- [Host] Today, alumna Ruth Gotian presents Networking
for Introverts.
Ruth is the Assistant Director for Mentoring,
Executive Director of Mentoring Academy,
the Chief Learning Officer in Anesthesiology,
and Assistant Professor of Education and Anesthesiology
at Weill Cornell Medicine.
She previously ran the Weill, Cornell, Rockefeller,
Sloane-Kettering, Tri-Institutional MD-PhD program
for over two decades.
Her research and work is focused
on what makes people successful,
specifically physician scientists.
If you have any issues with the audio,
please chat me directly, in the chat box.
And, without further adieu, Ruth Gotian.
- [Ruth] Hi, everyone.
I am Ruth Gotian.
I am the, as just mentioned,
I'm the Assistant Dean for Mentoring
at Weill Cornell Medicine, and a very proud TC alumna.
For other TC students and alumni
who might be joining us,
I think you will all agree with me
that something about walking
in those halls always feels like home.
So when I was asked to do this,
I didn't hesitate for a second,
because of my love for TC.
So I am a card-carrying extrovert
living in a world which, to me,
seems that I am working with many, many, many introverts.
I worked on the student side of things,
and now on the faculty side of things,
and I realized that they know how
to do their job extremely well,
but there were certain necessary parts
of their jobs, specifically networking,
which was painful for them.
So I decided to actually do a little bit
of research about this, and look into this,
take a deeper dive into this.
So that, one of my jobs is the Assistant Dean
for Mentoring at Weill Cornell Medicine,
and I deal with physician scientists
and educators all day long.
I oversee the success of 1800 faculty members.
Networking is something they have to do.
And I needed to find a way to make it less painful,
so that people weren't scared of it.
So I am sharing with you some tips
and tricks that have worked for others
when I tried to share it with them,
some from my research of when I looked into this issue.
And I'm going to offer you a buffet
of different things that you can try,
because not everything works for every person.
I do also wanna share that,
I started off by saying that I am an extrovert,
which I am, but nobody's clearly one or the other.
There are times that I show very introverted tendencies.
And I am also the wife and mother, and daughter,
of introverts.
So, I get it.
So, I really wanted to share with you some
of the things that I'm hoping will help you,
and see where this goes.
Okay, so I'm hoping that you have something
with an internet connection,
so that I can just get sort of a baseline
as to where everyone stands.
So we're going to take two polls.
This is the easiest way, 'cause I have people, actually,
throughout the world that are participating.
So you can go either online,
if you can just log in,
and we'll wait a minute or two for that,
so you can log in, and then we can take a poll.
So if you can, anything with an internet connection,
log onto Pollev.com/ruth, and log in.
And I'll wait a moment for that.
Okay.
So, what word do you think people use to describe you?
And here are some of the things that people have shared.
And for those of you have used Poll Everywhere
in the past, you'll know that the words
that come up larger are the ones
that are the most popular within the people
who are joining us on this webinar, and the poll.
So you will see things like hardworking, responsible,
smart, kind, passionate,
ambitious, nice, funny.
But you'll also see things like introverted,
humble, under-spoken, polite, listener,
reserved, compassionate.
And then we have, I see, some extroverts in this group
that may also be, that are also labeled
as, well, they labeled themselves as extroverted,
opinionated, and there was something else, persistent.
So, you know, I think we have a whole gamut here,
but it's not surprising that people,
when they describe introverts, they're often refereed to
as quiet, or a listener, or humble,
or under-spoken.
This is very, very, very common.
One thing to know is, just because you're not speaking,
you're not the first one to speak,
and you're not the one who's interrupting,
that doesn't mean you're not paying attention.
So, you know that and I know that,
we just need to educate others on that, as well.
So, let's see,
okay, so you guys think your introverts,
that's why you're participating.
And you are in really great company,
because anywhere from 1/3 to 1/2
of the population are actually introverts.
So, even though you might think that you are an introvert
in a very noisy world, in a world full
of extroverts where everyone is speaking their mind,
and interrupting, and sharing,
and you just want to listen,
and you don't wanna be in a room full of people,
just know you are not alone.
Because at least half the people
in that room are likely introverts, as well.
And these are some very famous introverts
that you might have heard of.
So, just because you're an introvert,
does not mean that you will not succeed.
You wrote that you're hardworking,
and that you're passionate, and things like that.
And introverts and extroverts alike are like that,
it's just the way
that they process information is different.
It doesn't mean one is more intelligent than the other,
or it also does not mean
that one can move up ranks faster than the other.
So, the previous Google CEO was an extrovert,
the current one is an introvert.
And other famous ones who you know,
everyone from Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg,
scientists like Einstein, political leaders,
actors, actresses, authors, political activists,
they are everywhere,
and if you start looking at these more and more,
you'll see that you recognize many of them,
and maybe even identify with some of them.
So we're gonna try another poll.
What is your biggest networking challenge?
And then we'll see if we can find ways
to overcome some of those obstacles.
So, ready?
Go!
So as the ideas start coming in,
you'll see a lot has to do with actually talking,
talking to people, figuring out what to say.
Introverts always say that they need time
to formulate their ideas,
which is why at the end of talks
when they say, "Does anyone have any questions?",
it's always the extroverts that jump out,
'cause we need to get it out of our mouth
before we forget it,
while introverts need time to formulate their questions.
