It's going to be exciting.
It's going to be on assertiveness, on clear boundaries, setting clear boundaries with
our horses, and in particular why it's so difficult for us women to do that.
So, it is 5 minutes before the actual show starts.
So if you watch this on replay, just fast forward 5 minutes and the show will start
right on time.
In meantime, as Facebook is collecting all of you, I'm asking the question of sensitivity.
Would you consider yourself a sensitive person?
I'm asking this because I think that a lot of horsewomen are actually more than sensitive.
They are empath.
They are really absorbing emotions form other people and that's why we feel so peaceful
around horses.
So, I'll be really interested.
Just type on "yes" in the chat and let's see at the end how many of you really are
empath.
So let me just make sure of that on my Facebook page I'm following myself so I can see your
comments.
So again, five or four more minutes but today's topic it is; it was just amazing we had close
to a hundred comments in our Facebook group at Confidence and Harmony in the Saddle and
Beyond if you want to join that, on why it's so difficult for us women to set clear boundaries
– sometimes easier with our horses; sometimes difficult in life.
So say "Hi" if you're viewing, thumbs up, introduce yourself.
Again, I'm Christiane Witt from Wild Horse Wisdom and if in any time during this broadcast
you feel like you really want to learn the seven steps on how to release your fear of
getting hurt and releasing the fear of being rejected then, let's go and talk about that
on my website at wildhorsewisdom.com where there is an online webinar that I'll teach
you step-by-step.
So I just saw somebody saying "Is this the right spot?"
Let me make sure.
Hold on.
You find my video.
I am right here.
Denise says "Hi".
Let me just double check as Catherine just asked, "Is this the right spot?" so let me
check.
So Denise, are you thinking; you feel like you're a sensitive person?
And also, thank you Lisa for liking that video or my video; right spot for today, let's just
check.
So comment - Are you a sensitive; would you consider yourself a sensitive person, and
if you lean towards the empath that means...
Okay yes so this is the right spot.
If you are an empath that means that you are really often absorbing other people's feelings.
So that would be really interesting to see if that applies to you.
So let's go two more minutes.
Denise oh yes okay great interesting.
So Denise tell us how that feels like what's the experience of that; because when you're
an empath this particular issue of setting clear boundaries - (Good morning, Cheryl)
- is a huge one, right, because we are so, I'm definitely one, we are so easily absorbing
other people's feelings.
Good morning Lori; great that you've been able to make it.
Cecilia, good morning.
So funny I can see some of mine on this screen and some on this screen.
So two more minutes; the question to you Lori, Denise said that already, is - Are you a sensitive
person?
Would you consider yourself a sensitive person?
Would you consider yourself an empath?
So again, if you watch that on replay scoot forward one more minute, fast forward and
we're starting with why it is so difficult for us women at times to set very clear boundaries
whether it's with our horses or in life.
And the conversation we had as many of you who are here today will attest to, was amazing
yesterday in our Facebook group at Confidence and Harmony in the Saddle and Beyond, and
the URL is facebook.com/groups/harmonywithhorses.
Come join us.
Okay yes, very sensitive yes okay.
Denise says she gets overwhelmed easily.
Yes, that's because our filter to absorb our own and other people's emotions isn't as clear
as you know it's more porous if you want, than for other people.
Alright, it is 9 AM Pacific so let's get started.
You won't believe, this time I won't take off my glasses because I have so many notes;
because we really, our group and I really feel like we collaborated.
We put this together through the conversation we had yesterday.
So I'm going to start off with a quote.
Sheryl Sandberg, the COO of Facebook, in her book, "Lean In" talks about the difficulties
that women have today in taking on leadership.
So it's kind of really relevant.
And she says, "Leadership is not bullying and leadership is not aggression.
Leadership is the expectation that you can use your voice for good, that you can make
the world a better place.
Leadership belongs to those who take it".
Let that absorb for a second.
