-Let's get to the news.
While answering questions about
Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh's drinking habits,
President Trump today praised himself
for not drinking alcohol, adding,
"Can you imagine if I had? What a mess I'd be."
[ Laughter ]
I mean, yeah.
You'd be in and out of relationships,
you'd miss work all the time,
you'd slur your words,
and are you sure you don't drink?
[ Laughter ]
A college classmate of Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh
has said that he often saw Kavanaugh
"staggering from alcohol consumption."
That's nothing.
I saw him screaming and crying at a job interview
while totally sober.
[ Cheers and applause ]
At a campaign rally this weekend,
President Trump said he "fell in love with"
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un.
[ Laughter ]
Well, that makes sense. He is 27.
[ Laughter and applause ]
13 people in New York today were stuck in a subway elevator
for one hour before police were able to rescue them.
But on the bright side, they still didn't miss their train.
[ Laughter ]
A company called Posh Pushers
has begun selling fashionable hospital gowns for women
to wear while giving birth for a more stylish experience.
Or for a truly stylish experience, never have kids.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Mountain goats -- Mountain goats in Washington state
are being air-lifted out of Olympic National Park
after their population developed a craving for human urine.
Said the scientist who made the discovery,
"It's not what it looks like."
[ Laughter ]
A man -- A man in New York has broken a state record
for growing the largest pumpkin, weighing in at 2,027 pounds,
though its doctor claims it's actually 239 pounds.
[ Laughter and applause ]
As long as I have the record.
A "Jeopardy!" contestant last week
made a surprise marriage proposal to his partner
who is sitting in the audience,
and then Alex Trebek said,
"Congratulations on your new 'fiancée.'"
[ Light laughter ]
That joke's been going exactly that badly all day.
[ Laughter ]
It's the hill I chose to die on.
[ Laughter ]
Fiancée.
'Cause Alex Trebek, when he gets a foreign word,
he likes to fancy it up with the pronunciation.
[ Laughter ]
That's why that joke's very good.
[ Laughter ]
That's -- That's why that's a very good joke.
[ Cheers and applause ]
What is no reaction?
[ Laughter ]
And finally, engineers in Japan have developed a humanoid robot
designed to work on construction sites.
In fact, the robots are so realistic,
they've already been suspended for sexual harassment.
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