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welcome to PTSD bunker here for your brain I'm your host Carl Waggett welcome
to evening PTSD report guys happy Monday to you what am I saying
Happy New Year's Eve yes congratulations look whether you hated it or loved it
2018 she's out the door that's right we got a new one right down the chute 2019
so guys I do hope you enjoy your evening you know what it's just me and Jack in
the house tonight yes all the kids have gone out to respect of New Year's Eve
parties am i attending a New Year's Eve party sadly no but that's because I have
no friends and I'm good with that please because that allows me to stay here and
do this show for you don't cry for me Argentina seriously we all have a role
to play and I think I'm starting to understand what mine is
so anyways listen guys before we get on with the show I just wanted to say I
really hope you do have a great New Year's Eve and everything works out in
2019 for you because I think it's going to
so look guys before we get on with the show I got a bit of an announcement to
make look I ran into this really great guy
named Shane and he's the owner of the speaking to the heart radio network and
you'd only heard our little show that we've got going on here and said you
know what Carla kind of like what you got and I said well that's fantastic
I'm really glad you enjoy he said no seriously I'm looking for a PTSD show
for my lineup right you know that's really weird because I have a PTSD show
that's looking for a lineup so things worked out wonderful we shook hands and
now we're doing this syndicated thing oh it sounds posh I believe it's what Ryan
Seacrest does a little bit smaller than him but hey you have got to start
somewhere right so anyways guys let's get on with the show enough up within
the announcements please so guys what are we looking at this week well guys
what kind of bouncing off what we were doing last week you know this whole New
Year's resolution because guys I'm not giving up on it no I think it's a hell
of a platform to spring off of so this is why I'm not letting go of this now
look last week we talked about this kind of power of change yeah and once you
understand how to change stuff then guys you can pretty much change anything you
want I mean don't get me wrong you can't change bone structure and shit like that
but hey if the stuff that you want to change in your life
guys you're able to do so so what are we gonna take a look at this week well guys
what we're gonna look at this week is your brain yeah and how it kind of
operates because look guys can I tell you something when you get your brain
on board with what you're doing life is so much easier you have no idea and look
this is the gift I want to give you in 2019 so I didn't get you anything for
Christmas oh I'm such a cheap bastard that way so look let me at least give
you this okay so guys look as I said you know when I first started with this
whole PTSD depression anxiety thing I was at a huge disadvantage because I
thought it was all bullshit yeah I did look not that I say that PTSD depression
anxiety is bullshit but I just didn't see how you could get it in the fire
service like how could seeing something hurt you that made no sense to me I mean
please don't get me wrong if you're in a war and people are shooting at you look
I can understand how that would play with your noodle but hey like I said I
went to bed at 11 o'clock and worked out when I didn't have calls I didn't see
how this was a problem and to be honest I really thought the only time people
complained about bad calls was when they wanted to summer off yeah seriously you
know you turn to your cap and say hey cap I'm having the bad dreams I need a
couple of months off to clear my head I didn't think it was actually a real
thing so the problem is when this started happening to me guys do you
think I stopped for a second and went oh yeah this could be PTSD
no I just thought it was life kicking the shit out of me now look guys I've
got wood man okay I I do think different than most people I know this for a while
I've I've always thought a little bit different than the masses but what
really started to bother me was when I when my actions were different than what
I agreed with and that's something that really really bothered me because well I
didn't really recognize what I was doing I need please I was acting of my own
freewill don't get me wrong but the decisions I
was making I I didn't agree with him any more right now the problem is if anybody
would have called me on this I would have torn him apart seriously no joke
like seriously if anybody would said a Carl you know your lights coming off the
rails here I would have gone are you joking why do you take a look at your
life holy shit and I don't just beat the snot out of my
way but I'll tell you what when the house went quiet I knew this shit that I
was doing wasn't right I knew that right but the problem was I I didn't feel like
I could change and you know this is what really really
frightened me when I made this conscious decision that I wanted to change
something and I for some strange reason I couldn't do it right I couldn't figure
it out so anyways doesn't bit of a fun fact
about PTSD look it really doesn't do most of the dirty work it gets its
buddies to do all the dirty work and when I say buddies I'm talking about
like insomnia right you know that's one of the major calling cards of PTSD for
the simple reason guys look I had no idea that we had to process stuff we saw
