Waching daily Jun 30 2017

WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."

I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.

NOW I'M GOING TO SAY -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

I'M GOING TO SAY SOMETHING I DIDN'T THINK WAS POSSIBLE

ANYMORE: I'M SHOCKED BY SOMETHING DONALD TRUMP SAID.

( LAUGHTER ) I THOUGHT, BY NOW, MY SOUL HAD

CALCIFIED INTO A CROUTON.

( LAUGHTER ) NOT TRUE BECAUSE

TODAY, THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES TWEETED, "I HEARD

POORLY RATED @MORNING JOE SPEAKS.

BADLY OF ME.

DON'T WATCH ANYMORE.

( LAUGHTER ) THEN, "HOW COME LOW I.Q.-CRAZY

MIKA, ALONG WITH PSYCHO JOE, CAME, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT,

TO MAR-A-LAGO THREE NIGHTS IN A ROW AROUND NEW YEAR'S EVE, AND

INSISTED ON JOINING ME.

SHE WAS BLEEDING BADLY FROM A FACE-LIFT.

I SAID NO!" ( AUDIENCE REACTS )

WHERE TO BEGIN?

( LAUGHTER ) IT'S A BUFFET OF (BLEEP).

( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

FIRST OF ALL -- A STEAM TABLE, AS IT WERE.

( LAUGHTER ) FIRST OF ALL, SOMEONE BLEEDING

BADLY AT YOUR DOOR, AND YOU SAY NO?

SOUNDS LIKE YOUR HEALTH CARE PLAN.

( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

( PIANO RIFF ) >> Jon: WHOA!

>> Stephen: I MEAN, TURNING THEM AWAY FROM YOUR HOTEL DURING

THE MIDDLE OF WINTER IS LITERALLY THE STORY OF

CHRISTMAS.

( LAUGHTER ) ONLY THERE WASN'T A WISE MAN IN

SIGHT.

THIS IS SHOCKING AND VICIOUS, SO... ON-BRAND!

( LAUGHTER ) AND THE REVIEWS ARE IN:

"VULGAR," "CRUDE," AND "A NEW LOW."

NO, IT'S THE SAME LOW.

( LAUGHTER ) WE'RE AT A CRUISING ALTITUDE OF

MARIANAS TRENCH.

( LAUGHTER ) THERE ARE GIANT SQUID LOOKING

DOWN AT US RIGHT NOW.

OF COURSE, MIKA RESPONDED WITH HER OWN TWEET: A PICTURE OF A

CHEERIOS BOX SAYING "MADE FOR LITTLE HANDS."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )

REALLY, MIKA?

MAKING FUN OF SIZE OF HIS HANDS?

I'M MORE WORRIED ABOUT THE SIZE OF HIS BRAIN.

( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, THIS IS SHOCKING TO

EVERYONE WHO ISN'T EMPLOYED BY DONALD TRUMP.

REPUBLICAN SENATOR BEN SASSE TWEETED, "PLEASE JUST STOP.

THIS ISN'T NORMAL."

AND LINDSAY GRAHAM TWEETED, "MR. PRESIDENT, YOUR TWEET WAS

BENEATH THE OFFICE AND REPRESENTS WHAT IS WRONG WITH

AMERICAN POLITICS."

HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, LINDSAY.

THIS IS NOT WHAT'S WRONG WITH AMERICAN POLITICS.

YOU DON'T SEE PAUL RYAN THROWING SHADE AT CHUCK SCHUMER FOR HIS

EYE JOB.

( LAUGHTER ) IT'S WHAT'S WRONG WITH AMERICAN

PRESIDENT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )

OKAY?

( APPLAUSE ) LET'S STOP PRETENDING TRUMP IS A

SYMPTOM OF SOMETHING.

HE'S THE DISEASE.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND THE ONLY CURE IS THREE AND A

HALF YEARS OF LIQUOR AND BED REST.

( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, THE FIRST LADY

DEFENDED HER HUSBAND VIA HER SPOKESPERSON: "AS THE FIRST LADY

HAS STATED PUBLICLY IN THE PAST, WHEN HER HUSBAND GETS ATTACKED,

HE WILL PUNCH BACK TEN TIMES HARDER."

YES, AS THE FIRST LADY SAYS, "WHEN THEY GO LOW, WE GO TEN

TIMES LOWER."

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

SO THE FOCUS ON CYBER-BULLYING IS GOING WELL.

( LAUGHTER ) WE JUST DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS GOING

TO BE AS A SUPER-FAN.

AND YOU KNOW WHO HAD THE COURAGE TO AGREE WITH MELANIA'S

SPOKESPERSON?