Leadership belongs to those who take it.
So what does clear boundaries have to do with leadership?
Good morning Patty.
What does that you know, what does that have to do?
Well of course as we set clear boundaries we are accepted as the leader, as a leader.
Okay can somebody, Cecilia, Lori, can you connect with Catherine, Cat?
She still can't find this page or the recording.
She might have to refresh but I can't do it while I'm teaching.
Thank you.
Okay, so again if you want to have more of this type of conversations, come join us on
our free Facebook group at facebook.com/groups/harmonywithhorses.
Let's get going.
Some of you said yesterday, this is and you actually emailed me back and said, is this
because we are natural nurturers?
Somebody else said that she just took on her first student and faced immediately the issue
of assertiveness, fear, boundaries, and often the projections of some of her own stuff onto
the horse.
So that's really typical as well right.
Somebody else in our group said, "My hubby called me out on doing just that" - the lack
of setting clear boundaries.
"I like to work on this and I'm starting to be more", let me just make sure I get this
yeah; "I'm starting to be more firm with my girl and actually calmed down a lot and she
started following me without her lead rope."
So that's what happens when we set really clear boundaries.
Kimberly, "I set boundaries with my horses, no problems especially when feeding.
No monkey business including my dog but in real life, I often feel bad when I'm firm
and I set boundaries.
Humans are much more confusing to me."
So let me check, is that something that you can relate to?
Thank you, Lori for doing that.
Yeah right, and that is not easy.
Sometimes the horses aren't the issue.
Sometimes the horses really are but my guess is if you have a really hard time setting
boundaries with your horse, you will also find the same in life because there is an
underlying reason why we don't set boundaries.
Ok, let's go further.
Another person said, "I feel guilty for standing up for myself."
So please share this video because this is huge for women all over the world.
It's not even just a hundred percent relevant to your horses.
It is us as women.
Somebody said, "I constantly put my needs on the back burner and become very resentful.
If I don't take care of myself I become unbalanced and resentful."
Somebody says, "I've always been a pleaser and peacemaker.
Maybe boundary setting is difficult for me.
I dislike conflict and often avoid it at all costs.
That leads to frustration."
Just let me know is this thumbs up?
Is this something you relate to?
Is this something that you have felt yourself in life?
Is it something that has stopped you from having that relationship that you crave with
your horse both on the side of safety and on the side of harmony and connection?
So yeah thumbs up, really important.
And we'll get to the solution but some suggestions on what to do.
Somebody says, "I always wanted to make everybody happy.
If they were sad or hurt I wanted to fix them.
I want to solve everybody's problems even if that means I give my own time or activity
up."
Certainly been there myself.
"I grew up the peacemaker in my family.
That was my role especially between my dad and brother."
So often we women early on get put into this peacemaker role which brings out this really
feminine of us, this feminine energy but it's at a cost of not practicing the masculine
which is not aggression but calm assertiveness.
Let me check with you guys - yes, okay yeah okay.
Any kind of you know... hard I might be able to see on my other screen here so that'd be
great.
Again, if this is helpful to you, share please because it's important to all of us women.
Somebody said, I'm a pleaser nurturerNand will sacrifice myself and do for others before
I'll do it for myself or say "no".
Sheryl Sandberg said, "We hold ourselves back in ways big and small by lacking self-confidence,
by not raising our hands and by pulling back when we should be leaning in."
Now after all this is a broadcast about horses and setting clear boundaries with your horse.
So let's reread this and see if you relate to this in regards to your horse.
"We hold ourselves back in ways big and small by lacking self-confidence by not raising
our hands and by pulling back when we should be leaning in."
Who can relate?
So one of our clients shared an amazing experience and success experience yesterday where she
did lean in - Yay perfect, Cat - she did lean in right and she stood her ground and she
had a whip in a defensive way, not in an aggressive, "I'm going to come after you" way.
