Waching daily May 19 2018

My home country, Australia, is a commonwealth nation which means

our head of state is Queen Elizabeth the second.

Her family is our Royal Family and it's getting bigger by the day.

A few weeks ago, a new Prince was born and

Prince Harry just got married to Meghan Markle. With more Royal news, please welcome

one of our writers, and official English person, Matt Kirshen.

>>Thank you, Jim. I am legally English.

>>I presume you're excited about the Royal wedding?

No, it's ridiculous.

>>Yeah! Absolutely.

>>The Royal family IS ridiculous. It's embarrassing. It's undemocratic. It's unfair.

>>And it's absolutely essential.

You really believe that? I mean, I'm technically one of the Queen's subjects and

even I just think it's a crappy celebrity family. It's like if you had to

bow to a Kardashian.

>>Jim, it's much worse than that.

>>It's like if the Kardashians only mated with other Kardashians

>>for hundreds of years and after centuries of inbreeding, whatever crawled out of the final Kardashian was on your money.

I'm confused. You're in favor of this, why?

>>Because it's honest.

>>Like that's the difference between America and the commonwealth countries.

>>In America, every child is told, "you can be President when you grow up".

>>It's bullshit!

>>No one in this room will be President.

>>No one watching this at home will be President. You're dreaming!

Just let them dream, Matt. It's fun!

>>Yeah, it's fun to think you'll grow up to be Batman, but it's no way to run a country.

>>Look,

>>when I was 3, I was told-

>>"You will never be King".

>>Like, that's what they tell little children. You won't be King, you won't be Queen.

>>Give up.

>>And we grow up angry and resentful. And that's why we have free healthcare.

I'm not sure I'm seeing the connection.

>>Jim, right now in London, there is a 4 week old baby

>>who is legally superior to both of us.

>>Prince Louis is currently less intelligent than a dog

>>and he is more fit to lead the country than I'll ever be.

>>The only thing stopping us from storming the castle is free penicillin.

I will give you that. It is true that healthcare is great in the commonwealth.

Like, I can go into a hospital with a snake bite from a snake that I actually raised to bite me on purpose

and the doctor will be like, "aw, nipped you again did it, Jim? We'll get that fixed up!"

>>Right, exactly! You don't get that with your "I can do anything" American bullshit!

>>Like, ohh I can be President if I do my homework and brush my back teeth.

>>Oh! I can overthrow a tyrannical government with an AR-15 and my buddy Mike who does situps.

>>We know we can't. So we don't try.

>>That' the trade-off. The Royals get a gold carriage. We get 8 months maternity leave.

>>Private Royal toilet?

>>4 weeks of paid vacation.

Private toilet?

>>Yeah, Jim. Yeah. The Queen has her own private toilet wherever she goes.

>>And that's her burden.

>>It sounds great, but, if she destroys it--

>>she can't blame anyone else.

>>Like, WE get to go, "oh I don't know who was in there before me!"

>>Not the Queen.

Still, going your whole life being told you're a second class citizen. Isn't that a little....pessimistic?

>>Yeah! Britain is built on pessimism.

>>Our most famous slogan is "Keep Calm and Carry On".

>>It might as well say, "shut up dickhead and know your place."

>>And that got us through a war!

Come on, Matt. America may eventually get universal healthcare.

>>No. Not while the "American dream" is a thing.

>>You will never get the freedom that comes with being worth less than the corgi shit a butler tongues off the bottom of the Queen's shoe.

>>Americans--

>>stop thinking you're all special. Just try to be more british about it. I know you can do it.

>>You used to be us.

Thank you, Matt Kirshen! He'll never be king. This guy? Never.