seriously nobody told me this when I got hired I learned about - roles and you
know how to how to breach a door and shit like that but ask for processing
calls you gotta be kidding me well look see this is what happens is that if we
see stuff and we don't process it well our brain wants to figure it out why
well because it's a brain and not an elbow and that's what brains do is they
figure out problems but the thing is what look when we're walking around in
day to day life our five senses are taking in so much information that the
brain doesn't have a whole lot of time to you know think about other stuff
because well let's be honest it's processing what it sees what it years
what it feels what it smells but what do you think it has to do when it goes to
you go to sleep yeah it's not taking in any information at all is it right so
this is when the brain really starts to go to work and it starts figuring shit
out well listen I'll tell you what if you've got a few disturbing memories
that you haven't really had a look at well sometimes when it's poking around
up there it will awake the Beast and this is what
used to happen to me look I didn't have nightmares or bad dreams or anything
like that dude I just woke up every two or three hours and trust me this will
wear on you eventually so look I figured I've got a way to fix this insomnia yeah
cuz look I'm not going to doctors no no no look cuz if Carl starts taking pills
to go to sleep he's gonna have to start taking pills to wake up and I don't want
to go down that road but listen I do remember when I was in college there was
a time that I used to fall asleep when I didn't want to and it was because of
alcohol yes that's right I grew up to a party wake up the next morning in a
bathtub with a penis drawn on my face not cool I'm not getting into it but the
fact of the matter is I thought hey listen desperate times calls for
desperate measures right hmm so I called the drinking
back up yeah why not I figured this would work you know what bottom line the
only reason I really drank well was to sleep mm-hmm
yeah because you know I drink I pass out and then at least I would sleep because
look guys anybody who hasn't slept for a long period of time
desperation starts to kick in right and you you need to sleep right you you have
to now look I know this is gonna come up as a bit of a shock but alcohol actually
brings a few problems to your life I know that's shocking but guys I never
thought about this for a second for the simple reason guys well really all I
wanted to do was sleep right that was it so the problem is is one of the things
that I found that really beat the snot out of me with these hangovers look I'll
tell you what when I was uh you know in my teens in my 20s hangovers didn't
bother me at all but holy shit in my 30s look I remember some hangovers where I
actually thought there was a creature in my head trying to get out honestly if I
had a chisel and a hammer I would open it up to let it out these hangovers were
atrocious now let me ask you what kind of mood are you in when you're hungover
like that trust me not a very good one and when you're not in a good mood guys
that's gonna affect relationships around you it can't not right so that's exactly
what I found is it okay well maybe I'm not getting along with everybody anymore
so guess what isolation gets invited to the party sure why not you know what I
used to hear all this shit about people can't drink alone I never found a
problem I prefer to drink alone oh yeah I'd sit down in my basement
cuz remember guys during these drinking times look I'm not going out to the bar
whooping it up no no no Carl Santa's basement and he's medicating himself so
he can get to sleep hey I didn't know any better right so you know what it's
not like I'm gonna go around asking people about it I figured alcohol was
the way to go that's the way I was going all right no harm no foul
well look I I remember this time frame really really good it was around around
2007-2008 right when I am when I thought okay well maybe alcohols the way to go
about it well you know I didn't take very long before I realized okay Carl
this road doesn't go anywhere okay you you can't do this anymore okay seriously
can't wake up feeling like shit every day and guys can I talk about how much
it cost I'll tell you what you never hear anybody talk about that
with drinking but holy shit does it do a number on your bank account I couldn't
believe how much that habit cost well anyways all besides the point I realized
that okay I'm nuts enough I need to give this a break the scary thing was is I
found it wasn't that easy this really freaked me out because the problem was
is that look when I drank I felt great right but when I wasn't drinking I felt
like shit so guys let's just say for instance I drank from eight o'clock at
night till midnight alright that's cool that's four hours that I feel good guess
how I felt for the other twenty yeah isn't it incredible how your brain will
actually take that four hours of pleasure and put up with the 20 hours of
pain guys this is what I was starting to experience
and guys I wasn't cool with this feeling right because look at my whole life I
drank for entertainment and now for some strange reason I'm doing this because I
have to so I realized okay this is gonna stop alright I remember coming that
conscious decision that okay enough enough
right this has got to stop but like I said it was at this point that I what
couldn't or sorry let me take that back it's not that I couldn't said I didn't
