Good afternoon. You're with the Family Is Channel.
I'm Yelena Danilyuk and today,
we'll talk about children trying to manipulate parents.
7 Advice of How to Behave with Manipulating Children
Today, I'll give you seven advice of what you as parents shall change
and what to pay attention to if you notice that your kid starts to manipulate you.
I'd like to say at once: believe me, no child is born,
no little one comes into this world, into your family to manipulate you,
to challenge your authority, to test your patience,
to test your character.
So, if we notice some changes in the children,
we need to understand that nothing happens without a reason.
Today, we'll discuss these reasons.
I hope that our short overview will help you pay attention to something,
correct your behavior in time,
influence the atmosphere in the family and put everything in order.
Stop Manipulating Yourself
Reason no. 1 – stop manipulating yourself.
If a child starts manipulating,
it means he or she sees an example somewhere,
sees how it works and how to do it.
A child follows an example… of whom?
Of mum and dad, of course.
Stop manipulating your child, your husband and children.
Check if the atmosphere in your house is honest and sincere.
Manipulation is always a sign that the relations in the family
stopped being honest. Sometimes we need something extra from our close ones.
Yes, we need a golden medal, good behavior,
or clean appearance, for example.
For that sake, we're ready to give our children something extra
to get something in return – something that we think will make us happier,
what will close some internal holes inside of us.
When parents start manipulating children from the earliest age…
For example, they say: "Behave better, and I'll give you something".
Then the child gets scared that mum is in low spirits, for example.
Because for him or her it means that he or she did something wrong.
Because the kid perceives it as a reflection of his or her actions,
of some emotions, be they negative or positive. Children are like barometers.
They are tuned at us. If we are in low spirits, what does it mean?
It means "I'm bad". Because the one who is close is always to blame.
Mum, dads, often grannies start drinking sedatives,
manipulating with their health, mood, even some material things
to get the desired result. We often want our close people
to be different from what they really are. We want something more.
When we want something that we are not in the reality,
the children follow the example gladly.
When they grow up, they become great manipulators.
I think we know well that any student will surpass his teacher.
Therefore, if we show such an example, sooner or later the kids will start
treating us in the same way, and often even with more zest.
Set Clear Rules
The second reason. Set clear rules.
It's bad when parents run to extremes in bringing their children up,
either prohibiting everything or allowing everything.
But situation when their mood changes all the time from black to white and back,
when today a child can't do anything, and then the parents' mood changes,
they experience some positive emotions, start feeling good inside,
and allow everything the next day is bad too. Or vice versa.
The child has no understanding, no bearing.
What rules are there in our family?
How do we live? When can I get this? When may I count on that?
What relations are we in with my parents?
When there are no set rules in the family, a child doesn't feel safe.
A child can't count that the situation will develop in accordance
with the principles of cause and effect, and not in accordance
with the mood of the parents or some other internal factors.
And children start adapting.
Naturally, they adapt in a way which is beneficial for them.
Therefore, the fewer comprehensive boundaries we have,
the less we control our state,
the less comprehensive family rules we set,
the less understandable our relations with the child are,
the more the child will look for different ways
to achieve a desired result.
Don't Be Afraid to Look Bad
The third reason. Don't be afraid to look bad.
Often the parents let the children manipulate them because inside of them,
a fear hides – what if I seem bad?
What if somebody thinks that I'm a bad mum or a bad dad?
There are many videos now in which we see ideal children,
ideal parents, ideal relationships in the family.
So, when one day our child starts behaving badly in the street,
or the kid starts getting hysterical in a shop, for example,
when he or she sees a toy and starts shouting,
at that moment mum may wish to stop the situation,
because people may think that she is bad. She starts hesitating;
she thinks that possibly she is indeed bad if her child behaves like that.
Such situations may be numerous.
When you're visiting somebody, for example.
Or when there is nobody close.
Because if a child cries, or wants something, or is sad,
or demonstrates his or her bad mood openly,
mum feels that fear and is ready to do anything
to get rid of that fearful feeling.
To make it all go away, to feel the everything is good,
that "my child is good,
everybody looks well at me and doesn't think that I'm bad".
