Hi there. Today we're going to talk about how to help a child who is failing you.
You know as a parent, all of us want our children to be successful, we want them
to be happy and one of the most challenging things that we can
experience as a parent is when our children are not succeeding. So, when they
seem to be failing and we want to help them stop failing. So, that's what we're
going to talk about today is you know, how do I help a child, my child who is
failing. Before we really address that issue. We want to address a couple of
other things just as a reminder of you know, this YouTube channel is all about
principle based living. So, identifying principles or laws that govern the world
in which we live. Because if we don't recognize or understand that there are
laws to govern then, we may come up with beliefs that are in violation of those
laws. And you know, that's kind of that definition of insanity where we keep
doing the same thing over and over and over and expecting different results.
Well oftentimes, that's because our behavior is in violation of the law or a
principle. So, we think that if we just keep doing this or we do more of it or
we do it louder or we do it faster or whatever, we're going ot get a different
outcome. But it's just like, you know, if I held a book and I think that I can set
it here in the air and it will float. It's not going to float, it's going to drop. And
it doesn't matter how many times I do it. It doesn't matter how fast I do it. It
doesn't matter how I hold the book. What angle. It's still going to fall because
there is a law of gravity that governs that. The foundational principles that we
talked about at Principle Based Living is the
principle of accountability which says, "I am accountable for my life." And I can't
give it away to anybody else and nobody else can take it from me. I am
accountable for the choices and the decisions that I make. They directly
affect me. They indirectly affect everybody else.
But directly, they affect me. The second is choice. And that we have a choice in
any circumstance or situation as to how we're going to respond and how we're
going to think. Nobody can take that choice away from us. And the third is
control. All of us like to be in control or we want that sense of control in our
life. And we do things to try to gain that control. But the truth is, we only
control three things. Our conscious thoughts, our emotions and our behaviors.
So, with that said, now let's talk about the situation I've got a child that is
failing. Well, first of all I need to look at my definitions because words are
powerful and the meaning or definition that we assign to words is very
important. So, I want to look at what does failing mean? Because I would question is
there such thing as failure? Or is there only learning opportunities. And maybe
quitting. So, quitting or giving up maybe we could say that that is failure. But it
isn't really failure, it's quitting. Because let's say that I'm a young
child and and I want to learn to walk. And I try to walk for a couple of weeks
and I just can't get it. I keep falling down, so I just quit. I don't try anymore.
Well, I don't believe that that necessarily is failure it's quitting.
Because if I would have continued to try to learn to walk I would have eventually
figured it out. So, I didn't fail learning to walk. I just quit trying. I stopped. I
quit. So in life, what is failure? So, if I look at my child and let's say
that my child is 14 months old or 16 months old and they're not walking. And
I'm looking at my child compared to their siblings or to the neighbor or
child or what I've read about you know on the internet or in books. And it says
that most child children should walk between 9 and 12 or 9 and 14 months. And
now here my child is 16 months and they're not walking. So, "Oh, no my child is
failing." And so, now I have this feeling of something is wrong, something is not
right with my child, my child is not normal, my child is not as good as the
other children. And then I may go to well what does that mean about me?
Because my child came from me and if my child you know can't walk, what does that
mean as their parent? And so, now I begin to get my value from my child's behavior
and I become anxious about that. And so now I get more persistent with my child
trying to help them and encourage them to walk. Because something may be wrong.
Well, do you think that your child may pick up on your anxiousness. And your
child may begin to feel that something is wrong? And now they feel that whenever
you're around them, you have this anxious feeling. So, maybe there's something wrong
with me as a child. Because my parent is anxious around me all of the time. So,
maybe there's something wrong with me. And if there's something wrong with me,
might it influenced me and my decisions to try. Because maybe I'm afraid of not
meeting your expectation as my parent. And so, it's easier to not try at all. So,
this whole idea of failing can begin at a very young age with our children.
Because of our expectations about how they should grow and how they should
develop. And if they're not doing it in our time frame or the timeframe put out
there by somebody else, oftentimes we can become
anxious and respond in ways that can begin to create patterns at that age
that will continue on throughout their life. Unless we at some point begin to
identify that and make a change. Let's take it to an older child. Let's say we
have an elementary aged child now and they're struggling in school. Let's say
with relationships. And they come home from school every day complaining that
kids make fun of them, they bully them and just mistreat them. Now as a parent,
again, if I'm getting my value from my child. This is going to be a reflection on
me. So, here my child is. I want them to be accepted I want them to be popular. I
want the other kids to like them because if my child has that experience then I
must be a good parent. I must be doing what is right as a parent. So, they come
home complaining about that. Well how am I going to respond? I may come from a
place where I believe this isn't right. You know, this isn't fair and my focus
will be, "I'm going to go to the school and I'm going to talk to the teacher and I'm
going to get after the teacher." Because the teacher isn't doing their job. Because
the teacher should protect my child and keep them safe and stop bullying from
happen. So, as we talk about this, I want you to just know that again I'm talking
in in general here. Because there are times when it is important that adults
intervene. But again, we need to understand the principles here because
first of all if my child is being bullied, is there a reason that that is
happening? The answer is yes? Everything happens for a reason. So, why are they
picking on my child and not picking on some other child? Now, I can focus on the
bully and try to change their behavior. But how much control do I have over the
bully? None. And the only way to maybe control or stop that is, that I've got to
be present with my child all of the time when that bully is around. To make sure
that the bully doesn't bully my child. But what am i teaching my child when I
do that? I'm teaching them that the problem is the bully and that my child
kind of is the victim because the bully is controlling my child and making my
child feel bad. Well what if I turn that situation around and just looked at, "Hmm,
I wonder why my child is getting bullied. Is there things that my child is doing
or not doing that attract that into their life? Are there things in my
child's personality that make them kind of a target for other kids that have the
issues of their own? And they are attracted in and then look for that?" So,
the difference would be I focus on this and changing this which I have no
control over. I sent a message to my child that my child has no power because
I have to control this. The other choice is, I focus on my child. Again, not in a
blaming way but in an empowering way of we look at, "Okay. Well, what am i doing to
influence this from happening? And what could I change about my behavior to get
a different outcome?" If you haven't read seven Habits of Highly Effective People
by Stephen Covey, I encourage you to read that book. It's an amazing book. But
there's a part in the beginning of that book where he talks about that he and
his wife had a situation with one of their children when their child was
probably about age 7 or 8. Didn't have any very good friendship skills. Other
kids made fun of him all of the time. Athletically, he wasn't coordinated. In
baseball, he couldn't hit the ball. Other kids would make fun of him. Parents in
the stands would even laugh at him. And Stephen says, that at that time as
parents, they did everything they could to kind of build up their child and
protect him against everybody else. And sometimes
would get after the parents who would say main things and and stuff like that
but he said he was doing research at the time. And through part of his his
research, he realized that his parents they were getting their value from their
child and that truthfully, when they looked at how they saw their child. They
saw their child is not being okay. They saw their child with the uncoordinated
part. That he was not very athletic and he didn't have very good social skills.
