Hi friends dr. Flavio here
there's a previous video to this on the relationship between parents and
Teenagers and perhaps we should watch that video before you watch this one
So in that video I explained that when a parent calls here
For to get an appointment for teenagers son or daughter
we typically don't see the child the adolescent we see the parent first and this has always been a
Source of question why do you do that? They're so unconventional?
My son my daughter after all is the one with the problem, so I've been doing this for 21 years
We have always done it this way we work with the parents. We have been able to help
countless teenagers
I mean, I'm talking hundreds and hundreds over the years in most cases without actually seeing the child
We just help the child through the parents, and it's the only place
I know of that does it this way here at this office and
but it does generate some questions and controversial comments and so forth you know so I
Appreciate the opportunity to explain to you in a different way
Why we do it. This way, but before we get there. I'd like to mention something to you the word
I haven't heard this word that much recently, but the word that traditionally was used to refer to
teenagers is
adolescent I don't know you know adolescent is the word and the
word
Adolescent the root of the word comes from Latin it comes from the word the doll SAT
Which which itself has the root douleur which means then?
Adolescence is a period in life when we hurt
And if you are a parent of Corti were not a lesson to yourself at one point
And I think you can remember how hurtful how painful it is to be an adolescent
And it is really sad when a parent calls here
Attempting to bring their son or daughter over here for me to fix it as though
It's some sort of product that broke down on warranty. You know here. Here's my son. He's a mess fixing
You know that time, but and I tell them look it's a little bit more
It's a little deeper than that we're gonna put our hearts into this because this is a human being who is going to grow up
and
He's going to remember how she or he is being treated. I'll
Give an example when I was in medical school. I was
In a nursing home doing a rotation at a nursing home. You know with the elderly and
There was this one gentleman there who was old of course everybody there was old but
He was very angry. He wouldn't talk to anybody make a long story short
You know he had one daughter
Who refused to speak to him now the nurses called the daughter the doctor the attending doctor called the daughter?
Everybody spoke to the daughter and begged her to come over and see the father who is essentially in everybody's awnings
Waiting to sort of talk to her make peace with her to be able to die in peace and she absolutely refused
To have anything to do with that man. That's how she referred to him
I never found out what happened between them, but it always called my attention. You know how?
How things can go so wrong between a parent and a child that they absolutely?
Refuse to have anything to do with their parent. I mean something
Must have happened that right
And you gotta remember as well that
We parent I mean natural law dictate right we age and natural law dictates that we end up becoming our
Children's child think about it. This way if you look at a very old person and
Barring an accident or major illness. You know we all become old
Right so when we become very old with decreasing size
Cognitive abilities decrease in other words we become more and more child like and eventually we need diaper changes in other words
It's like it comes full circle
so
Presumably our children will take care of us if we took care of them, right
When they were young and needed as the most so I want to
Encourage you to put your heart into this couple of videos don't take it lightly particularly if you're having trouble with your
With their teenagers pay attention to some of what's being said here
and
It doesn't really matter if you agree or disagree with everything I say or if you like it or dislike it the way I say
It it doesn't really matter because this video is not about me convincing you of anything
It's not about me getting you to like me frankly this video is about your teenager
You know because your teenager is getting hit basically from every angle
You know and then I'll show you what we're going to do here today
and you're going to see what I'm talking about and there really isn't a lot of advocacy for your teenager and
one of the reasons
I think why we do so well here with families is because I'm that boys
That advocates for the teenager, and I talk to the parents in some cases
They accuse me of being a bit too harsh, but I tell them look. This is a private confidential conversation
We have to talk to so I'm a parent as well go five children. You know I know I know it
It's like we gotta have this conversation
because being a parent isn't just about
Squeezing off a puppy and paying the bills you know so it's a little bit more than that
So with all of this in mind and heart I'd like to share with you. I actually took the time to write down
Throughout the course of one whole week every single phone call that I got
Regarding a teenager in other words a father or mother to be honest mostly mothers
Calling to make appointments for their sons, or daughters who are in the teenage years, right?
