HMS Queen Elizabeth is a masterpiece which is totally flawed
THE launch of a new Navy flagship is supposed to make the country go all gooey with pride. We're supposed to clutch our hands to our chests while humming I Vow To Thee My Country.
A magnificent ship but is there really a point to it?. And then we are supposed to sleep soundly in our beds, knowing that our borders are safe.
While on a tour of the Navy's spanking new carrier HMS Queen Elizabeth, an eagle-eyed journalist noticed that it is fitted with the exact same software that was hit by a massive cyber-attack a couple of weeks ago.
Now everyone is running about, waving their arms in the air saying that baddies will be able to hack the ship's mainframe and order it to attack itself or drive up the Thames and explode outside the Houses of Parliament.
Well, I don't know about you, but I think it has bigger problems than that. Such as: It's designed to house 36 fast jets. None of which has yet been built.
No jets will be available to the warship for another three years. Apparently, three of the Anglo American F-35s will be delivered to the Navy in 2020, then six more the following year.
Quite what the crew is supposed to do to defend itself in the meantime is unclear. Use rude gestures, perhaps?.
Make no mistake, I love that ship. I love the way it was built using the exact same modular construction that cheap hotels use to make their bathrooms.
The HMS Queen Elizabeth is the first of two big warships being built. This kept costs way down and that means there was enough left over for a sister ship, HMS Prince of Wales, which is due to be launched in 2020.
Also with no planes. My biggest worry, though, is that both these enormous vessels — they're as long as three football pitches — are operated by the Ministry of Defence.
And the one thing an aircraft carrier cannot do is defend. It is built to attack.
Set up for attack… but do we really need to nowadays?. It is designed to take our air power to parts of the world it would not ordinarily be able to reach.
It's designed to put the fear of God and a bag full of bombs into the hearts of people who think they're out of range.
Which means that our top brass really does believe that in ten or 20 years' time, Britain will still be roaming round the world trying to bring democracy and cups of tea to a load of people who, as we've seen in recent times, don't really want it.
AFTER dangerous gases used in aerosol sprays and fridges were banned, everyone expected the hole in the ozone layer to heal very quickly. But that is not happening. And now scientists have worked out why.
The process used to make decaffeinated coffee emits another sort of gas – if I wrote its name down it would fill up the rest of the newspaper – and it's not good for our ozone protection barrier either.
Sausage rolls… Are they the only way to save the planet?.
Which fills my heart with hope that soon it'll be discovered that other leftie food and drink stuff – brown rice, rocket, veggie burgers and so on – are damaging the environment as well.
And that to save the human race from extinction, everyone must eat Pork Farms sausage rolls, dipped in HP Sauce.
Its civil unrest in France. CIVIL servants in the French city of Marseilles were very cross this week when they were politely asked if they wouldn't mind turning up for work.
Years of militant trade unionism has meant that in recent years, council employees have enjoyed a pretty relaxed working week. Fire crews protesting in Lille, France this week.
Refuse collectors, for instance, were allowed to go home when they felt they had done enough. This led to an average working day of three hours and 30 minutes.
Meanwhile, 50 of the city's 80 emergency social workers have been working between ten and 12 days a month. And that's before we get to the average number of sick days, which has been running at 37 a year.
Needless to say, demands that they do a fair day's work for a fair day's pay have not gone down well.
A message for Macron… Civil unrest in France led by the unions. They held a meeting. There was a show of hands. And they all walked out on strike.
Since then, no work was being done at all. Not that anyone noticed the difference. When we go to France, we are supposed to put our watches forward an hour. But really, we should put them back 45 years.
WE are always being told that the lesbians we see on the internet in their stockings and not much else are just "actors". Real lesbians, people say, wear dungarees, have Birkenstocks and plaited armpit hair.
Really?. I only ask because all week we've been reading about an alleged affair between a warder and an inmate at Send Prison in Surrey.
And both parties look exactly like the lesbians you see online. Prison officer Faron Selvage is alleged affair to have had an affair with inmate Sydnee Offord.
Searching for point behind fine. SO, Google has been putting adverts for its own services at the top of its web pages.
And somehow, this is against the law. In fact, it's so against the law that this week, the European Commission hit the American tech giant with a fine of £2. 1billion.
Has Google been unfairly fined?. Well, I'm sorry but if it's illegal for Google to prominently advertise itself on its own website, how is Marks & Spencer allowed to sell its own clothes inside its stores?.
Why isn't it forced to sell Asda trousers as well?. And why doesn't the man in my corner shop point out that milk is cheaper at Tesco?.
Google has even been clobbered for not featuring other search engines on the site. But why should it?. The owners of these little search engines say they are unable to compete. To which I say: "Diddums.
Keep F1 fast and furious. DURING last weekend's Formula 1 race in somewhere called Baku – nope, me neither – Ferrari's Sebastian Vettel, deliberately rammed into the side of Lewis Hamilton's Mercedes.
And now everyone is gnashing their teeth and saying he has brought the sport into disrepute. Vettel rammed rival Lewis Hamilton.
And encouraged road rage among impressionable youngsters. They want him sent to the naughty step and banned and fined and made to do lines. Pah. This is exactly what the sport needs. Some genuine hotheads displaying some genuine human emotion.
Sebastian Vettels actions are part of the spectacle and complaints should stop. When they are on the car-to-pit radio, most of the drivers sound like they're playing a computer game after a nice Sunday lunch.
And that's boring for the viewers. We don't want robots. And that's why old Seb gets my support for the rest of the season. Unless of course, in the next race, Lewis rams him back.
My special Bond with Michael. Author of Paddington, Michael Bond passed away this week.
MICHAEL BOND, the author of all those wonderful Paddington Bear stories, died this week. I first met him in 1971, when my mother, started making the Paddington Bear soft toy.
Shirley Clarkson made the Paddington bear toys.
… and Jeremy became a big fan. He became a good family friend.
He was the kindest and most gentle of men and had such a dry sense of humour that he was one of the few grown-ups I used to like having in the house. He made me laugh a lot.
I shall miss him.
RATHER than re-house everyone in a tower block that's now known to be a fire risk, would it not be more convenient for the residents, and a damn sight cheaper, to employ full-time fire marshals who can patrol the corridors, ready to tackle any blaze before it gets out of hand?.
Residents leave Camdens Chalcots Estate following fears over the cladding used on London tower blocks.
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