They also don't like chitchat, as you know,
and smalltalk is just the worst for them.
So, how to connect with people in an authentic way,
what to say to people, how to do it
without losing sight of who you are,
branding yourself, chatting with people you don't know
about conversations you may not feel comfortable with,
how to start that conversation,
especially how to do it without looking creepy.
Um, and some people are just not comfortable doing it.
So we're gonna talk about, really,
how to communicate, how to approach people,
how to start that conversation,
and how to really launch into that networking space
in a way that will not make you feel super uncomfortable.
Now one thing that's very important
that I think the extroverts need to learn,
is just because you like being alone,
does not mean that you are lonely.
And let me say that again.
Being alone does not mean being lonely.
Which means, the way you network has to be different.
It doesn't always need to be around a room full of people.
We just got through the holiday season,
so you probably, many of you have had office holiday party,
and that might have been just cringe-worthy for many of you.
So let's figure out if we can find a way to do it
without making you feel, like someone wrote,
socially exhausted.
So let's see if we can find a way of doing that.
And I see the topics are,
the challenges are still coming in,
so let's keep reading them.
People want to know what to discuss,
they need to know their pitch,
so we'll talk about that.
Um, staying interested in small talk, yes.
Too self conscious, social anxiety walking into a room,
that's a big deal.
Asking someone, there's been a few comments
about asking for help.
Figuring out the right words to say is critical,
and we're actually going to talk about that, as well,
and what to discuss.
Alright, I'll give some tips for that, as well.
Approaching someone, acting natural, okay.
Ask what I want, and make meaningful connections.
So there's quite a bit of talk here
about authenticity, as well, and feeling nervous, okay,
and maintaining those relationships.
So we are going to come up with tips
on how you can do that.
Okay, I see there's a little lull
in the responses coming in,
so we will move on so that we can start talking
about some of these tips and tricks.
So first let's start with,
why do you even need to bother going
to networking events?
Especially if you're not comfortable,
you find them socially exhausting,
you might feel socially anxious,
you may not drink, and there's alcohol there,
and there're people there you don't know,
and people might be higher rank than you,
or it's too much noise, or too much visual
or sound stimulation, and you don't feel comfortable.
Why do you even need to go?
Well, you really need to go.
And networking definitely needs
to be part of the activities that you do
if you wish to get promoted, and wish to get out there.
You are going to find when you go to networking events,
that there are people that have different experiences
from you.
Those people may not be senior to you,
it could be someone who's your peer,
it could be somebody who's junior to you.
But they will have experiences
that can help you, just like you will have experiences
that can help them.
And that's where being an individual is so important.
But people are not going to know
about your experiences, and what you can bring
to the table, if you don't have a way to share it with them.
You also provide a different perspective.
So people who are going through a challenge,
or they want to build something,
you might have a perspective because it's part
of your experience, you've done it before.
It could be part of your upbringing,
it could be part of your education.
You always bring in a different perspective.
And every time I go to networking events
and we discuss whatever it is,
a hiring strategy, a mentoring strategy,
a workshop strategy, whatever it is,
and I could just mention one thing,
and people will say, oh, I hadn't thought of that.
And the same thing is when I bring up the challenge,
or an opportunity, and they talk about something
that they have tried, and I would say,
oh I had never thought of that.
So getting these different perspectives is key.
You also get people with different skill sets
that can help you.
So if you want to start creating an activity and,
let's say you wanna create a blended learning curriculum.
You know you wanna do it,
you know it's a hot topic right now,
you know the broad strokes,
but you don't really have that IT experience.
You don't really know
what's the best learning management system out there,
what's the best platform to use,
how do I even start this?
There are people with the skills and the know-how
that you really wish to connect with.
You can go to a networking event
and find out somebody's on the editorial team
of a journal that you would really like
to publish with.
I have a colleague who I publish with,
she is a master networker,
and she has found the editors at major, major journals
at these networking events,
and since then she has been publishing
in that journal regularly.
So if that's one of the things
that you're interested in doing,
I highly recommend it.
So as you know, many jobs are not even posted,
and it's a lot of from within.
So you need to let people know what you do,
what you're interested in.
And even if you're not looking for a job,
if they know who you are
because they're going to have a job,
if they post it later, or an opening later,
you want them to think about you.
So getting out there
and getting your name out there is critical.
So that's yet another reason to network.
Also, it's all about referrals, who you know
and who they know.
So we all have the social media referrals,
such as LinkedIn.
But we also have these in-person referrals
that occur all the time at these networking events.
So that's something that you really should consider.
Finally, you don't know what you don't know.
And you don't know what career options,
you know, we all know
that things that we were trained for are not even going
to exist in a few years.
So we need to know where people are headed,
and thinking, and considering.
And that's what these options are for.
I have worked in higher ed
for the last 27 out of 29 years,
and that has been my world.
And as I said, the last 22
of those years have been medical education.
But there's a whole other world outside of that,
and if all I ever do is hang out with higher ed
and medical ed people,
I wouldn't know what else is out there.
So that is critical.
And, of course, political capital.
It's not who you know, it's who the people
in your network know.
So here's an example.
