Waching daily Feb 2 2018

It is next to impossible to avoid hearing or reading about bitcoin.

Within the past decade, it has gone from being a fringe idea proposed in a paper written

by a mysterious author, to being a mainstream technology that some people are treating as

a new asset class.

Bitcoin is now getting attention from the media, individual investors, and even large

financial institutions.

As bitcoin continues to surge in both popularity and price, investors will naturally wonder

if they should own some.

This is an important question to ask, but to frame the decision about owning bitcoin,

we first need to know what Bitcoin is.

I'm Ben Felix, Associate Portfolio Manager at PWL Capital.

In this episode of Common Sense Investing, I'm going to tell you about bitcoin.

Bitcoin is a cryptocurrency.

Cryptocurrencies are a relatively new technology that has emerged within the past decade.

Unlike traditional currencies, cryptocurrencies do not rely on a central issuing body or sovereign

government.

Instead they rely on blockchain technology.

The blockchain is an open, distributed ledger that records transactions in a way that is

public, verifiable, and permanent.

While there are now countless different cryptocoins available, Bitcoin was the first, and it continues

to be, by far, the largest cryptocurrency by market capitalization.

You can buy bitcoins using traditional currencies, or you can mine them.

Mining means receiving newly created bitcoins in return for using your computer power to

compile recent transactions into new blocks of the blockchain by

solving a complex mathematical puzzle.

There is a finite supply of bitcoin, with a total of 21,000,000 that can be mined.

More than 16,000,000 of those are currently in existence.

For a long time, cryptocurrencies were pretty obscure, and mostly popular

within a very niche crowd.

More recently, the sharp increase in the market value of bitcoin and other cryptocurrencies

like Ripple, Litecoin, and Ethereum has contributed to intense attention from the media and investors.

Being such a new technology, it is challenging to draw evidence-based conclusions

about what bitcoin is.

We can try to work around this issue by finding things with longer histories that bitcoin

might share characteristics with.

On his blog, Aswath Damodaran, a professor of finance at NYU, explains that things can

fall into one of four groups: a cash flow generating asset, a commodity, a currency,

or a collectible.

Damodaran goes on to explain that Bitcoin is not an asset, since it does not generate

cash flows.

It is not a commodity, because, at least for now, it is not raw material that can be used

in the production of something useful.

This leaves currency or collectible, and of the two it is most likely that bitcoin could

be classified as a currency.

A successful currency needs to be three things: a unit of account, a medium of exchange, and

a store of value.

As a unit of account, bitcoin is as good as anything.

As a medium of exchange, bitcoin is still far being accepted as mainstream for transactions,

and where it is accepted transaction costs are high.

Bitcoin has struggled as a store of value due to its significant price volatility.

While bitcoin has room to improve as a currency, we might be able to

look at it through this lens.

There is one other currency in particular that draws comparisons to Bitcoin: gold.

Gold would be considered a currency, not a commodity, because its value comes mostly from its

currency-like functions, not its use as a raw material to produce something useful.

Like Bitcoin, the amount of gold that can exist is finite.

As a currency, gold also has high transaction costs, and a volatile price.

It seems like Bitcoin could be a digital substitute for gold.

But not everyone agrees.

In a Medium post, Adam Ludwin from Chain, a company that builds cryptographic ledgers,

explains that he views bitcoin not as a currency, but as a new asset class altogether.

He does not think that cryptocurrencies should draw comparisons to traditional currencies

because their use case is so much different.

Ludwin explains that in much the same way that stocks and bonds serve public companies,

cryptocurrencies serve decentralized applications.

A decentralized application is a service that no single entity operates due to its utilization

of the blockchain.

Ludwin explains that, in general, a decentralized application allows you to do something that you

can already do (like make payments, in the case of Bitcoin) but without the need for

a trusted central party.

The growth and acceptance of decentralized applications could mean enormous growth in

the value of the cryptocurrencies that serve them.

Damodaran believes that bitcoin could take one of three paths in the future:

It could become the global digital currency, in which case it's high price could be justified.

