Hello I'm Rowena Starling welcoming you to
the Save Your Breath Show where I used
to like to say where we help parents
eliminate the stress and aggravation of
parenting and that's still central to
of what it's all about for me but as I
move through time myself here lately
I've focused a lot of my attention on
that specifically with parents of adults
so forgive me as I go through my
transition here if I seem a little
flustered and fluttered and mixed up is
because I'm trying to sort through that
and get a handle on how I'm going to
direct it smoothly from just talking
about the children and our spring
as it we were bringing them up to
point in time where they are actually adults
and we're still having whatever it
is that we're having in the dealing
with them with what we ended up as a
result of our parentage. So in any event our subject today's emotional
intelligence. There's going to be a
general conversation of course of these
things as they are not separate from each other
but our guest today is an expert in
emotional intelligence and I'm very
excited to introduce you to her. She is
Yasmine Gokalp. She is a
doctoral researcher and a certified life
coach specializing in emotional
intelligence. Her career journey started
in the corporate world helping leaders
achieve excellence in their professional
relationships that lead to high
performance. Later she built her own
business helping individuals to create
awareness of their own behaviors that
lead to high emotional intelligence and
further translate into success at work
and in life. She believes every
individual deserves a happy and
fulfilled life with rewarding
relationships.
She believes that we are leaders of our
lives and our children as well. she owes
that we owe it to our children to be
more emotionally intelligent so that
they can have a healthy life because why
you know they are learning every step of
the way from us how to behave and feel
and understand my feelings. Yasmine
has two boys five and eight years old.
She takes pride in sharing her research
and expertise to help parents to raise
happy and fulfilled children who are
productive throughout their lives. She
has a master's degree in organizational
behaviour and currently working on her
PhD in performance psychology. Welcome
Yasmine. Thank you so much for having me.
I'm so excited to talk to somebody who's
emotionally intelligent. I don't mean
to be emotionally intelligent but I know
a vast amount of information about it. It's
an exciting subject for me because
sometimes I question my emotional
intelligence quite a bit. We will be
having some light shed on that whole
thing I'm so grateful that you're here.
Thanks for having me. I have some
questions that I wanted to make a point
of asking you I intentionally put your
collapse your philosophy you know what
you believe in to the introduction and
you believe the parents should be
emotionally intelligent and so they can
raise healthy the kids. I know you have a
different view of the description of
health than how is perceived normally so
I first when I asked you what do you
mean exactly by raising healthy kids? So
when I started writing the chapter about
emotional intelligence and how it
effects our raising the children, I
started to ask parents and grandparents
this more question if you had a magic
wand and if you have been able to give just
one thing to your beloved children,
what would that be? And the answers were around
very creatively about health
they meant the absence of physical and
emotional physical or mental illness
when they may be health but World Health
Organization defines health as and let me
read it to you a state of complete
physical mental and social well-being
not merely the absence of disease or
infirmity. So as parents, as grandparents,
we know exactly what to teach our
children to be physically healthy.
Right? We make sure that they eat right,
they exercise, they brush their teeth
we make sure we take preventive measures
and if they had a mental illness, we know
what to do. We follow the protocol with
the help of our doctors but they don't
really know exactly how how to help our
children to be socially and emotionally
well. What it was anyway? Right? In
Harvard University they started a
study in 1938. They asked very same
question. They wanted to understand
what the essence of life what makes a
man to be happy and fulfilled throughout
life. So these are the questions
that we ask and try to understand so
that we can raise happy and fulfilled
children right throughout their lifetime.
They tracked over 700 men for 75 years
testing them all in all the men's health
related tests, mentally related tests,
interview their loved ones and they
wanted to understand how their life
unfold so they can track this
information what made them happy or what
made them unhappy it turned out that
they found one variable that makes
people happy fulfilled and healthy which
is the full description of World Health
Organization health description and
that one variable is having meaningful
relationships in real life. So it turned out that
having the ability to build that
meaningful relationship that you can
rely on for life I predicts if that child
will have a healthy life throughout
their once period throughout their life
so if you ask me what would you want you
know one thing for your children to have,
I will tell you having the understanding
and control over emotions because that
very skilled helps children to build
meaningful relationships and that is
the basic description very basic
description of emotional intelligence.