I'm trying to get a government grant
for qualitative research.
And for those of you who do qualitative research,
you will know that the government is not very big
on funding qualitative research.
But I found somebody who got a grant for it.
And I sent that person, just yesterday,
a cold email saying, I'd really love to chat
to figure out how you got this government grant.
And I told the chair of my department
that I tried to do this.
And his response was, great,
if you don't hear back, let me know,
and I will contact my friend there,
and that's a political capital.
It's the people who they know,
and with one email,
they can get a lot further than I can get,
because they're higher ranked,
and they have a bigger network of people
who are not even in my network.
So I need all of these things
from all of these people,
so to know them is helpful.
You should also realize that you will need
to give back, and do that as well,
to other people.
You will need to help them because you have the network
that can help a lot of other people.
I wanna talk a little bit about teams,
and why you need a mentoring team
and a network of mentors.
They do provide multiple perspectives, as I mentioned.
They have varied experiences,
and they can expand your network.
It's everyone who you know,
and that they know.
So you shouldn't, when you network,
only network with one type of people,
but really try to share that with as many people
as you can, from as many diverse fields
that you can, because you never know where things can lead.
So when you go to these dreaded networking events of yours,
you cannot leave until three things happen.
People need to know who you are, right?
They need to know what industry you're in.
And they need to know how to get a hold of you.
So, what's your name?
What do you do?
Are you in healthcare?
Are you in education?
Are you in politics?
Are you in the legal profession?
And how would they contact you?
We'll talk about this a little bit more.
I am still a fan of the old fashioned business cards.
And we're gonna talk about them in a minute.
So you hate these networking events,
but you know you need to do them.
As an introvert, how can you network?
And these are some of the topics that we're going
to talk about, to help you get
through those dreaded networking events.
Everything from small groups, how you approach events,
something called starter sentences,
the use of social media, connecting with the right people,
and there were a lot of challenges people talked
about being authentic.
And I definitely wanna drive the point home,
don't try and be something you are not.
It won't work, people will see right through it.
Okay, here are some of the tips.
So if you are an introvert,
and you're really not comfortable,
and you just wanna hide inside a big sweater
or under a blanket, or at home,
here are some things that you can try.
Not all of them will work for you.
But you can pick the ones,
you can try a few.
And it may not work in one situation,
it may work in another.
So, joining a committee.
Now I know that the idea of smalltalk is not something
that you love, but joining a committee allows you
to be part of a smaller group.
And if you're more interested
in doing some of the behind the scenes work,
so you don't have to do the social chitchat,
this might be great.
The one thing you need to know is,
when you're joining a committee,
you need to, before you join a committee,
figure out your strength.
Are you great at big picture?
Are you better at logistics?
Are you better at generating ideas?
Are you better at finding the right people?
Know what that is,
so know what value you bring to a committee.
And make sure you do that.
Don't try, if you don't know how to do logistics,
don't volunteer to do that.
Only volunteer to do what is your strength.
But joining a committee allows you to be part
of a small group.
You should also volunteer to host an event
to show your skills.
So, if you have an interest in photography,
you can say, who wants to go with me
to a museum?
Or who wants to go hiking with me?
Or who would like to go out to dinner,
we're going to have Tex Mex?
And you can do it with three or four people,
it doesn't have to be a big group.
But then you actually get to talk about topics
that are of interest to you.
So giving a talk, why would an introvert ever want
to give a talk?
Well, the reason is actually quite simple.
You get to pick the topic,
you get to pick the topic and talk about something
that you are very comfortable with.
So I deal a lot with, as I said,
physicians and scientists,
and actually my doctorate
at TC was about optimizing success of physician scientists.
I looked at the people who are physicians
and also do biomedical research,
and I looked at the most successful ones
of our generation, including Nobel laureates,
and some, former Surgeon General of the United States,
and Howard Hughes investigators,
and people of that level.
And some of them were definitely introverts.
But when you get them talking about their science,
it's as if the rest of the world shuts off,
and they were just in their zone, in their moment.
So if you're able to give a talk
about a topic that's of interest to you,
this might be where you actually shine.
You can give that talk and all the questions will be
about this topic that you are so passionate about.
So find your passion, and see if you can find a platform
for giving that talk.
So I said I'm a big fan
of using old-fashioned business cards.
So when you do meet someone,
and it doesn't have to be that you talk to them
for a long time.
We'll talk about that.
It will have those three things
we talked about before,
who you are, what industry you're in,
and how to reach you.
When you give a business card,
you're actually likely to get one, as well.
As soon as you get it,
on the back of the business card,
you write where you met the person,
the date, and one thing that you talked
to that person about, that will resonate with them.
So you can meet with someone,
and just talk to them for three, four, five minutes,
get their business card, and walk away.
You are done with that networking point.
The rest of the networking you will do
behind a screen, in the comfort of your own house,
in your pajamas and fuzzy slippers.
You don't have to worry about being
in that social situation.
But you wanna be very thoughtful
as to how you write that email,
and you want to also write down something
that was discussed so that they can remember you.
So the one thing I always recommend to people is that,
you don't always have your wallet with you,
which is where most people put their business cards,
but you always have your phone with you.
And I even say this to physicians,
and I say it to surgeons.
