I don't know about you,
but I find music to be one of the most
fascinating means of communication on our planet.
Music has the ability to transcend language,
culture and geographic barriers
to lift or lower one's emotional state,
to insight peace or even provoke riot.
Simply put,
it is an amazing form of communicating a message,
thought, or emotion.
Instrumental music ranging from
classical to techno music has no borders
in terms of communicating
whatever it set out to communicate
as anyone with hearing is going to assimilate
the message from it.
But even in the case of music sung in another language
such as Andrea Bocelli singing an Aria in Latin
or Celine Dion with her soaring ballet in French,
or Ricky Martin with the driving hit in Spanish.
We know that music transcends language
and then to contemplate the power
and emotion found in voices sung in harmony,
especially a beautiful duet by a male and female
as they soar in and out of each other's parts,
sometimes harmonizing,
other times soloing for a moment.
Who can remain emotionless
as they sit and listen to Josh Groban
and Celine Dion's duet of the song,
The Prayer.
But then there is the other side of the coin.
How wonderful is it
when you hear some well meaning vocalist pair
sing the same beautiful song
but who can't hold the tune if their lives depended on it.
I would dare say that with the same power that
Groban and Dion can alleviate one's emotions
through their powerful delivery,
so can the same song deflate and disgust if sung off pitch.
It's interesting to consider that
music is somewhat like a marriage in that
when harmony is to be found between two people,
powering influence is the result
both within and without the marriage.
On the other hand if discord is to be found,
there is nothing more awful
and debilitating for everyone involved.
Without expounding anymore on that metaphor,
let's listen in as speaker Doug Batchelor talks to us
about the power or discord
that comes out of either a great or a bad marriage.
Our message for today,
and it's going to be maybe a two or three-part message,
is going to be called Together for Life,
Together for Life: Bible keys for a happy marriage.
In our world today, divorce is epidemic.
You've probably heard the statistics that
somewhere between 40 and 50% of marriages end in divorce.
The reason those statistics are so sloppy is because
so many people live today,
without even the benefit of marriage,
it's hard to really measure it.
I believe it was someone thinks maybe,
''Well, maybe the second marriage will be better."
Sixty percent of second marriages
end in divorce
and it's even worse for third marriages.
Paige Patterson,
who was the president of the Baptist theological seminary
in Fort Worth,
citing the demise of 21 of the world's great civilizations.
Actually, the historian
who wrote about this was an atheist,
but he said that he discovered that
among the 21 of the world's greatest civilizations,
part of their breakdown was the breakdown of the home.
Adding to that, he said,
''America could be living out its final chapters
in the annals of history unless the biblical model
for the family is restored.''
James Dobson said in May of this year,
''I do not recall a time
when the institutions of marriage
and the family have faced such peril
or when the forces arrayed against them
were more formidable or determined.
Barring a miracle,
the family that has existed
since antiquity will likely crumble foreshadowing
the fall of western civilization itself.
And many are wondering
if what happened with the Supreme Court
at that recent ruling on marriage
was driving a silver spike
in the heart of American marriage altogether.
Now I don't want to dwell too much about this,
but it's something that
we probably are going to have to talk about.
What are the main reasons that divorce happens?
I'm just going to give you 24 of the top reasons
that are listed when people cite
the reasons for divorce.
Financial problems, you know, a lot of people, they think,
''Well, before we get married,
we should live together so we get to know each other
to find out if we're compatible.''
Have you heard that one before?
"You guys aren't married, why are you living together?"
"Well, we're just, we want to make sure
we're compatible before we,
you know, make it official and..."
And I heard a pastor say,
"If you want to find out if you're compatible,
you don't need to share a bed, share a checkbook."
Because the number one reason that people get divorced
is not because they are sexually incompatible,
it's they're financially incompatible.
Financial problems, number one.
Inability to manage or resolve conflict.
Infidelity.
Cultural and lifestyle differences.
Now that sometimes is bigger than you think.
People, you know, when they grow up
in a whole different culture
with different expectations and different patterns
and traditions that can seem so bizarre to people
from a different culture.
