WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
WELL, THE BIG NEWS OUT OF WASHINGTON, D.C., JUST THIS
AFTERNOON, AS THE WHITE HOUSE FINALLY RELEASED TRUMP'S TAX
PLAN.
THAT PLAN?
NEVER RELEASE TRUMP'S TAXES.
( LAUGHTER ) ANYTHING?
HAS HE RELEASED THEM YET?
NO, NO.
SO FAR, ALL HE'S RELEASED IS HIS 1040 F-U.
TO EXPLAIN THE PLAN, TRUMP SENT OUT HIS TEAM OF WORKING CLASS,
BLUE COLLAR, FORMER GOLDMAN SACHS EXECUTIVES, GARY COHN AND
STEVE MNUCHIN.
>> WE ARE GOING TO CUT TAXES AND SIMPLIFY THE TAX CODE BY TAKING
THE CURRENT SEVEN TAX BRACKETS WE HAVE TODAY AND REDUCING
THEM TO ONLY THREE BRACKETS: A 10% BRACKET, A 25% BRACKET,
AND A 35% BRACKET >> Stephen: OH, YEAH, BABY,
FEWER BRACKETS.
IT'S REALLY GOING TO SIMPLIFY YOUR OFFICE POOL DURING TAX
MADNESS.
, OF COURSE, LOOK AT THE BRACTSES.
YOU CAN TELL.
IT'S POOR VERSUS MIDDLE CLASS, AND RICH VERSUS NOBODY, BECAUSE
THEY WIN.
NOW, THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION HAS A VERY STRONG RATIONALE FOR
SIMPLIFYING THE TAX CODE.
>> IN 1935, WE HAD A ONE-PAGE TAX FORM CONSISTING OF 34 LINES
WITH TWO PAGES OF INSTRUCTIONS.
TODAY, THE BASIC 1040 FORM HAS 79 LINES AND 211 PAGES OF
INSTRUCTIONS.
GLSK, 1935 WAS THE HEIGHT OF THE GREAT DEPRESSION,
SO THE TWO-PAGE FORM WAS JUST "PAGE ONE: DO YOU HAVE MONEY?
YES OR NO."
AND PAGE TWO WAS SO YOU WOULD HAVE SOMETHING TO EAT.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT TRUMP'S MADE THIS PLAN EVEN
SIMPLER BECAUSE IT'S JUST ONE PAGE OF DOUBLE-SPACED BULLET
POINTS WITH SOME HEFTY MARGINS.
I'M GOING TO SAY IT'S NOT REALLUCONFIDENCE BUILDING WHEN
REALLY CONFIDENCE BUILDING WHEN YOUR TAX REFORM PLAN IS HALF AS
LONG AS THE INSTRUCTIONS TO SET UP A VITAMIX.
HEY, YOU GUYS REMEMBER ABOUT TRUMP AND RUSSIA AND HOW MAYBE
THEY HAVE INCRIMINATING INFORMATION ON OUR PRESIDENT
AND ARE RUNNING HIM LIKE A FOREIGN AGENT AND HOW MEMBERS OF
HIS TEAM WERE CAUGHT ON TAPE BY THE F.B.I. TALKING TO KNOWN
RUSSIAN OPERATIVES AFTER PROMISING THEY'D NEVER MET THEM?
REMEMBER THAT?
( APPLAUSE ) WELL, THERE'S MORE.
THIS TIME, IT'S ABOUT FORMER NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR AND
BEFORE PICTURE IN A LAXATIVE AD, MICHAEL FLYNN.
THE PRESIDENT FIRED FLYNN BACK IN FEBRUARY BECAUSE FLYNN LIED
ABOUT DISCUSSING SANCTIONS WITH THE RUSSIAN AMBASSADOR BEFORE
TRUMP TOOK OFFICE.
TURNS OUT, THAT WAS JUST THE TIP OF THE CORRUPTION-BERG, BECAUSE
WE LEARNED YESTERDAY THAT FLYNN ALSO DIDN'T DISCLOSE THAT HE HAD
BEEN PAID MORE THAN $65,000 BY COMPANIES LINKED TO RUSSIA IN
2015, INCLUDING A $45,000 SPEAKING FEE FROM THE
KREMLIN-CONTROLLED TV NETWORK, RUSSIA TODAY.
AND I BELIEVE WE HAVE SOME FOOTAGE-- I KNOW, IT'S
UPSETTING, IT'S UPSETTING.
WE HAVE FOOTAGE OF FLYNN'S SPEECH.
♪ O-HO-HO-HO-HOOOO LA-LA-LA♪
THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE, SIR.
BUT IT'S NOT LIKE FLYNN WAS A DOUBLE AGENT WORKING FOR RUSSIA.
HE WAS A TRIPLE AGENT BECAUSE HE WAS ALSO WORKING FOR TURKEY,
WHICH PAID HIM MORE THAN $500,000.
LOOK, WHEN YOU'RE NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR, YOU'VE GOT TO
DISCLOSE FOREIGN PAYMENTS.
OTHERWISE, YOU END UP WITH A SITUATION LIKE THIS:
"GENERAL FLYNN, SHOULD WE BOMB TURKEY?"
"HOLD ON, SIR.
LET ME CHECK MY VENMO."
AND I'D HOLD OFF.
AND THE CHAIRMAN OF THE HOUSE OVERSIGHT COMMITTEE, JASON
CHAFFETZ, HAD WHAT I WOULD DESCRIBE AS A FLACCID
CONDEMNATION OF FLYNN'S ACTIONS.
>> FROM WHAT YOU'VE SEEN SO FAR, DO YOU BELIEVE THAT MICHAEL
FLYNN BROKE THE LAW?