In the OR, they don't have their wallets with them,
but they always have their phone.
I gave them all pockets to put on their back
of the phone, and they stick their business cards in there.
And this way they can exchange it
with even the other doctors, the nurses,
the people in the next OR,
the people in the elevator, whoever it is.
And I teach them that same skill.
I know some people are against the paper,
and they like to use the electronic business cards.
I think that's great, and it definitely reduces paper.
The reason I don't like it for this initial contact,
is because they give it to you,
but then you forget to follow up,
because it's in your contact list,
and you don't have something to remind you to follow up.
So you can try both ways, see what works for you.
I am still a very big fan of the business cards.
When I get a business card,
I put it on my desk and I know I give myself 48 hours
to respond.
And I have something written on the back.
Oh, you know, Joanne, it was so nice
to meet you on Tuesday, I loved our discussion
about blah, blah, blah.
I was thinking about this since we met,
and I was wondering what your thoughts were on X?
And now we have a whole conversation going.
Okay?
You all know about the elevator pitch,
we tell it to all of our students,
but everyone needs to have one.
So you never know who you're going to meet.
You never know if you're going to be
in the elevator with the president of your institution,
or the CEO, and you need to, again,
it's that same thing, who you are,
what division you're in, and how they can reach you.
So I would say, "I'm Ruth Gotian,
"I'm the Assistant Dean for Mentoring.
"I'm in charge of the success of our 1800 faculty.
"Very nice to meet you."
and I exchange business cards sometimes.
If not, if I know if it's the CEO,
I know how to reach that person.
But you need to have your elevator pitch
that has those three things,
who you are, what field you're working in,
and how they can reach you, okay?
There are people who have gotten,
and I share this story, this was at Sloan Kettering,
where a colleague of mine was in the elevator
with a post-doctoral fellow.
And in walked in the Chief Medical Officer
of the hospital, and she said oh,
so and so, this is, and she introduced the post-doc fellow,
who's working on, whatever she was working on.
And that was the introduction,
they chatted for 30 seconds, and that was it.
A month later,
the Chief Medical Officer contacts my colleague,
and he said, I got a call for nominations for an award
in this field.
Who was that person you introduced
to me in the elevator that happens
to be working in that field?
And don't you know, the Chief Medical Officer
who met this person for 30 seconds,
nominated her for a big award,
because that person was in his mind.
So you need to always have that pitch ready.
We're gonna talk, and I'll give you some examples
of some starter conversation sentences.
A lot of the things that you guys wrote had to do
with communication.
How do you start that conversation?
How do you have an icebreaker?
What do you talk about?
How do you approach somebody?
So we're going, I'll give you some examples
of some starter conversation sentences
which will be key, and it will really reduce
that anxiety level.
Now this last point, I don't know if it's the last point,
but for introverts especially, social media,
email, list serves, working behind the screen is going
to be your saving grace.
Because you can take the time to formulate your ideas.
You don't need to respond in real time.
And some of the most successful introverts
I work with are actually very, very,
they work quite a bit with the social media
and on different list serves.
So I want you to consider using that to elevate your brand,
and to be able to network.
Because that counts, that's considered networking,
when you're communicating, and contacting other people,
that is networking.
No one says it always has to be face-to-face.
Twitter, especially, has taken on a whole new world,
and is actually used quite a bit
in the professional platforms.
You know, obviously we talked about email a little bit,
and list serves.
I also recommend when you have guest speakers,
you can either organize that person,
or coming in and listening.
And here's the thing, the first time I gave this talk,
it was actually to students, and I was at some conference,
and I don't know how I mentioned it as an off-hand of,
oh I've got some tips if, you know,
'cause the introverts there were saying
that they had some challenge with this, I said oh,
I have some tips, I'd be happy to share them.
Before I know, I was giving this talk.
And I was working with a student
who I had known for two years.
I communicated more with that student
in the organization of that workshop than I did
in all the two years combined.
And it was 99% done via email.
And so, you know, this gave him a way
to communicate and network,
and it really worked out beautifully for him.
So now when it comes to doing things like that,
I try to, any introvert who's interested,
I try to give them those opportunities to organize,
if they have an idea, to come up with a speaker,
or contact the speaker, et cetera.
Also, listen to what they're saying.
And you can always, again, follow up with an email,
most speakers put their emails at the end,
when you're ready and you have your question formulated.
Same things with meetings and conferences.
You can, it's the same idea,
just on a bigger scale, you can organize, et cetera.
I also recommend arriving early.
And the reason I do that is,
the speaker is always there early to set up,
and to check the IT, and all of this.
And then they're just sort of standing around
for 15 minutes.
And, you know, I tell people, whenever I give a talk,
I'm like Michael Phelps.
I have my blinders on, and I am just super focused, right?
Until I can,
I'm super focused, I've done everything I can do,
and then I'm just sort of standing there.
Awkwardly standing there.
And when somebody arrives early,
it at least gives me someone to talk to.
And if there's a speaker that you're interested in,
if you arrive 15 minutes early,
they're very often just standing there,
trying not to look awkward.
You're putting them out of an agonizing situation,
and you could say, hi Dr. so and so,
very nice to meet you,
and then again, you're going with those three things,
who you are, what department you're in,
and how they can contact you.