It could become like gold for millennials,

a seemingly safe place for those who have lost faith in centralized authority.

In this case, the price would fluctuate, much like gold does.

Lastly, it could prove to be a 21st century tulip bulb.

A comparison to a speculative asset that soared in the 1600s before collapsing completely.

I have just told you that bitcoin can draw comparisons to traditional currencies like

gold, but it could also end up being a whole new asset class if

decentralized applications take off.

Or, it could fizzle out.

Interesting, right?

I know I haven't answered what you're really wondering.

Should you invest?

I will be talking about that in my next video.

Thanks for watching.

My name is Ben Felix of PWL Capital and this is Common Sense Investing.

I'll be talking about a lot more common sense investing topics in this series, so

subscribe, and click the bell for updates.

I'd also love to read your thoughts and questions about this video in the comments.

For more infomation >> What is Bitcoin? | Common Sense Investing with Ben Felix - Duration: 5:31.

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'Kabul is a war zone' Famous actor says it's time to leave - Duration: 9:46.

'Kabul is a war zone' Famous actor says it's time to leave

Action movie star Massoud Hashimi has a painful cough, but its not caused by the dirty Kabul air.

Hashimi has a Kalashnikov round lodged in his ribcage that he needs swiftly removed.

The operation to remove the bullet from Hashimis chest is scheduled to take place overseas.

The 35-year-old actor has made numerous trips outside of the country, only this time he wishes he didnt have to come back.

For years, Hashimi has been a voice in Afghanistan -- in between the studio lights and theatrical fireworks -- urging its youth to stay in their homeland.

But no longer.

  A deadly encounter in the Intercontinental Hotel -- one of several recent attacks to transform the capital into what many say feels like a new frontline in the war -- has changed his message to Afghans to something starker: Get out while you can.

Kabul is not safe for anybody.

There is no hope.

I am not feeling secure even inside my house, he says pointing around his apartment.

Now Kabul has changed into a war zone, not a civil society for people to live in.

Every night I wake up in the middle of the night.     Death is coming Hashimi was discussing film projects in the hotels luxurious salon when the violence he was used to seeing in staged productions became very real.

I saw a German woman, very calmly listening to the music, he recalls.

They first shot that lady.

Its really hard to see someone killing people in front of your eyes.

Its unbelievable, unimaginable. The gunmen calmly moved through the salon, shooting dead in front of him two of his friends.

A bullet struck him in the chest.

  When the lights went out, Hashimi used his knowledge of the hotels layout to guide others into a dark room away from the fighting.

Once there, the group threw their cellphones away, so their vibrations, ringtones and lights wouldnt give them up, and waited for help.

For three hours.

We all kept silent in a corner.

I was bleeding, horribly bleeding.

Its very hard, you see your death is coming to you. The Afghan special forces then arrived.

The commandos, recognizing Hashimi, held their fire as he and 14 others emerged from their hiding place.

  Watershed moment Hashimi shifts awkwardly in his seat: One bullet here, he says, pointing at his ribcage.

But a long time ago, another bullet was in my leg.

So, its two gifts that Afghanistan gave me.

Now he wants out.

Surgery to remove the bullet in the Turkish capital of Istanbul first, and then perhaps America.

Stark words from a man who once implored other Afghans -- even on US radio in Washington D.C.

-- to stay, build and fight.

Most people welcomed me that I was encouraging people to stay in Afghanistan, he says.

  But Im not saying that again because I feel guilty if I do it publicly.

I am a famous person, so if I say something people may just accept it. Outside, the still Kabul air belies what should be the bustle and chaos of rush hour.

The decision by many to stay off the streets of Kabul follows a bloody 9-day period in which the Taliban attacked the hotel, ISIS hit a childrens charity in the east of the country, the Taliban used an ambulance as a suicide car bomb to kill over a hundred, and ISIS attacked a secure military academy.

  To some, the week of violence was a watershed moment.

For US President Donald Trump, it was a reason to set aside, temporarily at least, a key tenet of the US military strategy: The idea of talks with the Taliban.