Dear parents, please remember that in any situation,
especially when you're not home, when your child is a guest,
if he or she is outside, in the transport, in the toy shop,
in the supermarket and starts behaving badly,
ask yourself one simple question –
do I want to give that something to him, fulfil his demands
only because I don't want the people around to think badly about me?
If it's so, tell yourself that you're an adult and you'll manage.
If you were a child, you might have gotten scared.
But you're now an adult, you may stand up for yourself and for your child
if you think that it's right not to buy that toy to him or her for example.
You shall talk in a calm voice, without paying attention to other people.
Believe me, it is possible. It is difficult.
It's a long way, as are other things in life.
However, parenthood is constant development.
That's why no matter where you are, in the airport or in a shop,
have your clear opinion and know that you're right.
I mean the position which you consider right for yourself and for your child.
Be adult enough to stand up for it – not only before other people
but before yourself too. You shall say: "I'll stand up for myself and for you.
It's all right". Believe me, when a mother inside of you calms down,
when the feeling of fear passes, everything is fine. The child calms down.
If the kid hears your calm voice, he or she understands that it's normal
to experience negative emotions when you want something but don't get it at once.
You take the child by the hand and lead him or her out.
We have a great video about how to manage hysterics,
how to react at the hysterics in a right way.
The main thing which you shall do is not to be scared of them.
Because this is how it usually starts. A child gets used to the fact
that he or she may raise hell in a shop (a simple manipulation) and get a toy.
We all strive to be happy. If you know an easy shortcut to happiness,
you'll use it time after time.
It goes on when you come to guests.
Then in other situations.
Then the child realizes that he or she may play on mum's emotions.
Mum isn't confident in herself. When the child gets older,
he or she starts testing the waters – what else may I do?
How will mum react?
For example, she doesn't let me go somewhere, and I'm quite big now.
I shall think of something to make her feel unconfident
and doubt her actions.
The main thing is, the children aren't bad.
This is natural to look for weak places, if there are some,
and if their relations with parents aren't fully sincere. If we have some holes,
some issues which we haven't managed yet, the children will show them to us.
Not because they are manipulators or are bad
but because this is how the world works.
As parents, we don't have any other choice
but to work on ourselves without a stop.
We must work on our fears,
on our dependence on other people's opinion.
We shall also let our children vent their negative emotions without getting scared
and without letting them manipulate us with the help of those emotions.
Don't Succumb to the Feeling of Guilt
The third moment comes out of the second, so to say.
Please don't succumb to the feeling of guilt.
I saw many families where children grow up to be great manipulators
because at first the kid's mum and dad,
or granny and grandpa were feeling sorry for them because, for example,
mum and dad work a lot and don't spend much time with the kid.
Or because, say, mum and dad are divorced, and he or she grows without mum or dad.
You think: "Oh, I can't control my emotions,
I shout and cry while everybody around me is ideal". And so on, and so forth.
You feel guilty because you seem not ideal to yourself,
you seem to be worse than the others.
The parents try to compensate for that by the loyal treatment,
by letting the child do anything, by fulfilling his wishes
as soon as he or she expresses them.
They often compensate it with lots of toys and other material things.
Yes, mum and dad don't spend much time with you,
because they are at work, but you have your own room.
What does Vasya have? Vasya's parents ride bicycles with him,
but Vasya only has one toy, and you have a room full of toys, etc., etc.
Please remember – even if you work
and can't spend much time with your child,
at least less than you wish – it's quality and not quantity that is important.
I know many mothers who stay home with children
but their children play I-pads all the time.
They only discuss their games and points.
And if you come home and only have 15-20 minutes of time after work,
but you look your kid in the eyes, you listen,
you treat your child's problems seriously,
you set relations in which no manipulation is possible.
Because your relations will be sincere.
It means that your family members will be honest with each other.
That people won't disregard other members' interests
which may spoil the atmosphere in your family.
In some respects, the feeling of guilt is very productive.
It's a compass which shows us directions.
But for it to work in this way, you shall use it a bit differently.
You have a nagging feeling that you did something wrong.
