Well, Pete, you just recently moved to Los Angeles
after living in New York for a bazillion years.
For 12 years and all my New York friends are like,
"Doesn't L.A. suck?"
And I'm like, no, it's the best. It's-
Yeah, you're loving it. It's so nice.
New York is a great place to live
if you wanna get better at comedy,
but L.A. is a great place to live
if you wanna get worse at comedy.
Guys, can we just get back to talking about dicks
and let me get through this live read.
Zulily.com is where you need to go.
Zulily.com/Nikki for an extra 20 percent off
already huge savings. Zulily.com.
Speaking of huge, let's talk about dicks.
Let's talk about them. Jimmy Carr is here.
You've already heard him already.
So, Nikki, surrounded by four men.
This feels like a night out for you, doesn't it? Come.
This is so exciting for me.
I love this crew in here. Jimmy Carr is here.
Tickets are on sale now for his new tour.
Oh, please, please, please.
Get tickets at Zulily.com.
Zulily. Call them. Don't worry about my tour.
JimmyCarr.com. Go see him on tour.
Let's see if I'm funny
before anyone's thinking about buying a ticket.
You're the funniest.
How have you been? What are you talking about?
And you know that you are.
Jimmy, how you doing this morning with your honey?
I got drunk last night. I found a bar in New York.
Well, my friend found a bar. Where you can still smoke.
What?
There's a bar in New York, it's called Hudson and Books.
Is it Hudson and Books? Let me look it up. At the -
Are they not going to be excited
that you're saying this out loud?
Like are they going to be busted?
Going to get raided?
There are two licenses in New York for bars
that were cigar bars originally,
and they couldn't take the licenses away
when they changed the law.
And there very small little places, but it alarmingly funny.
It's almost like owning a time machine.
I walked in there at like, whatever it was.
It was late. A plane.
Or a what? Or a plane.
Yeah, yeah.
That's the funny part is like wow, that's so quaint and new.
It's like that's every bar in Oklahoma.
Oh, yeah that's a good point. Yeah.
It's middle America cosplay.
Can you still smoke in Oklahoma?
There's definitely certain states
where there's indoor smoking.
Missouri.
There's a lot of states where they'll just eat the fines
because people won't go to their bar if they can't smoke.
Like, in Indiana there's bars where people do that.
I don't know whether to believe you
because you have wolves on your shirt.
Believe me more then. You think I don't know about Indiana?
I would normally be giving you spare change.
So you went to this bar last night...?
Yeah, I went to a bar.
Like, late night?
I've got a friend that was filming a thing.
I was filming a thing. So we went drinking-
Who is your famous friend?
Russell Crowe. We went drinking.
Oh, I had a feeling it was something like that.
Yeah, it was fun though.
Cool. Pretty fun night.
So we drank some very good whiskey and tequila
and I feel a bit, little bit...
I can't believe you're here.
I imagine you only smoke out of a pipe.
Oh yeah. 100%. 100%.
Like a chimney sweet.
Yeah.
Wait, a second. You were out until how late?
4 in the morning?
3 now. We're open till 3.
Oh my god.
I like a late night drink.
I don't drink much. I don't want to drink...
I don't want to get kind of blackout.
What does that mean you don't drink much?
How often do you drink?
Cause your tee-total now, right?
Mm-hmm (affirmative).
I gave up drinking for about 12 or 13 years.
Shut up.
Actually when I started doing comedy.
So I used to drink at college quite a lot.
And I was drinking afterwards, but I wasn't happy.
I think drinking when you're not happy is the worst.
And then I just started doing comedy,
and I just really want to do this.
And I kind of thought I'd come to a light.
I was about 26 when I started doing comedy,
and I went, oh I better really focus on this.
And it was enough fun that I didn't need anything else.
And then when comedy started not being fun anymore,
you're like, [inaudible] back into this.
I kind of just thought, I've done alright. I'll be okay.
I love that. I'm coming up on seven years,
December 9 of not drinking alcohol.
So what was the thing? What was the low point?
I felt the same way. I wasn't happy.
I saw everyone's careers that I wanted around me
who were successful people in comedy and I realized,
oh they all don't have a drinking problem.
Either they don't drink because they did have a problem.
Or they just don't drink that much
and it's not something that interferes
with their live every single night.