The Afghan government has agreed, saying the attacks had crossed red lines. Political negotiations have remained a far-fetched prospect throughout the insurgency, but the open dismissal of them now has led many in Kabul to conclude that the situation is likely to worsen.

We are still in a bleak midwinter, with the violence of the summer months far off.

Yet already the city is at times panicked, at times deserted, struggling to adapt to its new, frontline status.

  Extreme caution at checkpoints   Checkpoints and barriers provide a veneer of security.

One near Abdul Haq Square appears most interested in checking cars with government plates.

Its unclear if intra-government rivalries are at play, or if there is a genuine fear insurgents are disguising themselves as police.

At the checkpoint, soldiers demand documents.

The arrival of one SUV sees soldiers rip out some police-style emergency siren lights from the cars front grill, crushing them underfoot.

  Another SUV with black government plates is detained until it proves its association with a regional governor.

But this is the nature of trust here in Kabul: there is little.

You can see why outside the Jamariyat Hospital, where days earlier one of the most vicious bombs the city has seen was detonated.

The bomb was in an ambulance.

The vehicle passed the first checkpoint, and then loitered in the hospital car park for 20 minutes, hoping to avoid suspicion before then trying to pass another checkpoint into the more secure areas.

  Now the patients at the hospital cannot be brought in by car: ambulances are banned unless the drivers are personally known to the staff.

Kabuls sick are hand-carried by relatives into a building whose windows were blown out by the blast.

A city that was once a safe sanctuary struggling, day by day, with less and less.

For more infomation >> 'Kabul is a war zone' Famous actor says it's time to leave - Duration: 9:46.

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P Diddy is ice cold as he Photoshops French Montana from 'friends' snap - Duration: 3:11.

P Diddy is ice cold as he Photoshops French Montana from 'friends' snap

Sheesh, whatever French Montana did to Sean Diddy Combs, he better undo it quick smart.

Because it seems that when Diddy doesnt want you around he just erases you from his life.

Or from his social media, at least.

Posting a photo of Jay-Z, Kendrick Lamar and Nas to his accounts on Thursday, to the untrained eye it looks like a chummy photo of three pals.

To the sleuth though, one will discover Diddy – or Love as he would currently like to be referred – has gone and Photoshopped French Montana was the friendly bros pic.

Side note: Bad boys Photoshop skills are legit! He captioned the shot ever so passionately: 3 Kings! GREAT FRIENDS! Love you guys.

#BlackGreatness.

However, in another shot, posted by French, its clear he was in the original pic.

While fellow rapper Fabulous was also left out of Diddys post, Frenchs non-inclusion was a little more heartless and ice cold.

And fans found it a little awkward (while some found it pretty hilarious…).

One said: The shade is real I guess. Another said: I sincerely thought him and @frenchmontana are like tight baddies.

Really?! Clearly with such friends, who needs haters. A third added: Diddy is low key the shadiest dude in the game However, Fabulous found the funny side of it – posting his own photo of the three of them from better days, of happier times, of BC (Before Crop).

Taken at the Roc Nation Brunch held before the Grammy Awards, the lads seem to be in chipper spirits.

More: P Diddy What went down in the 24 hours before the other shot was taken, we wonder? Maybe nothing? At the end of the day, Diddy did warn us he was a bad boy for life (oh come on, we had to).

Metro.co.uk contacted reps for comment.

For more infomation >> P Diddy is ice cold as he Photoshops French Montana from 'friends' snap - Duration: 3:11.

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What is the Wanup Happiness Generator programme for partner hotels? - Duration: 1:15.

Members aren't the only ones to get rewards through Wanup.

Happiness Generator is an incentive programme,

that gives front desk staff and directors travel cash on each member they sign up.

Which adds up to free hotel stays across the world.

As a receptionist, you get 0.50€ travel cash for each new member you sign up,

once their email is validated.

Plus, you earn an extra 0.50€ when they book direct for the first time.

So, signing up just two guests a day, earns you an extra 30€ a month.

And who knows how many guests you'll recruit?

Directors, you get an additional 20% of the total travel cash your team generates.

