There is really no reason to keep that personna to keep wearing the mask.
And that's where the problems start creep into the relationship.
What about extended periods of engagement. Will, that solves the problem? Will, that allows us to
know each other? So as to minimize any surprises later on and down the road.
The answer is No. Again you would think that is the desired result. That you are
going to get but that's not the case. Why? I would like to refer to the
engagement period in general weather extended or short. Engagement phases are
the biggest deception ever. Who are you trying to fool? Are you kidding me?
Who acts like themselves when they are engaged? Don't you hold yourself to a
very high level of excellence when you're engaged to someone. The way you
conduct yourself the way you dress the way you talk. How you are such an
attentive compassionate listener when you're out there having dinner at a
restaurant. Whereas as soon as you get married and tie the knot, that's what
they say right. They say you want problems to start, get married right as
long as you're engaged you do not reveal your true colors and the same goes for
your spouse, the same goes for your fiance, nobody reveals their true colors
during those sweet beautiful days and nights that you spend together as an
engaged couple. As soon as you get married you let yourself go as soon as
you get married. That's the point where you don't really feel a necessity
to keep up that act of being the gentleman who always opens the door for
his fiancee and what not. Suddenly you see yourself as an equal and suddenly you
see yourself you feel comfortable in being married now you've tied the knot.
You've recited the contract you've thrown that big wedding there really is
no reason to keep up that persona to keep wearing that mask and that's when
problems start to creep into the relationship. So extended periods of
engagement do they solve the problem? The answer is an emphatic no as a matter of
fact I would argue that extended periods of engagement act to the detriment of
the relationship. They make it worse. Why for a number of reasons one of them is
because again you're wearing a mask that whole time you just hold yourself to a
much higher standard than you really are and so when the mask drops you reveal
your true self. You become really comfortable and at that point the
hypocrisy will be a lot more. Well for lack of a better term. The contrast let's
say not hypocrisy, the contrast between the premarital you and the post-marital
you will be a lot more discernible a lot clearer to detect and so you're gonna
start thinking hang on a second you weren't like that when we're engaged for
like three years. You weren't like that? You've never said this you always did
that and now look at you today so that's the first reason. The second reason I
think extended periods of engagement act to the detriment and the disadvantage of
a successful marriage is because while you're engaged you're not technically
right? And because you're not married that is that essentially you're giving
Shaitaan a window. You're giving him an opportunity to attack this prospective
Union that is about to take place. This marriage that is about to happen you're
giving him a window you're like a sitting duck you're saying
here we are. We want to get married but we're not quite committed to it yet.
We've still got a few issues to sort out you're letting the shaitan, inviting the
shaitan on to come and destroy that relationship. Whereas when you tie the
knot you've already declared to the shaitan
that you're no longer welcome. You're telling the shaitan I am fully
committed to this relationship and so you close that window. It doesn't mean
that the Shaitaan is gonna stop trying but you'll make his job just much much
more difficult so extended periods of engagement not recommended whatsoever.
Make it as short as possible. I'm not saying you shouldn't get to know the
individual I'm not saying that you shouldn't look under the hood I'm not
saying that you shouldn't you know see what she looks like
or see what he looks like I'm not saying that. In fact we have religious
provisions for those circumstances what do you wish to see your wife before
getting married if you're out there actively looking for a wife you don't
want to go on a blind date, or a blind marriage you want to see what your wife
looks like you don't want any surprises. You don't want that extra toe you don't
want that massive mole on the nose. You so you want to know what she looks like
and whether she ticks the boxes that's fine that's actually permitted in Islam.
There are provisions there are legal frameworks that allow you to see more
than what you ordinarily see in terms of the rules of
Mahram and Non Mahran. So by all means take your time even if it takes three
days to get to know your spouse.
I'm just kidding
you could go on for a whole week if you want but that's really all you need to
know. You need to pick up the basics you need to you know how sometimes they say
that there and there are many books about that one of them by Malcolm
Gladwell Blink. Right the whole idea is that sometimes all it takes is a few
seconds of interaction before you make up your mind about someone. Right that's
really all it takes. The rest of it are details the rest of it are things that
you really don't want to invest too heavily into for the purposes of
marriage. Right those little quirks that a person has
those tiny habits whether good or bad these things really shouldn't have any
massive bearing on the success rate of a prospective marriage right. So get to
know them have a few conversations if you insist but really don't extend the
period of engagement.
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