There's a lot of made-up words in psychology. We make up words it makes us
feel smart. Paradigm is one of those. What is a paradigm? I love working with young
people. They give me some really great answers to that question. What is a
paradigm? I remember presenting this to a youth
group once and as they thought it through, one of them raised their hand
and said, "Is it like 20 cents?" A pair of Dimes? No. But that was clever. Paradigm is
actually a word in psychology that denotes mindset. Mindset. One way to think
of this is the way you see things. A pair of eyeglasses for example. If I
were to put a pair of eyeglasses on you that we're tinted red here on the lens,
what would the world look like to you?
These are those rose-colored glasses that you've heard about. The world would
take on this rosy tint, right? Because the lenses that you're wearing alter
everything that you're seeing. What if we switch those out for some green ones? Now,
the world looks all green, right? Your lawn looks awesome. Your family not so
much. Everything's got this green tint to it. Now did the world change? No. But the
way you see it changed. And it's because of those lenses. So we might compare the
lenses to a paradigm. I have to tell you about an experiment that was done with a
pair of eyeglasses. Clear back in the 1800s, a psychologist
by the name of George Stratton designed a pair of eyeglasses that turned
everything upside down. Can you imagine wearing those?
He couldn't even get anybody to sign up for this study. They thought he was nuts.
So, he put him on himself. And at first, you can imagine, he was bumping into
everything. He had a hard time getting through his own house.
Well after a few hours, he started to get used to it. After a few days, he was
getting pretty good at getting around with everything being upside down and
his perception. He stuck with it. On day 8, something really amazing happened. Do you
know what happened? On day 8, everything looked normal to him. Which blew him away.
He took the lenses off and at that point everything was upside down. He had to
adjust back. His own mind did exactly what your mind will do too. It corrects
that image for you so that it looks normal to you. Wild, right? But we all have
this experience with sunglasses for example. You put on a pair of sunglasses,
everything looks darker, at first. What about after a few hours? You get used to
it and everything looks normal to you. It doesn't mean that the world actually
looks that way. It means that it looks normal to you because that's what you're
used to. This is how paradigm works. Paradigms are set up in our mind through
our experiences and it gives us a way to view the world. In all the reading that
I've done, in all of my experience in clinical psychology. I've concluded that
there are 2 determinants and distinct paradigms. And usually we're going to be
on one side or the other. I've labeled these 2 paradigms the victim paradigm
and the agent paradigm. You can also think of this as
the negativity paradigm and the positivity paradigm. You don't have to
guess too hard to figure out which one I prefer. Negativity, positivity. Victim,
agent. I'm not talking about a victim of crime or a victim of abuse. You can get
me going on that. I'm talking about a victim pair of lenses. A victim way of
seeing the world. A victim paradigm. As opposed to the agent on this side. A
victim goes through life blaming. "Wasn't me." And they want to blame someone or
something for where they are. An agent on the other hand takes responsibility.
Which in my book, Pathological Positivity is broken up into 2 words. Response,
Ability. It's your ability to respond to something. In the negative victim
paradigm, as long as we're blaming someone or something else for what's
going on in our own life, we have no power to change it. I spend about 13
years doing child-custody evaluations for the court.
This is yuck work. Bitter, angry, divorcing people who couldn't figure out how to
share their kids. And the court sent me in there. "Doc, you go figure it out." Oh!
That's a big job. These bitter, angry, divorcing people, who are they blaming
for all of their problems? Each other. How soon is the ex going to make everything
okay? Do you see the trap? As long as we're
blaming, we don't have the personal power or resources to change anything.
Taking responsibility is kind of like seeing your own hands on your steering
wheel. And if you're not where you want to be, what are you going to do? Turn it. Take
it somewhere. See, that's the agent paradigm. And victims can't do that
because they're too busy blaming someone or something else for
every things going on in their own life. It's a trap.
And it will get you stuck. The bad news that your hands are on the wheel, that
you drove here, that this is your responsibility is also the good news.