And you can sign up guests yourself.

Some directors have earned 500€ in just three months.

More members signed up means more direct bookings for your hotel,

increased revenue

and reduced third-party costs.

Also, you all earn bonus travel cash when you hit certain milestones.

On average, our receptionists and directors earn a combined total

of more than 25,000€ a month in travel cash.

Just imagine how much you could earn. And where it could take you.

For more infomation >> What is the Wanup Happiness Generator programme for partner hotels? - Duration: 1:15.

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Why Blockchain Is NOT Bitcoin. Simply Explained - Duration: 6:13.

For more infomation >> Why Blockchain Is NOT Bitcoin. Simply Explained - Duration: 6:13.

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Is My Girlfriend An Insider And Can The Trustee Sue Her? - Duration: 2:34.

The trustee says he wants to sue my girlfriend because of a payment that I made to her about

three or four or five months ago. The trustee says he can go after her because she's an

insider. What's an "insider" and is my girlfriend an insider?

My name is Ron Drescher. I'm an attorney practicing bankruptcy and creditor's rights in Maryland,

Delaware, Pennsylvania and Virginia. An insider is somebody who appears to be so closely associated

with a debtor that they don't have an arm's-length transaction or relationship with them. So

they are more likely to treat them differently than they would treat some other creditor

that they deal with on a normal basis, like a credit card company or a vendor or someone

like that. So a girlfriend is likely to be considered an insider because of that special

close, intimate relationship that you have with her.

Now, why does that matter? In a case where a trustee wants to recover a preferential

payment (which is payment on a debt that a debtor made before the bankruptcy), the general

rule is that the trustee can only look back to payments made during the 90 days before

bankruptcy to recover those. But if the payment was made to an insider, the trustee can look

back up to a year before the bankruptcy and that makes a big difference. That actually

becomes a very important thing to consider when you are planning a bankruptcy case.

Your girlfriends, your boyfriends, someone like that, your very close friend, your golf

buddies could very well be considered an insider. So if you're paying them back debts that you

owe them, you should consider whether or not a trustee will be able to sue them in your

bankruptcy case.

My name is Ron Drescher. I'm an attorney practicing bankruptcy and creditor's rights. If you have

a question about a payment you made to somebody very close to you, before you file bankruptcy

please pick up the phone and call me. I would love to hear from you.

For more infomation >> Is My Girlfriend An Insider And Can The Trustee Sue Her? - Duration: 2:34.

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YENİ AKIM-KARMA İS A Bitch-Yeni Trend-Karma is a b*tch song-Karma is a bitch Türkiye - Duration: 4:27.

For more infomation >> YENİ AKIM-KARMA İS A Bitch-Yeni Trend-Karma is a b*tch song-Karma is a bitch Türkiye - Duration: 4:27.

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What is Li-Fi? Everything you need to know ( ये कैसे काम करता है ) - Duration: 3:44.

What is Li-Fi? Everything you need to know

For more infomation >> What is Li-Fi? Everything you need to know ( ये कैसे काम करता है ) - Duration: 3:44.

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The @TWAMmuseums The Long View exhibition at @GNM_Hancock is on now #notjustlakes - Duration: 0:35.

Well, we've just had a new exhibition open at the Great North Museum, called The

Long View, which is kind of.. it's a married couple,

a husband and wife; one's a photographer the other one's a writer, and they

kind of made it their labor of love to follow seven different trees around

Cumbria throughout the seasons. So they were documenting these trees and

how they changed as the seasons changed around them, so it's a mixture of

photography, poetry, there's some Land Art as well. It's quite a small exhibition

but it's really interesting.

For more infomation >> The @TWAMmuseums The Long View exhibition at @GNM_Hancock is on now #notjustlakes - Duration: 0:35.

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Tommy Pope - The Washy Wash - This Is Not Happening - Uncensored - Duration: 17:48.

- She's looking at me, going,

"Too long. Come now."

I'm like, "I'm trying!"

I mean, I can't piss

if my brother's on the same floor as me at this age.

She's yelling at me right here, like, "You come now! Too long!"