And so...
Were you drinking every single night?
Kinda! Yeah because I could.
I'd at least have a couple drinks
because you just can, and I was out every night.
It's a weird thing, as well.
It took me years to kind of like...
sort of, when I started drinking again
you kind of go to a comedy club and do a set.
And then you kind of never have to buy another drink.
You never. That's the thing, it's free.
It's a weird thing when you go no money is changing hands.
And there's something about me that's going,
well this is good, isn't it?
It's awesome.
Think of all the money you lost
not getting free drinks for those years.
Ahh. Whoa.
If you don't drink, they should just hand you money.
Like extra money. Somebody had a joke about that.
That's amazing.
Every time you go to the bar, every couple...
they hand me seven dollars.
After not, when you're not drinking as a single woman
and guys are like, can I buy you a drink.
I'm always like, no.
Give me like a Starbucks gift card.
Something? Seven dollars. That would get me two coffees
that I would really enjoy down the road.
A cup of soup?
That's bad though because after a couple of drinks
you can sleep with a guy.
But if we gives you $14 you really feel like a budget
[inaudible].
I would love that.
Nicky Glazer, budget [inaudible].
That could be the new special title right now.
I'm, listen, I'm workshopping some.
Thank you.
So yeah, it was just, I got to that point.
But let me ask you. What was the point where you go,
I'm going to have that first drink after 13...
12 or 13 years?
I built a house. I built a house in London where I live.
And we put a bar in it,
and so I had a bar and I thought, this is mental.
I'm going to have a drink. And I kind of had a thing where,
the last couple years of not drinking,
I would have like a Guinness at Christmas.
Like at the end of the last gig, I'd have like a Guinness.
I quite like it. Quite like just having that one drink.
Kind of slightly fetishistically.
Not getting drunk,
but just having one drink is like a lovely thing.
Edgy.
What a relatable story, by the way.
I'm starting to have... wow, I'm a very wealthy man.
I'm starting to ... very wealthy.
I'm starting to experiment with drugs now.
Like in my mid-forties, I'm starting to go,
oh, actually I'm terrible at relaxing.
I've got not capacity to sit home and do nothing.
So I'm just starting to kind of use marijuana
now for the first time. I love it.
It's great. It's terrific.
It's a very interesting thing if you've never done drugs.
I've always been sort of quite anti.
Edibles? Do you do edibles?
Yeah, I can't really smoke.
I feel like I'm in an Oscar Wilde play.
I feel like there's something about me with a cigarette.
Oh, hello. [inaudible] fancy here.
I think you would look cool with a joint. I don't like...
If you think I'd look cool, you need to get laid.
[crosstalk] You're not wrong.
That's a red flag.
You're not wrong.
When did you last get ... get ...
Get stuffed? Um ...
When did you last get... Get Stuffed With Nikki Glaser
is another great title for a show.
I love to get cummed in.
I know. I did say that earlier today.
It was a ...
Well, we've got a finale for the show, fellas.
It was, what morning?
It was Wednesday night. A week ago.
Well, that's all from us.
We're just going to watch it dribble out.
One week ago.
One week ago? One week ago.
One week ago. Okay.
Is that when I went to LA? I don't even remember.
Yeah, no Tuesday night. Yeah, it was Tuesday night.
A Tuesday night.
Yes, it was a Tuesday night.
Well, we all know the best sex is Tuesday night sex.
And how are the tacos? Did it sit well?
Did you have the tacos first? The Taco Tuesday?
Oh. It was late...
Did you fuck a Mexican dude
just because you thought, it's Tuesday?
There's so many things that you're hitting on
that I want to talk about.
I had gotten into town really late at night,
and I just climbed into bed
and we just banged it out real quick.
It was just a quick one-and-done.
I didn't even think, I was really going to ...
I was like not in the mood, really,
and then it was one of those ones that it was like,
I didn't know I was in the mood so much.
I think if I guy's not on the mood, that's a problem.
I believe thumbing in a softie is the expression.
It's like trying to play pool with a bit of rope.
If you're picking a lock with a marshmallow, that's an issue.
But if a lady's not in the mood, you can just use,
I believe they call it Australian charm, don't they?
Or saliva.
Yeah, Australian charm.
Oh, okay. Yes, exactly.