No, but in a very clear boundary way saying, "You get out of my space", she leaned in rather
than pulled back.
And that's what's important but I also know this client well enough to know that she was
afraid she would lose her horse's love.
So let's get a little bit more into that because I think that's really part of the issue, right.
So in the end, not setting clear boundaries and wanting to please, things that you have
often you know many of you have mentioned, it is still selfish.
Sorry to pop the bubble.
Because what you're actually doing by pleasing is to fulfill a need and that is the need
to be loved.
So while you think you're doing it for others, deep down you're doing it for yourself.
There's a need to be loved and to be taken care of and to be protected and that is a
normal human need so it's not like I want to make you feel bad.
But here's the thing, and in our group True Friendship Foundation Program, we talk a lot
about this and many of you are now familiar with this which is it is our inner part, our
protector part that's trying to tell us not to raise, not to make trouble because if we
create trouble, "trouble" by setting boundaries, we may end up alone, outcast, and possibly
hurt.
So I want to see how that resonates.
I'm going to refresh.
This is not about danger to speak up in life because either society or us, or society or
our family has in effect rejected us, given us time out like in my own example.
As a child I was pretty outspoken.
Naturally, I have quite a bit of masculine energy.
But when I did, I got time out, negative punishment as we learned on Saturday right.
I got ignored.
I got criticized.
I got told that I wasn't good, a good girl.
So I was shamed because "I was not a good girl" is not I did something wrong right.
So shame is caused whenever we are labelled.
I was labelled.
I was shamed so of course, my protector pops up and says, "whoa whoa whoa don't speak up
because you may get rejected, you may get hurt, you may get ostracized.
You may get out of the herd which is dangerous.
And if you don't stop talking and speaking up, you may actually physically get hurt and
that was a valid point.
So in my childhood, this inner protector did a great job keeping me safe.
Is that making sense?
Yeah right.
"I had to be quiet because visible was not good for me."
Yes, Lori, absolutely.
This was a valid, valid reason for that inner protector to pop up.
So if we're thinking about there's these three entities within us and again in the program
we talked so much about this, so whoever is in there okay that happened a lot in my job;
whoever is watching this knows this right.
There's the higher self, the adult, calm, curious, easily setting boundary self.
Then there is the protector and then there's the inner child or the sensitive, early part
of us that got hurt.
It was very valid for that inner protector to pop up and go, "Don't talk.
Don't cause trouble, just be quiet".
So Lori being quiet, yeah, it could really be dangerous.
I actually don't know if I would be alive today if that part hadn't protected me.
So the point is today we don't really need that part anymore but it is well conditioned
to take care of us.
Does that make sense?
So what we're doing because we're acting out of this fear from this protector rather than
our higher adult self, we're actually pleasing to get something – to get love, to get attention,
to get something.
So it's actually a really selfish act.
Pleasing and giving are two different things.
Giving comes from our higher self - "I am perfectly glad to make dinner tonight."
There's no resentment.
Remember, that you guys said if I did this, when I did this, I would sacrifice myself.
I would feel resentful.
I would be frustrated.
When you give, pure giving, you don't get frustrated.
See the difference – pleasing, giving; two different things coming from different parts
of ourselves.
The giving comes from this higher, curious, generous, empathetic self.
The pleasing comes from, because this protector part is in charge, making sure that we shut
up.
Let me see if that is right, rings right to you.
Yes.
Okay Cheryl says, "I dislike confrontation and try to avoid it when possible.
However, if I'm pushed into one, I feel I must stay calm, clear, and stand up for myself.
I may be shaking and scared inside but I try not to show it."
Cheryl, that is exactly what happens; so think about you have these three entities if you
want, you know it's all us of course, but if we pull it apart, be this higher adult
self, this calm, clear, stand up for myself part; you have this inner protector that's
still shaking right it'll still like, "oh my God, oh my God oh, my God what's going
to happen" because it's trying to protect the little early part of us that got hurt
in the past.