I'm like, "I'm fucking trying!"

- Welcome to "This is Not Happening."

I'm your host, Roy Wood Jr.

Now, tonight's episode--it's not for the faint of heart.

In fact, you might even want to cover your ears.

[jazz band plays note] Because tonight...

♪ ♪

♪ It's about to get filthy ♪

♪ Dirty, maybe just a little purdy ♪

♪ It's about to be freaky ♪

♪ Nasty ♪

♪ Gonna make you want to touch yourself ♪

♪ I'm talking 'bout smut ♪

♪ Talking 'bout sluts ♪

♪ Talking 'bout putting stuff in your butts ♪

♪ It's gonna get icky ♪

♪ Tricky ♪

♪ It's about to get a little sticky ♪

♪ If you think you can play ball ♪

♪ Stick around, it's about to go down ♪

♪ Let's talk about filth ♪

♪ Yeah, taking it from behind ♪

♪ Dicks and tits and balls and clits and assholes ♪

♪ Everywhere ♪

♪ Let me hear you say taint ♪ - Taint!

- ♪ Ah, masturbate ♪ - Masturbate!

- ♪ Snail trail ♪ - Snail trail!

- ♪ Dutch oven! ♪ - Dutch oven!

- ♪ Out comes the shotgun ♪ - Shotgun!

- ♪ Golden shower ♪ - Golden shower!

- ♪ The cha-cha ♪ - The cha-cha!

- ♪ Rusty trombone, Rusty trombone ♪

♪ Girl on girl on guy on guy ♪

♪ Just don't get it in your eye ♪

♪ Here we go, filth! ♪

- Yeah, girl.

[cheers and applause]

He is the star of the series "Delco Proper."

This is Tommy Pope.

[cheers and applause]

- My dad has night terrors.

[laughter]

Real fucking deal, too.

Night terrors is when you yell in your sleep

for no goddamn reason.

Aah.

Aah-aah-aah.

Aah-aah-aah-aah.

Coming from my parents' bedroom.

Aah-aah-aah-aah.

My entire childhood.

Aah. Aah!

[laughter]

Like a drunk ghost.

Aah. Aah!

But my mother only recently told us...

out of nowhere.

Recently.

At a family party, she's talking to one of my fat aunts.

[laughter]

All of my aunts are built for winter.

Let's...

Out of nowhere, she points.

She goes, "Tom, your father has night terrors."

I was like, "What?"

Then she tells me what they are.

And I was like, "Do you realize for, like, 30 fucking years

I thought Dad was just a passionate lover?

Just coming from his heels every night, like...

[moaning loudly]

Every time I'd hear his death rattle from the bedroom,

like, "I guess we're getting another little brother."

And I was six. I was always wondering about sex,

so I was like, "I'm going in!"

Charged down the hallway and...

Aah. Aah-aah.

It's building up. I jam the door open.

My mother's stiff as a board,

already looking directly at me, wide awake,

like she was fucking waiting for my arrival.

My dad's going, "Aah-aah."

She very calmly says,

"Go back to sleep, hon."

And I was like, "Well, I'll never truly sleep again."

Do you realize for years, that's how I thought sex worked?

The man just lays on his back fist-fighting the night like...

[grunting]

And the woman guards the door for intruders.

Like a fucking bridge troll, going, "Go back to sleep."

[laughter]

It's how I first learned about sex.

My whole family's fucked up.

Whole family is fucked up.

Crazy, real crazy, like the real kind--

mental disorders, drug addiction, alcoholism,

abuse, violence, partying, sex.

And one night all of these things happened at once.

I got two older brothers.

My middle brother, Brian, got kicked out of Texas A&M

for hitting some dude over the face with a pool stick

in a bar fight.

My oldest brother's bipolar.

That's like being in a bar fight every night...

With yourself.

But I convinced myself I'm different.

"You're different."

Then I got older.

I'm like, "You got to be just like them,"

'cause we all fell out of my mom's saloon doors.

I got to be next, right?

Just waiting for the old crazy switch to click the fuck on.