Then tell yourself: if I feel it, it means that my internal values,
my internal identity doesn't match my actions.
I know what I'd like to do.
I'll do all I can not to behave in this way again,
not to humiliate myself with such deeds and behavior anymore.
I have enough strength in me to say that yes, I work a lot, and this is my choice.
But in return, I give my child this, this and that.
This is the feeling of guilt which will drive you and make you better.
Because due to this feeling of guilt
we'll do all we can not to experience it again.
There are a couple of actions we may succumb to.
We may either repeat the action all the time to prove ourselves
and people around that this action is a norm.
For example, mums often shout at children, even beat them up sometimes,
and then feel guilty and cry themselves.
These are the emotional swings.
However, they can't stop because the feeling of guilt blocks them.
It goes on and on, and then – bum! They lose their temper again.
Face your guilt and say – well, I am a human. But I'll manage it.
Yes, I have a right to make mistakes or something bad, but inside,
I feel bad about doing it. It means it's still not me.
As a great psychologist Svetlana Roiz says:
"If people tell you that you're a genius or you're great, disagree.
Say that you're much more. "I may be really rude", etc., etc."
Because each of us has a dark and a light side. Therefore, don't run.
Don't run away from your bad actions, from the feeling of guilt.
Think of how you may correct it.
This is the only way of development,
the only way to structure your relations with your kids.
You shall make sure that these feelings of yours
don't let your children manipulate you.
Then, such feelings will gradually evaporate.
Learn to Control Your Emotions
The fifth moment. Learn to control your emotions.
It's one of the most important aspects.
It's not easy, it's often very difficult,
but we are all going along a long road and it will definitely lead us to success.
If the parents can't control their emotions,
it's impossible to demand the kids to control their emotions.
They learn to do it from us.
Our task is to help the children manage their wishes.
When does a manipulation start? When we have some wish
and we can see that we can't get what we want right now.
Then we start looking for different ways.
The task of the parents is to help the children channel their energy,
their wishes into a right direction.
For example: "You want something.
This is great, you have a right to want, this is good".
Never tell your child: "You want too much, you won't get it".
Or: "Mum and dad work so much, and you want even more".
It's important to direct the kid's energy.
"You know, I'd be glad to give it to you. Let's think about what we can do.
We can buy this thing now or another thing".
If a child is big, you may already discuss it with him or her.
You may channel his energy.
"Look, I'll help you. Can you imagine how cool it'll be if you do something
and earn for it yourself? You may translate a text;
you may arrange an excursion" (if the kid is old enough).
If children are young, you shall teach them to manage negative emotions.
They need to understand that if they are sad
when they didn't get something or if something didn't go the way they wanted,
is a normal situation and a right state. If a child is shouting:
"I want it! I want it! " it's important for parents
not to get down to the level of the child,
not to communicate on his or her level. It's very important to say:
"I understand you". You shall manage your own emotions
and help the child accumulate, manage,
channel his or her emotions in a right way.
Then, the child won't try to manipulate you.
What scares us in the children's manipulations?
We're afraid of the outburst of the child's emotions.
We're afraid he or she will feel insulted, not happy, hysterical, or tearful.
We're afraid that we won't manage our own emotions.
At that moment, you shall stop and tell ourselves: "Enough! This is normal.
This is my kid's stage of development. I shall demonstrate my child
how to manage his or her emotions, how to manage failures and worries.
How to manage a situation when he or she wanted something but didn't get it.
How to direct the energy and do everything he or she can to achieve it".
It's a very important factor. Sometimes, people say that they are very emotional
and explosive, as if it's a stamp, something constant,
something that they have accepted and do nothing about. This is not right.
Even if you can't do something, your task is to show your kids
that you're doing everything you can to correct it.
It's a very important factor.
"I didn't surrender, I don't accept it, I continue to improve".
Build Respectful Relations in Your Family
The sixth factor is respect.
What is a manipulation? It's dishonesty in relations.
Right? How is honesty born?
It's born when the relations are sincere and based on respect.
One of the most important characteristics of good relations is respect in relations.
It's not in our tradition
to pay much attention to this term – respect, respectful attitude to the child.
