Hey, everybody. It's your life coach Alyssa hammond here and today
I want to talk to you about the ground rules of fighting. this topic
It just seemed like the universe was calling me to do it because I had four clients
Call me in 24 hours saying that they got a huge fight with their significant other because of a lack of communication
So I ended up telling pretty much the same thing to all four of them
so I just thought I'd go through some of the ground rules for when you're arguing with your significant other or really if
You want to argue with anybody in a respectful way number one speak from your feelings and not?
Making accusations of what the other person has done to you, so by that I mean
It's so much more effective to say when you say things like that it feels
Mean-spirited or it hurts my feelings. It makes me feel unlovable
It makes me feel not valued you know whatever
Whatever you guys are fighting about that's so much stronger as far as evoke an emotion from your partner and getting your point across
then
Saying anything along the lines of you do this and that which makes me act this way instead of making it about
What they've done wrong,
Make it about
How you've been feeling and what you think the solution is to how you've been feeling one of the things
I always say is actually let's make this number to ask yourself is what I'm saying right now
benefiting the conversation, so
For example one of my clients was saying that she said something and and he responded with well now
I finally agree with you for once. So that stung her obviously and it didn't get them any closer to resolution
So even though he may look at it as somewhat innocent because he you know you could almost argue
"I was saying I agree with them"
But you're actually making a dig and if you truly ask yourself if you're getting any closer to resolution
You could probably argue you're taking a step back because now that person is thinking
"okay, so
you know they're obviously not over it or they want to keep fighting or
They're trying to make me feel like shit." None of those are good ways to be making the other person feel
So focus on is what I'm saying headed toward resolution
Or is what I'm saying digging up old battles have nothing to do with this is what I'm saying
Dignifying me mistreating my partner when I know I shouldn't have been acting that way
Number three listen to their feelings and respond don't just wait for them to be quiet
So you can speak we all do this okay?
This was hard for me to unlearn because we all fight like this we wait for the person to shut up so that we can
Get our point across
We're not actually really listening to what they're saying so here's something
I learned in my college psychology class that totally changed the way. I'll be fighting forever
They said when you're fighting with someone
The worst thing you can do is roll your eyes because that shows contempt just if you do eye rolls
Just stop
It's not doing anybody any good
The other thing they said is we have this urge to speak over each other because the most important thing in a fight is to
Feel understood what we do is
We don't actually listen to what the other person is struggling with until we end up having these fights over and over because you get
To the end of the fight and a lot of times you know closer to really understanding what the issue was?
so what they said in a
Psychology class is that the best way to fight is that each person gets to take a turn to say whatever they need to say?
So like let's say person A is talking person B
Has to sit and wait until person a is done talking and you can say are you done yet?
Which at first when I heard I was like that would piss me off if someone said that to me
But you're saying are you finished talking yet?
And then you can respond and if the person isn't finished then that's their chance to say no I've got more to say and then
They get it out one of the things that is very hard for a lot of people to drop is
They want to get a thought out while they have it
You know like you're super deep into a fight
And you want that other person so deeply to understand where you're coming from?
That they'll say something it flips this little switch, and you have this memory in your head
Oh, I should bring that up, so then you're waiting for them to finish that you can insert what you're saying, but again
you're not listening to them and
In psych class that we said to our professor
I think a lot of people talk over someone because they want to make sure that they don't forget and
The professor said if you forget was it that important though?
That blew my mind
Because yeah, I mean, it's just a totally different way of fighting
It's a way where someone feels completely hurt with that way of fighting you cut chances of offending someone?
Probably in half just by waiting for them to finish talking and not rolling her eyes
so those are two little like
Side bonuses that weren't even on my list of the top ten ground rules for fighting so I guess you're getting pulse so number four
Is don't make assumptions about who the other person is or is not?
Nolie's here! You want to come get on my lap? Oh god you're so heavy
Okay
Okay, so yeah
Don't make assumptions about who the person is or is not so by that I mean we all get into fights
especially if we've been together for a long time and
assume the way that the other person is Gonna react or
we're like I know he's gonna freak out if I talk to him about this you act totally differently because
You're thinking that they're gonna get upset or let's see you hide something cuz you think they're Gonna be upset
They're gonna be upset because you're expecting and of them, and you're treating them differently
so
Nolie's bored of this topic So she's gonna just lay down
Let's tilt it so she can be part of the action okay Nolie's back, so....
sorry, I just had to have a quick three-minute makeout session with my dog everyone kisses their dog like
300 plus times a day right is that not normal?
Well, it's not gonna stop me cuz we're in love and I don't let her lick inside my mouth if that helps
so if you make assumptions that you can't say something to someone because they won't care or
They're not willing to listen you're making that decision for them
And you're not even giving them the chance to prove you wrong
So if you make that assumption that they're not gonna listen to you, you're causing yourself unnecessary hurt. You're just like assuming
It's Gonna be awful
So you make it something you can't even approach and how awful is that to be dealing with that forever?
