- I'd like to talk to you about
sympathy versus empathy in the workplace
and I'm gonna give you some examples
you can see firsthand where one is very effective
and the other, not so much,
and you can see where you can apply these.
Okay, so let's start with sympathy.
This is an actual example of a person that I coached
and he was doing performance reviews
with one of his employees,
and by the way, this is how not to do it, okay?
So, he sat down with this person
and was doing a performance review
and they were requesting something in terms of advancements
and feedback on their career and,
let's just say he didn't handle it that well,
because he shared this with me afterwards
and we said, you know, how can you improve this?
Improve from this.
But what he did when this person voiced their concern
and frustration, he just said oh, that's not so bad, right?
And, this woman literally started to cry.
So, he was thought he was showing understanding,
he was being sympathetic,
but in a way that actually
just kind of threw some more fuel on the fire,
made her feel worse.
That's not where sympathy was required,
that's where, lemme jump to empathy now.
If he would have said,
I can appreciate why you may feel that way,
I can see based on your reaction
that this is something that is very difficult
and challenging for you and I accept that
and I want to acknowledge that.
I also want to discuss with you some things
we can look at for you to do
between this performance review and the next one,
or when we loop back in to see how you're doing.
Some practical steps you can take
in where I might be able to support you,
'cause I think there's some things
you can do that will improve your performance,
that will help you understand what we expect,
the output you require, et cetera.
That's constructive and that is still acknowledging
the person's feelings, concerns, and frustrations,
but not actually getting down there
with them and making it worse.
Anecdotally, I have heard sympathy and empathy
been described this way in the past.
Sympathy is when you encounter someone
who is dying or gravely ill and the way that'll go
is you lie down with them, right?
And grovel with them or worse yet.
Empathy is, you are there for the person
and you feel for their position
and you understand that you joining them at that level
is not gonna help them, you need to be strong,
so what you do is you think about
how can I raise them, how can I help?
So, sympathy's often, well,
here's an example where it's appropriate.
If somebody that you know has a death in the family
or a loss, get them a sympathy card,
that's exactly what they need
and don't try to be clever,
just show sympathy and concern and care.
But empathy, particularly given the context
that this video is in and what most of my videos are,
it's around helping you become better as a leader,
as an employee, or just a person and as a professional,
is a skill that needs to be developed.
Empathetic leaders, empathetic colleagues,
empathetic husbands and wives and kids
are what we need more of.
Where we listen, understand, connect,
and then recommend and suggest a path forward.
Empathy can be powerful because there's human connection,
there's understanding.
When I see you are empathetic towards me,
I'm gonna trust you.
'Cause we wanna earn trust,
but we don't just say trust me.
That means nothing, I want you to,
I wanna trust you based on your actions
and your behaviors, what you do and what you say.
So, think about what I've suggested today
and this is like, over 25 years I've been doing this,
coaching people and applying this myself.
So, everything that I'm sharing, I've actually refined
through my own experience and I know it works.
So, perhaps a little self awareness, a little mindfulness,
maybe the next time you go into a meeting
or you have a situation that's personal,
if you're gonna be doing performance reviews,
or you're getting a,
providing a debrief or feedback to somebody
that you've worked with on a team
where things weren't quite up to par.
Think about how you're going to approach it,
how you're going to set it up,
and then, here's a really important point.
If they respond to you and if it's emotional difficult,
difficult for them, demonstrate empathy, not sympathy.
Empathy will help lift them up, it'll help build them up
and it will reflect positively on you,
and this could be a great opportunity
for you to build a relationship that goes deeper,
grows stronger, and for you to become someone
that they trust, respect, and follow.
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