I actually rolled down as many of the questions as I could you know as we were talking and
What I want to do is this I want to
Play a little theatrical
Game here with you. I want to speak as though. I'm the parent calling. I want to speak as though
I'm the teenager in question
And I want to speak as though I am they I meet the therapist so there are three voices here, right?
I'm not going to be playing games with changing my voice
But I wanted to to hear what I'm saying so I'll give you an example
a parent will tell me and
I have a series of this right so a parent will tell me parent says
My teen is a mess
My team needs help I need an appointment for my team, right
That's what the parent says my teen is a mask I need an appointment for my teenager, right
the teenager comes over if I were to receive that teenager here as I have done on occasion and
The teenager says sure I got some issues. I got some problems of course. I got all kinds of problems
I got these homework things. I got these teachers who who have it against me. You know I got problems
But dude, this is exactly how they say sometimes, but dude you're gonna check out my parents. They're totally crazy sometimes
They use other words as well to begin with the letter F. You know they're totally crazy
There are nuts you should see they're always arguing fighting. They cannot get it together in other words the teenager is saying
Yeah, I got some issues, but you should see my parents, but you say the parent didn't call saying we got issues at home
let's begin with this because we're the parents and hopefully that should trickle down to the children right they say no my team is a
Mask fix him or her so then I say in a situation like this. I say look
I'm a parent as well. It is natural to seek therapy for your child when you believe there's a problem. It's perfectly natural
Your care and concern is laudable. I applaud you
It's awesome that you're concerned and you're willing to bring your son or daughter to therapy. I'm sure you love your teen a whole lot
But remember that in every relationship including
Parent-child it takes two to tango and
Children are by far a reflection of their parents in other words. No people say well
They're not very well educated and say well who educated them. You're the parent
Well, they don't have any manners. Well who taught them manners. You're the parent in other words again. I'm a parent and
This is not about a taking or or or or coming across as being mean
But we have to talk about these things right so let's go to another one
Parent says he has to go to therapy whether he wants to or not my house my rules
Another expression here is hey we practiced a golden rule in my house whoever has the gold rules
I hear this
Frequently right so my son
Or daughter is a mess they gotta go to therapy I pay the bills I bring him to therapy you fix him right
Teenager comes over and says to me, dude it doesn't matter
I'll sit here for an hour if I have to a
Couple times a week every day once a week once every two weeks. It doesn't matter you know
If that's what my parents want me to do. You know it's like the tension at school. It's like jail time for juveniles
You know don't come over here. They'll sit down and yeah and most of these kids are actually really interesting
That's why I don't do it, but if I were to do it. You would actually be awesome entertainment for me
They can teach me all kinds of tricks about how to get more views on YouTube because they typically know more than us
You know in other words
It's just not that when I'm getting anywhere with that kind of attitude right so then I say to the parent
Taking your team to an office for therapy
Involuntarily is analogous to taking a radio to a technician
for repairs
At best it is very demeaning to your son, or daughter. Just like the message
There is look you are messed up. I'm gonna take you somewhere to be repaired
Your team is not stupid, and he's seeing what's going around with you and at home, and he says that the problems are multifaceted
And he also sees that you're not doing much to fix your end of the spectrum and you want to fix or change
him or her so
By definition when you do it. This way you lose even more whatever
Shred the respect it had left from your team all right because you're not being a leader you're not being a parent all right, so
Next one oh
My team has asked for help, please give me the appointment he has asked for help
He asked me to make the appointment team comes over teenager comes over and says
Of course I said that I had to say that to get her off my back
You know she's been give me for six weeks that I have to go into therapy eventually said sure mom make the appointment
Mom interprets. Oh he's ready for help. He's asking for help
He doesn't think in this day help is not ready for anything. There's no you know
This is an illusion that you created in your head, so I say again
You know I kind of laugh at myself because I took some notes here, and I say how come you seem so eager to
Delegate part of the parenting load upon a paid
Therapists and others parents are eager to bring their kids here for me to fix them
You know it's almost as if you're throwing in the towel. I can't really be a parent
I'm not interested in learning or becoming better, so let me throw in the towel here
I pay you you fix my kid
you know what your kid needs is you and
Unasyn, you know your kid needs to see some changes from you some sort of leadership there
so
parent sense
my team
Clearly does have a problem the school counselor said so the teachers said soul it is real
He has a problem
Teenager comes over and says yeah, my mom and dad are also full of problems, and then I say I
Left a little bit
I mean if I were you listening to this I would be laughing - it's a little - a little too weird but
Listen I say to their parent
Okay, so the school counselor evaluated your son or daughter and said that he or she has a problem, okay?