In other news this is really great lighting to see how pretty Nolie's brindle coloring is. Nolie's gonna nap for a bit
She's exhausted from all this conversation
Yeah, so if you make assumptions that they are or are not able to make changes
It causes this whole new fight when you could have been done like get done your first one for easter
That should be another tip we can call that 4.5
number five was my mom's favorite quote when I was growing up it is you can say
anything as long as it's from a place of love so the reason that she says that is because
She thinks part of loving someone is
Being truthful with them and saying thanks to them even if maybe if I'm not ready to hear it
if you say all things with love
Then the person you're fighting with knows that you have the best intention during these fights, and that will immediately help them bring down any
Guards that they have up when you can always take what you're saying and handle it gently
They'll just naturally come out better than if your goal is to win. I don't even know why I said ten tips
I mean, this is like 15
Listen I'm sorry my dogs here, but I'm a working mom and she's my baby. What do you want me to do? Number six never mentioned divorce or breakup
During the fight this is for two reasons one of them
Is that most people when they're saying they want a divorce or they want to break up?
It's because they're trying to get a rise out of the person that they're talking to so
You may get a rise out of them, but you're gonna regret it
And you're gonna pay for it later because they're never gonna be secure in your relationship anymore
Because now they know that for you breaking up is on the table and communicating from a place of love
Which is rule number five means you're not threatening them to try and get them to make changes the second part of why?
Someone would mention divorce or breakup during a fight is that they're serious about it
So if you do feel like you want to end their relationship
Then that's actually not something. I think should be done during a but you're fighting and
Let's say you guys decide to get a divorce and if you have kids
Or you live together you have pets you still have to get through all of this
Crap you need to try and get through the fight and then when you're in a clearer state of mind
That's when you make that decision because if you try and end a relationship as a result of a fight
You're just going to both end up hurt and both end up without closure my argument in all this is that you need
To find resolution on this on this topic no matter what make that a priority over deciding if you're gonna break up or stay together
Number seven is something I feel like well in every video
It's the tube of toothpaste theory we too can't talk when you squeeze
Toothpaste out of the Tube. It's very hard to put it back
It's the same way with words if you say something very hurtful
They're gonna remember that and definitely don't write it out be a text or Via email
Because things can easily be misconstrued in fact if you haven't seen my video on the do's and don'ts of texting and relationship
I'll link that here so that you can watch it because that's another one
That's gonna be important as far as communication techniques
go
So in summary of number seven don't say anything that you can't take back because words sting and they will stick with people
Especially if it's someone who was feeling even mildly self-conscious about their role in their relationship number eight is don't make threats
So it's kind of like number six in that don't mention divorce or breakup
But number six is more about getting a rise out of that person on things you don't actually mean number
eight with making threats threats aren't gonna get anybody anywhere and
There is a difference between saying this is something that needs to change or else. I need to reconsider being in this relationship
Versus grow the hell up or I'm kicking your ass out on the street pretty similar message
But totally different delivery so again
It goes back to ole delivering things from a place of love and just trying to prioritize
Finding resolution to the issue over being right number nine
Don't meet negativity with negativity, so I make my clients say to me
I will not stoop to the other person's level and the reason I say that is because
It's a it's kind of empowering to say to yourself. No matter what that person is feeling
I'm gonna meet what they say with compassion and empathy number ten is
explore feelings with curiosity
so by that, I mean let's say the other person has a very negative reaction to something you're saying that's
Truthful and from the heart it can be really really powerful to say what do you think is causing you to feel this
strong of a reaction to what I said? And it almost forces people to come down on their defensiveness because
Instead of just spewing their story and trying to get their point across. They're actually saying why
Am I have this upset about this topic? It's not even that big of a deal
So those are the top ten tips I know that was actually like 12 or 13
But I wanted to make sure that you had the ground rules there because all couples need to argue
it's just reality it's not just about having the perfect person it's about both making a commitment to
Truly understand the other person and putting that above being right, so let's make that the final one
number Eleven don't make it about being right make it about binding resolution over all else and if you
Just try to speak Openly from a place of love you're not trying to hide anything
You try to understand where the other person is coming from you meet their emotions with curiosity and kindness and empathy
You're careful with the words that you use you don't make threats you will have a much more successful
Argument, because again they need to happen if you just if you have these ground rules you can find resolution a lot more quickly
So whoever the first person to comment on this that they use these techniques, and it worked
I'm Gonna be so excited
So is Nolie. Because I really want to see
If they if they help the general public because they've helped a lot of my clients
So let me know and if there's any other topics you want me to cover. Shoot me an email
I'll leave my information below or leave comments here
I'd love to see if you have any other ground rules and if you like this video as always hit the like button below
Comment and definitely subscribe because I'll be coming out with a new video every week on living your best life. Thanks guys
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