The parents rarely think about what that child, that personality feels.
Am I bringing up a personality? Do I see a personality in my child?
Or do I see my own wishes and ambitions and move him or her in my direction
despite his or her wishes? Later, the child starts protesting
wanting to change the vector in the direction he wants.
The kid wants to wear clothes which he or she likes,
to play what he or she wants, study what he or she wants.
Therefore, respect to children builds relations
in which manipulations are impossible.
Because you can't be dishonest and bad towards a person who respects you.
If you understand that you're dealing with a personality,
there can be no manipulation there.
Because if a child is a personality, he or she isn't afraid of asking,
and he or she is strong enough to accept a refusal.
This is the main idea, the main rule which we shall strive to.
We shall teach children not to be afraid to ask us for something
and be strong enough to accept a refusal,
provided the refusal comes in a normal form.
Therefore, please ask for your child's opinion when it's possible.
And don't be afraid to refuse if you know for sure that something is impossible,
or you need to behave in a certain way, or if the circumstances stipulate it.
Be honest with your children. Listen to your child's wishes.
He or she has a right to say what he or she wants.
You shall hear him or her and explain your position.
Very often, unfortunately, we simply say: "I'm older, I know better,
shut your mouth and go to your room".
If nobody listens to you,
if you can't even express your wish, you can't do anything else
except for looking for way to bypass your prohibitions.
Therefore, build good relations, respect your child.
Talk to him or her. At first, it might be difficult.
You may imagine that this is not your child
but your boss or your best girlfriend with whom you wouldn't dare
behave in a disrespectful way.
In truth, your child is much more important
and valuable that your boss or your friend.
All your expectations in life are connected to him or her.
It's he or she who you'd want to spend time with while he or she is growing.
It's with him or her that you need to build good relations
when the child becomes independent.
Think about it.
I wish you to have respectful relations in your family.
Every time, when you want to disregard what your child says,
when you don't want to treat his or her words as important, devaluate them,
just consider it: you'll either break him
or her or make him or her look for ways around the situation.
One of the best-working ways out is a manipulation.
Create Atmosphere of Love in Your Family
The seventh rule, the seventh recommendation
of how to fight manipulations
is to create atmosphere of love in your family.
It doesn't depend on the time you spend together.
It depends on how good you feel together when you meet.
Because if there is no atmosphere of love and happiness in your family,
if you aren't happy to see each other, it means your family will live
for the sake of the material values.
And materials values mean getting something
by any means, without taking interests of other people into account.
You know, a human can withstand anything except for unhappiness.
If a person sees happiness in closeness, in a happiness of communication,
in love towards each other, it's good. If he or she feels that kind of happiness,
he or she won't wish to manipulate somebody, to do something
bypassing the interests of somebody in the family. However,
if there is no atmosphere of love in the family, if the relations in it
are based on a principle: "You give me this, I give you that.
You do what I say, then you get something",
if the relations between the husband and a wife are based on finding out
who has done what, if competition is endless – this is bad.
In this case, material values become the only source of happiness.
Any human who is mentally healthy
will do anything he or she can to be happy.
He or she will do anything to get those values. Including through manipulation.
Therefore, I wish you to live in the atmosphere of love
and respect in your family.
I with you to look at yourself, your relations with your parents,
your other halves and your children.
You shall honestly tell yourself:
there are cases of manipulation, there are some cases when I feel guilty,
when I feel fear that we haven't worked on yet.
We need to accept it.
The only way to fight something is to accept that the problem exists.
The only way of changing something is to say that yes,
there is a problem but I'll change that.
I wish you strength, and I'm absolutely sure
that children's manipulation can be managed by the parents.
Let's start with ourselves!
Thanks for being with us! Ask your questions.
Maybe you had some non-standard situations?
As all families are different, you might have had your peculiar cases.
We'll be happy to answer your questions.
Share your methods and ways of managing children's manipulations with us.
We'll gladly comment on that.
Also, please put likes, ring bells and subscribe to our channel.
Please send this video to people who, as you know,
have encountered the discussed problems. I wish you all the best!
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