(Background screams)
(Ghoul screams)
(Sounds of battle )
Turn!
Nodwick,
stay here until we return.
Aye, my lord.
(Ghouls scream)
(Knight yells)
(Sounds of Ghouls getting pwned)
Mort Kemnon!
Uninvited guests.
Your reign of terror ends here.
By the Light of Therin, you shall fall.
What good is the light of your goddess?
She cannot help you...
...here.
No... We're-
Doomed.
Fastidian!
This does not end here!
lt does... for you.
(Maniacal laugh)
Craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap!
Was there a reason you didn't turn those ghouls? Since that would help us not die?
Hey, guys ...
Way to detect the trap, Cass. The Gray Mouser would be proud.
That was an ambush, not a trap. Even you should know the difference.
Oh by the way, way to defend the cleric there, Conan. He lived all of what, six seconds?
Real smart giving them a clear path to the healer.
Guys?
l didn't see you helping. ln fact, l saw you dying like a whiny. little. peasant.
Maybe l was dying because our battle turtle wasn't doing his job.
How am l supposed to kill everything in the room when l get flanked?
You are supposed to keep people off my ass.
And you are supposed to keep healing me.
Which brings me to my lack of powers, which l didn't have after l lost them.
Did l mention losing my powers?
Guys!
And if he hadn't have cut you off, we totally would have had him.
Yeah. l didn't even know it was possible cutting off a cleric from his god.
lt's not. Not in the core rules, it isn't.
lt fits the story.
lt doesn't fit the rules.
Story trumps rules.
Again with this argument.
Boss, we're down to our last copy of Pizzajitsu.
And of course l can't expect you to know where we keep our product,
seeing as how you work for me.
Argue on.
What would you rather have?
An original fantasy world with its own mysteries and pitfalls, or...
just another cookie-cutter setting with no real surprises?
You should have told us that in your world, a cleric can be cut off from his god.
Why should l have told you that?
Gary, would you have played a cleric if you knew Lodge was just going to shut him down?
Hell, no.
That's player knowledge, not character knowledge. You'd know, but your character wouldn't.
That is so cheap!
Cheap, cheap, cheap. Talk a lot, pick a little more.
lt is not cool to let a character advance that far and pull something that huge on him.
lt was supposed to be a nasty surprise, something you weren't expecting.
lt was so unexpected, the party died. This happens when you mess with the rules!
What were you thinking?
Maybe... that it would force you to role play!
What do you think we were doing?!
Hey, guys! Come on!
Same time next week?
l'm good.
The new expansion for Samurai Baseball comes out on Friday.
Looks very cool. You strike out, you commit seppuku.
No.
No, we're playing this one again.
This same campaign?
We've played it twice already.
You guys want to do my campaign again?
No. - No.
l have a reputation.
There's not a game on these shelves that can beat me.
So what kind of gamer would l be if l let some unpublished mod get the best of us?
Thanks, Cass.
That's real thoughtful.
Hey, Guen.
Hey, Mitch.
Hey.
(Phone ringing)
Diiiiiiiiiiick.
l don't know why that keeps happening. Listen, we need two more players.
Dude, l've got work in the morning.
No, dick, for your campaign.
lt's why we keep dying. We need a more well-rounded party.
Listen, there's only so much damage three mad hombres can do, right?
(ln the background) Bye, bye, Caesar! Didn't see that one coming, did you?
Are you guys still gaming?
We're playing Time Felons.
You get to go back through time and and beat the crap out of historical figures.
l totally bushwhacked Lincoln.
Don't you have class in the morning?
Yeah, in like five hours. Why?
Take that, Jesus!
Listen, l got to go. lt's almost my turn.
Who's the Messiah now?
Peace.
(Woman) He's still a jerk...
l'm never going to finish this freaking module.
Party die again?
They don't try anything new, and then they blame me when they die.
Ungrateful munchkins.
l'm really kind of pissed off.
And that has nothing to do with your writer's block?
l do not have writer's block.
l know exactly how the story ends.
l just don't know how to get there.
Obviously, neither do your players.
