How did one give themselves
permission to take care of themselves
I'm giving everybody a thousand percent
permission if you're a caregiver you
must must must take care of yourself it
is not selfish it don't have any guilt
in it because my guess is you weren't
taking that good care of yourself before
you got to this point
one of the things that I know is important to you and I
certainly gone through it and it's a
theme in many people's lives right now
is is being a caregiver to
either our parents or a loved one you
know we're at that age where stuff
starts to happen and certainly or most
of our parents are in the 70s 80s or 90s
and it's unavoidable how do we, you
know what kind of words of wisdom can
you offer and explain this dynamic
because I've gone through this
personally myself as well and helped so
many people through this as well there's
two sides of it of course there's the
caregiver and then there's whoever the
patient is and what a lot of people
don't understand that when the illness
hits or the medical condition whatever
it is that's enough for two people to
have to go through but what happens is
there's been a relationship long before
the illness hits, the medical condition
hits so here's two people one's a
caregiver one's a patient and there's
baggage that comes long before the
illness hits, long before the
caregiver becomes a caregiver long
before the patient becomes a patient so
there's emotions that have been in each
person's body that maybe haven't been
addressed most the time it hasn't been
addressed or maybe it was just addressed
and they're just getting ready to start
a new phase and then a condition hits so
so many people don't realize that it's
not just about the illness that hits
it's about what came along before that
illness well and I think what we're maybe
we should clarify, when we
talk about caregivers we talk about us
being the caregiver not necessarily the
profession of caregiving yes yeah
although that's difficult in itself but
when you're taking here yeah like you
said of somebody
that you have relationships with and
you you may be very resentful of being
in that, absolutely and you know what I
teach caregivers all the time is first
of all caregivers are not good at taking
care of himself because they're taking
care of the finances maybe they're
working maybe they have kids to take
care of they're running the house
they're taking this their patients their
loved one to medical appointments
they're doing medical research whatever
it might be so they have so much on the
plate, but what I always tell them is this we
you don't have to take to make a medical
appointment for the loved one you're
taking care of you make sure that that
loved one gets what they need whether
it's you have they have to eat a
different way go to multiple doctors
appointments you make sure they're okay
it is the same thing that has to happen
for yourself so when you have your
iphone and you're putting appointments
in for the person you're taken care of
you must must must put a time down of
what you're going to do, create what I
call a healing team whether you need a
therapist a chiropractor yoga taking a
bath whatever it is because if you don't
put it down when you're a caregiver
you're not going to do it and then
resentment builds from that, another
thing that always happens when someone's
a caregiver depending on how long
they're taking care of someone their
body is taking in once again everything
that's going on and the body will take
in the stress and what I see over and
over again is that you can if you take
really good care of yourself as a
caregiver your body is still going to be
hit with something that happens after
the caregiving situation is done and so
for those of you who are not taking care
of yourself while your caregiver it's
going to be a thousand times worse for
you after the situation's done, that
happened in my family that, now that you say
that it just was became crystal clear my
grandmother had Alzheimer's and my aunt
was the caregiver and she died of breast
cancer shortly after my grandmother
passed when she was finally free of the
burden, and it was a burden, it's a burden, and she
carried the burden in her heart which
your heart center you know that's where
your breasts are, so it's very very good
yes it's very very important you have to
take care of yourself physically
mentally emotionally nutritionally and
spiritually whatever spiritually or
religiously whatever that means to you
you have to do that another thing that I
want to point out is again the
caregiving situation is bigger than this
lifetime let's just say again that we're
in the car giving situation and you're
the patient and I'm your caregiver so
you're my loved one and I'm your left
one so what am I supposed to be learning
in this situation and when I speak to
caregivers about that they're there like
what do you mean one of my supposed to
be learning I'm taking care of this
person I'm like oh it runs so much
deeper run so much deeper so what you as
the patient are going through, look
underneath the medical stuff look
underneath it all and figure out what
are the lessons that maybe you didn't
pay attention to earlier on in your life
what are you actually learning through
this and maybe you're not supposed to
get better, maybe your lesson is how do I
transition to death and how do I teach
people around me about death, and for me
as a caregiver what am I supposed to be
learning individually that maybe my theme
still still follows me that I didn't get,
okay, such as? well that's
different for everybody, that's true,
that can be whatever it might be maybe
it could be somebody learning to take
care of themselves set boundaries, cause a lot
of time caregivers don't set boundaries,
so you're forced, because you feel guilty, yes you're
forced to learn how to set a boundary
and so you're learning something
individually as a patient I'm learning
something individual as a caregiver and
then what are we learning together in
this relationship as a couple or if
you're my child and or if you're my
parent or if you're my significant other
we're learning something together as
well too it's a bigger bigger picture
when we get stuck in the minutia of just
what this is we lose the gift in it we
lose the messages in it and it can bring
us down a lot more when you look at it
from the spiritual bigger perspective
it's so much more and it helps to get
through it more, one of the issues also
when as you're giving here is you the
person feels smothered or that loss of
independence, do you have some advice on
what what a caregiver can do
to lessen that feeling, yeah first of all
as a caregiver,
you have to remember don't do everything
for them you know there's a fine line of
wanting to do everything and enabling
and again you go back to the person okay
here's a new day what things would you
like to do today that you know you can
do today, and you have to have some real
you know authentic talks about it and
they may or may not know so as a
caregiver you have to pay attention to
what you can see that they can do if
they can pick out certain food okay it's
kind of like working with a child some
time where you have to say okay here's a
selection of food what works for you
today what do you want to wear today
would you like to go on a walk where do
you want to go on a walk you tell me how
far you can go today what do you need
it's asking questions so they still feel
like they are volatile and they have
still have something you know with their
brain that they can bring to the table
and even if like I said they can tell
you in this moment but two moments later
that's different you have to learn
patience and maybe just maybe that's
part of your theme in this lifetime is
learning patience and this patient is
teaching you what patience is all about
well thanks for making sense of that for
us as well, sure I hope it helped, it does ...
