WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
NOW I'M GOING TO SAY -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I'M GOING TO SAY SOMETHING I DIDN'T THINK WAS POSSIBLE
ANYMORE: I'M SHOCKED BY SOMETHING DONALD TRUMP SAID.
( LAUGHTER ) I THOUGHT, BY NOW, MY SOUL HAD
CALCIFIED INTO A CROUTON.
( LAUGHTER ) NOT TRUE BECAUSE
TODAY, THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES TWEETED, "I HEARD
POORLY RATED @MORNING JOE SPEAKS.
BADLY OF ME.
DON'T WATCH ANYMORE.
( LAUGHTER ) THEN, "HOW COME LOW I.Q.-CRAZY
MIKA, ALONG WITH PSYCHO JOE, CAME, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT,
TO MAR-A-LAGO THREE NIGHTS IN A ROW AROUND NEW YEAR'S EVE, AND
INSISTED ON JOINING ME.
SHE WAS BLEEDING BADLY FROM A FACE-LIFT.
I SAID NO!" ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
WHERE TO BEGIN?
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S A BUFFET OF (BLEEP).
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
FIRST OF ALL -- A STEAM TABLE, AS IT WERE.
( LAUGHTER ) FIRST OF ALL, SOMEONE BLEEDING
BADLY AT YOUR DOOR, AND YOU SAY NO?
SOUNDS LIKE YOUR HEALTH CARE PLAN.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) >> Jon: WHOA!
>> Stephen: I MEAN, TURNING THEM AWAY FROM YOUR HOTEL DURING
THE MIDDLE OF WINTER IS LITERALLY THE STORY OF
CHRISTMAS.
( LAUGHTER ) ONLY THERE WASN'T A WISE MAN IN
SIGHT.
THIS IS SHOCKING AND VICIOUS, SO... ON-BRAND!
( LAUGHTER ) AND THE REVIEWS ARE IN:
"VULGAR," "CRUDE," AND "A NEW LOW."
NO, IT'S THE SAME LOW.
( LAUGHTER ) WE'RE AT A CRUISING ALTITUDE OF
MARIANAS TRENCH.
( LAUGHTER ) THERE ARE GIANT SQUID LOOKING
DOWN AT US RIGHT NOW.
OF COURSE, MIKA RESPONDED WITH HER OWN TWEET: A PICTURE OF A
CHEERIOS BOX SAYING "MADE FOR LITTLE HANDS."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
REALLY, MIKA?
MAKING FUN OF SIZE OF HIS HANDS?
I'M MORE WORRIED ABOUT THE SIZE OF HIS BRAIN.
( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, THIS IS SHOCKING TO
EVERYONE WHO ISN'T EMPLOYED BY DONALD TRUMP.
REPUBLICAN SENATOR BEN SASSE TWEETED, "PLEASE JUST STOP.
THIS ISN'T NORMAL."
AND LINDSAY GRAHAM TWEETED, "MR. PRESIDENT, YOUR TWEET WAS
BENEATH THE OFFICE AND REPRESENTS WHAT IS WRONG WITH
AMERICAN POLITICS."
HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, LINDSAY.
THIS IS NOT WHAT'S WRONG WITH AMERICAN POLITICS.
YOU DON'T SEE PAUL RYAN THROWING SHADE AT CHUCK SCHUMER FOR HIS
EYE JOB.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S WHAT'S WRONG WITH AMERICAN
PRESIDENT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
OKAY?
( APPLAUSE ) LET'S STOP PRETENDING TRUMP IS A
SYMPTOM OF SOMETHING.
HE'S THE DISEASE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND THE ONLY CURE IS THREE AND A
HALF YEARS OF LIQUOR AND BED REST.
( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, THE FIRST LADY
DEFENDED HER HUSBAND VIA HER SPOKESPERSON: "AS THE FIRST LADY
HAS STATED PUBLICLY IN THE PAST, WHEN HER HUSBAND GETS ATTACKED,
HE WILL PUNCH BACK TEN TIMES HARDER."
YES, AS THE FIRST LADY SAYS, "WHEN THEY GO LOW, WE GO TEN
TIMES LOWER."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
SO THE FOCUS ON CYBER-BULLYING IS GOING WELL.
( LAUGHTER ) WE JUST DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS GOING
TO BE AS A SUPER-FAN.
AND YOU KNOW WHO HAD THE COURAGE TO AGREE WITH MELANIA'S
SPOKESPERSON?
THE PRESIDENT'S SPOKESPERSON: >> WHEN THE PRESIDENT GETS HIT,
HE'S GOING TO HIT BACK HARDER, WHICH IS WHAT HE DID HERE TODAY.
HE FIGHTS FIRE WITH FIRE.
>> STEPHEN: HE FIGHTS EVERYTHING WITH FIRE.
( LAUGHTER ) AND FIRST HE SOAKS THE COUNTRY
WITH GASOLINE.
( LAUGHTER ) AND HUCKABEE SANDERS EXPLAINED
THE PRESIDENT HAD A VERY GOOD REASON TO GO AFTER THOSE MEAN
MEANIES ON THE TV SCREEN.
>> THE THINGS THAT THIS SHOW HAS CALLED HIM, AND NOT JUST HIM,
BUT NUMEROUS MEMBERS OF HIS STAFF, INCLUDING MYSELF AND MANY
OTHERS, ARE VERY DEEPLY PERSONAL.
SO TO THEN TURN AND PRETEND LIKE, YOU KNOW, THIS APPROACH, I
GUESS, IT'S KIND OF LIKE WE'RE LIVING IN THE TWILIGHT ZONE.
>> STEPHEN: OOH, I LOVE THE "TWILIGHT ZONE!"
WHICH ONE IS HE AGAIN?
IS THIS THE ONE WHERE THE LITTLE BOY WITH NO MORALS HAS THE POWER
TO KILL?
BECAUSE IT'S DEFINITELY NOT THE ONE WHERE THE GUY JUST WANTS TO
BE ALONE READING BOOKS.
( LAUGHTER ) OH, OH --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SO SCARY.
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