How am l supposed to finish a module based on an adventure
if we never finish the adventure?
Just run them through it until they win. Or your head explodes.
We're going to start all over again once we have a few new players.
Mark.
Mark, why don't you join? l mean, you used to game all the time in college.
l haven't gamed since... The lncident.
Total party wipeout?
Like you can't even imagine.
(off camera screams heard as Mark remembers)
Hey, Cass.
Lodge.
Mark!
Haven't seen you in a long time. lt's like l forget you even exist.
Yeah, l get that a lot.
Ah, found one of the newbies.
Oh, do l know him?
Her.
Joanna keeps asking to get involved, so l figure we make her a fighter.
lt's easy enough to play.
Joanna? Your ex, Joanna? She'll be joining us?
Yes, finally.
What's wrong, Lodge?
Never played with a girl before?
See you scrubs tomorrow.
Apparently, we're leaving.
See you at Leo's. l'll try not to slow things down too much.
Oh! lf, if that's a...
Here.
Uh, The Player's Handbook.
lt's got uh, all the rules, everything you need to know.
Thanks Kevin. l'll look it over.
Kevin? Who the hell's Kevin?
l'm Kevin.
You have a first name?
All right, what you got?
Half-breed.
Loot the room, or kick in the door?
Kicking down the door.
Hey, all right, that's everybody.
Where's player number five?
There is no fifth player.
You said you were going to get us another player, Lodge.
l asked fifteen people, all regulars.
Apparently, we have a reputation.
What did l tell you?
You make one eleven-year-old cry, and they stop bugging you.
Wup! Wup!
We still need another player.
l've taken care of it.
Now, this is a mid-level campaign, so we'll be starting at ninth level.
Here's Jo's character.
What are you doing?
l made a character for you.
l want to play my own character.
l know. That's why l made you one.
You think l can't make my own character?
Look, it's nothing personal.
lf you're going to be our fighter, there are certain requirements to meet.
Like what?
Well, a fighter has to be the strongest guy in the party.
He has to have a high Armor Class and hit points out the ass.
And that is what l made for you.
Let me see that.
Bikini mail?
What the hell is bikini mail?
Only the very best armor a female could wear.
There's a picture of it right here.
That looks like it chafes.
She fights with a broad-sword?
Broad-sword.
l get it. Kevin, help me out here.
Kevin?
Wait, your name is Kevin?
You have a first name?
Guys, if Joanna made a character, she gets to play it.
l agree with you in principal,
Kevin.
But she is new, and l don't want her to die just because she's inexperienced.
What makes you think l'm going to die?
History. New guy always dies.
That is so true. Remember that time those halfling pirates make him walk the plank?
Or the time those gnome shopkeepers ambushed us?
Shut up.
Or that asthmatic six-year-old princess?
Shut up!
l flipped through that handbook.
l think l got the gist of it. lt doesn't seem that hard.
Okay.
Let's see your character, then.
What's her Strength bonus?
She doesn't have one.
Her highest stat is her lntelligence,
l put her other bonuses in Dexterity and Charisma.
Charisma?
Whee! Whee! Whee!
No Strength bonus.
No Constitution bonus.
How many hit points does she have?
Um, let me see.
Forty-five.
Forty-five hit points.
A ninth level fighter with forty-five hit points.
Oh yeah, she's really going to protect the party.
l put her other feats in speed and precision.
That's why lntelligence is more important than Strength.
They would be if you were a wizard. But you're not. You're a fighter.
A fighter with a giant ''Kill Me'' sign on her back.
With her Charisma, she should be able to talk her way out of most fights.
What? Negotiating isn't your style?
Not exactly, no.
Our philosophy is beat it until it stops moving.
And then shoot it.
And then step on its nads.
Calm down, Gary.
lf you play this character, you are going to die.
l spent two hours on this character, and l'm going to play her. Okay?
Okay.
Okay.
And when you die, you can play Bikini Babe.
Fine.
Why did you two break up again?
Gary! Character.
l'm a wild mage. Wild!
But you losers can call me Sorceress.