want to yeah what was really really strange about this was look when I was
in college I drink like a fish are you kidding me it was disgusting look I went
on a golf scholarship to Kansas right honestly I went down there I remember
going down there in August 180 pounds I came back American Thanksgiving I was
220 I put on 40 pounds in that time frame all I did was drink you know what
he's stone light I remember that and natty light and I ate whoppers hey what
are you gonna do they would 99 cents on Wednesday oh I used to load up on him
but the fact was is that look I could drink as much as I want in college but
when I didn't drink I never thought about it you know what I mean the
problem that I was fighting now that I drank and when I wasn't drinking all I
thought about was well when was the next time I was getting a bottle of wine this
was strange for me because I didn't remember drinking being like this at all
because like I said in college there really wasn't any hangovers I drink my
face off and then go a couple of weeks without even thinking
about it and now it seems that the hangovers are terrible and I need this
stuff all the time well anyways look I think anybody who kind of does a little
bit of a dance with alcohol hits that moment of clarity where they realize
that okay this is gonna stop right and my moment of clarity came in
the form of something that really wasn't that big of a deal
but for some strange reason it really knocked me on my heels so like I said
the time frames around 2007-2008 right like 10 years ago and you know probably
fir like a good year that was my my constant thing that I did was I you know
I picked up a couple of bottles of wine a night and that's what I drank and I'd
go to sleep so anyways you know around 11:30 or so I finally peel myself off
the couch and I walk up to bed net you know I'm not even using a wine glass
I've got like this this glass tumbler or something you pour orange juice in I'll
tell you it was a mess back then I woulda drank out of a paper cup I didn't
give a shit well anyways I grabbed up the thing of wine and I'm walking up a
stair and I'm giving myself the same speech I give every single night it's
almost like a habit to me now what I'm going okay Carl you got it you got stop
this shit like seriously this is not good for you it's cleaning out your bank
account your liver is not amused at all but anyways you know what I make it
upstairs I finally gag down the last drink of
wine right and I go to get into bed and my ex-wife at the time she had these
posters made up right and they had my kids pictures on him and Cody was about
two at the time right and this picture was just a two-year-old on a coaster
whatever a lot of people Adam right so anyways I finally drink this bottle of
wine or this glass of wine I put it down on the coaster and I go to look at the
glass and there's still a little bit of red wine in the bottom but when I looked
through the bottom of the glass I can see my son looking back at me he's like
- right I don't know why that hit me so hard that night cuz look even as I tell
the story right now it doesn't really seem that big of a deal but at that
point for some strange reason I had this flash in my head that look Karl you have
to stop this because well if you keep this up okay this is great your son's -
he doesn't see any of this stuff but do you really want your kid to see you like
this later like seriously and from everything that
I've heard about drinking you don't want to wait to quit okay the
more you drink the worse it gets so so I name is at this moment of clarity where
I was like okay that's it I'm done like seriously I am finished right 20 was I
wake up the next day you go to work cuz look you want to hear something really
messed up look I always drink the night before I go to work because then I knew
I'd sleep most normal people do not drink before they go to work the next
day but the thing was is if I drank I knew that I would sleep until I had to
get up I knew I'd feel like shit but at least I'd get rest what you want to know
when it got really messed up do you think I didn't drink on my days off of
course I did right it's funny how your mind all of a sudden starts to justify
this so anyways this is all very weird so anyways again up I go to work that's
fine right and at the time we were working four on four off right our
department now works 24 hours shifts but the fact is is that my relief for the
day came in at five o'clock that night well I tell you what all day I wrestled
with my mind about you know what I'm not gonna get when oh maybe you should just
get one no no I'm not gonna do it and I'm doing this back and forth and the
fact that I mean is having this inner dialogue bothers me okay because I'm
thinking about it all day long well let me tell you by the time I got to 3
o'clock between the hours of 3:00 o'clock and five o'clock did my mind
take a shit-kicking honestly it was like a courtroom up
there trying to justify everything should I get one shouldn't I go and I
don't know well anyways my relief comes in at five o'clock right talk about a
long day because this is all I've thought about all day right and this
alone is bothering me cuz like I said in college never thought about it unless I
had it right mmm so when it was on the ride home right I'm driving home like
okay no I'm not gonna get a bottle of wine tonight you know what I'm gonna
drinking herbal tea it'll be nice although a bed at 8 o'clock it'll be