Well see there there we have it because
the big issue in our society is what's
going on with us emotionally. Emotional
shadow is a cast on everything we do and
one of the things that I happen to know
personally is that you know when we get
home many times our family because we're
so familiar they are our family they are
familiar we relax into our worst
behavior and a lot of times the
emotional thing is the first thing to
go. The blow up, the impatience, ignoring
them, the whole nine and that I think
that a lot of times I distinctly
remember it might have been my mother, no, it was not my mother
it was someone, maybe at
school who pointed out that people do
treat strangers many times better than they
treat their own families because, that's weird, they
take out the worries and cares of the
day out on the family, you know. So tell
us a little bit more about
emotional intelligence. So emotional
intelligence is having the ability to
managing understanding your own emotions
and also
emotions of others. Daniel Goldman, a researcher
on emotional intelligence the
categorized emotional intelligence into
six domains self-awareness
self-regulation social skills motivation
empathy and mindfulness. So emotional
intelligence is not just one thing it's
a profile in other words you know our
audience today after watching this show
will not wake up tomorrow morning more
emotional intelligence it's not like
learning about emotional intelligence it
requires a lot of practice of all these
domains. It's the mental skills to have.
It's understanding your
feelings. Tell us
again what those individual pieces were
they were self-awareness
self-regulation having the ability to control
yourself if you are faced with a very
tough hard emotion you know have you
ever done something or said something
with anger and you kind of felt regret
it after the fact? That is emotional
control. that's emotional and we want to
be intelligent enough to catch ourselves
before it fully expresses in some
negative way. Absolutely absolutely um
you know some parents may think that
being emotional is a sign of
weakness. I think it men in particular
have been you know brought up to think
that if they show their emotions that
this somehow I'm not being a full man of
some sort. It's kind of coming along and
getting out of that and they may not to
the raise their children emotionally
aware. What you are thoughts about
that? We see what you just described in the
corporate world very much you know
emotions they think that leaders think
that emotions are weakest and you know
those folks are raising the
generation now so i totally
understand
why you would want to ask that question.
It's true. Our society dictates us to
dismiss emotions. That's, that's how I was
raised too but at the end emotions are
generated by our body. It's part of us and
there is no escape from them and every
individual is free to feel whatever the
emotions they feel. What you do with the
emotions that you have what kind of
behaviors that emotions lead to is our
concern as parents. So in the year 1983, Tony
DiMasio another very well known
researcher found that decision making is
physiologically impossible in the absence
of emotions. So that means that we are
under the influence of our emotions in
every decision we make as parents and
our children are under the influence of
their emotions for every decision
they make and parents can relate how
creative these children get with their
decision-making from time to time to be
able to understand the behaviour of your
own children you have to understand the
emotions. Emotions are very powerful data
and understanding them is a very
powerful skill to have. Okay we're
walking balls of emotion. Absolutely and
also for that we live in an era of
technology. Then when I was growing up we
had face-to-face interactions time with
our friends and family a lot of time
nowadays many parents can relate
including mine I'm not excluding mine and
our children spend a lot of time
in front of technology and face-to-face
interactions replaced by tweets Facebook
posts text and we don't really face-to-face
interact anymore. Our outside world is not
secure you do not let the children go
outside and play with other kids well
their time is very limited so these kind
of mental skills just like any skill
requires a lot of practice. Our
children of this era lack that
practice time. We started to see the
disadvantages of this. So the suicide
rate is the second leading cause of
teenagers between between age 12 and
18. So in every every single day in our
nation over five thousand two hundred
and forty children committed suicide. So
those are 6 to 12 graders these
children are not mentally ill they just
don't know how to deal with these tough
emotions their social environment
throws at them. They don't know how to
deal with bullies. They don't know how to
deal with social rejection they don't
know how to deal with these kind of
things that's why their behavior is very
impulsive and... Part of
the problem of that is they don't feel
that they can go to their parents. This is
why we do the show we want to have
parents for the wake up as they look pay
attention to what's going on here
because of your child is that it's not
able to talk with you to get some
exercise and that emotional
understanding then these are the
results. Absolutely, because the children
think that their parents do not
understand them which is true we don't
understand these behaviors that the
emotions generate. To be able to
understand the behavior you need to
understand the emotion and if you understand the
emotion they understand you and you
understand them and if they feel that
understand they would approach you better.