Yes, that's right.
l'm playing a chick.
Dude, are you hot?
Seventeen Charisma.
Want to have sex?
Totally.
Awesome. l seduce him. Her.
Yes! Oh l could totally seduce any homophobe with that roll.
We haven't started yet.
You guys haven't met.
Yeah, all right.
Bone you later.
l'll be waiting, Man-Meat.
After we've started, please.
Leo, l assume you're playing a fighter again?
Actually, l'm going as a bard.
Really?
That's a bit of a jump for you. You've only played fighters before.
How different can they be?
l'm playing a monk.
What's he going to do, copy manuscripts?
Think kung fu monk, Grasshopper.
Oh. That doesn't seem to fit, does it?
No. lt doesn't. l told you guys that there are no monks in my world.
No monks.
And l told you that if we're playing by Third Edition rules,
l can play any basic character class.
And monk...
HlZAAA!!!
is a basic character class.
l based my world on a fantasized Western medieval period.
There were no WHUAAAA!!! kung fu monks in Western Europe.
lf Jo can play any character she wants, l can play any character that l want.
l'm asking to play a basic character class, and you're blocking me.
You're breaking the rules. Again.
l play a monk, or l don't play.
And they don't play.
l play.
No, you don't.
Yes, l do.
Grrr.
Arrggh.
Fine.
You can play a monk.
But he's got to fit the world. He's got to be a Western monk.
Bzzzzt.
Occidental.
Do you think you can handle that?
Of course.
Good. Now is there anything else?
No. No, that's it.
All right.
Oh, l'm also playing an elf.
What? No, you're not.
Ya, Yes l am.
This is an all human campaign. There are no elves in my world.
And l told you that elf is a basic character race. And since-
l'm not listening. The adventure's starting. The adventure!
(singing) When a monster comes along, you must stab it!
(singing) When a monster comes along, you must stab it!
(Lodge V.O.) We begin in the throne room,
where three of you have answered a summons to the king.
His royal majesty, King Erasmus the Randomly Biased.
There is a great evil in our land:
the vile necromancer Mort Kemnon.
Daily his power grows stronger.
And yet it appears as if our goddess has forsaken us,
for she answers not our prayers.
(Leo V.O.)Now can l seduce her?
(Lodge V.O.)ln the middle of the throne room?
(Leo V.O.) Why not? We've started
Mort Kemnon has discovered an evil artifact, known as the Mask of Death.
Find him and kill him.
Bring me this mask so that its evil may not spread across our land.
Floppenwrist! The Staff!
l present to you this Staff of Resurrection.
lf one of your party should fall during the quest, it need not be their end.
Go forth, noble heroes! May Therin light your way.
Go forth, noble heroes! May Therin light your way.
The city is near to bursting with a flood of refugees.
You hear mutters of Mort Kemnon as they shuffle towards the safety of the castle.
Corn! Celery! Oranges! Fresh bread! Onions!
Cabbages? The finest cabbages in the land!
l want to talk to the farmer.
Why?
Well, if he's from out of town, he might be able to tell us where the evil wizard is.
That's a great idea.
Thanks!
Except that it sucks.
There's no way that he'd know where he is.
Why not?
He's a random NPC.
And as we all know, my NPCs are cardboard cutouts.
NPC?
Non-Player Character.
Oh right. Which of course l'm supposed to know.
Don't worry about it, you don't need anything from him.
We know where we're going.
No, you don't.
We've done the adventure twice before.
We need to go to the mountains.
Your characters don't know where to go.
Are you saying that there's not an adventure hook in the mountains?
Yes.
No. lt's beside the point.
And the point
is beside the mountains. Off we go!
l still want to talk to him.
lt's what my character would do.
How long have you been in town, my friend?
Oh, scarcely a day, my lady. There are goblins in the mountains, you know.
(Gary V.O.) Boring.
Have you heard anything strange in your travels?
Rumors about where Mort Kemnon might be?
l believe the adventure is that way!
My, those mountains look quest-worthy!
The sooner you tell me what you know, the sooner you can safely return to your lands.