A lack of commitment is put down.
Lack of communication between spouses.
Abandonment.
Alcohol or drug addiction.
Physical abuse. Emotional abuse.
Personality differences or irreconcilable differences,
have you heard that before?
Differences in personal or career goals.
Different expectations about household tasks.
They divorced because she thought
he was going to do it
and he thought she was going to do it.
Different expectations about having or rearing children.
That's a big one.
Interference from parents or in-laws.
Lack of maturity is listed as a difference.
Intellectual incompatibility.
Sometimes just the educational level
can become a problem.
Sexual incompatibility is listed,
but it's pretty far down the list.
Not allowing room for personal growth.
Falling out of love.
Religious conversion or religious beliefs,
I've seen that become a serious issue.
Mental instability or mental illness.
Criminal behavior and incarceration for crime.
It's very hard on marriages when one spouse is incarcerated
for a long period of time.
Inability to deal with each others'
petty idiosyncrasies.
Now, you might find that
some of these are issues in your marriages,
those of you who are married here,
but none of them needs to be the reason for divorce.
And I'm going to go through a list of maybe
18 different subjects that are Bible secrets.
And if we understand these things,
they can really contribute to healing a marriage
and making a good marriage better
if we follow these principles.
First of all, number 1:
Remember that marriage is a divine covenant.
We are saved.
You're in church today
because ostensibly you want to be
or are a Christian and we are saved
based on a covenant,
a promise that God has made to us.
He gave His Son to save us
and we by faith accept His Word and we make a pledge
that we're going to commit our lives to Him.
A covenant is made, covenants,
agreements, promises, very important.
Marriage is among the most important covenants
or promises that are made.
You're making vows in the presence of God
and other witnesses.
It's a covenant that's not only something that is done
before you and God.
It's something that is done socially.
It's a commitment,
a covenant that makes for one thing,
it is saying publicly,
we are officially committing ourselves to each other.
She is off the market for anyone else
that might be interested.
She's saying, he is off the market.
We are a new family unit that is to be guarded
and respected by the culture and society.
It is a public commitment.
And it used to be that the reason
the government was involved is
because there was off spring
that was the product of those unions,
and if one of the spouses died or both spouses died,
they needed to determine how to deal with the children.
And then sometimes the government
would have to step in to care for those things,
and there were laws involved.
But it does matter that you are legally married.
Is it required that you are married in a church?
No, it doesn't say so in the Bible,
but I think if you're a Christian,
you would want it to be a religious service
because it's a covenant in the presence of God
and you want to commit your lives to God.
Jesus said, Matthew 19:5,
"For this cause a man will leave
his father and his mother
and cleave unto his wife,
wherefore they are no more two but one flesh.
Wherefore what God has joined together,
let not man put asunder."
The disciples came to Jesus and they said,
"Well Moses, he gave us a law about divorce
and how we accomplish a divorce
and you're teaching something different."
And Jesus said,
"Yes, because of the hardness of your hearts
Moses made those laws."
They actually had a law that, by the time of Christ,
a man could divorce his wife if she burned his food.
I mean, they kept expanding
what the excuses for divorce were
because of the hardness of hearts.
And God says, "I hate divorce."
And that translates about the same
in any version of the Bible that you have.
Now I know that a lot of people here are affected by this
and I need to let you know there are times
when, biblically, it is appropriate to divorce.
As much as God hates divorce
it was God who told Abraham to divorce,
put away Hagar.
Of course, he had one wife too many at the time
and he had to deal with that.
But look at all the heartache that it brought.
It's dangerous to go into marriage thinking
that divorce is an option
because if you in the back of your mind even think it,
then you can end up having problems.
Some people look at divorce as an escape hatch.
I'd like to recommend, if you're a Christian,
shut the hatch, weld it, lock it,
throw away the key.
Amen.
As soon as you know it's not an option
and you realize that you're on a deserted island
with this person called your husband or your wife,
you've got to get along.
Then you start doing your best to make the best of it.
Now, again, I recognize there are some,
even biblical grounds for divorce.
Do you know what they are?