My brother used to throw the wildest parties,

my oldest brother,

and coming out the morning after one of his parties

was like coming out from an underground bunker

after a tornado hits.

There's just debris everywhere, and you're whistling for a dog

that you know in your heart is not there.

[laughter]

And one night-- I was 15 years old.

I was a sophomore in high school,

and Steve was 21.

My parents decided we were finally old enough

that they could go on vacation for the very first time.

We're mature enough.

My brother took this opportunity to gain my parents' trust,

and he threw his biggest fucking banger yet.

Plastic on the carpets. There was a keg in every room.

There was a nitrous tank in the kitchen.

His friends were huffing nitrous

out of my mother's blue nursing surgical gloves.

But this party was big for me, too.

This meant Kristen could sleep over for the first time.

15, that's a big fucking deal, you know?

When you're 15, any touch is a good touch.

If I grazed a pillowcase at 15, I'm like, "I'm up now.

I am up."

I wasn't a virgin in high school,

but I got laid in high school

the way white people eat Indian food...

once a year,

but you don't shut the fuck up about it for six months.

So Kristen and I finally get to my parents' house,

and it's a mob-- there's kids on the lawn,

kids in the driveway, kids on the back deck,

and I'm scared for the first time to walk in my own place,

my own house.

I grab her. I'm like, "Stay close.

"These people are animals.

But I'm not like them."

I walk in the door.

I'm greeted by the ugliest man I've ever seen in my life.

He's 20 years old, already balding,

redheaded, with a lazy eye.

Let that sink in.

God was clearly hungover the day he made this fucking monster.

It's like he went to get to the second eye and was like...

[imitates snoring]

Puts his hand on me.

He's like, "What the fuck are you doing here?"

I'm like, "I live here."

Nobody believes us 'cause we're so young.

So now I'm pointing at portraits on the wall,

like, "That's fucking me!

"Here we are at Disneyland with my parents,

who I'll call if you keep fucking with me!"

I finally find my brother in the kitchen bent over the stove

with all four burners on full blast.

He picks his head up.

He's got a cigarette in his mouth

that's somehow lit in the middle...

and burning both directions

like a Wile E. Coyote TNT wick.

His eyebrows and his goatee completely singed.

So now the kitchen smells like nitrous and fucking burnt hair.

And his first comment, he goes...

[inhales deeply] "Fuck are you doing here?"

I'm like, "I fucking live here!"

I grab her by the arm. I'm like, "Let's go upstairs."

And I just want to cozy into my dry-humping station.

And then minutes in, all's you hear is...

[knocking] "Fuck!

Go away!"

And they just kept banging and banging and banging,

because everybody else

is looking for their own sex station.

So I spent the rest of the night cuddling her,

telling her I'm different

and protecting the door from intruders like my mother did.

And that's where the story should've ended.

But like I said, my brothers are animals.

So, a couple hours later,

I get woken up by my brother's best friend, Doss,

who's also my landscaping boss.

White trash.

[laughter]

Doss shakes me. He's like, "Get up."

Looks at her, is like, "It's okay.

"We're just gonna take him downstairs real quick.

We'll be right back."

I know this is not true.

Walk down the steps, go right out the front door.

The landscaping truck is already running in the driveway.

The cab is packed.

And I'm like, "I got nowhere to go."

He's like, "Lay in the back, keep your head down.

If you pick it up, we'll get pulled over by the cops."

Dude from the cab's like,

"Get in, pussy. We're getting Asian."

In my head, I'm like, "Why don't we get it delivered?"

But I do that thing-- when you're 15,

you just curse unnecessarily, and you just play along.

I'm like, "Well, fuck you.

You're the one getting leveled, you piece of shit."

And I just jump in.

I'm in between two weed whackers and a gas can.

He pulls out. He's going quickly 60 miles an hour

down side streets, and I start mapping out my route,

'cause that's what they tell you to do when you get kidnapped.

You got to map out your fucking route.

So I'm like, "Okay, we're taking a left on Marshall Road.

"That's a right on State.

"Why are we getting on the highway?