THE PRESIDENT'S SPOKESPERSON: >> WHEN THE PRESIDENT GETS HIT,

HE'S GOING TO HIT BACK HARDER, WHICH IS WHAT HE DID HERE TODAY.

HE FIGHTS FIRE WITH FIRE.

>> STEPHEN: HE FIGHTS EVERYTHING WITH FIRE.

( LAUGHTER ) AND FIRST HE SOAKS THE COUNTRY

WITH GASOLINE.

( LAUGHTER ) AND HUCKABEE SANDERS EXPLAINED

THE PRESIDENT HAD A VERY GOOD REASON TO GO AFTER THOSE MEAN

MEANIES ON THE TV SCREEN.

>> THE THINGS THAT THIS SHOW HAS CALLED HIM, AND NOT JUST HIM,

BUT NUMEROUS MEMBERS OF HIS STAFF, INCLUDING MYSELF AND MANY

OTHERS, ARE VERY DEEPLY PERSONAL.

SO TO THEN TURN AND PRETEND LIKE, YOU KNOW, THIS APPROACH, I

GUESS, IT'S KIND OF LIKE WE'RE LIVING IN THE TWILIGHT ZONE.

>> STEPHEN: OOH, I LOVE THE "TWILIGHT ZONE!"

WHICH ONE IS HE AGAIN?

IS THIS THE ONE WHERE THE LITTLE BOY WITH NO MORALS HAS THE POWER

TO KILL?

BECAUSE IT'S DEFINITELY NOT THE ONE WHERE THE GUY JUST WANTS TO

BE ALONE READING BOOKS.

( LAUGHTER ) OH, OH --

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SO SCARY.

For more infomation >> Stephen: 'This Is What's Wrong With The American President' - Duration: 5:31.

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What Is A 'Bona Fide Relationship,' Anyway? - Duration: 2:04.

EVERYONE HERE TONIGHT IN THE COUNTRY?

>> AUDIENCE: YES.

>> Stephen: GOOD, BECAUSE TRUMP'S TRAVEL BAN TOOK EFFECT

TONIGHT.

( AUDIENCE REACTS ) I UNDERSTAND.

BECAUSE THE SUPREME COURT OKAYED PARTIAL IMPLEMENTATION OF THE

BAN AND WILL REVISIT THE FULL BAN WHEN IT HEARS ORAL ARGUMENTS

IN OCTOBER.

WHICH WILL BE FOLLOWED BY ORAL ARGUMENTS WITH YOUR FAMILY AT

THANKSGIVING.

( LAUGHTER ) THE DECISION ALLOWS IN TRAVELERS

FROM THE SIX AFFECTED COUNTRIES IF THEY HAVE "A BONA FIDE

RELATIONSHIP WITH A PERSON OR ENTITY IN THE UNITED STATES."

YES, IT HAS TO BE A "BONA FIDE" RELATIONSHIP WITH A FOREIGNER,

SO THAT WILL EXCLUDE YOUR IMAGINARY CANADIAN GIRLFRIEND

AND THE TOTALLY HOT GUY YOU "MADE OUT WITH" IN FRANCE.

BUT A DIPLOMATIC CABLE OBTAINED BY THE "NEW YORK TIMES" SPELLED

OUT SOME BONA FIDE RELATIONSHIPS, INCLUDING "A

PARENT, INCLUDING PARENT-IN-LAW, SPOUSE, CHILD, ADULT SON OR

DAUGHTER, SON-IN-LAW, DAUGHTER-IN-LAW, SIBLING,

WHETHER WHOLE OR HALF.

THIS INCLUDES STEP RELATIONSHIPS."

NO SURPRISE SON-IN-LAWS ARE ALLOWED IN.

TRUMP IS SENDING HIS TO EVERY COUNTRY ON EARTH.

BUT THE CABLE ALSO DEFINED WHAT AREN'T BONA FIDE RELATIONSHIPS,

RULING OUT "AUNTS, UNCLES, NIECES, NEPHEWS, COUSINS,

BROTHERS-IN-LAWS AND SISTERS-IN-LAW, FIANCEÉS AND ANY

OTHER 'EXTENDED' FAMILY MEMBERS," EVEN "GRANDPARENTS."

( AUDIENCE REACTS ) OF COURSE, GRANDPARENTS ARE

EXTREMELY SUSPICIOUS.

WITH THEIR HEADSCARVES, AND THEIR NECK SCARVES, AND REALLY

JUST SCARVES ALL OVER-- THEY'RE ALWAYS COLD.xD

AND THEY'RE CONSTANTLY LAUNCHING CYBER ATTACKS, BY SENDING EMAILS

WITH SUBJECTS LIKE "FORWARD, FORWARD, FORWARD: 20 HILARIOUS

WAYS YOUR CAT IS BETTER THAN A HUSBAND."