fine no worries well you know how we all have this inner dialogue all of a sudden
this inner dialogue starts to kick in and start saying you know what Carl come
on seriously all you do is work you don't do anything else everybody drinks
is it really that bad if you have a bottle of wine tonight this really
freaked me out okay because it look as far as I was concerned
okay our mind we're supposed to protect us and look over us okay I'm consciously
trying to make a decision here and for some strange reason it's like my inner
voice is saying no deserve the line go have it look more
than confusing alright and guys I post a question why would you argue with your
brain as far as I'm concerned that is crazy right if your brains telling you
to do something you should probably go do it right now here's a really
difficult thing that most people don't know look if if you're in an argument
against your brain and you don't know the battlefield you're on you're gonna
lose yeah your brain will your brain obedia and
and this is one of those big big things with addiction right you know if your
brain like something it likes it and that's all there is to it so anyways as
I'm driving home for some strange reason my car magically pulled into the wine
store I don't know what happened I can't be held responsible but the fact is I
went in there and got three bottles wine because I felt I deserved it look this
was so messed up at this point I remember driving home from the wine
store that night I even have the radio on I walk in the house whatever I put
the wine on the counter because you know what I you know what I failed right as
far as I'm concerned and you know what as I open the bottle of wine I actually
actually felt sad as I was pouring it out can I give you guys a word of advice
if you ever sad when you're pouring a drink out take a hint
seriously look I'm not gonna tell you what to do with that situation but just
just take a hint if you're sad when you're drinking right because this is
what I was doing and look it look it bothered me because I didn't have the
willpower to beat it right and I think that's what really scared me the most
because well okay I always gave myself to speech about I should stop this you
know I should stop this whatever but this time I actually made a conscious
decision that I was gonna stop it and and I didn't write this really shook me
it really did a number on me for the simple reason guys is look I've always
considered myself a very strong person you know somebody who can stand up
against the odds or whatever and and and over come whatever is thrown at them but
the problem was I was starting to find out that I was well I was extremely weak
in areas okay and the problem is guys those areas you know those dark corners
of us those are the areas we don't like to look at yes no we keep those buried
we don't tell people about those right and the problem is when you don't
understand those ones that's those are the ones who really go
to town on you right and and this was what I was fighting with alcohol it had
me whichever III I turned the fact is is that I felt better when I had it and it
was almost like my brain was telling me that I needed it very spooky right so
the problem is is I found this a lot with PTSD depression anxiety was every
time I tried to better myself in any way it was almost like my brain was there to
stop me it was a weird feeling you know and whether it be changing my diet or
stopping smoking or like I said given the wine arrests a couple of nights a
week right like I'm not talking about cutting out all the time but shit we
don't need to be drinking seven nights a week right I even gave myself well why
don't we go Monday Wednesday Friday and what I found was I couldn't even do that
it was at this point honest to god guys I thought I was cursed I did obviously
I'm telling nobody about this right and and the thing is when you don't know
anything about this what else are you supposed to think but you're cursed you
know you're doing shit that you don't agree with you know it's not healthy for
you inside your head you're trying to stop it and for some strange reason
well you can't I actually thought I was on like this self-destructive mode is is
what I really thought that you know what all the bad shit that I've done in my
life was now while it was coming back to me right and even though my my very soul
knew that I needed to stop this it was like my brain wanted it and all of a
sudden I found myself in this really really weird fight that I didn't know
how to fight and yeah I'll be honest with you it scared the living shit out
of me because I really didn't know who to turn to
because let's be honest am I going to an AAA meeting at this point no come on I'm
still convincing myself I don't have a problem honest-to-goodness right and
this is the time that you should be seeking that when you start to feel that
holy shit I am no longer in control the situation but the problem is asking for
help you've got to be joking me we all try to fix problems on our own right and
this is when it gets really really scary for the simple reason guys I uh as far
as I was concerned it was matter of time before the Ascend fellow
yeah something that I did really really wrong because you know I kept doing
these bad things right and now all of a sudden I'm starting to think well Karl
it's it's just a matter of time before you push it too far right you know maybe
take one of those days where I come into work and I'm not feeling so good right