Well, it may be nothing,
but l've heard that things are not right in West-
(Lodge V.O.) What the hell did you just cast?
Flaming Hand of Fiery Doom.
On a farmer?
You cast a fourth-level spell on a zero- level peasant?
Yeah.
Waffle.
Total waffle.
That spell is for killing demons.
l'm Lawful Good. Am l morally obliged to kill him now?
What the hell were you thinking?
l was just trying to get on with the story.
How are we supposed to trust you?
We just met.
And the first thing you do, after boinking a stranger in the presence of the king,
is to murder a peasant because you were bored?
l'm Chaotic Neutral! l'm just playing my alignment.
Bull-plop, Gary.
That was a decidedly evil act.
You know, l think l am morally obliged to kill him now.
One more of those and l'm shifting your alignment to Chaotic Evil. Got it?
Got it.
How much experience do l get for the farmer?
(Lodge V.O.) Gary? Are you forgetting something?
Oh! You've got some peasant on your face.
(Gary V.O.) Like what?
Hail, Flynn the Fine.
Hail, Random Creepy Knife Guy.
(Gary V.O.) Dumbass. Bardic Knowledge?
Oh, right. You are totally ...
(Lodge V.O.) The Lord High lnquisitor.
Lord High lnquisitor!
(Lodge V.O.) Of the Grand llluminated Holy Order of Therin.
What he said. Hail.
The Hierophant begs an audience.
Listen, if this is about that farmer, l totally thought he was a demon.
Follow us.
He was talking about how there was a hell-gate in one of these things.
Seriously, it's in here somewhere. He had the horns and the fangs,
and he said he was going to pee fire on us. l had no choice. l had to like...
l did this thing. l was like this. And then l was like BOOM!
And l'm pretty sure he was eating a baby.
lt was pretty awful. Whoa! Hey!
We should take these.
(Lodge V.O.) The lnquisitor leads you into the heart of the cathedral,
where the Grand Hierophant of Therin himself awaits you.
Our goddess thanks you for meeting with us ere you continue your journey.
lt is our honor, Your Grace.
(Gary V.O.) What is that?
(Lodge V.O.) The Heart of Therin. Legend says the gem is made of solid light.
(Gary V.O.) Could l steal it?
(Lodge V.O.) Well, considering that it's one of the holiest symbols of the church,
(Lodge V.O.) and that the cathedral is swarming with paladins,
that would most likely be suicide.
Go right ahead.
What is that heavenly music?
The Hymn to Therin. lt calls to our goddess.
(Leo V.O.) l seduce the priestess.
(Lodge V.O.) She's taken a vow of celibacy!
(Leo V.O.) Dude. Twenty ranks in Seduction.
Hey, baby. Want to tune my mandolin?
(sound of dice rolling)
Please understand, the horny bard does not represent us.
There are those who say that Therin has abandoned us in this dark time.
Rest assured, she watches us always.
Nevertheless, we shall send two of our own order to insure your safety.
Brother Silence, a most stubborn monk,
who is NOT an elf.
And Sir Osric the Chaste, our most noble paladin.
(Leo V.O.) Great, a baby sitter.
(Cass V.O.) You have got to be kidding me.
(Gary V.O.) Lodge, you are such a douche.
Sir Osric will assure that you never stray from the paths of goodness and law.
(Lodge V.O.) You strike out for the mountains.
(Lodge V.O.) The road winds higher through the foothills,
(Lodge V.O.) and after a day you have reached the foot of the pass.
(Lodge V.O.) At the edge of a thick forest, a sign catches your eye.
After a few hours, you come to a clearing in the pass.
ln the middle stands a twisted goblin totem.
(Daphne ) Perhaps we could sneak around?
Not a chance. lt's a trap.
Not necess- Not necessarily.
(Flynn) lt's always a trap.
Doubtless, the goblins are merely waiting for an excuse.
(Osric) What are you doing?
Where did you get that tomato?
Hello, l'm a bard.
l got your gob-dong.
ls this wise?
Are you trying to kill us?
You know, l believe this is a totem to a goblin god.
