What is up everybody is your boy Jay is Friday, September 21st
2018 I didn't film anything today. I
Don't know why I ain't film anything. I didn't feel anything today and now it's the end of vlog talk
So I actually ended up going to three innings today
Today just wasn't
Today was just not a good day. Today was one of my bad days. So that's why I went to three meetings. So
Let's go in order and we'll talk about
My day and let's see if it makes sense note to self I just remember how you felt this day Jay and
Try not to feel this way again, because you know, this is today. It was not a good day
So I started my meeting today
My home base
Fellowship at nine o'clock this morning. And today we talked we had a speaker and we talked about
step one
Which is very important like I've said before
some things that I got from the meeting was
An alcoholic is someone who has lost control of drinking which should be common sense, right?
Something that someone said that
Really caught me was that Alcoholics? Anonymous is the most
fundamental thing and
Not the most important thing in life
life is the most important thing and
AAA gives us the fundamentals to learn how to live life in sobriety and
Without alcohol and without your ego taking over
Another thing that someone else said was that prayer takes practice as alcoholics
we hear you love shame, and it took this person a lot of
times to
Come to meetings and to admit that
They are alcoholic and as long as this person prayed
That was kind of their way of
Really seeing and becoming free and I thought that was kind of cool
that's something I'm still working on which is my higher power and trying to
Trust in the plan and
Try not to sweat the small things, I think that's one of the name of my vlogs in my first chapter
okay, so that was
How I started my day, and I thought I ended my day
Well, all right thigh and did them session well, and then I was on my way to work
I
Don't want to go into detail about what happened at work
but
Let's just say there were a bunch of things that happened and they just got me pissed off to the point where I just left
And luckily in my position I'm able to do that. I can leave whatever I want and I
Had a moment of character defect which
Put me in predicament and I knew I had to get out of the situation and I couldn't I
Couldn't just breathe or meditate or say the serenity prayer I had to go I had to
Just be out of the environment and just leave
Because it's happening to me a lot lately and
It's a character defect I really need to work on but
You know China briegel habits is a tough thing and I
Can't say that, I'm the only one that has to deal with multiple problems, but
This is this is all new to me and although I've been sober for 52 days now
Mrs. Double-check in 52 days, I
would have to say that being sober is easiest part of this this being sober and not having to drink is the easiest part of
Going through my sobriety and my alcoholism
So luckily for me. There was a church down the street from my office and I
was able to make it to a meeting and
some things I highlighted in the meeting which was a reading from the big book for
alcoholics
Which is kind of weird because the first paragraph that was read today said
Nothing is right
Finances are in bad shape. I
Must find a way to make some money the family seems to think of nothing, but spending people annoy me
What has God left me? I cannot understand I will not be that way and
It talks about how someone
this is this is a story from the book and it talks about how someone relapsed and decided to take a drink and
Go to the liquor store and
Go back to their old ways. And that was it
That wasn't what I wanted to do I wanted to go to this meeting
to try to have some
spiritual awakening or some
some notes to
feel better and
Noticing that that was the first passage to be read that was kind of like
Yeah, I agree. Nothing is right
people annoy me and I felt like today God has left me but
By the end of the meeting after hearing everyone talk
Someone said that
The first time if it went to an Amy, they felt like the statue atlas
If you're not familiar with that was I'll probably put a picture
atlas is this
I believe Greek or
some type of
Statue that was holding the world
On his shoulders and
Once this person came to a and said my name is so-and-so and I'm an alcoholic
he may be immediately felt like release and felt like
all of a sudden the weight of the world was
Off his shoulders
And I can say that that that is how I felt in the beginning to when I first went to my a a meeting
sober
and this is after my relapse and
It felt good for a long time and I have a sponsor that I talked to daily I meet up with him weekly
We see each other at least three or four times a week
Either at a meeting or one-on-one
But it
Being sober doesn't get rid of your character defects
so my quick wit to react to something got the best of me today and
I
Wasn't able to pause
Think meditate pray before I reacted I just reacted and that's why I went to my second meeting and I
Went home and I took a nap and
I called one of my
one of my good friends and I spoke with him and
You know
Trying to
evaluate what happened today and things like that and you know, I
Decided that I needed to go to another meeting
Just because I was going insane in my brain
and
Not thinking the best thoughts I wasn't gonna have a drink or anything like that I just was a
being
of sound mind or being
happy or
Thankful. I was holding a lot of resentment inside. So I
went to a third meeting in a different location still in still in my neighborhood and
what was cool is that my
Sponsor was there
So there was a familiar face as long as well as a bunch of familiar faces there and it was a step meeting
so we talked about step four and
What's cool about this meeting is that
We read the whole chapter and then one by one we go through our experience
with the reading and
how we felt about it and
some passage that really
caught my eye today was
but in alcoholics Anonymous we slowly learned that something had to be done with our vengeful resentment self-pity and
Unwarranted pride. We had to see that every time we played the big shot
We turned people against us we had to see that when we harbored grudges and planned revenge
for such defeats
We were really beating ourselves with a club of anger that we and we intended to use on others
We learned that if we were seriously to start our first need
Was to quiet the disturbance regardless of who or what we thought caused it. Oh
So
That's what I wanted to share
during the discussion of
this lost me that I went to today and
it
Just goes back to there a lot of things. I need to change in my life
Not only with my sobriety
But in the way that I act the way that I react my character defects and I'm it's a learning process
And something that I cannot I
Cannot rush
and I
Feel that at this point of time. I need I need to take a break
Not from vlogging. I'm still gonna vlog this because I want to remember this feeling I want to remember this day
but
Again, luckily. I have the capability of deciding when to work
so I'm taking off for the weekend, and I'm just going to have some me time and
hopefully that will make me feel better and I can meditate and pray a little bit more about what
Trajectory I need to take in life and
Again, I am trusting in the higher powers plan, and maybe this is part of the plan
this is something that I have to go through and I have to think through and
sometimes
Parts of the plan are not gonna be easy and sometimes you're gonna be rough. It's gonna be tough and you have to
Figure it out. I'm not a kid anymore. I'm not
a helpless
Person or a baby and I have to man up and I have to realize that
Even though I'm sober I still have character nice. Uh-huh
Even though I am sober I still have character defects. I still am flawed and I still need to work on it
so with that said
Let me just say it's okay to be flood and it's okay to have character defects but
until
You are able to realize that and try to change it
you're always gonna be the same person and you're gonna be more likely to hold resentments and to
Want to revert back to having a drink and I know that is not in my plan
I am NOT gonna have a drink because of this this worked too hard to be 52 days sober and
I need to learn how to deal with stress so
With that said
Let's end the vlog the way we usually do
Remember to be confident
Be honest be humble and more than anything does
Be well
My head is heavy, let me lay it down to y'all love
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