There are two reasons
that are really given in the Bible
when it's appropriate to divorce,
and not just divorce, because you can separate,
you know, if there's abuse in the marriage
you should separate.
But to divorce,
often people are thinking
divorce is designed to put them back on the market
so they can remarry.
One is for the cause of fornication,
Jesus said.
If one spouse or the other violates those sacred vows
and commits that intimate act with another person,
they biblically have grounds, they have broken the covenant,
they have grounds to divorce and then to remarry.
It doesn't mean they have to.
Nowhere is Jesus saying that you have to divorce.
Reconciliation is always much better.
And let me ask you,
does the Bible sometimes use the expression
that the Lord is our husband, the church is the bride?
Does God say that sometimes His people,
whether it was Israel or the church,
has played the harlot and committed adultery?
Does the Lord forgive, read the Book of Hosea,
and take her back?
If there has been infidelity,
it doesn't mean you have to get divorced.
And I told you there were two reasons.
In 1 Corinthians 7, another example is given.
And Paul is talking to pagans,
there were people out there
that worshiped the Greco-Roman array of gods,
and one of them accepts Jesus,
lets suppose the wife then accepts Jesus.
And the husband says, I didn't sign up for this.
I don't want to be a Christian.
I don't want to follow your laws.
I'm leaving.
If that husband abandons the wife
because she has accepted Jesus,
they both got married as pagans,
then, Paul says, she is free in that regard,
let him depart.
But he says, "If your husband is willing to stay married,
stay married that the husband might be converted
by the behavior and conversation of the wife,
or vice versa.
But that was sort of a second clause
where Paul said, in the event that
you've got two pagans that one of them converts
and the pagan spouse says, ''Well, I'm leaving."
Does that mean, now
the person who's newly converted can never remarry?
No, Paul says they are not under bondage in such cases.
So I just want to make sure that
people understand that was a specific scenario
that Paul is talking about there.
So marriage has to be a covenant
where you stick with the person,
in sickness and in health.
I remember hearing about this lady
that was at her husband's bedside in the hospital
as he was kind of slipping in and out of a coma
during what was to be his final illness.
And during one of his lucid moments
she was at his side and he said,
"Honey," she drew close when he was talking,
he said, "I remember, you've always been at my side."
And he said, "When I lost my job,
you were there.
When the business failed, there you were."
He said, "When I broke my leg, you were there."
He said, "When I got sick, you were there."
He said, "You know, dear, I just wanted to tell you,
I realized something."
She drew close and her eyes were all misty.
He said, "I think you're bad luck."
Oh! That's so bad!
Oh come on. The guys think it's funny.
Now that was just the first point,
it's a covenant.
Point number 2: establish your own private home.
I'll read it to you again, Genesis 2:24,
"Therefore a man will leave
his father and mother and cleave..."
It's called leave and cleave, and that word, cleave,
it actually does come from that,
an ancient Jewish word
where they made glue out of horse hooves
or sheep hooves and it was glue,
it means to be attached.
It says you're to leave,
it's important to establish your own home.
If you have too much of the in-laws
and the out-laws all there
when you're trying to establish your family,
first couple of years are tough
and you need to have some privacy
because you're taking your whole scenario
of what life's about and all your experiences
and your expectations
and you're bringing them to the marriage
and then your wife is taking her experience
and bringing it to the marriage,
and Karen and I knew we were going to have some challenges
because Karen went to the same school 12 years
and then went to Christian college.
I went to 14 different schools.
She grew up in a Christian family.
I grew up in a pagan family.
And, just the way you think and you communicate
and your expectations,
we knew there were going to be differences.
And it's important that
you're able to bring those things together
so that you can coalesce your lives
without outside interference,
and if there are third and fourth parties in the home,
and I realize,
sometimes in some cultures it becomes,
it can become difficult, but God said,
"A man shall leave his father and mother
and cleave unto his wife."
The other thing is,
if a man has his father and mother living in the house,
he's always comparing his mother's cooking
to his wife's cooking
and that may not be good for his relationship
with one or the other.
Establish your own home.
Don't let third parties come between.