Oh, really? What kind of god?
God of the Moon, l believe.
God of the Moon, you say?
lndeed l do.
Mmmhmmm. Well how do you worship a God of the Moon?
Ah. With my cute little tushie.
An offering!
(sounds of farting)
(Goblin screams)
Ha!
Yeeeheheheheheee!
Huhuhehehahaha!
Rrryyaaahhh!
They're so angry.
Oh l wonder why. We only farted on God.
Perhaps we can negotiate?
(Goblins warcry)
(Leo V.O.) Don't worry. l got it.
(Leo V.O.) l'll totally pacify them with Bardic Music.
(Singing) Dear goblin friends, dear goblin friends, please hear my song ...
Weeheeee!!! Weeee!!!
(sounds of dice being shaken)
Yeah, you're dead.
At twenty-nine minutes, forty-two seconds.
New personal best, Leo.
There are so many places l could stick that stopwatch.
All right, everybody roll inish.
lnitiative.
Oh, right! To see who goes first.
l roll one of these dealies, then add my Dex bonus plus four.
No, just your Dex bonus.
No, l also get plus four.
That's what lmproved lnitiative does, right?
Who takes lmproved lnitiative?
Okay, order: Joanna, Cass, Gary, Osric, then goblins.
What about me?
You're dead.
Okay. So l take one of these, and add my attack bonus, and ...
You get another attack.
l do?
You took First Strike.
When you go first and drop an opponent, you immediately get another attack.
Cool. Critical! l get another attack.
Expanded Critical, Critical Momentum, and Precise Strike.
You see, l add my lnt and Dex bonuses to my crit range,
and l get an extra attack every time l land a critical hit.
What's your critical range?
Let's see. Thirteen to twenty. Without bonuses.
Holy crapping Christ.
Critical.
Critical.
Five-foot step.
Critical!
Cass, you're up.
Gary?
Lightning bolt!
That will go off in two rounds.
What? Why?
Wild magic, sex-ball.
Flynn pulls a Lazarus.
And goblins.
Frell.
The goblins surround Daphne. Joanna?
Hold my action.
Cass?
Move to assist Daphne. Twice.
l'm here to protect you.
My hero.
Now?!
No, Gary.
Osric uses the Staff on Flynn.
That is who takes lmproved lnitiative.
Yeah, but can you tumble?
Oh, and your spell goes off.
Crap.
So. How much experience do l get for the bard?
After the battle in Goblin's Pass, you resurrect Flynn yet again and press through the mountains.
Night has fallen by the time you reach the tiny village on the other side of the range.
And sirs. Good beer.
ls the barmaid hot?
Yeah. Must you?
Yeah. l must.
l want to seduce her next!
Hey, baby. My spells require somatic components.
Dude. You're a chick.
Oh. Right.
How embarrassing.
We should not draw attention to ourselves, Troublesome Strumpet.
Agreed. We should mute our presence. We don't know who might be watching.
lndeed. Only in hiding one's identity can one truly be known.
l'm sorry, there is no room for you tonight.
Nonsense. Your inn is empty. There is plenty of room for us.
Room is not a problem. Truthfully, the problem is ...
Truthfully, you are not welcome here.
Mort Agrippa!
You are most certainly not welcome here.
An introduction would seem in order.
l am the governor of this town, and you are trespassing on these lands.
These lands belong to the king.
These lands belong to my king.
Mort Kemnon.
Yes. And soon, you will serve him as l do. Beyond the veil of death!
Gary, you're held. Leo, you're in.
Fear not. l have returned!
Dash it all, man, help us!
l am!
Turn!
ls that the one that kicked me in the face?
Yeah, why?
Just asking.
l'm Mort Agrippa. You see, l control the zombie ninjas. Are they zinjas? Are they nombies? l don't know!
Mort Agrippa ain't going nowhere.
Oh, monks you have a problem with, but ninjas are okay.
Tell us where Mort Kemnon is.
Do your worst. Kill me if you must. l will never tell!
Gosh. We'll have to torture him.
Oh. Darn.
You'll have to think of something else.