Yes. Parents
have trouble understanding their own
emotions and of course the children can
see that the offspring can see that, you
know? So why would I go this person for
help they can't even help themselves and
ah ok I get what you mean. Is
that good did you finish what you were saying? I'm
sorry I interrupted there. Oh yes no I'm
finished. Ok um now how does emotional
intelligence of a parent influence
child's life? It does. They do, so as
children these kind of mental skills are
learned in very early childhood age
children start mimicking the
interactions within the house how the
parents are reacting to these emotional
issues or how parents in between each
other interact and handle these emotions
so what they do is they mimic. They take
these patterns and they kind of mimic
those patterns as a template for their
own behavior and that template becomes
their you know main behavioral pattern
and then they go outside world and
practice these patterns so how
emotionally intelligent a parent is
you have as parents we have to ask
ourselves you know if the way I react
to stressors is what would I wish my
child to react to stresses because they
mimic you. There were a few studies done.
One study they wanted to understand how
emotional intelligence of a parent
correlates to aggression in high school
years which is a very big problem so
they it turned out that the emotional
intelligence families parents have less
aggressive children so another study was
seeing, looking at the life
life
satisfaction of the children they wanted
to understand if emotional intelligence
of the parents have any influence of how
satisfied is the child with their life
and it turned out that is a strong
relationship so all these researchers
telling us that parents need to educate
themselves and look within to see how
they can improve themselves so that they
can raise less aggressive, satisfied from
life children happy and healthy children
so the point is actually we don't always
have control over the behaviors of our
children I mean that's obvious after
they leave home to school they control
their own behaviors but we do have
control on, control over our own behaviors
so if I know that if I improve myself my
children will be improved as well why
not right? Exactly, so it all starts where
we're the meter that they use and it's light
and a meter of the measuring you know
how would their the measuring I can't
remember the word exactly that speaks
to measuring like how far to the left
and right into the center how much we're
in the center and how far to the left
and right you are in any range of
positive and negative emotions because I
personally I actually witnessed quite a
few parents just as I was growing up but
hung out they hung out on a negative
side almost eighty percent of the time
and and their kids had varying kind of
personality quirks because of it I don't
want to go into
iterating the various ways as they were
affected but
hmm The good thing is these skills can be
improved you know as parents they're not
prisoners of how we were raised these
these skills can be improved. So how
difficult is it then that will be my
question to begin to monitor and
understand what you're supposed to do? It
is it is not easy so it's so emotional
intelligence is a profile as I mentioned
earlier and how the profile is self
mastery related and it's not really easy
to understand how your behavioral
tendencies are because those are normal
to you so and we have my coaching
conversations around self-awareness if
you don't mind I would love to practice
one maybe we can get a little um
audience participation as well yes oh
you mind if I ask you a question well I
would not mind at all this is part of
this how can we bow how can we be more
emotionally intelligent was one of the
things I want to ask you yes exactly
that is what I want to practice okay
yeah oh and what I want to say is first
for every behavioral tendencies that we
have everyone has their own behavioral
tendencies right there is a
representation in our brain called
neural networks for that specific
tendency so we practice these behaviors in
our day-to-day life and as we practice
them those neural networks get stronger
So we want to understand what neural
networks in your brain are strong oh and
if they are working for you or not
that is the essence of
self-awareness that comes with the coaching
conversations. Now I'm scared. Don't be.