So when you have to stand up, when you're pushed into one, what's beautiful is you're
now in a place where you can stay calm, clear, and stand up for yourself.
When it's required, you can.
So keep practicing.
That's great.
Denise "just so much sense.
I'm starting to understand how important setting boundaries is for me, not for other people".
Absolutely, it is for you.
Now promise I'll get into horses but remember this; you can I mean you can see right?
You can see this.
Now, if the inner protector is there for a reason, that means that it's in effect not
always, always safe for us as women to speak up in society.
And that is still true, and Sheryl Sandberg talks about that in her book; that we cannot
push promotions like men.
We just get looked at differently when we assert ourselves.
So what is the best place to practice assertiveness – where it's safe; and where is it safe?
In the end, it's safe with our horses, right, because they don't differentiate between women
and men.
They couldn't care less that you wear skirt or that you're a woman.
They care about trustworthy leadership.
They are repelled by this pleasing energy.
It's needy.
What does Sheryl say about pleasing?
Pleaser women; no somebody else.
I saw this quote and I forgot to write down who it was, so "pleaser women become very
low value women".
So that's what our horse recognizes in us.
When you try to please – "oh come on, buddy", "Oh please, don't do that";
"Come on, be nice to me.
Don't step over me, buddy"; then the horse is sensing this pleaser needs to liked makes
us, what does Sheryl so clearly say, low value person; meaning that you now drop in the packing
order.
The horse doesn't understand that you had all these childhood experiences, that your
inner protector wants to make sure you don't get hurt.
All your horse see is what you do and how you react, and that pleasing feels some emotional
pressure from which he or she wants to withdraw and it also indicates that you're lower
on the packing order.
Making sense?
"You lose your rank"; right, Cat, exactly.
You lose your rank.
Alright.
So, what if we reframe?
I was talking about all of this yesterday with my husband, who as a man and as a previous
"seeing eye" dog trainer has no issues with assertiveness.
He's not angry.
He doesn't get emotional.
But it comes to only natural for him to do this.
And he said that the issue was, and it's back to one of the events, like the teachings
that we had about labelling.
When you label yourself or your horse as if he's, when you project.
I think Laurice was talking about her student about projecting something from her onto the
horse.
"He won't like me.
He won't love me.
I want to gain his love".
(Good Morning, Kim) We're giving this horse human attributes.
What if we reframe that?
Because if we do that, then we also say, "I want him to love me".
So now we're in this bartering state – "I'm going to do anything to make him love me."
Horses can't really love or not love us.
What they can though, is either trust or not trust your leadership.
And they evaluate you in a split second on the degree of trustworthiness as a leader.
So what if I reframed, "I want him to love me or hate me" to "My horse recognizes
me as the trustworthy leader that I am"; not quite as romantic but what an inspiration
– I want my horse to recognize me as the trustworthy, grounded, calmly assertive leader
that I can be.
How does that sound?
Let's let go of "He hates me.
He won't come back to me.
He…
I want him to love me", and instead "Can I show him the leadership that he craves?"
In our course, True Friendship Foundation Program, which you can find more about when
you go to my website at wildhorsewisdom.com, you can sign up for any of the webinars.
The webinars will teach you both the 7 Steps on how to overcome this hesitation.
We'll get a little bit into it today but the whole online workshop, and it will also
tell you about the Program.
When you get to that place where you start to realize that your horse has a hierarchy
of needs and the need that you are fulfilling by being a great leader, are the fundamental
ones on the bottom – comfort and safety.
Friendship comes higher up.
So if you don't meet the bottom foundational need; it's like if you are hungry, you don't
really care about self-fulfillment.
The same thing goes for your horse.
If you don't cover safety and comfort by being this trustworthy leader, then (hold
on one second, Catherine, I'll get back to you) – then it doesn't matter, the
love thing doesn't even come into place.
So at first, cover the foundation.