Why are we getting on 95?"

30 minutes of hell later,

we pull into this small, little back alley

in Center City Philadelphia.

I get out. I got leaves in my hair.

There's just a little flickering light,

a box window, and a camera pointing straight down.

This is 1996.

Banks didn't have cameras outside.

So I'm like, "Oh, this is where bad shit happens."

So I'm like, "Hey, guys, I thought we were getting Asian."

One guy's like, "We are." And they all start laughing.

[imitates laughter]

And so I started laughing, too. I was like...

[imitates laughter] Still not getting it.

And like synchronized drunks,

six heads just point right at the camera,

and all's you hear is... [imitates buzzer]

Door opens.

Three feet, another door, another camera.

And I'm like, "How fucking hard

is it to get General Tso's in this goddamn city?"

This time all's you hear is, "You cop?"

And I'm like, "No, I'm a sophomore."

[laughter]

One dude shakes his head. All's you hear is...

[imitates buzzer] Door opens.

This time it's staircase.

At the top of the staircase is this jacked Asian dude--

also before steroids

This man earned this fucking muscle...

in a Cambodian prison

I don't know where he found it.

And he had a gun obnoxiously hanging out his belt,

like absurdly.

You know when you see a terrible porn movie

and the guys delivering a pizza with his dick out?

And he's like, "Anybody order extra pepperoni?"

We knew what was going on, but we walk up the steps.

I look around. There's about 30 to 50 Asian women in lingerie,

some holding trays of beer,

some with their tits out like they're checking the weather.

And I'm like, "Oh, my God, this is the Washy Wash."

The Washy Wash is an infamous whorehouse in Philadelphia.

It's the Fenway Park of pussy.

But you have to be invited here.

You have to be invited by the animals.

The animals are letting me in their cage.

I'm being made into an animal.

And it hits me--I'm gonna have to have sex with a professional,

and I don't even masturbate like an amateur.

My head's like, "Dude, you don't have to do this."

My legs are like,

"The stairs are right there. Just walk down."

And my penis is like, "Why don't we just see what happens first?"

One dude goes, "I want that one."

He points at the only clothed old woman in the whole place.

[laughter]

That's the mama-san.

That's like having your selection

from any multicolored Lamborghini and be like,

"Yeah, you guys got a Ford Taurus with no tires?"

I mean old. She looked like a stack of mushrooms.

Like...

Just behind her, ten beautiful women line up.

This woman gets out of line, grabs my hand.

Probably 'cause I was 15, she was like,

"This kid's gonna come first.

We'll end both of our nightmares."

Starts walking me down the hallway,

and I'm looking back like a toddler

on his first day of preschool, like, "I don't want to go!"

'Cause I'm 15 and shitting myself.

And as I'm walking down the hallway this way,

coming this way are grown-ass men twice my age,

naked in towels.

But they're not towels. They're like dish towels.

You know what I mean? Like bar napkins.

So every, like, third or fourth step, you just see a hammer,

just a...

just a hammer would fly out.

Imagine Snuffleupagus trying to close a shower curtain.

[laughter]

So then she throws me into the room.

She gets right to business, right on top.

She puts my hands directly on her plastic Barbie-doll breasts.

And she jumps into cheat code one, which is moaning,

'cause she knows that shit will work, and it would normally,

but her moan was ridiculous.

Her moan just went, "Ooh.

"Ooh, ooh.

Ooh."

It sounded like the last puff of an air horn

in, like, a track meet, like...

[imitates horn blowing weakly]

Ken, this one's dead. We need another one.

[imitates horn blowing weakly]

She knows it's not working.

She flips me over. Now I'm on top.

She jumps into cheat code two-- complimentary mode.

She's like, "Why you so big?

You play football?"

I'm like, "I'm 5'6"!

"I'm, like, 80 fucking pounds.

"I smell like grass. I know you smell the grass.

It's in my teeth."

I know what she's doing.

But I looked her directly in the eyes, and I was like...

[softly] "Yeah, I'm a quarterback."