Have you been professionally evaluated and found to be entirely free of problems and?
Furthermore have you been found to be a perfect parent in every regard
people listen to their question
And they laugh at me they go why why they don't even get the question what are you asking me?
It's like the question is so profoundly real and important to the most people don't even hear it
what what did I say I said, yeah, you're telling me that your son clearly has a problem because the school counselor said so and
Except that my question is have you been competently evaluated by a competent professional
And found to be entirely free of problems and furthermore have you been found to be a perfect parent?
It takes a few tries for the person to get the gist of the question and eventually I sell of course
Not I say exactly so why don't I start with you?
You see where I'm going with this all right so next one parent will say to me
But my teen is the one with the problem. Why should I go in I?
Say
if you cannot see
How you are a part in some way of what is happening?
Or if you are eager to conclude that the problem is
unilaterally on your teenager I
Can only imagine how the other relationships in your life?
Go let me ask you a question if we were talking about your personal relationship like a marriage or a work
Relationship or any other relationship with another adult. Do you think you could get away with this?
Unilateral thing only he has a problem or only she has a problem
Do you think you could get away with that with another adult?
Or do we take advantage of our children and saying only he has a problem?
in other words
The very fact that a parent will call me up and basically
Place all of the blame of the problem on the child
You know it's very rare that a parent will call up and say look. We got some problems at home
I realize I'm kind of a mess. I don't know what to do help me out find within myself
What I can do to improve the situation that's rare so when a parent says look my son has a problem
And I say do you know no I'm calling about my son. No. I heard you do you have a problem no
No, no, I don't have mom okay, or whatever. I can figure myself out the problem is my son here all right
So if you're not willing to look at yourself I can imagine how the rest of your relationships go and I can tell you without
The respect they're all a mess you know until we learn
Then it takes two to tango in other words the relationship is a reflection of you as well your children are
To a large extent not entirely, but to a large extent a reflection of you as well all right
So we have to address that side of the Rope as well
So
There's a reason
You see I made a note here. That says the following. There's a reason why you
The parent have the parents that you got you got your parents for a reason those two parents that you have are
Not an accident of the cosmic in other words your parents are perfect for you, and this is a subject for another video
But just as your parents were perfect for you
Your children are perfect for you as well. There's a lesson there
So we have to look at your children and in some way being part of a greater purpose
right is part of a greater purpose for your life, and you have to begin to look at your life differently and
Above all please remember that you are a teenager as well
so parent says
But if we both have a problem. Let's start with my teenager my child is the priority
Have you ever flown in a commercial airplane and?
