Imagine if you suddenly realized that there were thousands of holes in your
memory. There were chunks of childhood, adulthood, celebrations, and relationships
just missing from your mind. This is dissociative amnesia and it's a
shocking realization when you're diagnosed with it, because then you feel
like your life is only partially lived.
Hello! I'm Arien Smith and you are watching Arien Inspires, a weekly online
web series where I help survivors of abuse find peace and joy and prosperity.
Now, I do know that that opening was a little intense, but that's the reality of
dissociative amnesia. Many of us survivors of abuse experience this, whether it's
through a chronic condition like dissociative identity disorder or even
just repressed memories from past trauma. Not knowing what happened during days or
months or years can be a terrifying thing. We can doubt who we were, the
stories that people shared about us during those times, and what we'll even
remember tomorrow. Will it be more or less? Will we even be able to recall the
good experiences that I had today? When I first got my dissociative diagnosis
and realized that it wasn't normal to not remember about 15 years of your life,
I was absolutely terrified. I was suddenly questioning what it even meant
to live, since I couldn't even remember my own life! I was missing significant
memories of my birthday, childhood friends, lessons in school, and even adult
relationships that I had had. I was missing large chunks of information
about those relationships. It's understandable that with dissociative
amnesia you feel like you can't live fully. That was me too at the beginning
of 2017. Now, you might even know why you have dissociative amnesia. Like repressed
memories from trauma or other alters being upfront. But that doesn't make it
inherently easier to come to terms with. But this will. First, no other human being
remembers everything. Yes, amnesia means that we remember a lot
less than your average person, but memories don't make a life. Life is this
moment right here, your experience right now. When you have a memory, that's an
experience in the moment too. You are experiencing the process of remembering.
When you don't have a memory, that's also an experience in the present moment. Life
is lived in the moment and this is so important for us survivors with amnesia
to remember. Life is not your memories. You are vividly
and amazingly alive right now. No matter what you recall about your past, you're
living and you can have a wonderful and full life. Now the other really important
thing about living a full life with amnesia is about recognizing that grief
is normal. It's sad to not remember important things like the first time
that you were intimate with your life partner or when you first got your dog.
Even though this amnesia formed to protect us from trauma, there are
sometimes happy things that we forget too and this can naturally make us sad to
not remember these things. So let yourself grieve. Let it be a sad
experience and don't fight that trauma is sad and the impact, the amnesia that
it's caused, is saddening too. You don't need to be perfectly okay and smiley and
acting like everything's totally fine when it really doesn't feel that way.
Grief is normal and it's a part of coming to terms with and accepting
dissociative amnesia. When you let yourself grieve, you'll be taking a
weight off your shoulders. A weight that was preventing you from living fully.
This is how you'll begin to feel fulfilled, by acknowledging and
experiencing the feeling of confusion and doubt and grief that comes with
amnesia and by recognizing that life is lived right now, right here, as you're
watching this video, this is life. And it's vivid right now, whether you
remember it in a moment or not. None of us know how much we'll remember or even
how long we'll be on this planet for, so that's why living in the moment is such
an important thing. For us survivors of amnesia, we sort of get a leg up on this.
We have to learn to live in the moment if we're going to feel fulfilled at all.
So what's your biggest fear or concern about dissociative amnesia? How do you
feel it limits your life and how, with what I just talked about, do you feel
like you can reclaim some of that joy and fulfillment? I'd seriously love to
hear what you have to say, so go ahead and leave a comment below!
You're also not alone in this. Dissociative disorders and traumatic
amnesia are so common for us survivors of abuse, so if you have a friend or you
know you have some followers on social media, please go ahead and share this
video with them. I've personally never heard anyone talk about how to live
fully when you have dissociative amnesia and your friend may not have stumbled
upon a resource like this either. This video might be that exact message that
they need to hear. As always, there are a ton more resources over at UncoverYourJoy.com,
so head on over, check it out, and leave a comment! While you're there,
be sure to subscribe to our email list. You'll receive exclusive monthly self
love letters, weekly blog updates, and free resources
I send only to my email community. But what really counts right now is what you're
experiencing within and around you. That's your life and by paying attention
to it, you will start to live fully. And every single day remember that you are
loved, you are worthy, and you are capable of so so much.
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