>> PERSONALLY, I SEE NO INFORMATION OR NO DATA TO
SUPPORT THE NOTION THAT GENERAL FLYNN COMPLIED WITH THE LAW.
>> Stephen: I HAVE SEEN NO INFORMATION OR DATA TO CONFIRM
THAT FLYNN COMFLIED WITH THE LAW.
THERE IT IS.
YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING STRONGER THAN THAT, "DARLING, I HAVE DONE
THE RESEARCH, AND I SEE NO EVIDENCE THAT I'M NOT IN LOVE
WITH YOU.
THEREFORE, THE ONLY POSSIBLE CONCLUSION I CAN REACH IS WILL
YOU MARRY ME?" ( LAUGHTER )
THEN CHAFFETZ BURROWED OVER TO GRETA VAN SUSTREN'S NEW MSNBC
SHOW TO CLARIFY.
>> ALL RIGHT, TO SHORTHAND THIS, WOULD YOU SAY AFTER WHAT YOU
REVIEWED TODAY THAT GENERAL FLYNN IS IN A HEAP OF TROUBLE?
>> YES, YES.
CLEARLY, UHM, YOU CAN'T DO THIS.
>> Stephen: YES, YOU CAN'T DO THIS!
AS GEORGE WASHINGTON SAID TO BENEDICT ARNOLD, "NO FAIRSIES,
BENNY!
YOU PROMISED TO BE ON OUR SIDE.
KNOCK IT OFF!" SERIOUSLY!
JASON CHAFFETZ, PLEASE, JUST GROW A PAIR AND TELL US WHAT
FLYNN DID.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU GUTLESS CHARLES SCHULZ ROUGH
DRAFT.
QUICK ASIDE, QUICK ASIDE.
CONGRATULATIONS TO GRETA ON HER NEW, SHOW "FOR THE RECORD."
IF YOU REMEMBER, FOR YEARS, HER OLD SHOW ON FOX NEWS WAS
CALLED "ON THE RECORD."
BECAUSE "FOR" THE RECORD, SHE NO LONGER BELIEVES ANYTHING SHE
SAID THAT WAS "ON" THE RECORD.
I LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING HER FUTURE CNN SHOW, "PLEASE ERASE
THE RECORD."
AS A POLITICAL OUTSIDER, IT'S TAKING DONALD TRUMP A LITTLE
WHILE TO GET A HANDLE ON HOW STUFF WORKS IN THE NATION'S
CAPITAL.
BUT THERE'S ONE PIECE OF WHITE HOUSE PROTOCOL THAT TRUMP HAS
MASTERED, BECAUSE ACCORDING TO THE ASSOCIATED PRESS, WITH THE
PUSH OF A RED BUTTON PLACED ON THE RESOLUTE DESK...
OH, GOD!
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN HE PUSHES THE BUTTON?
A WHITE HOUSE BUTLER ARRIVES WITH A COKE FOR THE PRESIDENT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK GOD.
I WAS WORRIED THERE.
HE'S JUST TURNING THE OVAL OFFICE INTO AN 8-YEAR-OLD'S
DRAWING OF A DREAM TREEHOUSE.
"THERE'D BE A BUTTON WHERE I GET COKE WHEREVER I WANT, AND A
SLIDE INTO A BALL PIT, AND BIGFOOT SLEEPS OVER AND HE
TEACHES ME KARATE."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S NICE.
GOOD FOR HIM.
GOOD FOR HIM.
HE SHOULD HAVE SOME FUN.
THE PRESIDENT DESERVES TO BE REFRESHED.
THE PAUSE THAT REFRESHES-- A BUTLER BRINGING HIM HIS COKE--
REALLY LIVING THE DREAM.
I BELIEVE WE HAVE A PICTURE OF THE BUTLER.
THERE YOU GO.
YEAH, YEAH.
HERE'S SOME GOOD NEWS.
ON SUNDAY, WE GOT SOME UNLIKELY ALLIES IN THE WAR ON TERROR
WHEN THREE ISIS FIGHTERS WERE KILLED BY WILD BOARS.
THAT IS BOTH SHOCKING AND NOT HALAL.
( LAUGHTER ) AND KIND OF NOT FAIR.
( APPLAUSE ) THEY'RE WILD PIGS.
THEY CAN'T EAT THEM BACK.
IT'S NOT FAIR.
OF COURSE, IT'S NOT THE FIRST TIME ANIMALS HAVE HELPED IN THE
WAR ON TERROR.
AFTER ALL, OSAMA BIN LADEN WAS TAKEN OUT BY SEAL TEAM SIX.
HUGE NEWS IN THE WORLD OF SPORT.
YOU KNOW I LOVE SPORT, JON.
I TALK ABOUT SPORT ALL THE TIME.
>> Jon: ALL THE TIME.
>> Stephen: IT LOOKS LIKE BASEBALL'S MIAMI
MARLINS ARE GOING TO BE SOLD TO A GROUP LED BY DEREK JETER AND
JEB BUSH.
OR AS THEY'RE KNOWN BY THEIR CELEBRITY COUPLE NAME: "DEREK
JETER."
( APPLAUSE ) FITS.
FITS.
WORKS.
BASEBALL APPARENTLY VERY POPULAR WITH REPUBLICAN DYNASTIES
BECAUSE-- THIS IS TRUE-- LOOK WHO JUST GOT EDGED OUT FROM
BUYING THE TEAM-- TAGG ROMNEY.
I THINK-- THIS ISN'T FAIR.
I THINK A GUY NAME TAGG SHOULD REALLY OWN A BASEBALL TEAM.
THE SAME WAY THE KNICKS SHOULD BE OWNED BY BILLIONAIRE.
DUNK HOOPERSON.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
AMERICA FERRARA IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, I'VE GOT A SPECIAL MESSAGE...
FROM JESUS.
STICK AROUND.
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