[mumbles] Welcome to Chronicles.
A place where we, Kate and Victoria - that's me! - are just trying to make invisible illness visible
[chirpy xylophone theme music plays]
I wish that my pain was visible right now, because if it was I would look utterly hideous.
I have been in the wars lately.
Because it's endometriosis awareness month - ironic! because I think that I am actually
feeling sick because endometriosis, possibly because my endo is growing back I don't
know, mayyybe I'm wrong - but I have been sick during this month…
...which has sucked because I've wanted to talk about endo, and be like
awareness, awareness, awareness!
But I still wanted to have a chat about it...so, here we go.
The truth is, I'm scared to talk about endometriosis.
It's not even because it's so personal.
Sharing things about my pain and illnesses has been so helpful to me on this channel,
But when it comes down going into the nitty gritty of endometriosis, it's scary to talk about.
I suddenly feel like a little girl again.
And I know this is internalised ableism, but I underestimate how bad it is, I underestimate
my own pain; the legitimacy of the illness.
I often don't feel sick enough...or disabled enough... and I feel like what's happening
to my body isn't actually real...and I'm dreaming it all...that's honestly how I
feel a lot of the time.
Getting the diagnosis for… the other illness I have, which is chronic fatigue syndrome
- it's its own thing but I kind of feel like oh well now that I've got two illnesses
together it's like suddenly I'm legitimate, because of fighting multiple illnesses at
once; comorbidities!
Endometriosis, alone, it's legitimate.
'This' one specifically is so common, it's almost as common as diabetes and yet
nobody really knows about it.
And even what they do know, half of it isn't even true, half of it isn't even science,
it's just anecdotal rubbish.
It's awful! [big EXHALE]
It's just so awkward that the thing that's hurting me the most is my uterus, my
'lady bits.'
...that's the thing, in society that even today, as modern and progressive as our society
is [becoming], sexism and oppression to women exists...and the list goes on.
I remember myself at twelve years old, learning that I just couldn't talk about IT, it's
something that I had to just shut my mouth about, because no one wants to hear about
your 'women's issues'; nobody cares.
Nobody cares that your period is abnormally horrible...because they think 'it's just
normal!'
'Everybody gets bad cramps!'
[SIGHS]
I was talking to a friend of mine about wishing how much we wanted to be guys when we were
younger because of endometriosis and she mentioned she had issues with gender dysphoria.
I suddenly realised that I had the same thing.
Although I identify with the gender I was assigned at birth, I had a hard time accepting
this body I was born into because it hurt me so much.
The biological signs that I was female, was [also] the reason why I was sick all the time,
but could never talk about it, and people would never take me seriously.
It just made and makes me so angry, but back then I didn't know that I could be angry
you know?
I felt like I just had to suffer in silence.
And it's hard...it's hard to get out of that thinking, that you can talk about it,
that you don't have to be silent about it.
I also made another video, which was actually scripted; this was just babble…
I made another video that explains my experience with endo in a very concise and thoughtful
manner so I will link it in the places around.
That's probably the video I'm most proud of and I actually spend a lot of time working
on it, because again, I was so scared to talk about - and actually after I posted it I felt
like I was gonna throw up -
And I think I actually had a panic attack.
It was a very vulnerable video for me to make, but something I'm really proud that I did
make and [gulps]
I want to make more of that stuff, so there will be more to come, trust!
Even though it's hard, even though this little girl in me is really scared to talk about
something that makes me feel so vulnerable, because of all this internalised misogyny
in my brain, I know that it's gonna help me unlearn all of that, it's going to help
me to feel stronger and to feel more empowered.
And also I hope that it will help someone else.
I'm gonna try for my sake and I'm gonna try for the sake of every other person out
there who either knows someone who's going through the pain of endometriosis OR has it
themselves OR wonders if they have it themselves or kinda just wants to open up their mind
about an experience that isn't their own - good on you those people who do that!
Dang it I want to make videos!
And there will be some consistent videos on this channel dammit because I am determined!
I am gonna do it!
I can't promise anything though, so bear with!
In the meantime, if you're not seeing me on this channel, I also have my own personal
channel - bickylabiscuit - which I will also link so you can check me out there if you
want to.
What are your thoughts on endometriosis?
Do you know what endometriosis is?
I would love to hear your experiences [in the comments below] and give some cyber hugs
to you because we're in this together!
If you enjoyed this bit of honest chats, subscribe and click on that bell next to the subscription
thing, so you know when we upload and stufffff!
Till next time, I'm Victoria, you're watching Chronicles and I want to encourage you to
join me - and Kate, who is around, but still sick - in the fight for making invisible illness
visible!
See you next time [woosh sound of fan projects and Victoria sighs]
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