we're really focused on being in the moment of that caregiving
situation one of the hard things
is is actually and I know I went to this
with my father and my mother is getting
them to the point of where they admit
that they need care that they can't live
by themselves anymore and that becomes
obviously a big burden on family
and loved ones what kind of advice do
you have to offer in that respect?
sometimes you have to spend a lot of
time having conversations over and over
and over again about what's going on and
they may get really angry so there's
pointed questions that you can ask is
what's the scariest part of this for you
as I talk to you about the possibility
that you need some care and that's a
very loving way of you know saying it
and that opens the door and if they
don't want to talk about it right then
you know you can say I just need you to
think
about this, because here are some of the
behaviors that I'm seeing and the
symptoms that you know that I'm seeing
and maybe there's others around that you
bring into the room to help have a
intervention, but start with one
because you don't want to overpower them
there also is another situation that
occurs that actually occurred me as well
which can occur with someone who's alot
older with my husband because there was
brain issues going on and got he
couldn't remember things so I would say
things 20 times over and over and over
again and he would be upset with me
because I was caregiving for him and
he'd be like I can do this and I had to
be really honest, and you and you
can do this with older parents too so
whether it was my husband or older
parents to say this situation is not
just about you you have to realize that
the way you respond and what you're
doing is affecting me as well so it's
not just about you being sick being
angry but when you do XY and z or don't
do XYZ this is how it's affecting me and
I know that you love me and I love you
so how do we resolve how do we figure
this out together? That's a really good
point positioning it in a way where
you're asking them for help by allowing
you to help them, yes, they put you put
them into an active role versus a
passive role, and they might have a
conversation with you in this minute and
two hours later it's the same thing
again and you get really good at saying
same thing all over again because there
might be a time that it clicks and then
you can make changes in movement with
that you, know I thought of something but
I just wanted to say and it might be
very silly but it helped me when things
got so difficult for me I used to get in
my car and it didn't matter if it was
in the dead cold of winter because at
that time we were living in Washington
DC and I would get in my car I would put my
top down and if it was freezing out I
put my hat on like gloves my seat
warmers and I would drive out to the
water and I would put on certain music
and I would scream out loud and then I
would talk to nature and then I would
talk to my helpers my guides and angels
let you know listen to the music and
then when I was ready I'd get back into
my car and I drive back home
say okay I can do this again for another
day so you find different unique ways,
bathtub was also a big place for me I
put myself in a bathtub that was a
healing place, so find and do healing
things for yourself no matter how
ridiculous that it is that's really
important, just one big scream, I had
multiples but it was good because I
didn't want to bring that energy to my
husband but I was also very honest with
my husband so and that helped him too so
we were honest with each other no matter
how uncomfortable that it was yeah ...
how does one give themselves permission
to take care of themselves I'm giving
everybody a thousand percent permission
if you are a caregiver you must must
must take care of yourself it is not
selfish it don't have any guilt in it
because my guess is you weren't taking
that good care of yourself before you
got to this point so maybe now you have
to learn how to take care of yourself
but it's a thousand percent you have to
take care of yourself and I know this is
a silly adage but most of us fly on
planes what do they say before you put
your mask on somebody else you got to
put it on yourself, it's the same thing.
yeah that's a great example,
and and you have a life still and that's
the other thing you need to kind of step
out of life while you're a caregiver, how do you
how you handle that, this is what I've
seen your life is shortened a little bit
more now your life is going to look a
little different now because you're not
going to be able to go out and do all
the things that you did before so you
have to find a way to kind of embrace
okay what am I going to do with this
life right now how am I going to do this
how is my life going to look and this
causes a lot of grief it causes a lot of
pain because if it goes on for years
there's resentment there's anger, feel it
it's okay to feel the resentment it's
okay to feel the anger and another
thing that I tell caregivers to do,
caregivers are always afraid to have the
real conversations with their patient
with their loved one, you have to have
the real conversation it's okay to be
able to say I just have so much anger
about this right now
and it's not you but I need to tell you
this because I don't want it to get in
the way of us and the patient might say
I've got a shitload of anger too because
of what I'm going through this is an
opportunity to be real about what's
going on because it makes the intimacy
between the two of you more authentic
and it helps you to get through it
better, well that in and of itself is a
healing process always always, is there
anything else that you want to leave our
viewers with, just remember that this is
a bigger picture than just the minutiae
of the medical appointments and the fear
of oh my God are they going to die are
they going to transition right now if
you step back and look at what am I
supposed to learn through this what is
my loved one who is the patient supposed to
learn through this and what are we
supposed to learn together this is an
opportunity for growth and you can be as
pissed off as you want you can be as
resentful as you want but you have to
find outlets and how to talk about it
with others and then have that
conversation with your loved one as well
because once you work on it over here
when you bring that to to the loved
one who's your patient you know that how
do I say this the bitterness the cutting
edge of it is out of it and now you can
just talk about you know what goes on
with that, great thank you Paige, you're welcome ...
Thanks so much for watching, right here's
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