Hi there!. We are heading into I believe it's the year of the goat, in the
Chinese zodiac which starts in February. It's gonna be an awesome year! So I
wanted to share with you something that I saw happening over the holidays with
my family, because I think it's so relatable to the...oh shall we say the
challenges in being understood. So if you've ever felt like you're trying to
explain, you really are, you feel like you're being really clear, and other
people just aren't getting it. Well maybe this tip could be useful. So picture this,
I was at a table with my family and the conversation was around the
holiday schedule for next year. You know if you're like me maybe your
spouse and your in-laws live far away from you and your family, and every year
at holiday season in planning Thanksgiving, Christmas, and you know
everything in between, it's you know, a negotiation of where we're gonna meet.
And there are all sorts of limiting factors like who's working when, and who
hosted this time who wants to host next time, and travel plans and kids schedules
and all that. And so every year at least in my family up to recently it has been
a you know renegotiating, we don't really have a set plan yet of where the
Thanksgiving is going to happen, or where Christmas dinner will be, or where New
Year's Eve celebration will be. And that means every year about 9 people
are involved was negotiating what we're doing this year. And a lot of times
there's a sense of well I don't know, you know can't decide till we know, and that
means that everything is waiting like a nail biting thing to the last minute. Ahh!
And it's unnecessary stress. So I'll just fill you in on what's happened with my
family. My two sister-in-laws live far away in Florida, and there's been always
a little bit of confusion on why we can't all
meet for Thanksgiving here in Atlanta. My husband would love to host Atlanta
because here we have a changing of the seasons, we have the space, and we'd love
to have family visiting here. Why can't this happen? And obtain the out there's
always spend a little bit of vagueness and understanding between the three
siblings of my husband and my two sister-in-laws of why Thanksgiving can't
happen here. And basically one of my sister-in-law's husband works in a
hospital and the other sister-in-law works in a corporate job. And so
sometimes the two sisters are trading off but the end story is why
can't Thanksgiving, why can't we all be together for Thanksgiving, and which my
sister-in-law husband always says "because I have to work". He works in a
hospital. To which everyone else is always baffled, you know this a year in
advance? You know I mean my goodness can't you get the day off, and and if you
don't get the day off why is that? Is it because you don't want to have
Thanksgiving with everyone? To which he replies and he's getting more irate, you
all do what you want, I'm telling you I already know pretty much a year in
advance that I will be working on Thanksgiving. I work in a hospital. To
which everyone else continues to be baffled, why can't you get the day off? I
mean my goodness you've got a year in advance to put in the notice, you know
most people can choose the holidays. And he's he says again, I can't
do it because I have to work on Thanksgiving. And you can hear everyone
else getting baffled. So this is an excellent example of when people are
repeating themselves, being very clear, they think they're being really clear,
you know he's saying pretty clearly, I can't take Thanksgiving off I've got to
work, right, pretty straightforward. And everyone else hears him and here's the
same reaction, why do you know this a
year in advance, right, I mean most people can put in for the time off more
than a year in advance. And there's this constant confusion and bafflement on both
sides, you can hear the stress rising, and he is saying look I don't want to stop
you guys, go ahead and have Thanksgiving wherever you want it, I'm totally fine,
I'm telling you I have to work on Thanksgiving. So this conversation
repeated in front of me at least half a dozen times this year. It repeats every
year at least ten times throughout the year because it's the same conversation
that happens in January, February, March, April as we get closer and closer to the
holidays. It's the same why can't you get the time off..I have to work...and everyone
says what can't you get the time off, and he says I'm working on the holiday
because I work in a hospital. And everyone is stressed and confused! How
many of you have related to this? I'll tell you what's happening, people are
repeating themselves and being very clear and being very emotional, and they
think they're saying what they mean, let me tell you the crux of the matter that
finally came in this time, because this is making both sister-in-laws upset, my
mother-in-law was confused, everyone is looking at this one person saying why
can't you get the time off, and he's getting more upset saying look I'm
working bla bla bla bla!! What he was trying to say, and nobody had a clue,
although he thought he said it, in certain hospital positions you don't get
to pick and choose which holiday you get off, it's bucket A of holidays or bucket
B of holidays. Meaning hospital split, you can either have Thanksgiving off with a
bunch of holidays, or you can have Christmas off with a bunch of other
holidays, but you can't have both. And what he was trying to say was I've
picked Christmas, I want to be with my family on Christmas, so I picked bucket B
of holidays. That means I will always and forever probably be
working on Thanksgiving. That nuance never got explained instead everyone was
repeating themselves over and over, getting more upset because he feels
like he's conveyed and communicated something that never quite got across to
everyone. and because once it got over the basically we were able to pull out
why sometimes when you ask people why they get more defensive I told you I'm
always needs to work I'm thinking I work in a hospital in there you can feel the
emotionality right we were able to tease out of him
what he was trying to say is I really want Christmas I have to pick and choose
between bucket and bucket B and if he was also trying to say I don't want to
stop you guys right and people here didn't quite hear that part. It felt like
well what's wrong with you? Once we were able to tease out this nuance that he
really didn't have a choice, it's bucket eight or bucket B, then people said oh,
and he said I've been trying to tell you, and everyone else was like baffled like
this is the first we've heard of this in three years. And so this is what I want
to encourage you all...there is a difference between repeating yourself,
and being redundant. If you feel like you're trying to explain your position
whether it's folks go ahead and have Thanksgiving without me, I don't want to
stop you, right, I mean I can totally understand that, or if it's look I don't
get a choice, you all seem to think I can pick, and you know if you're
saying the same things over and over and people still aren't understanding, try
redundancy, say the same thing a different way. And what I observed is a
lot of times when there are these constant log jams of communication,
what's happening with me, my family and my clients, people are repeating
themselves quite clearly, they feel like they're being very clear,
but it's missing something in the translation. Either the listener is
assuming something, you know we're not quite hearing him because
he said the same thing over and over, and we're assuming all this must mean you
know who knows maybe he doesn't want to be with us, or whatever, or we really
don't want to have holidays without you, right, like we're not able to hear the
speakers try to say exactly what it means.
Try redundancy, say the same thing a boatload of different ways, and
you're going to have a better shot of clearing up the communication logjam
that's repeating yourself. This is very common with empaths
and people who think they have said something. They think they've said for
example , no. Someone asks can you do something for me, and this person really
thinks they're saying...well you know, I don't know, it depends, and they
think they said no, but they didn't, right? Say that same thing different ways. You
know sometimes people think it's up to the speaker to be clear, and
sometimes people think it's to the listener to listen clearly. It's both! If
there is a log jam and you're the speaker, say the same thing different
ways, because the tendency is to say I said it once, I've said it a hundred times...
you said it once but people hear differently, and if you assume everyone
listens the way you do, that ain't gonna work. Or you try to listen and you had a
bunch of assumptions about what's going on, you know you should be able to
reschedule 364 days in advance, no that's not the way it works, because none of us
work in a hospital, we didn't know, right. Things are much more nuanced than we
think. So this is a little long round about way of saying if you notice you're
having these communication log jams, try saying the same thing a different way.
Use different words, different analogies, we finally understood the concept of
bucket A and bucket B of holidays and oh my god it made such a difference, now we get it.
We can strategize what we want to do now. OK? So hope you guys are having an
awesome holiday season, you know, this is a time for celebration,
connection, and I look forward to hearing more about what's going on with you in the new
year. Rock on. Thanks. Adele Wang. www.safehavenhealing.net
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