Because if your hands are on the wheel. Now, you can turn it. You can steer it.
Figure out where you want to go. On the victim side, it's all about "Why me?"
Usually in a whiny voice. You've heard it, haven't you? "Why me? Oh, I'm a good person.
Why would this ever happen to me?" Oh, really?
How about on the agent side? "Why not me?" See how empowering that is? And it's
just as legitimate a question. Different shade of lens that we're looking at the
world through. "Why not me? Am I not just as qualified as anybody else to take
this on? More qualified than some people? Yeah, bring it. I got this." So much more
empowering. How about, "Oh, I can't. I can't because..." And then you give 15 reasons why
you can't. That is totally a victim paradigm as
opposed to, "I can. I'm not sure how." So, you ask a question. "How can I?" Think about it
in these terms. "I can't." Kind of like a big power switch
on the side of your brain. And what position is it in at that point? "I can't."
Shutter down. We're done. That's about all we can do here. There's no other step
after I can't. As opposed to "I can, how can I?"
That's like turning that switch on. So, that now your brain is empowered to
start finding the resources that will allow you to answer whatever it is that
you're facing. The answer to every problem is a conversation away. Sure, you
don't know. But do you think that some of your fellow journeyers here on the
planet might have the answer to your question?
Have a conversation with them? I can, how can I? Whole different energy to that. Let me
mention one more aspect of these 2 paradigms. Scarcity. Now, when we start in
scarcity, on the victim paradigm, there's never enough. There's not enough time,
love, money, attention, whatever it is. We're constantly lacking. It starts first
thing in the morning, "Oh, I didn't get enough sleep last night."
Sounds like scarcity, right? As opposed to... What's on this side? Abundance. There's
enough, there's plenty. That... Did you get enough sleep last night? "Well, yes I did."
See? It's a whole different answer. Now, what's the truth? Is there scarcity or is
there abundance? And here's my point. There's an argument from both. Which one
are you going to choose? If you choose the scarcity paradigm, if you choose the
victim, the "I can't", the whining about why me, and you're blaming. See, this is all
victim. You're going to have a very different outcome than if you choose the
agent paradigm. The paradigm of abundance. The paradigm of, "I can, how can I do this?"
The paradigm of personal responsibility. You get to choose which paradigm you're
in. You don't always get to choose what happens to you. Have you noticed? If you
haven't, pay attention. Because life will teach you this. You don't always get to
choose what happens to you but you always get to choose your paradigm.
That's good news. Now, back to the glasses for just a minute. If I hand you a pair
of eyeglasses that are tinted red and the whole world looks red to you, it's
not going to look right, is it? Because that's not what you're used to.
You can get used to those, George Stratton taught us that. But it's not
going to look normal at first. So, if as I'm sharing these paradigms with you, it
doesn't seem right? It's probably because you're not used to it.
Don't discount it just because it looks different from what you're used to. You
get really good at whatever you practice. And if you have practiced a paradigm of
negativity, that's okay. Probably it came from your culture, your
background, your training, your... Sometimes we're trained taught and educated to
think in a victim way. That doesn't mean that's the right way. But if we practiced
that, it's going to look normal to us.
When I suggest a different paradigm to you, it may not look right to you at
first. That's probably just because you're not used to it. Try it on. And you
might need to persist for a while like George did with those upside-down
glasses. You might need to persist long enough that you get good at thinking a
different way. And why would you ever do that? Here's the bottom line. The outcome
to victim thinking is always captivity. Captivity. You know, some form of
stuckness. In fact, that's the way it's described most often in my office. "Oh, doc.
I feel stuck." Okay. Notice that. But it can range clear to the extreme of
incarceration. The outcome to an agent paradigm, the positivity paradigm is
Liberty, freedom. It creates new chances and possibilities
for you that didn't exist before you chose it. And the good news is it's
always a choice. I am so glad that you're here.
That you're engaged in these videos. You've probably thought of someone who
could benefit as we have this chat today. Would you please
share this video with them? I'll see you tomorrow.
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