and some overanxious acting captain pulls me into the office and says you
know Karl I uh I've noticed you haven't been signing your book lately and well
firefighting is not just breaking stuff haha we've got a document stuff too so
I'm afraid I'm gonna have to write you up on this one and let the PC know about
it well I can only imagine what I would say after that right and you know the
problem is is that you can't come unglued at captain's because it's not
very good for your career so I've heard so I've heard but the fact was is that
guys if I if I lost that job now that would pretty much be the enemy right
like I said at the time I'm 35 36 no formal education where am I gonna find
another job and I seem to be on this really really weird railroad track where
things are going bad and the fact of the matter is is all of sudden I get the
snapshot of my future and I don't see a whole lot of it and I remember thinking
you know the last thing I want is my is my kids to see me go through this and
watch the fall of their father because as far as I was concerned there was no
way out of it right that's truly what I thought as as
terrible as it is it was the first time that I'd ever seen suicide is being nob
Noble and I can admit that because look let's be honest guys you know a you know
if something happens to you and you die you get two years salary right so that'd
be two years of my salary from my kids University and if that didn't happen and
I lost my job and then I couldn't find work anywhere and we'll our my kids
gonna go to university then look I'm not saying that's right but it's it's
amazing what your brain will do and what it will can't it convince you of and the
problem is is this is exactly what I started to look at I started to feel
like I had no control okay anything that was gonna happen
was already set out and the was nothing I could do about it and the
problem is when you find that you're fighting against your brain like this
this can really kick the shit out of a person's self-esteem for the simple
reason if you can't win an argument with yourself how the hell are you gonna make
it out there and I remember thinking that so guys look this is exactly oh you
know what New Year's Eve and Here I am rambling it's no good guys look this is
what we're gonna talk about all week okay is how our brain hey it's a
fantastic muscle I'm not hating on it seriously but the fact is this guy's
when PTSD depression anxiety gets in there really messes with the wiring the
problem is is our brain well it kind of turns on us a little bit and when that
happens guys trust me it's uh it's sad mondays all the way through the week it
is because you can never seem to catch a break and guys if there's one thing that
I've noticed with this PTSD depression anxiety guys we can't afford any more
fails right and you know with it with a new year right on the doorstep guys I
think this is an incredible opportunity to will really change stuff and you know
if we understand the battlefield that we're in guys I don't think for a second
that you guys won't be able to handle this for the simple reason I see what
you guys overcome at work are you kidding me
some of the most incredible scenes that I've ever seen look it's you individuals
that fix it right so being able to fight this battle guys I think you're gonna be
able to do this but the problem is if you don't have a roadmap I'll tell you
it can get really really messy so anyways guys listen as I would love to
stay on here GABA going all night guys I can you respectively have parties to get
out to there are people waiting for you if not there's phone calls to be made I
highly recommend if you haven't talked to an old friend in a while
tonight's a night to do it you should call them or text them catch them is
probably easier but the fact is you know what on nights like this you need to
capitalize on because guys believe it or not fresh starts are real yeah they are
I know life kicks the shit out of us a lot and we don't think they are but
trust me they really are and guys we're going to examine it all week how we can
really take advantage of this what our brain is doing because guys if we can
get out in front of this guys we can we can fix stuff yeah and we can make
next year hey really quite something so guys I'm excited about this week for the
simple reason I think it's information like this that will really turn a light
on so guys as I always say the end of every Facebook live guys if you're
having problems with the stuff and you need a bit of a support group that
you're looking for guys I've created one it's called the bunk room not only that
it's free you can't beat the price you send me a friendship request to Carl
Waggett and I'll send you an invitation of the bunk room lots of really cool
people in there and you know what they have a perspective on this whole PTSD
depression anxiety it will help you out of time well anyways guys I cannot thank
you enough for joining I see 13 people are watching us
guys that blows me out of the water I figured I'd be here gabbing away on this
thing by myself so guys you have made my year incredible seriously you have and
guys I hope I can bring some information for you in 2019 then we'll help though
the situation a little bit well as long as you don't go through the shit I went
through then guys I'm a happy man you guys take care of yourself as I always
say get out there get yourself in trouble have fun tonight and we'll see
you guys in the new year you guys take care
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