They say that you know if the cabin pressure drops
You know there is a case recently in the news and then the masks the oxygen masks drop
And they say look if you're traveling with them an infant or a disabled person put the mask on you first
This is a principle of
Life you have to help yourself first to then be able to help other people so this business that yeah
We both have a problem. I get that but my priority is my teenager you know son or daughter
Let's start there that doesn't work either
Okay
And I say you're the parent you must lead by example
If you're not willing to change this business about the priority
We don't have money to address one of us all of this is an onyx this just excuses just
You know and your kid sees right through you in other words
You're just not willing to face up to certain issues and fix them so you prefer
To project your own pain onto your children whom you think are defenseless
we're going to grow up and look back at you, right we prefer to do it this way and
You know we said oh, no he's my priority fix him first, and I say no no no no let's talk you and I first
Because I want you to succeed as a parent
I don't want you to grow up and be their parent that I saw at the nursing home who couldn't even die because his daughter
Wouldn't talk to him
I want you to succeed as a parent and I'm going to help you lead by example
You are going to change and your son or daughter are going to be inspired by your leadership
you know so we're not gonna dodge the issue or avoid the changes that you know are long overdue and
Yes
In this denial which that's what this is denial
You are blaming the kid you know and that's how the kid is hearing it
And that's how I hear and that's how everybody else sees it
and
The worst thing I wrote down here is that your teenager sees right through you you're losing
Their respect and you know that that's why you're calling the office
So we're not gonna gain their respect Bank by doing more of what doesn't work with a let's start doing things, right?
Alright, so let's go to another one
How are you going to tell me how to parent my child?
That's a good question actually
You know I don't take offense with then if they say
Totally appreciate the question and the answer is I don't I don't know how to parent your child
I barely know how to parent my own children and I got fired but
That's not how this works
What I do is. I help you get in touch with the part of you that is real I
Help you relax and get in touch with the real part of you because that part of you does know
What needs to change in order for the?
Household to be better in order for your teens to be better
I have done this thousands of times thousands 21 years thousands of times proven track-record
This is not a theory or hypothesis. This is what we do for a living six days a week for years year in year out
it's
Absolutely just as I described it is you know deep inside of you what changes need to happen
And I'll just help you get there, and I help you implement those changes
So I'm not here to tell you how to parent your child
I'm here to help you. Do what ultimately you already know you should be doing, but haven't
Last one I think
So if you're telling me that I must come in are you saying that my child is perfect
Are you saying that my child has no problem the school counselor says he has a problem. You're saying he has no problem
I said dude. I don't even know your child. I'm not saying that at all unless quit playing games here
What i'm saying to you is you're the parent grow up take responsibility?
Fix what you know you have to fix and your son or daughter being spired by you
Because you're only in the problem. You're taking responsibility and you're leading by example
that's what I'm talking about and then well what if I make all those changes people ask me and
My son, or daughter still has a problem Wow it's possible of course and we can help him later
But it's so easy to help him later when he has already been led by the example by you
You see so the younger the child is they're less likely
That will be needed because they just learned by example so much
They soak it up from you so much, but sometimes in their late teens sometimes
We have to we have to clean up a couple of details with hypnosis if they want to if it's necessary
but it's very easy to do so because by then everything is so smooth already right they they've already seen you and
They're just bouncing off of your own success as a parent so that's easy, but you know I'm gonna close by telling you this
Those children you know I remember when my
young my oldest daughter
You know my first daughter was very very young a friend of mine knows what therapist told me once
I was very stressed out and there I totally get it you know
It's not easy the bills the children going to the school talking to the teacher all the stuff that goes on right there
I totally get that
And I was a little overwhelmed you know plus
we have the whole marital thing to take care of and all the other things going on in your life right so work and
Whatever, so I remember being a little overwhelmed and a friend of mine
I'm talking to a friend who's a therapist and she says listen when the children are young
The days are very long
But the ears are so short
and
that child has already become an adult gone after college that baby that I was telling you about and
They realized how short those ears are and how my take craves just
Holding her every now, and then but she's busy now. She has her own life right look up the song cat's in the cradle
Look up on YouTube. You know they grow up really fast
And then we're going to be creating being more with them
The time that you have with your teenagers the time the to have with your children is very precious
And I want to help you make the best of it
Develop a lasting relationship a loving bond between you and your children we have to start with you
So if this appeals to you give me a call
We'll talk more about this and we'll set you up on the right path been doing this for a long time
And I want you to have the same benefit. Thank you
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