It's that easy, isn't it?
But that's the thing, I thought going into it
because I hadn't seen this guy in a while, and I was like,
I'm really really tired and like not into it -
I never get
[inaudible] twice. I'm amazed you'd seen it before.
I'm assuming she fucked her Uber driver.
You ever fucked an Uber driver?
Um, no.
The fact you're having to think about it
tells me every thing I need to know.
Well, I was just thinking have I ever had sex
with someone who has driven for Uber but not my Uber driver.
But not like, you haven't met a guy ...
that would be fun.
No, no, Jimmy. I think you think of me in a different way.
you know what that is? That's the sixth star.
That's how they refer to it. Oh, she gave me the sixth star.
Yeah, so it was just one of those...
I told him afterwards, I didn't know how much I needed...
It was like he found a pressure point
and just like dug into with his elbow.
It's one of those massages that was just like, oh Jesus Christ.
Like, I didn't know that it hurt.
It hurt good. I don't know what I'm trying to say here.
It hurt good?
Wait, this is a sex thing?
I think she's trying to write a Madonna song from the 80s.
I had sex and it felt...
I think she's trying to rewrite Like a Virgin live.
Like I was overly sensitive to it.
Where I was just like, whoa I didn't see that coming
and I was just like, it was so quick like I didn't...
You didn't see it coming?
I didn't see it coming.
Well, you like to be cummed in, so...
I didn't see... yeah, exactly.
They had a cervical camera so she could watch it later.
And he didn't - we were not doing cumming in
because I'm not on the pill,
so it's always got to be out and it's no unsatisfying.
We were talking about that before.
You guys had been pulling it out?
He pulled it out, yep.
Sorry, you're having unprotected sex.
Yep.
And he's just pulling out?
Yep. Because you're on the pill.
Oh, you know, like have you ever seen the Teenage Mom show?
Listen ...
Do not take any sexual advice from this lady.
That's crazy.
We've used the pull-out method only for years now, and ...
Pre-cum is really, Nikki Glaser.
I know, but I'm probably barren is what I'm thinking
because I've never had a scare. Never anything.
Like, I'm not ... never been pregnant,
and I've been having risky...
The pull-out method is not good to do.
Let me see it.
Let me just do a quick exam. I've never been pregnant.
I've had things where I thought I was pregnant,
but I've always just known, you're not pregnant, bitch.
You're just late because you've been eating weird or whatever.
I think you should start a family.
Yeah, I'm going to go there.
I think you should start a family right now.
No interest. I would be a great mom.
Oh, I didn't think so, but ...
No, I just think you're running out of things
to talk about in your comedy specials.
I think you should have a family.
You think you'd be a great-
That is not wrong.
You think you'd be a great mum?
Oh yeah.
I think I know someone who is going to start drinking again.
That's the thing.
Mommy needs a livener. Get Mommy's special juice.
Get Mommy's special juice. You have to Uber to school.
Jimmy.
That Uber driver's cute. Tell him I like him.
Jimmy. When you started drinking again, how quickly did it...
You've had to have some night where you're like, oh god.
What did I do? All those things that...
I've quit drinking because I hate those nights.
I hate nights where I blacked out.
Where I can't really piece together.
I've sent texts I don't want.
I've written tweets I don't care for.
And I just have that anxiety...
The hangover's terrible. Is the hangover ...?
I occasionally get the beer fear.
I occasionally get the kind of thing
the next morning of going, oh, I'm the worst.
But I tend to just get that a lot from travel.
I get that more from traveling than I do from drinking.
It's exacerbated maybe slightly from drink.
But actually, I just get the fears
sometimes when I'd be traveling.
I've done about 40 countries this year
and I find if I get my circadian rhythms about,
I get depressed.
And the drinking is like, you maybe have a drink
to take the edge off trying to get to sleep.
And then that's more the thing, rather than the...
because you still get the everyone hates me thing now,
I imagine?
Have you listened back to the show?
Have you not been on Twitter? Come on, Nikki... Come on.
But no, I sometimes get that thing,
and I think it's unrelated to drinking.
I think that hangover thing of like,
I don't mind having a hangover
and feeling a bit dehydrated or whatever.
Not a biggie. I'll deal with that.
But that kind of depression the next day, thinking,
oh my god. The anxiety thing.