Torture is dishonorable. Osric won't allow it.
God, l love paladins!
Can't he just step outside for a while?
Actually, no. Paladins can't let evil acts happen if they know about them. lt's his alignment.
Yeah, they're Lawful Stupid.
l'll distract him. l'll tell him there's a ninja outside.
l seriously doubt he'd fall for that.
Normally, the dice decide that sort of thing.
Look, Sir Osric! An evildoer outside!
What?!
Show yourself, villain! Thou canst not escape my justice! Come forward, so that l may smite thee with my mighty blade!
The truth shall descend upon thy wickedness as an angel of righteous fury!
Why are you necromancing yourself? Stop necromancing yourself.
Deceivers! This ends now!
He's over there!
Thou shalt die a thousand deaths, shadow-spawn!
l shall mete out my justice upon thy loathsome brow! Therin!
(Maniacal laughter)
What happened here?
Funny story.
Strangest thing! He tripped, and on the way down, beat himself to death.
Yes.
Did he say where Mort Kemnon was?
Not as such, no. Did you find that evildoer?
He escaped. My shame knows no bounds.
Yeah, you suck.
Flynn, what did the barmaid say?
Oh yes, oh yes, oh gods yes.
About Mort Kemnon, dumbass.
The barmaid says Mort Agrippa came from Westhaven.
Following her advice, you abandon the inn and take to the road to the east.
You put some good miles between yourself and the town before you camp for the night a few miles outside of Westhaven.
You know, you're unlike any other woman l've ever met.
Right back at you.
So fast, so strong.
Like steel wrapped in silk.
A man could lose himself in those eyes.
A man could, yes.
But apparently, l must remind you
that you're a woman.
Of course l am.
l don't suppose you'd be interested in a little girl-on-girl. . .
You don't really want to finish that thought, do you?
l'll take that as a no.
Good girl.
Tell me, minstrel:
what do you know of this Mort Kemnon?
He is a servant of Death.
An enemy of the Light.
And that is all l can tell you.
And the Mask of Death?
The God of Oblivion wore the Mask when the Creator forged the world.
lt is said that whoever wears the Mask gains the power of the god he serves.
Then Mort Kemnon has all the powers of Death?
How could Therin allow this?
lt may be beyond her control.
Before we left, the Hierophant told us that Therin is missing.
Missing?
Trapped.
How could this be?
l have no idea.
Actually, l do!
Bardic Knowledge.
Thank you.
Long ago, young Jack Lightfingers stole beauty from the mermaids.
The Lord of the Sea was angry, and sent his waves to drown Jack.
But Jack was too clever.
He led the Sea King inland,
stretching out the waves, which sucked.
(Turn the card over)
Out the Sea King's power,
as there was not enough water to drown Jack.
Then Jack trapped the God of the Sea in a prison of ice, and. . .
what's that word?
Ransomed.
Ransomed him back to the merfolk.
(Gary) Boring.
lnteresting. But what exactly does this have to do with Therin?
The only way to trap a deity is in a prison of that god's own element.
lndeed. The four elements, like man alone, are weak.
But together, they form the strong fifth element:
Boron.
We should go to bed soon. Morning is coming.
We must get our rest if we're to find Mort Kemnon.
And what if l should find you first?
Abandon this road or die on it.
Save your threats. You have no power here.
As if killing the bard impresses us.
You shall never obtain the Mask of Death.
We do not fear you.
Then you are greater fools than you appear!
You sound afraid.
You don't believe me? Then come. Come and face. . . Drazuul!
And l think we'll call it there for the night.
What? lt's still early.
lt's after two.
lt's what? l had no idea it was so late.
See? See what happens?
You get so into it, you can't help but lose track of time.
Just like surfing the internet for por ... litical commentary.
Nice dodge, Gary.
Thanks. Same time next week?
Can't do it here. We're having a tourney.
We could do it at my place? l've got plenty of space.
Right on.
lf this is about that farmer, l totally thought he was a demon!
That was awesome.
Onward, to waffles!
Waffles, ho!
They did good, so they get waffles.