And you might want to ask them a question
that you had already thought of in advance,
especially if you're not comfortable asking that question
in a big group.
But now you're there early, and it might be just one on one.
So you might wanna think about arriving early.
I would recommend going to those things
that are smaller, lectures, demos.
They're smaller groups, and it might be easier,
and they're people with the same interests as you.
I don't know if you know, but there are also groups
that, for that time when you do wanna go out,
that are built around things that you are passionate about.
So there's actually Meetups
for people by Myers Briggs groupings.
I found this out, and I thought it was fascinating.
So if you're an INTJ, for example,
there's actually a Meetup for groups like that.
There's also a group for yogis,
Meetups for people who like orchids, whatever it is,
you can find that.
When you're ready to expand your wings
and try other things, you might want to attach yourself
to the groups that your friends are involved with.
'Cause remember,
your friends have different backgrounds than you,
different perspectives than you,
different experiences than you.
When you're ready to join a different group,
with people who are not exactly like you,
start with your friends first,
because they're your safety group.
And you know that you'll always have a friend there,
somebody that you're comfortable with.
And then you can learn other things as well,
while you're in that group.
When you go to groups that meet
on a regular basis, like for example yoga,
or a book club, or something like that,
you're more likely to see the same people every single time,
and that reduces the stress level
and the anxiety level.
And, especially those who go to TC,
or went to TC, you know about community of practice,
because we talk about these things all the time.
For those who don't know, community of practice is a group
of people who, it's usually professional,
who are like you.
So for example, I ran the MD-PhD program here
for 22 years.
I was in a community of practice with other people
who did that.
I was in a few, I was in a regional one,
so that would be people who ran those kind
of programs at other New York based medical schools.
And I was also in a national one,
which was people from, you know,
it's 200 people from the entire country.
And then I was in a third one,
this is all related to MD-PhD,
of very seasoned people who did this work,
people who have done this for 15, 20 years,
25, 30, even one was 40 years.
Because our needs were very different than someone
who has been doing this for five years.
So, all part of MD-PhD, but I was part of different groups.
Yes we had conferences, yes we had meetings,
but we communicated by email more than anything else.
So I encourage you, within your own professional sphere,
to join a community of practice.
If they don't have one, you can start one.
It starts with as easy as an email,
an email list serve, that's what it starts with.
There's actually one woman in the Midwest who,
she's a female physician, I think she's a surgeon
and it was coming to a time
where she just couldn't find a lot
of people like her, she actually created her own community
of practice.
They now have a conference every year,
over 300 people come.
So, but again, it starts small,
it starts with an email list serve.
And I highly, highly, highly recommend
that you do that.
It also means when you meet the person in person,
it'll be a little bit easier for you,
because you've already been communicating with them.
Okay, so now you have to go
to this dreaded networking event.
How are you going to survive?
The first thing is, and this was some
of the challenges that some of you listed,
do not try to be something you are not.
If you're an introvert, don't pretend
to be an extrovert.
It doesn't work for you, it doesn't work for other people.
You are who you are.
You have certain things that make you unique,
and that's what you need to be proud of.
You're great at thinking big picture,
or you have excellent observation skills,
or listening skills, or thought process,
or planning, or whatever it is.
That's who you are, that's who you should be.
We're all grownups, don't try to be something you're not.
Right, we have enough with kids trying to do that.
You be your own person.
It's the most authentic.
That's why people hired you.
That's why people wanna be around you.
Just be that.
No one says that you have to network in large groups.
You can network in very small groups.
So try that as a different approach.
You don't have to go to the CEO's holiday party
with 500 people.
You can go to something within your department
that might be 20 people.
That's okay.
You should practice active
and appreciative listening when you are there.
So, if you decide that you're gonna go
to a networking event, and we'll talk about time limits
in a moment, when you are there, you are all in.
You are actually really listening.
You see it, people see it in your body language,
they see it when you're nodding your head,
they see it with your eyes,
they see it when you say uh huh,
that's right, oh, thank you.
Right, so you're going to practice
that active listening, and appreciative listening.
It's always easier when you can enter an event
with someone you know.
Even as an extrovert, I don't like walking
into a crowded room by myself.
I always seek out another person who will come with me.
Most people do not like to enter by themselves.
And I have asked everyone from the chair of the department,
to a student, a secretary, an administrator,
I don't care who I walk in with,
as long as I don't have to walk by myself,
and walk in by myself.
And if you want, you can always,
if you don't wanna say, I'm not comfortable walking
into large rooms by myself, I always say,
do you wanna share an Uber?
And most people do.
So you might want to consider that.
So this is a tip,
so I actually asked a lot of people who I know,
and these are some of the tips
that they gave me, as well.
And they said, find someone who's younger than you,
and approach them.
Because if you think you're uncomfortable,
even if they're really extroverts,
if they're very young in a room full
of people who are older than them,
they are very uncomfortable.
And now if you're going in,
if you have even six months more experience than they do,
you are now the mentor, because you've been through,
you have those perspective and experiences they don't have.
So go up to somebody who's younger,
introduce yourself, and now you have somebody
that you can go talk to.
You're going to feel better, and they are definitely going
to feel much better.