[laughter]

And then she starts looking in the corner,

and every time she looks in the corner, I look in the corner

'cause I don't know what fucking lurks

in the corners of this place.

But she's looking at the clock. She's trying to end this.

So, every time she looks at the clock, I look at the clock.

But when I look at the clock, I got to reboot the system.

I found my cheat code. It's a "do not come" cheat code.

So I'm just going up, down, left, right, look at the clock,

up, down, left, right, look at the clock.

I'm fucking crushing it!

All of a sudden, down the hallway, all you hear is...

[knocking] "Fucking not again."

This time all's you hear is, "Get out! Get out!"

The guy's like, "I paid!"

"Get out!" "I paid!"

Turns out, the guy who was trying to pick out the mama-san

used a fake credit card,

and now they're rounding us all up,

door by door, closer and closer.

[knocking]

She's looking at me, going, "Too long. Come now."

I'm like, "I'm trying! I'm trying!"

She's like, "Too long. Come now."

I'm like, "I'm trying!"

I mean, I can't piss

if my brother's on the same floor as me at this age.

She's yelling at me right here, like, "You come now! Too long!"

I'm like, "I'm fucking trying!"

[laughter]

Just shit myself!

Door after door-- "Get out! Get out!"

"Come now!" "Get out!"

"Come now!"

[grunting oddly] I'm just on the fucking homestretch.

Gets to my door. [knocking]

[imitates whoosh] Door flips open. She dismounts.

Look, I've seen the Olympics.

I've never seen a move like this before.

She rolled off of me completely nude,

came back up fully clothed, just...

And then disappears into the little light

in between the steroid guy and his gun in the doorway.

And I can't hear shit.

You know when you watch, like, a war movie

and there's a beach blast?

It's like... [imitates explosion, echoing]

And the guy's looking around for his arm, like...

[imitates explosion echoing]

Well, that's how I was, looking for my pants.

Like... [imitates explosion echoing]

I sit down. My heart's beating out of my chest.

I could see the dude just waiting for me.

And he picks his gun up,

and he's like, "You have 15 minutes."

He shuts the door, and I'm scared.

My hearing comes back. Down the hall, I hear...

[imitates woman shouting in foreign language]

Fucking mayhem.

I don't even know how to get out of this place.

I got no exit.

I'm frustrated, 'cause I've been rubbing genitals

with strange women for eight straight hours.

And I have anxiety through the roof.

But I know how to get rid of anxiety at that age.

So I look at myself in the mirror,

and for the first time that night,

I know exactly what to do.

I turn away from my own reflection,

and I feverishly masturbate.

Like the father of ten at a water park bathroom.

[laughter]

Sorry.

And then shit changed.

I was different. I was lighter.

I was different. I was a different person--

lighter on the feet, lighter in the balls.

I'm walking back down the hallway,

winking at guys three times my age, like,

"Have fun in there, kiddo."

I get outside. All my brother's friends are waiting for me.

You know that scene in "Goodfellas"

when Henry Hill doesn't rat on his friends

out in front of the courthouse?

And they're like, "You did it!"

They offered me a seat in the cab,

and I was like, "No, no, no. I'll take the back."

I didn't give a shit.

I jumped in the back of that pickup truck

like it was a fucking hot tub in Hawaii.

Smiling ear to ear, looking at the moon, like...

[howling wildly]

So, anytime I hear someone say, "Yeah, my family's crazy,"

I'm like, "Oh, yeah?

"So your first time available

"to sleep with a woman in high school

"were you kidnapped...

"thrown in the back of a pickup truck, taken to a whorehouse...

"manhandled by an Asian woman

"who screamed in your face to come...

"while her pimp just banged on the door with the butt of a gun

"'cause your brother's best friend

"created credit card fraud...

"so then you were forced to jerk off

"to your own dimly lit reflection...

"like a vulture,

and now you forever associate sex with fear and loneliness?"

"Or do they just drink wine coolers

and play Cards of Humanity?"

[laughter]

Thank you, guys. Great crowd.

[cheers and applause] - Tommy Pope, everybody.

[dark electronic music]