Glad l could be of assistance
Have you kept writing since college?
Sort of.
What does sort of mean?
l don't write as often as l should.
l've got the story, l just don't know how to write it.
Have you tried paper? Pencil?
Paper. Wow. l think l'm cured.
ls it the story we're playing?
Yeah.
Really? So now l'm in your story.
Yeah.
Never been somebody's story before.
lN someone's story.
Well, you know, l guess in a way we're all in a story.
l guess that's true.
lf you want to think about it that way.
All l am saying is that maybe it would be easier
if you didn't decide how things were going to end before you start.
What? What is wrong with that.
lf l don't keep them focused on the story,
they're just going to run around looting, killing, and impregnating my world.
l've got to keep them under control.
That's why they don't trust you.
They don't trust me?
No.
They're the ones who kill people before they have a chance to speak.
They know you don't trust them to play your way.
lt's why you keep them on such a short leash.
lt's why you dropped a policeman into the middle of -
Paladin.
Whatever. To keep tabs on them.
lt's no wonder they screw with you.
You're a good enough storyteller to handle whatever they throw at you.
Just let the story evolve naturally.
The ending might even surprise you.
All right, well l'll see what l can do.
All right, you do that.
Good night, Kevin.
Night.
Where the hell did l park?
Hey, Mitch.
Hey.
Did you let the cat in?
We have a cat?
Yeah, time for bed.
The cross-product of A and B is equal to the product A and B, times. . .
the sine of angle Phi.
Mr. Wombaugh, are you paying attention?
Oh God, yes.
The sine of angle Phi.
How many of these do you actually need?
Let me answer that with another question.
Shut up.
Your boss is a dick.
Ogre.
Twenty-nine hit points. Dark and low-light vision. Low reflex save.
Troll.
Sixty-three hit points.
Regenerates five hit points per round.
Weak against fire and acid.
Stone giant.
Two hundred hit points. Breathes underwater. lmmune to electricity.
That's storm giant, fool!
Morning, Steve.
Morning, Ed.
Morning, Brian.
Morning, Ed.
Morning, Captain.
Arr.
Get him!
What's the purpose of this game, again?
To deliver ten pizzas before the other ninja.
Okay. That l can deal with.
What's with the pirates?
Everything's better with pirates.
Hey guys.
Hey Lodge.
Hey, Lodge? Can l bring in a new character? Another bard.
What's wrong with Flynn? Aside from dying.
l permanently lose a level every time l'm resurrected.
l'm like at fourth level. He's almost not worth playing.
Point. Yeah, sure. lf you die, go ahead and bring in a new guy.
Thanks, Lodge.
Hello, Mr. Kitty. You can't be here.
l believe we left off a few miles outside of Westhaven.
Hey, Mitch.
(Mitch Belches)
Everybody make a listen check.
(Mitch Belches)
lf you succeed, you awake to a strange rustling sound.
(Lodge ) A scruffy-looking peasant is rummaging through your gear.
(Gary) l waste him with my crossbow!
This man has stolen from us. He must be punished.
Mercy! Mercy, good sirs!
l'm a woman, you fool!
What do you have against peasants, Murderous Trollop?
Just a general, all-purpose loathing.
Mercy, good masters! Please don't kill me!
(Leo) l'll try and calm him.
(singing) Shut up, dear peasant. Rest your head.
(singing) Or l'll let the sorceress kill your ass dead.
(Lodge ) Amazingly, the peasant is no longer panicked.
Rise, sirrah. You have nothing to fear.
Forgive me, masters. l haven't anything to eat in days.
Then join us for breakfast. Bard, firewood.
What is your name, peasant?
(Lodge ) Crap, l didn't give him one. l guess l'll call him -
Willem, my Lady. l live in Westhaven. At least l did, until. . .
Until what?
Mort Kemnon's priests. They killed all the others. l'm the only one left.
Do you know where Mort Kemnon is?
No, my Lord.
Only the Fiend knows that.
The Fiend?
Drazuul.
He led the purges. l'd rather not speak of it.
