Hey friends! Tiffany Dawn here and I am really excited for today's video. I've
actually tried filming it four times now so I'm hoping that this time it will
feel like it clicks. But um I want to talk about how far is too far and how
to set boundaries physically in dating relationships! And I have four
tips that helped James and I as we set our boundaries and I'm hoping that they
can help you too as you're setting your personal boundaries. So let's get started.
So tip number one is: Reframe the question. So when James and I started
dating, we started asking the question: How far is too far? So we knew what the
Bible said about saving sex for marriage and that was something we decided as
kids that we wanted to do, but there's a whole range of things you can do before
you get to actually having sex, right? Like can you hold hands? Can you kiss?
Can you make out? Can you sleep in the same bed? Can you take each other's
clothes off? Like what can you do? And so we started like trying to figure out
like, what's the right answer here? We want to make sure we're doing what's
right and as we're looking through the Bible again we realize like there's not
a specific Bible verse that's like, "Thou can hold hands but thou must not kiss
before the wedding night." Like there's just not something that's so specific
like that. And so James and I were like, "What's the right answer here? How far is
too far?" And that's when James said something that I thought was really
insightful. And he said, "Maybe we're asking the wrong question. Maybe instead
of asking, 'How far is too far?' -- which is kind of like how much can I get away
with without sinning -- maybe instead we should be asking, 'How
can I honor God in this dating relationship? How can we honor God even
in our physical relationship in dating, with what we do and what we don't do?'" And
I love that because it totally changes the focus. Like how far is too far is
kind of me centered, right? It's like, well what can I do, what can I get away with?
But how can I honor God becomes very God-centered, like Lord I want to honor you
in this area of my life. Teach me how to do that. And that helps
push you closer to God as well. And I think as you seek God for that, He'll
start to make that clear to you through your conscience, through conversations with
other people, as you read His word, that will start to become clear. So that
brings us to tip number two, which is use the biblical principles. So there's a lot
of principles you see in the Bible that can be applied to this situation.
So three in particular that come to mind are number one: Fleeing temptation. So are
the boundaries that you put in place, are they encouraging temptation? Are they
putting you in the way of temptation or are they encouraging you to flee from
temptation? So one example for us personally was we decided not to sleep in
the same bed before we got married, not to stay overnight sleeping in bed
together. And the reason for that was because we felt like that for us would
not be fleeing temptation; it would be opening a door for us to want to run
through toward temptation instead of away from it. Especially because like the
more tired you get and at night your inhibitions go down a little bit and
you're more inclined to do things that you might not do in the middle of the
day. And so we found that for us, fleeing temptation meant not sharing a bed
together. Another biblical principle is really loving the people around you. So
asking the question like, "Am I loving my significant other in the way we're going
about our physical relationship?" My mentors once told me: "A guy should be
sending you home with a clean conscience every night; that should be
one of his goals." And that's a way to love somebody. So asking. "Am I sending
James home with a clean conscience? Is he sending me home with a clean conscience?
Are we loving each other by not pushing each other's boundaries, but by helping
each other be faithful to them?" And a third biblical principle that we found
was looking for wise counsel and not trying to make all these decisions on
our own, with what felt right to us, but really getting wise counsel from other
people that we trusted. And that brings me to tip number three, which is
interview some wise trusted people. So this might sound super weird and like
nothing that a normal human being would ever do, and that's okay because I'm not
normal, I have never claimed to be, and I never will be. And I love going around
and asking people questions about their life so I can learn from them. So one of
the weird things I did that was actually super helpful is James and I sat down
with several couples who were married and asked them, "What were your boundaries
before you got married and what do you wish they had been and why?" And it was
actually really interesting to hear all their answers. So I'll just share with
you a few of the thoughts that we got from people. So one couple actually
waited for their first kiss on their wedding night.
I think they held hands before they got married but they saved the first kiss
for the wedding. Another couple had wanted to save sex
for marriage but ended up having sex with each other before they got
married. And we were really intrigued by this situation because we're like, "Well
you still married each other, so what was that like for you?"
And they said something really interesting. They said for that for them
personally, it actually caused a lot of hurt that they needed to work through,
because they said that they were gonna wait till marriage but then they didn't,
so it felt like a breakdown of trust and communication, and like there was
some hurt that they had to work through even though they ended up marrying each
other. That was really interesting to us. And then we found couples kind of in the
middle. We found couples who didn't share a bed before marriage, couples who didn't
touch each other where the other person's undergarments went, couples who
didn't take each other's clothes off or see each other naked or even
partially naked before marriage. And it was so cool to get to hear from
different people what they had done, what they were glad they did, and what they wished
they had done. That was so helpful. And it's so important to find outside wise
advice and realize that the way that you lived your life now will have an
impact on your future. And that's not to say there's not healing and forgiveness; like
God makes everything new and He forgives and restores and I actually have a video
linked down below called: Sex: If you want to wait again. So if you're in a place
where you're like, "I've had sex before, I wish I hadn't, I want to start over,"
that video's for you. And so there is just - God can make everything new. But the
choices that we make now will affect us in the future. And so instead of trying
to make the choice all on your own, it's so helpful to find people you trust to
get their wise opinions. And the last tip is start the conversation ahead of
time, but make sure it's an ongoing conversation. So you want to start having
this conversation towards the beginning of your relationship so you're not like
in the moment, the heat of the moment, and you're like, "What are our boundaries? I
have no idea; we haven't talked about it yet!" Actually talk about it before
you get into that place. But you also want to keep talking about it; keep
having the conversation to check in with each other like, "How are things going? Is
there anything you've been convicted about? Is there anything on your heart or
that you're feeling guilty about or that you think we should do differently to
really honor God in our relationship?" And just keep that conversation going. And
that's a way to love the person that you're dating. So in closing, a question
that I get a lot is: Was it worth waiting to have sex until your wedding? Because
that is what James and I ended up doing. We saved sex for marriage and our wedding
night was the first time we got naked together, the first time we touched each
other in certain places, the first time we shared a bed together for the night,
and it was so beautiful and special and intimate. And my answer that question
is I have no regrets about that. Yes it was worth the wait, with all my heart I
say yes. And that doesn't mean that it was the best sex we'd ever have in our
lives because sex is something that you practice and you get better at, but it
was so special to get to start that journey together. And we didn't wish we'd
practiced with other people, because sex is very personal and so it's me learning
what James likes and him learning what I like. And it's been so special to get to
go on that journey together. And so if you are also a couple who's engaged and
you're saving sex for marriage, I have a video series for you. It's called The
Wedding Night Talks and it is $24.99. It's linked down below and it's basically ten
videos that share everything we would want you to know about sex before your
wedding to help you have a great sex life in marriage, because that is our
goal and our heart for every married couple to have an amazing sex life in
marriage, and that's what this video series is all about.
So girls I hope that this can encourage you. Comment below your thoughts, what you
would add to this conversation about setting boundaries in dating
relationships. Love you girls and see you next week. Bye!
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