And you'll know that when you make someone else feel better,
you automatically will feel better yourself.
Okay, there is nothing wrong
with saying, I am going to be at this networking event
for 55 minutes.
It doesn't even have to be a whole hour.
55 minutes.
And when you approach one particular person,
and you might say, I need to make contact
with these five people, give yourself a time limit
of how long you are willing to talk to them.
Five minutes, 10 minutes,
whatever you think you're comfortable with.
And when those 10 minutes are up,
you just go to the restroom and regroup.
And that's fine.
It is absolutely fine to go to the restroom and regroup.
Or, you have to check something on your phone,
or you just got a text from home,
whatever it is.
But give yourself a time limit
to talk to someone, and then go find your quiet space,
so that you can just get that equilibrium again.
And as I said, give yourself a time limit
for the networking event.
And if you don't make it a round hour,
it'll seem much shorter.
So instead of 60 minutes,
say I'm gonna be there for 45 minutes.
Nobody's gonna know the difference.
Nobody is going to know.
I was at a holiday event for a very senior dean
at the Institution.
The dean was there for half the event
for his own party, and I didn't see him
for the other half.
And the people who came in later,
and they said, where is this senior dean?
And I said, I dunno, he must've left.
So they left, too.
They just wanted to be seen by that person.
So figure out who those people are
that you wanna talk to,
who needs to see that you were there.
Give yourself that time limit, and then go leave.
That's it, that's fine, alright?
In between, when you don't find somebody
you wanna talk to, or you need to wrap your mind
about what you're going to talk about,
and there's not always a quiet corner,
I always recommend, especially if it's in somebody's house,
this is always helpful, either look at the art
on the walls, and do a whole, walk around the room looking
at the art as if you're at the Met,
it's the most exciting piece of artwork
you've ever seen, or look at the books on the shelves.
And then someone else will usually join you,
if they see you looking at the books on the shelves.
So people mentioned that one of their challenges is
they didn't know how to start the conversation.
So I wanna talk a little bit about your intro.
You should have a 10 to 30 second introduction
of yourself.
Hi, I'm Dr. Ruth Gotian, I am the Assistant Dean
for Mentoring at Weill Cornell Medicine.
I oversee the success of 1800 faculty members.
Period.
That's my intro.
I then pivot to ask about them,
ask them a question.
Oh I'm sorry, I didn't get your name,
what department are you in?
Talk another 30 seconds about yourself.
Then you ask a question of the other person.
See, you're trying to deflect off of yourself
if you're not comfortable talking about yourself.
And then you do that active and appreciative listening.
And then you repeat the whole process.
So if you see, you're really only talking about yourself
for 60 seconds.
But you're getting the other person to do the talking.
And you're doing what you do best, you're listening.
That's it.
And if you can do that three to five times
throughout the event, you can be outta there
in 45 minutes or less.
Now people were talking about
they don't quite know how to start the conversation.
And they want to, they want to find a way
to start the conversation without actually feeling creepy
when they're asking people about themselves.
So we have these friends that we have dinner
with about once a month, and he is definitely an introvert.
Both the husband and wives are introverts.
The husband hides it better,
he knows how to work better as an extrovert,
because those are the people he has to work with,
so he knows how to pivot as needed.
But I already know the signs.
So every time we see him,
which is about once a month,
he says to me, so what's new and exciting
in the medical education field?
And right away he got me talking.
And this is a pattern that happens every single month.
So you might wanna start, when you see someone,
even if you know, and even if you know
they're working in another department,
so what's new and exciting in the legal profession?
Right?
Rarely are they gonna say nothing.
They're gonna start talking about some big project
they're working on.
So here are some starter sentences
you may wish to consider when you approach someone.
So, something like, what brought you here?
Or, how'd you hear about this event?
Were you stuck in traffic?
What a gorgeous venue.
I had this once, we were at some event,
it was one of the most beautiful things,
and I kept looking at the view.
And then I would talk to someone,
have you ever been here before?
And they'd say yes, I had such and such an event.
And then we started talking about that event.
So for those of you who are in New York City,
it's very easy to ask, so,
was it a pain for you to get here today?
I work, as I mentioned, with a lot of physicians
who are in the OR.
Everyone wears the same color scrubs everyday,
and they try to differentiate themselves
by their socks.
So I often talk about socks.
And at events, I like to talk about shoes.
'Cause I also like shoes.
If it's at a conference,
I ask questions about the conference.
Which speaker did you really like?
And, you know, if you are a fan
of the Stephen Brookfield work, you can say,
what surprised you about the conference?
Just look at his critical incident questionnaire.
What surprised you about the conference?
What speaker really got you engaged?
So you may wanna think about those kind of questions.
Are you giving a talk or a poster?
Oh, now you're probably getting 'em talking
about their research,
this can go on for a very long time.
If it's an organization you have to be a member of,
how long have you been a member?
Or, how long have you worked here?
I'm very proud to say I worked at Weill Cornell Medicine
for 22 years.
And I can talk to you about the five different deans
that we've had, the different types of students,
how admissions has changed,
and we can go on for a very long time.
So these are some starter sentences
that can really get you out of that stumbling block.
And again,
most of the time you're getting the other person to talk.
I wanna close it up with a few book recommendations.