Spouse should be the best friend.
Point number 3 in a marriage, it says,
"Above all things,
continue your courtship."
What brought you together
in the first place needs to go on.
1 Peter 4:8, "Above all things
be unfailing in your love for one another
since love covers a multitude of sin."
You know where Jesus says in Revelation,
"Nevertheless I have this against you,"
because what?
"You've lost your first love."
And how many times have people thought,
"What in the world was I thinking.
I love this person.
Where'd that love go? We fell out of love.
We drifted apart."
Well, the things that brought together
in the first place must be continually nurtured
and fed and encouraged and revived.
Someone said, "Marriage is like running a farm,
you've got to start over every day."
And you don't really get a day off.
Every day there needs to be things
that nurture that first love.
Proverbs 31:28, "Her husband praises her."
You notice that's an ongoing verb?
You continue to encourage and to praise.
We need those things. We appreciate it.
1 Corinthians 7:34,
"She that is married cares
how she may please her husband."
And so it's an ongoing concern, praise,
caring about pleasing this person.
When you start taking the person for granted,
then you have a lot of problems.
You need to show affection and it,
it needs to be conscious.
You might say, "Well, but I don't feel love."
Do it anyway and you'll be surprised,
you might start feeling the love again.
"Do the first works," Jesus said,
"Remember from where you have fallen.
Repent and do the first works."
Romans 12:10,
"Be kindly affectionate to one another in honor,
preferring one another."
Billy Sunday said, "Try praising your wife,
even if it does frighten her at first."
And you've heard the expression before,
"Treat her like a queen
and she will treat you like a king."
And sometimes you will get, from the other person,
what you've always been wanting to get,
when you treat them the way
that they're longing to be treated.
And so it's through
the cooperative nurturing of each other
in the relationship.
Don't overlook the little courtesies,
encouragements, and affectionate acts.
Don't take each other for granted.
What you did when you courted each other,
the excitement, the love,
you need to have date nights
where you go out and you do things together.
And then, maybe I'll pause with this thought after,
I'll do point number 4
and we'll take it up when we begin next time.
Guard your thoughts.
Don't let your senses trap you.
Now you'd be surprised
how many marriages are destroyed
because of bad thinking.
Proverbs 23:7,
"For as he thinks in his heart, so is he."
A lot of adulteries begin with thoughts.
You know one of the number one things
that contributes to divorce may not be the act of adultery
but it's mental adultery that's happening
either through pornography on the internet
or soap operas on television.
And I'm not saying
they're exactly the same thing but,
you know, when every day
wife or a husband, it's not typically the husband,
is watching other people,
vicariously, having affairs,
then you're rejoicing in those that do it.
It's something that's happening in the thinking
and what's happening is
people looking at these unreal images on the internet,
on TV, on their computer,
or television programs
that are giving a counterfeit Hollywood version of
what marriage is supposed to be and totally unrealistic,
sappy love stories that are so farfetched
from any real life that people can start
to be dissatisfied and think,
yeah, they got some debonair actor that's just,
he's the most thoughtful guy in the world
and he's doing all these things,
he's so romantic
and he's got lots of money and fancy cars
and he always looks buff and working out
and he's just, every hair's in place and...
How can you compete with that?
And then she, you know, then you come home from work
and she looks at you and goes,
"Oh, brother, he doesn't look anything like that guy."
And so, in the mind, guys are looking at these girls
that have got these perfect bodies,
airbrushed, photoshopped,
and then they see, you know,
a couple of wrinkles and a little cellulite
and they start thinking,
and things start happening in the mind.
Now we're kind of laughing because we know it's true,
but television has contributed
a great deal to destroying marriages.
Turn off the TV.
In an article by Dr. Armand Nicholi,
who is a psychiatrist and a medical doctor
in the facility of Harvard Medical School,
he said, "Another trend that is going to destroy the family
as we know it and cause emotional cripples,
is the invasion of television into the home."
One-fifth of the lifetime, in the next generation,
will be spent watching television.
If you live to be 80 years of age,
which is your average,
you'll have watched television a total of 4,000 days,
creating a tremendous impact.