I want to ask you a question I'm here
racing
against time so um I will ask you the
question I want to ask I don't need to
hear an answer so you can go crazy with
the answer in your mind but just tell me
if you have an answer yes or not well
maybe do you want me to just give you
yes or no or yes yes or now okay i will
give you three seconds and at the end of
three seconds i will ask you do you have
an answer you just say yes or no. Okay don't
tell me yeah yeah all right tell me or
thinking about one thing that you don't
like about yourself one thing that you
don't like about yourself. Do you have an
answer? Yes. Okay so what we tested is a
behavioral tendency of self criticism.
And self-criticism is usually very
strong network for everybody it's not
just for you, it's everybody and there is
a specific reason why that happens but I
won't get into that detail but I gave you
three seconds and three seconds is a
very strong fast time to have a neural
network that means that you practice
self criticism during your day every day
several times every day so and when we
realize that, you're not alone, you know I
am very high on self-criticism
myself and everybody else is it's our
human tendency in ninety nine percent of
the world's population same way so as
you know the answer the questions are
did you know that you have been
practicing self criticism? what would you
like to practice self-criticism going
forward? If you were so fast to
criticize yourself how fast are you
criticizing your children? How is that
affecting your relationship with your
children?
Well that you know children will learn
these skills from you and take it to
their friends. How is that skill
affecting your children personal life?
Their social interaction. Absolutely. So
this is simple self awareness and how
self awareness conversations start and
that you can tell it can take hours and
hours of conversation to reveal what are
the behaviors tendencies which ones are
working for you which ones aren't or not
I mean pick the ones that don't work for
you throw them out and I ask you what
are the behavioral tendencies that you want
to have and then we start practicing those
like compassion, you know, self-love
and all other thing mindfulness all
other things that may help you and your
children. And you'll feel so much better
when you do it. Absolutely, absolutely so
that's essentially the answer to my
question of how we can be more
emotionally intelligent? is there
something that's specific that we can do
that inject and what we're feeling and
thinking that helps us to be more
emotionally intelligent? Absolutely I
mean this was just an example of a how
a self-awareness coaching session
can go you know but the parents can ask
this question to themselves as their
life unfolds. Why do I feel this way?
what's the original feeling? What do I
want to feel about this? Self awareness
is all about trying to understand
exactly why you do what you do. Exactly.
Fantastic. I love that. I absolutely love
it now I'm feeling better about the
whole thing. I bet you I feel more
emotionally intelligent right now, just
talking to you. Thank you so much Yasemin.
No problem I enjoyed our conversation
together. Is there something more that
you wanted to say before we sign off? I
want parents to see emotional clues and
emotional these emotional behaviors or
emotional data as a real data and I want
them to take it seriously because it's
very important for the health of their
children and for their health as well.
Absolutely, no because they got their
habits from their parents and absolutely
so remain cautious is the fact that
we're just passing stuff along and sort
of nip it you know the buck stops here
sort of attitude about it not only do we
stop it here but we're healthier for it
as we go forward when I think about the
parents of adults that I work with now a
lot of them are struck with the chronic
diseases and all kinds of physical
ailments and these things started early
and they've been eating on them since they
were children themselves so oh my god
that's a long conversation but and
so if people wanted to reach you
and to work with you directly they would
go to yasemingokalp.com and I
understanding you have a a specific
offering on your site there what is it
again I have an e-book that they can
request and I also offer if they mention
our conversation, a free emotional
intelligence self-awareness session
if they choose that. Fantastic. Well, thank
you so much for being here with us thank
you for having me and I I thank our
listeners and our viewers out there in
Save Your Breath TV land and we'll sign
off and I look forward to seeing you
here again next time thank you on the Save Your Breath Show.
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