And these are some of my favorites.
So, you'll see in the middle The Discussion Book.
That's, I'm a big fan of Stephen Brookfield's work.
He's a TC faculty member.
He wrote The Discussion Book,
and then a couple years ago he wrote this,
The Discussion Book, 50 Great Ways to Get People Talking.
This is fabulous for those of you who are either teaching
or working in teams and need to find ways
to get everyone to share their ideas.
And there's 50 different ideas that he gives,
including starter questions.
So you might wanna try that.
The book Quiet by Susan Cain.
She's given TED talks, she is an introvert,
and she really gives a look behind the curtain
as to what are some of the things
that introverts go through every day.
The Introvert's Way,
Living a Quiet Life in a Noisy World is one
that I more recently read, and really enjoyed.
It's written in a very lighthearted, funny way.
And I think you would, I definitely enjoyed it.
And then there's Improve Your Social Skills.
The Quiet, Introvert's Way,
and Improve Your Social Skills are probably
the three biggest books on the market right now.
And I know they're also available on Audible
for those who like that, as well.
So, finally, I offer questions.
Now the reason I have Lynda Carter there
as Wonder Woman is because I mentioned I talk
to physicians and scientists a lot,
and when they ask questions, when they learn,
they actually, they learn by poking holes.
So it's like having daggers being thrown at you.
And I always feel I need to have my deflectors on.
But when you work with educators,
and this is what TC enlightened me to,
the questions are really to enhance the knowledge,
and you don't really feel like you're being attacked,
which was a whole different world for me,
and a very nice one.
So I am really excited to answer any questions
or comments you had.
I had a few started phrases there for you,
if that would help you get started.
If you want to network later,
or you want to ask your question a little bit later
because you need a little bit more time to formulate it,
or you need to run, there is my email.
And I'm also quite active on Twitter and Linkedin,
so feel free to join.
So, thank you.
- [Host] Thank you so much, Ruth.
- Absolutely - If you have questions,
please feel free to insert them into the questions pane,
and I'll start reading through them.
I love that you have these started phrases,
this is perfect.
So, I have one question, and it is,
what is a good starter question
when you've met someone before
and it's inappropriate to ask the basics of who they are?
- [Ruth] Ah, so I would go back to,
what's new and exciting in the field of,
whatever their field is?
And I can now ask that to, when I heard that,
I thought that was the best starter phrase ever.
And, you know, as I said,
my friend who sees me every month asks that,
and now I ask that to people
in every single field.
It also gives me an insight into their field.
Alright, I asked that to our lawyer,
who's here all the time,
and I get to hear some of the big challenges
that they're working on.
Everything from Title IX, to privacy issues,
to research confidentiality issues,
to intellectual property issues.
I mean, if I didn't ask that question,
I never would get the insight.
I hope
that answers your question. - Great, so,
the next question is,
what is the most graceful way
to end a conversation without seeming rude
or too abrupt?
- [Ruth] Um, well, you can say,
would you like a refill on your drink?
Or, I see so and so, I just wanna go say hi.
Or, I just got a text,
I need to run out and see who that is,
I need to make sure there's not a problem with whatever.
Just say, I came here and I left a little crisis
at the office, I just wanna go check in
that everything's okay.
So, just the same way that you have these starter sentences,
and this gives me an idea, I should really add this
to the presentation, is closing sentences, as well.
So those are some things,
and, you know, I blame a lot on my kids.
I always say I have to check in,
we're having a Civil War history crisis
that we need to solve.
I try to make it funny, so that they don't feel
I'm trying to ditch them.
- [Host] Great, so the next question is,
what do you mean by active and appreciative listening?
Does this involve body gestures, as well?
- [Ruth] Yes, so you don't wanna look
like a concrete wall.
You want to look like you're paying attention,
and those are the things like nodding,
leaning in a little bit closer,
saying uh huh, I agree, or asking questions throughout.
So, how did you handle such and such?
And again, you can do that by,
you have to be listening and truly listening
in order to be able to ask those questions.
So it is the body language, it is the nodding,
it is not looking at your phone
while they're talking, but actually looking at them
in their eyes.
Or, if you're not comfortable looking at people's eyes,
I recommend looking at their nose,
and then keep nodding and saying uh huh, and absolutely,
I agree.
Add those few phrases.
- [Host] Fantastic.
What about, how do you reintroduce yourself
to someone senior whom you've met before,
when you aren't sure they probably remember you?
- [Ruth] Oh, you could just say,
hi, I'm Ruth Gotian from the Mentoring Academy.
We actually met a while back, I dunno if you remember,
it was in this and this situation.
Anyway, I've really followed your work,
and I'm really excited about whatever.
But again, you're trying to deflect,
you just need to say who you are,
and what area you're from, right?
I'm Ruth Gotian, and we met at whatever conference,
and you can tell them.
And, if you can describe it in such a way
that it creates a picture,
we met at such and such a conference in Arizona in July,
it was 100 degrees at 7:00 a.m.,
we met on the Starbucks line.
Oh now I have an image of what that looks like,
and maybe that'll trigger something.
And if not, don't worry about it,
just give your name and where you're from,
and what you do, and continue the conversation.
- [Host] Fantastic.
The next question we have is,
how do you break into an existing group's conversation
at an event?