So Catherine says, "Perfect.
Love it; heart, thank you.
Do you think it's different with mares?"
No, I don't think so.
No.
Mares may react differently to what you're expressing to them.
They may not be as quickly able to say, "Oh, okay, that's you.
That's fine."
But remember too, that mares compared to geldings are unaltered beings; meaning that they have
not been castrated or fixed.
So, they are a little bit more independent versus we're really talking about gelding
as an altered stallion, so the submission instinct, they're just a lot more pliable
in general.
Again, no prejudice, right; so we can't generalize but I would say that you want to
really check and look at your horse as a horse.
Not as a mare or an older horse or a rescue horse.
I mean, it's the same with stallions except you have to be more assertive because they're
going to go and try to claim that ranking much more assertively than a gelding.
Does that make sense, Cat?
Okay.
Any other questions?
Please ask questions.
This is not me blah, blah, talking.
This is me collaborating with you and sharing this information and creating "A-has!"
together.
So if we can reframe "He will hate me if I set boundaries", or "I will get hurt
emotionally", because really physically, we talk about this in our course all the time,
if you feel uncomfortable, put a fence between you and the horse, and that sends them back.
So if you realize that there's a fence, you got a stick, a whip, or whatever creates
some boundaries for you, and you realize that you literally cannot get hurt.
There's no reason to let the inner protector talk you into the fact that "You shouldn't
be doing this because you could get hurt".
So if the inner protector is still there, then go deeper and realize it's an emotional
issue.
Find out, talk to your inner protector and ask, "What are you trying to protect me
from?"
Very likely, it's going to say, "I'm trying to protect you from losing your affection,
your horse's affection".
You can't lose your horse's affection by sending them away because it's needing
the foundational need of comfort and safety which is created by the packing order, by
the hierarchy.
Let me check on you – Exactly.
Yes, great.
So, practice with your horses; practice, practice, practice.
Make it safe.
Make sure that you're in a place where it's physically, totally safe so that your inner
protector runs out of excuses like, "You're going to get hurt" or "He could kick you",
whatever.
Take the stick.
Make it long enough.
Add a flag.
Add whatever you need to be able to create boundaries at a distance so you're not getting
hurt.
So now you can argue with your inner protector that in effect, you're not in physical danger
so what's the emotional danger?
And then let her know that horses are not like people.
They are not responding like people.
And then practice, practice, practice, practice in small, small steps.
And again, start small.
So maybe, it's sending him one step back; telling him nipping is not okay.
Push his shoulder over when he shoves it into you.
Start small and then gradually with more good experiences, you can start to soothe that
protector into collaborating with you.
Let me see some…
Yeah, Cat.
We talked about respect and how it's kind of a word that horses don't really understand
so I'm kind of careful about using it.
What if we reframe the word "respect" which is a human attribute, a human word that
we use into "he understands very clearly what my boundaries are and has no desire to
push through them"; see, it makes a little difference?
Because often when we women are asking for respect, tell me if this is true – we tend
to get aggressive.
Because what happens is that, let's see – we let ourselves be pushed and pushed
and pushed and pushed and pushed until we get frustrated and angry and resentful.
All the stuff that you mentioned; and now, "Goddamn it!" we're going to go and
ask for respect.
And when we need and demand respect, we get aggressive.
Making sense?
We get aggressive and when we get aggressive, we do not show trustworthy leadership.
Then, we risk that our horse will actually reject us.
So it's a little bit like self-fulfilling prophecy.
We don't do anything.
We don't do anything.
We don't do anything.
And then, [makes a sound] off, you little…!
We label him.
We project all our inability to have set boundaries earlier onto the horse.
We send them off, and now the horse has no understanding.
She didn't do anything.
She didn't do anything.
She didn't do anything.
And now she's mean to me.
