Waching daily Apr 24 2018

I never actually thought that there was an ending to it all. I figured that I was

lost in infinity or stuck in the purgatory somewhere between heaven and

hell, wandering around aimlessly roaming in the pitch-black of nothingness. I had

found drugs and the descent began. My brother was a heroin addict or opiate

addict for about, almost two decades. His internal struggle that I got from his

journals was immense, so his journal was just a constant I

don't want to use I hate this, you know I don't want to be this person; and some

of his entries were about how, "I'm gonna get clean I'm gonna make something of my

life. I'm gonna you know be a better person."

He really described the core symptom of addiction which is the inability to

control the use of the substance and the behaviors that surround the use of a

substance. Those of us who don't have addiction can control the use of a

substance and we don't develop life problems secondary to it; people who do

have addiction first and foremost when they're exposed to it they aren't able

to stop using and they have the urge to go back again and again. It's a genuine

craving like the craving for food or the craving for water. It's almost a

biological urge. To me the whole town is right in front of my house pointing

their fingers at me and looking down on me. Although that is not how they feel

about me or maybe it is the way they feel about me, either way I think it is,

and so what I think my reality becomes. Many times addiction isn't perceived as

a disease but it's perceived as a moral problem or a social problem or things

like. It's a biological disease like any other

biological disease like diabetes like hypertension like heart disease, and we

really need to put the social stigma away from it and encourage people to

seek treatment. Yeah, they're just, they're people. They deserve

help and to, you know to have a decent life and to get over this. I

can't deny my enjoyment for the rush, but in retrospect it's just not frickin'

worth it. It's a pretty sad existence, but it's the inevitable ending of every

heroin addicts story; unless you wake up and get out while you can. For friends

and family members remember the person you knew before they became addicted

because that person is still there. They need treatment for their addiction, they

need support and they need help. Just those everyday things that you take for

granted, you know and I go home and just walk in the door and and hear his voice

and have come down and give me a hug. If I could do it all over again: I would

have been more understanding; I would have been more tolerant; I would have

done anything in the world to help him, but then you lose them; and then the

regrets, and the guilt and the loss.

Yeah, it changed my entire world, but it just made me more passionate about this

job. When I applied and I interviewed they asked me why I wanted to work the

counter drug; and I was honest when I told him that it was just a big passion

of mine to be a part of the fight against addiction and to get drugs off

the street.

What brings me than those pride in its job is I do really like the mission of

counter drug with combating narcotics. That's very close to my heart just

knowing that if you're taking away even the money

you're hurting that drug trafficking organization, and that's that's all I

want is just it not to be available to people to be able to use because I

don't want what happened to me and my family happening to anybody else.

There's a pedestrian at the Nogales border crossing on 08-06-2017.

Outside of the law enforcement realm we also do community events, and one big part of

the community events is ribbon month and we always go out to schools and do

different events; either at their lunchtime handing out ribbons, as simple

as that, or speaking at schools. The support from Counterdrug and my wing, it

just it made me feel so loved and that I had just had a second family.

He was the best big brother because he never treated me like you know, "Oh you're,

you're my little sister." He was just always accepting of me. That was just

such a moment in time that you don't think you'll hold so closely to until it's

gone. I want him to be remembered as that kind and sensitive- thoughtful person

that he was. The biggest message I would have and I

always harp on this, is just to not jump to conclusions with addiction. They're

mothers, they're fathers, they're sons or brothers. It literally affects anyone.