And since we know that television is part of a system
that tears down the family.
You'll have a total of 4,000 days
of anti-family programming on one level or another.
And so, everything from what we read to what we watch
and what's on the internet, it is affecting the thinking
and people bring these unrealistic expectations
into real marriages.
They bring these unrealistic images into real marriages
and they are dissatisfied.
And then the thoughts come into the mind
and they start having second thoughts,
and they start having doubts,
and they have unrealistic expectations
and the impurity in the mind.
Keep your mind, keep your heart,
let the Bible, and the Word of God,
and the things of God be the catalyst for your family
and you'll find that that love
and appreciation for that person
that God has for you, that you are,
you've become one with through marriage,
will be restored and revived.
A couple was,
they were having daily bickering,
arguments, often over little things.
They realized that every day they were at each other.
And the wife came up with an idea.
She said, "Look, you know, this is silly.
It's immature.
If we have differences,
if there's things we want to communicate,
let's give each other a break.
If there's something I'm doing that's bothering you,
write it out on a slip of paper.
Put it in this box here on the kitchen counter.
If I've got something, I'll write it down,
I'll put it in the kitchen counter.
At the end of the month, then we'll talk through it.
We'll have one big argument and get it over with."
So he said, "Okay, dear."
So each day she'd make an observation,
she'd write it down,
she'd put it in the box and wouldn't say anything.
He'd write something down,
he'd put it in the box and wouldn't say anything.
This went on for 30 days.
At the end of 30 days she said, "Okay, let's sit down.
Let's open the box."
She took out the box
and she pulled out her pink papers.
It said, "Leaving the lid off the jelly jar again.
Dirty socks on the floor."
And she just was going through her litany
of just all these things and finally she said,
"Okay, you can read your blue ones now."
He said, "I love you. I love you.
I love you."
And she began to feel little bad.
The things, by the way,
that story can be told either way.
Love covers a multitude of sin.
You know, we naturally are not lovable.
God didn't die for us because we're lovable.
It's easy to love the lovable.
While we were yet sinners,
Christ loved us and died for us.
Amen.
And if the Lord can love us
and the love of Christ can be shed abroad in our hearts,
you know what one,
what's the great commandment in the law?
"Love the Lord with all your heart and love,"
what? Love who?
"Your neighbor."
Who's a closer neighbor than your spouse?
It's interesting, the Bible says
you need to love your neighbor.
It says you need to love your enemy.
Someone brought out it's often
because your neighbor becomes your enemy.
And if we can't love our spouses,
how are we going to love our enemies?
How are we going to love our neighbors?
That's where it starts.
And it's a choice that needs to be made.
Now there's a rule in life,
it says there's a simple rule of physics,
that the closer that two objects come
to a common destination,
they will invariably come closer to one another.
And if Christ is at the middle of your life,
if you, personally,
have surrendered your life to Jesus,
the closer you are coming to Jesus,
and if your spouse is coming closer to Jesus,
you will invariably be coming closer together.
God is love
and if He is the center of our lives,
He will draw our hearts together,
and our families, and our marriages.
Do not let the world define what marriage is for you.
God has given us a definition, amen?
Amen.
Love makes the world go around,
but the pain of hatred
and divorce flattens our world, doesn't it?
It's epidemic in our culture.
In fact, the ripple effect of the breakdown
as a family is that an entire culture begins to collapse.
Historians note that
21 of the world's greatest civilization actually imploded
when marriage was no longer sacred.
That's a stunning insight.
Our only safeguard is to follow the biblical model for family.
Love is too beautiful to mess up.
Love is too wildly wonderful.
And being faithful to the one we love
so very much is also the only logical choice.
Pastor Doug shares the secrets of
how to have a happy marriage, or love and kindness are key.
He ends his message by saying, God is love,
and if He is the center of our lives,
He will draw in our hearts together
in our families and in our marriages.
Do not let our world define what marriage is for you.
God has the definition.
This is your opportunity
to take advantage of this week's special offer.
Just call the toll free number on your screen
and be sure to note the offer number
when you make the request.
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