I suffer more with anxiety now than I ever have.
I think it's kind of travel-wise.
I think it's all to do with ... I think you're right.
And that's why I'm kind of interested in marijuana
for that deeper sleep.
Not really to get high. I just want to sleep.
They actually say that..
That's why I take it.
It's bad. It's worse for your sleep.
They say that it messes up your REM sleep.
I took 10 milligrams last night
and woke up just glued to the bed.
I slept eight hours, but it felt like three.
I can't get up. That's why I don't do it.
I can't smoke before I go to bed
because the smoking high only lasts
for three or four hours, and then I wake up like, ahhhh.
Edible keeps me asleep the whole night,
but then it's not good sleep. I'm bad at sleeping.
That's another reason I can't drink.
Do you do melatonin?
A little bit.
I've started doing a little bit of melatonin.
Melatonin is the best.
Yeah, two milligrams a day, every day.
It's really great.
Two? Wow I do 10.
No, my girlfriend was doing like 80 milligrams at a day.
They were 10 milligram pills and she would just, gulp.
And she learned apparently there is a curve,
an effectiveness curve that she was overshooting by a mile.
So now she's back down to like less than 10.
But I did a thing in Australia this year
where I flew to Australia twice in January,
which is from London a bold
[inaudible] flight.
So got there, and went, right, sleep.
I'll take some Valium. So, I was given some Valium.
Took some Valium
and then I basically had nothing left in my system.
I didn't realize it strips all the serotonin from you.
So I took all this stuff on the jet lag as well,
and was kind of wandering Australia
as well going, I think...
I'll kill myself.
Yeah, we're all going to die, aren't we?
Australia is bleak.
Which way does London go to Australia?
It's direct? Does it go over one of the poles or something?
No, there is one direct flight into Perth,
but then the downside is you arrive in Perth.
Burn on wherever Perth.
Yeah, get fucked, Perth.
God bless you American and you're lack of ...
Tim Minchin's from Perth. There's good people from Perth.
So it's kind of a, you fly,
maybe Hong Kong or Singapore on the way.
But I think you're right.
Like, all these things we attribute
to that's why I feel bad. It's really...
the drinking is messing up your sleep,
and the sleep is what's really causing you to be...
the lack of sleep or the circadian rhythms
being all messed up is what causes it.
Well, it's an interesting thing is that with something like AA
where people deal with the drinking problem
rather than what's causing them to drink.
Like, actually good therapy and I think a lot of this stuff
with like you know DMT and people doing Iowaska
or whatever to kind of push through whatever that thing
is that's making...
you know, and there's two very different types of drinking.
There's problem-drinking, and there's just - hey, listen.
I went out for a drink with some friends
and we had a lot of fun. It was great.
Yeah, you're absolutely right.
I mean, people drink because they're sad
and they want to numb out.
That's when you have a drinking problem,
and that's the same way I eat sometimes.
Like, last night I just got home and I was like,
I'm feeling things I don't want to feel.
And I'm just going to stuff my face until I feel sick.
And it's...
I'm doing the same thing that I used to do with drinking.
And part of me is like, why don't I just get drunk?
What's your go-to food?
I eat really healthy stuff
because I just want to eat everything and eat...
I want an excuse to be able to eat forever and ever and ever,
and so I'll just eat like veggies and hummus.
She's vegan.
And so, I'll...
Oh, have you been to the Butcher's Daughter?
That place in New York.
They've got a couple of locations.
Are you making a joke? Is that vegan?
No, no, it's vegan, right? It's vegan.
I thought he was going to fuck with you.
No, game-changingly good vegan food.
I went there once. It was very good.
I'm vegan most of the time.
Yeah, it's the way to be. For sure.
But it's ... yeah, I binge on like really healthy stuff.
But I will make myself sick.
People go, all you eat is salads.
I go, you don't understand the amounts I can put away.
And when I'm going on, an emotional binge...
I feel like I'm talking to a crazy person now.
The idea that you're binging on salad.
I mean... that's not a thing. That's not comfort eating.
It really is. I love salad.
I crave it. I love healthy foods,
and I eat disgusting amounts of them where you'd be-
I'll eat... I'll literally eat 3000 calories of a salad.
This is, no. Whoa, whoa, whoa time out.