- [Ruth] (laughs) Oh, that is so hard.
Again, if you know one of the people who are there,
you just go up and say, you just stand there,
and most people are polite enough
that they will open up the circle.
And if you want to, you can come in and just say,
hi there, so good to see you guys.
And that's it.
I would just walk up.
And you know what I realized?
No one's gonna push you away.
It took me a long time to realize that,
and it took me a while to realize that once I rose
through the ranks, you can sit
at the most senior person's group, and join their group,
they will never turn you away.
Ever.
So just join them, just join them.
I went up to an event where there was the former CEO
of Xerox, and I must've been chatting with someone
or doing something, because I came in late.
And the only, it was a sit-down lunch,
and the only spot was in the table right
in front of the stage, that was the only spot.
So I just sat down.
And you know who happened to be there?
The Chief Operating Officer of the hospital,
the two organizers of the event,
and the former CEO of Xerox.
And you know what?
Nobody pushed me away, nobody told me
to get up and leave.
So I sat there, and I chatted as if I belonged.
And they thought I did.
So, try it.
- [Host] So we have one person who is,
she attends a lot of networking
and informational interviews,
even though she's an introvert.
But the struggle
that she's having is building a mentoring relationship.
She's heard people talk about asking someone
to be a mentor, but she doesn't know how
to broach the subject.
What would you recommend when you meet someone
who you think would be a good mentor?
- [Ruth] Ah, so that's a whole other presentation
that I give.
And finding a mentor is key.
But I also recommend finding a team of mentors.
I also strongly suggest that you don't say
to someone, will you be my mentor?
It's very confining.
And right away they're thinking,
what are the time commitments to all of this?
You don't ask someone to be your friend,
so why would you ask someone to be your mentor?
So you can actually get mentoring advice from people,
and not have that official label
of they are my mentor, I'm their mentee.
It's only after a while
that you have this relationship
where you can then send them an email
and say, thank you very much for all your mentorship
and guidance, it's greatly appreciated,
et cetera, et cetera.
I had a student who I have known him for seven years,
and just last week he mentioned to me
that he considers me one of his mentors.
I had no idea.
I had never even thought of it.
He said, "You have given me guidance
"for seven years, what'd you think it was?"
I said, "Oh, you know, you're right."
But I never gave myself that label,
he never asked to give me that label,
but it was after the fact.
So you can go up to people
who help you, or you want them to help you,
and if they give you guidance,
they're your mentors.
They don't need a placard that says that.
So you don't need to ask them,
because it's very, I said it's very confining
and stressful for them.
'Cause they're gonna think, I need to give you an hour
or two a week, we need to do this,
we need to do that.
You don't need to do that.
- [Host] Right.
So this is gonna be the last question
because I just wanna be mindful
of everyone's time.
I know there is a lot of other questions in the queue,
and I'm so sorry that we can't answer all of them.
But please, definitely reach out to Ruth
on her email or Twitter.
But the very last question I'm going to ask is,
so you go to a networking event,
you meet people, you exchange a couple of emails.
What's the next step to keep the conversation going,
and develop and maintain these connections
you've received?
- [Ruth] So you now are starting,
you have this communication.
You don't have to email them every week,
but I like to recommend that you communicate
with people either once a quarter,
or once every six months,
depending on who they are.
So you can reach out to them,
before I go to a conference, if it's someone I know
who's in that field, I will reach out to them,
probably three, four weeks in advance and say,
oh, I'm going to be at the whatever conference,
any chance you'll be there?
And then they'll say yes,
and I'll say oh, would you like to meet up for coffee?
Right?
Or, if you're writing a paper,
you'll say to someone,
I'm really writing, I'm writing a paper on this issue,
I really was hoping you,
either you might have some time,
or you might know of someone who could read it over
and give me some feedback before I submit it
for publication.
You wanna, you know, give an ask that's not an enormous ask.
And then every so often, what I do is,
if I have had some sort of achievement,
I actually share it with some people,
people who helped me get there.
So it's not just this bragging about yourself,
but it's just a nice little email about either,
here's an article I wrote,
or a presentation I gave,
thank you for all of your advice,
for helping me get to this point.
I especially, your guidance on such
and such was very helpful to reaching this point,
here's the article, here's a link to the presentation,
here's whatever it is.
So, or every so often you can say,
dear so and so, I was just thinking about you last week,
I had met someone and your name came up
in conversation because we were talking about whatever.
So, you might wanna think
about doing that every quarter or so.
- [Host] Great.
Thank you, everyone, for all your questions.
I'm so sorry we couldn't go through all of them.
Please feel free to reach out to Ruth
at her email or Twitter.
Ruth, thank you so much for taking the time
to share your expertise with the TC community.
A video of this presentation will be available
on our website.
And that website URL, again,
is www.tc.edu/alumni/careerwebinars.
And you will also receive an email in the next few days
with a link to the presentation, as well.
Please visit our website for more information
about our monthly webinars and upcoming events.
We hope you can join us for our next webinar,
Knockout Presentations: Be Clear, Concise, and Confident
on February 13 with alumna Diane DiResta.
Thank you again, all, for joining us.
And we hope you have a wonderful day.
- [Ruth] Thank you.
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