Do you guys know the product Meow Mix?
Do you know that product Meow Mix?
Yeah, you know it's a, uh –
a cat food? For your pet?
A Meow Mi– a supper for your cat?
Meow Mix?
At the grocer's?
Well anyway, I see the commercial for Meow Mix...
In case you guys don't know
and you've been living under a rock for 35 years,
Meow Mix is basically like
a totally outdated, crummy,
passé,
completely off-trend,
trashy, like white trash cat food from the '80s.
Meow Mix! Can you believe they're still selling that tripe?!
Some people like it.
The only thing Meow Mix has updated in 30 years
is their slogan. 'Cause their slogan used to say, like,
'meow meow meow meow meow mix meow,'
remember?
'Meow meow meow chicken liver,' remember?
But now they changed it. Now it says this.
Uh, they say this:
'Meow Mix! So good, your cat asks for it by name. Meow meow!'
Puh-lease.
Like I haven't done all the research
but I'm pretty sure that's a huge coincidence.
Meow Mix.
It's just junk food for your cat!
You might as well give your cat frickin'
Hickory Sticks and Diet Pepsi.
Which is fine obviously
on their birthday but...
Not every day's a party.
Not every day is a cat's birthday party.
My boss told me that 'cause I'm taking too much time off.
Sometimes after shows
people say to me this. They're like, "Jackie."
"Why Hickory Sticks?"
Actually, first they say this:
"Jackie, soo funny."
And then after they say that, they say, "But Jackie,"
"why Hickory Sticks for the pet?"
I'm like, hellooooo.
Have you ever seen a cat's tiny mouth?
They can't fit a whole friggin' Ruffle in there.
A cat requires a chip that has been
julienned.
Ooh, some professional chefs in the crowd.
I can't tell that joke in the United States
'cause they don't have Hickory Sticks and they don't
invite me to go down there and do that.
Is everybody here from Toronto even?
Like you are but you're not thrilled about it.
(woo)
Oh, you're thrilled!
Everyone here from Toronto?!
Anyone here not from Toronto? Fine?
(woo)
Yeah?
Okay, well I gotta tell you something that happened
in Toronto.
We all know about it but you don't
but we'll tell you.
One time in Toronto, like a while ago,
a person had this bright idea
to go and like
climb up a 100,000 foot, full-blown,
pure, 100-billion foot,
construction crane-crane-crane!
Do you remember construction crane climber?
Do you?
You do?
But like, if you do really remember crane climber,
shouldn't you be like this:
"YES!!"
And not this: "Yes."
Crane climber!
Okay, so what she did was
she shot up a crane
and then she like swizzled down to the end of it
and then she like frizzled down the dangler of it
and hung out!
You guys aren't impressed.
I was impressed. It's all I could talk about
that whole day and every day since,
including today.
Crane climber! Crane climber. Crane climber,
crane climber, crane climber, crane climber, craaane climber, crane climber! Crane climber!
That was me that whole day.
I was interrupting people's conversations like this:
'Ahem. Sorry to interrupt. Crane climber?!'
And people said this to me. They're like,
"Jackie, hush up and shush."
They said, "Shh, you."
They said, "Don't celebrate crane climber."
"Crane climber is sick. She's sick."
I was like, oh!
She's sick on top of all that?!
Ho-ly. I'm even more impressed!
I want to see what this girl can do after she had some friggin' DayQuil.
Right, though?
'Cause I know when I'm feeling under the weather
and I spot a crane
I'm just like,
'euh euh euh, euuuh huh huh hhh.'
'Euh. Not today; not today.'
(blows nose)
Imagine her boss that morning at work.
He's like, "Oh, you're not feeling well, are ya?"
"Okay, fine, well..."
"Just rest up. It's fine. We'll get someone to cover your shift, I guess."
And then later on he's watching CP24; he's like...
"Ohhhh-ho-ho! Busted! She's busted!"
"I think she coulda come in."
Lot of people didn't like crane climber
and I think you are all of those people.
Do you know why they didn't like crane climber?
'Cause I – I think I know why.
Because it was a girl crane climber, that's why!
If it would've been a boy crane climber
they would've been like,
"Boy crane climber: Toronto's newest daredevil-devil-devil-devil."
"What will he climb next-next-next?"
But it was a girl so they were like,
"Girl crane climber?! Rrgh!"
"She's uh... mentally ill up here! Yeah. Sure."
And they're like, "She's expensive to get down
off the crane as well!"
"She's expensive!"
That's what they said. "Oh, all that money!"
Sometimes people take photos of me while I'm doing
my jokes and they don't turn out so hot.
Everybody else's photos are like this.
And like...
And I'm like, "Raaaah!"
My teeth grinding into dust.
I suffer from an ailment.
I don't like getting pictures taken of me too 'cause
I suffer from an ailment
of acne.
Oh God, I have that ailment.
An acne ailment.
I suffer from it. Oh no.
Some people like, when I tell them that,
they're like, "You don't have acne!"
"No you don't!"
Uh yeah. I do.
You just can't tell because I've got a thick
spackling of CoverGirl
troweled onto my plain, ailing
acne face.
But underneath, it's acne.
Lotta CoverGirl.
Buy it at the Shoppers Drugstore.
Ohh, the Shoppers Drugstore.
I go for the CoverGirl but I stay for the this:
(mimicking blood pressure kiosk)
But they kick you off after a while.
But yeah. All I do all day long
is Google cures for acne
and get acne.
There's no cures. There's no cures.
All you can do is tricks.
Tricks and tricks and movie magic.
I have this one trick, like when I'm at home,
just in my socks and my plain face, no CoverGirl,
I'll like be looking in the mirror and I'll do like a pose
like strategically with my fingers
to see what life would be like without.
So I'm like...
(muffled) Oh, beautiful!
H-oh! That would be
beautiful, like that.
I have another trick where I just colour like
beauty pencil on top of the acne dots
so it's like freckles,
like exotic freckles,
like Cindy Crawford but... many.
And when I tell people that, they're like,
"But Jackie, don't people start to realize
that your freckles are always in a different spot?"
I'm like, no, no, no! It's simple!
You just don't let anybody
into your life.
Well, that's all the joke minutes I have!
I don't have unlimited joke minutes!
I gotta get out of here!
Give it up for your host, Cara Connors!
My name's Jackie!
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