Comfort eating is ...
That's insane.
So I can eat for hours. Hours!
Whereas someone who's eating a cake
can only eat that cake for 15 minutes.
However long it takes you to stuff a cake in your face.
I can have the same amount of calories
that that cake is over hours and I can eat the whole time.
Because then I prolong... it's like, I used to drink.
I used to drink vodka sodas
and I would do a little bit of vodka
and a ton of soda so I could just chug and chug.
And consume volume without having the ...
without blacking out too fast.
You need vodka lettuce.
I love that people wake up from food benders.
I think all of this relates to the size
of her father's penis is my take.
It probably does.
It's all about volume.
Oh my god.
But the idea of your bender being that.
Like most people go on a bender and they wake up
with like a stomach ache from all the sugar
or bloated from all the salt.
And you wake up the next day and take the most perfect shit.
A perfect cylinder with flat ends.
I do. I do. I mean...
Just a tube of play-doh.
I went to bed last night so sick.
Oh, man. I woke up a six pack.
Oh, I'm so fucking ripped.
I have 100% a binge eating disorder.
Like, 100% but it would never ring any alarms
because I binge eat healthy food.
So, no one's ... everyone's always like,
oh, Nicky and all of her salads.
And it's like, I'm crying for help.
But it's...
What were you suppressing last night?
Can we talk about that?
I was suppressing the fact that the guy I'm seeing
hasn't been as communicate with me as I want him to be.
I was suppressing that I performed a song last night,
and I didn't nail it the way I wanted it to.
I was suppressing the fact that I have to make-
Whoa, whoa, whoa. You performed a song?
God Damn?
Yeah, the Goddamn Comedy Jam.
What song did you do?
Blank Space, Taylor Swift. Yeah, it was really fun.
Really, you covered Taylor Swift?
Yeah, we did like a rock version of it.
It was awesome. It was really fun. I was...
I mean...
The fact that I wasn't going to get enough sleep
because I wanted to eat a lot, and then if I went home
and went to eat a lot, I still gotta be up for radio.
So I was kind of stressed about not getting enough sleep.
And then today, I have a meeting after this.
And then I have another thing later,
and I have to go to Mike Birbiglia's show
which I'm excited about but I'm also like
it's just another thing I have to dress up for.
I'm seeing it Thursday.
And like look good, and I'm going to the Comedy Cellar,
and I have to- I'm suppressing all of that.
You have to dress up for Mike Birbiglia's show?
Yeah, it's a Broadway show.
I'm going to take a fucking picture.
He's not even dressing up for it.
I know, that's the ironic...
He's a married man with a child.
I'm not dressing up so Mike Birbiglia's like,
wow, Nikki looks...
it's like I'm going to take a picture and post it on Instagram
because that's why he's giving away free tickets
to all his friends anyways, so that we all promote
and so that I can talk about how amazing it is.
So I want to look cute for that picture.
Then I have to go right to the cellar
and do the Comedy Central
taping that they don't provide hair and makeup for.
So I gotta do that. And then I have to make sure...
There's just so many things that I'm juggling that I just eat,
so I don't have to think about them.
But I'm going to get it all done.
I'm going to say. No one else is going to say it.
I think you should get back on the booze.
I know, right?
You never hear anyone say that.
And sometimes you just go, lean into that.
Have a drink. Take the edge off.
I think I could, and I think I will some day, but ...
Come on. Have a drink.
I just think all of my sober friends
will be very disappointed in me,
and that's kind of what keeps me doing it.
I've got a lot of friends in AA.
And how sad were they for you?
I was never in...
I never really had a problem big enough.
My thing was just, I just stopped.
It wasn't a big... I didn't have a drinking problem.
I just happened to not drink for 12 years.
It sounds like more of an issue but then is,
and I drink a little bit now but not much.
I think I might give it up again just to lose weight.
Right, yeah.
Is that what helped you in the first place losing weight?
No, I stopped eating after 6.
I did 8 for a while and that was hard.
Shit, we got to go, guys. The show's over.
How did this show fly by so fast?
Jimmy Carr, thank you so much for being here.
You're so fun and exhausting.
And Matthew Broussard, thank you for being here.
That's his name. I knew it.
I was going to say, the guy from Scooby Doo.
Oh, my god.
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