I certainly remember as a Mom, having fallen to that issue where I would be really nice,
"Oh come on, let's do this, let's do that" and then all of a sudden, I would
get so angry and so tired and so frustrated that I would all of a sudden snap at them,
my girls.
And they wouldn't even know where that was coming from.
Mom was so nice and then all of a sudden she explodes.
So that's why I'm a little careful about the word "respect".
Because again, words are so powerful enough that they may alter how we want to show up.
So let me see what you think about this.
Thank you, Cat.
Yeah, absolutely.
"This sure happens with kids", yeah, me.
Denise – "My horse nudges me when he wants his head to be rubbed.
I think I should be pushing him away."
It depends, Denise.
It depends on your horse's attitude.
So, if we're talking about reframing it in such a way that it says something like,
(what did I just say) – "My horse recognizes me as a trustworthy leader I am" and he
wants affection while you feel very clear that he – let's use the word respect – that
he accepts your boundaries very willingly, then he can come in and get nudged.
And so, it's the intention.
Just like with us, we need to make sure that our intention is clean.
Just check if your horse's intention is clean.
Is he coming in to just get a rub and he's being very nice about it, why not?
I mean why will we keep artificial separation?
If he comes in, though, with the intention of testing the ranking, then it's a great
place to send him away.
You become more aware of other people and your horse's intention when yours are clean.
As long as yours are kind of wishy-washy, and you're not really clear on why you're
doing what, you will not understand why your horse does this.
Making sense?
Yeah, okay.
So it's really okay.
So the trick here is stay really – so, "If I'm physically safe, inner protector, why
are you still trying for me not to do this?
I really feel like I need to push this horse away."
"Oh, it's because I'm afraid he's going to emotionally disconnect".
"I get it, let me tell you.
I'm going to send him back just a couple of steps and let's test this theory."
"Oh look, he's coming right back so let's do that a lot of times".
And again, the process is exactly the same that you would use for your horses when you
teach them something.
Small steps, lots of great opportunities, praise yourself, and with time, you replace
good memories with those early childhood or societal indoctrination if you want.
More about this?
Go to our home page at wildhorsewisdom.com.
There are plenty of opportunities to sign up for a webinar that will give you the exact
7 Steps on how to stay calm even when your horse doesn't.
And there, I'll go into details on how to move from this hesitation to becoming calmly
assertive in any situation.
Alright.
Let's wrap up.
Let me finish with a couple of Sheryl Sandberg quotes.
(Hello, Rita.
Make sure you watch the replay.)
"Bring your whole self to work.
I don't believe that we have a professional self, Monday through Friday, and a real self
the rest of the time.
It is professional and it is all personal."
For me, that just really means – Bring your whole self to your horse.
I don't believe that we're any different with people, Monday through Friday, as we
are with our horses on the weekend.
It is all the same thing.
Another quote, "we cannot change what we're not aware of.
And once we are aware, we cannot help but change".
You are now aware.
You know what's going on inside of you.
You can dialogue with this part that wants desperately to protect you.
And you can become this adult self, taking care of your early part as a child that got
hurt.
So, what would we do, she said, if we were afraid?
I'm going to leave you with that today.
I hope that has been helpful.
Thank you, Kim – "great information".
Lori, "Thank you.
True."
"It makes sense.
It's a feel", Denise.
Yes, yes.
So I stayed on time.
Thank you.
On Saturday, we have Horse Soul Saturday where we continue talking about how Operant Conditioning,
remember those four quadrants.
I actually still have them right here; let's see if I can switch; nope.
The positive reinforcement, the negative reinforcement; we're going deeper into it – What to use
when, how you can choose what to use, what other trainers suggest, and so you can pick
what is your path to your horse's soul.
And I'm also going to explain a few more complicated terms that are actually not complicated
once we demystify them.
So as usual, it is Horse Soul Saturday at 9AM Pacific, same place, where we are on our
journey to the soul of our horses through education and through softness in our hearts.
[Blew a kiss] Talk to you all!
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