And so, they saw that and were kind of embarrassed about that. And they realized
that they too were seeing their child as being broken. And that if they wanted
their child to be whole and complete, they needed to begin to see him that way.
And so, they let go of focusing on the things that he wasn't so good at and
they started to focus on the things that he was good at.
So, the strengths that he had and they began to focus on those. And they began
to trust that he was capable of taking care of himself and to be able to learn
how to develop those friendships and relationships with others. And he said so,
as he and his wife talked about that and they made a decision to back off and to
quit rescuing their child and to trust that he could figure things out. And that
they would just focus on the strengths and the good things in his life. He said,
"Initially it was very difficult." Because their child in a sense felt abandoned
because where the parents had always come in and rescued them in the past, now
the parents didn't do that. But they were continuing to send messages that they
believed in him and that he was okay and that he could figure it out. And they
said it was amazing to see the transformation that occurred in his life
over the next few years. And ultimately, he became the student body president in
high school and he was an all-state athlete and the captain of the football
team. And so, all of those things that he
struggled with he developed and and they became strengths for him. And so, as a
parent I have to be real careful because if I see my child is failing, I may
actually send that message to them and actually reinforce their belief that
they are incapable. And that they can't accomplish things. One other just quick
experience that I can share with you. We have a residential treatment center for
teen girls. And we have girls that come to our program all of the time that are
failing in school, that are in special education, that have 504 plans. And they
have convinced their teachers, their parents and everybody that they are not
capable of doing the school work. And so, they make all kind of accommodations for
them so that they can pass, you know, the class. And yet, even with all of those
accommodations, it's still not enough. So, a lot of these girls come in and they're
still failing. They're not even meeting those lowered expectations that have
been given. When we bring them in to our school, into our program, we're a
principal based program. And we live in a world where principles apply to all of
us the same. So, it doesn't matter who I am. Gravity applies equally to me. So, it
doesn't matter if I'm a good person, it doesn't matter if I'm not as smart as
the other person, it doesn't matter if I have one leg, you know or no arms or any
of those things. If I step off a cliff, I'm going to fall. Principles of success and
happiness and relationships apply to all of us equally. So, when the girls come in,
we treat them equally. And we have expectations of what is required in
order to complete and move through our program. And of the hundreds of girls
that we have had come through our program, we have only had less than a
handful that have been so conditioned, that they believe that they can't do
things, that they don't ever step up and do it the rest, they rise to the occasion.
And it's amazing as a girls that can't read, that can't
comprehend, they can't write, they can't do all of these things that all of a
sudden, are reading books and we're talking about difficult books to read.
The writing 5 page reports on those books. They're learning to communicate
and express themselves verbally. And for a lot of their parents like, "How is my
child doing this? I didn't think that my child was capable." So, oftentimes what we
do is we disempower our children because of our beliefs that that they can't do
it. So, I would encourage you to look at that all of us are capable of
accomplishing anything that we want to do in this life. But if we don't believe
in ourself and if that belief is reinforced by our parents and by others
around us. And we have this fear of failure this fear, of not being good
enough, well, I just may get to the place where I may be afraid to try anything.
And then look where that leads to. I won't try anything in life, I won't try
to develop relationships, I will never get married and have a family, I will
never have a job, I will never be able to be independent and be on my own. Because
I'm too afraid to try and fail. So, I believe that all of us are amazing. That
all of us have the potential to accomplish anything that we desire, if we
desire strong enough. And if we're willing to put forth the effort and be
persistent long enough, we can figure it out. If you've got a child that is
failing, change the way that you see them. Begin to see them as capable, competent
and able to achieve and accomplish. Quit stepping in and rescuing them. Do be hard
to do, initially. But if you don't nothing will ever change. If you want them to be
successful, start allowing them to be responsible for themselves now and start
believing in them. Thanks for joining us again today. Hopefully this information
will help you in your relationships with your children. And to help you
live a happier and more fulfilling life. If you want to know more about what we
are doing, visit our website at principlebasedliving.com
and subscribe to our YouTube channel.
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