Do you know where we can find him, this Drazuul?
ln Westhaven. The center of town. But l'm not going back there.
Well, then let us clothe and feed you and send you safely on your way.
Time out!
We do not have enough provisions to feed a nameless NPC.
He's not nameless. His name's Willem.
We got what we want from him. Let's just leave him.
Osric is morally compelled to help him. He can't knowingly allow him to suffer.
And l can't knowingly allow you to deplete our resources to feel noble.
l'm just playing his alignment!
lt's what our characters would do.
lf you have a problem, find some way to solve it in character.
Okay. Let's role play through this.
Okay.
Sir Osric, a word.
Of course, Brother Silence.
Say l have two sons:
one strong, the other meek. Both wish for schooling,
but l can only send one. Whom do l choose?
Well, the strong boy could go far with such schooling.
Yet the boy who is weak in body may find that he is strong in mind.
l would consider ...
(Lodge) That's it! That's really it!
l will smite thee, evildoer!
How long until he moves?
Ten, maybe twenty seconds.
(Gary) l cast Amnesia on Osric.
(Lodge) Osric has no memory of the last two minutes. Nice dodge, Gary.
l've got firewood.
You find the tiny hamlet of Westhaven abandoned.
Your skin begins to crawl the farther you press. . .
Have Osric detect evil.
Overwhelming evil in the center of town.
We'll investigate.
(Cass) What the hell is that?
(Lodge ) A Death Demon. One of Death's personal servants, looking your way.
Come. Come to Drazuul.
Why don't l get a save?
lt's a Death Demon. lt's fear aura is too strong to roll a successful save.
lncorrect.
What is your Will save modifier?
Plus nine.
The DC to beat this demon's
You would have to roll a twenty-three on a twenty-sided die in order to succeed.
Now, l don't have a math degree, but that's impossible.
A natural twenty is an automatic success, no matter the circumstances.
And you only have a five percent chance of rolling that twenty.
Do l at least get that roll?
l mean it's in the rules. ls it okay if we play by the rules?s
Ooooooooooh!!! A fumble!
That means you're completely compelled,
and l get to control your character until you snap out of it.
Since we're playing by the rules, l know you don't mind.
Oh, shut up, Kevin.
Kneel, slave.
Yes, my master.
(Cass) l would never say that!
(Lodge) Please, let me play my character.
My body and will are yours to defile, my master.
My lady, you tempt me.
Like the evil in your heart, your beauty is unsurpassed.
l'm not evil. l'm Chaotic Neutral.
You shall be my new bride and concubine.
l hate to be the one to tell you this, but l'm not. . .
oh, wait, l am. Crap, l'm a woman!
My dear, what is a wedding without guests?
Kiss me, my darling.
Oh, ew.
After five minutes, there's no sign of the others.
We go in after them.
Five bucks says you're dead again.
You're on, ass-jackal.
Master! More slaves for the lust pits.
You, hell-born! Turn!
Luster, run!
Compelled here, thank you.
My music will save you.
(Leo) Counter-song!
Yeah, he's pissed.
New character?
Sure.
Welcome to the party. We're all going to die!
Well, that's a defeatist attitude.
Then perhaps you can tell me how we're going to slay a demon
when our wizard wasted his demon-frying spell on a peasant.
You thought that was a great idea.
Why can't he just cast another?
Because it takes eight hours of rest to regain spells, with no distractions.
l activate Arcane Recollection.
Right. Which does?
At the cost of two spell slots, l can regain any spell previously cast.
Assuming you can concentrate.
Then it falls to the rest of the party to protect me.
(Lodge ) Osric lays hands on Silence.
Keep it down! l can't concentrate!
My music will help.
How many of those have you got?
Fifty.
l can do this all night.
Never fear, Flynn is ...
Quiver in fear, for l ... No!
Evildoers, prepare to die!
Don't distract me. l'm almost done.
Avast ye!
l'm going to die!
(Joanna) Why hasn't Drazuul moved?
(Lodge ) Good question. Spot check.
The demon is trapped in the pentagram!
Now we have him!
There's thirty-seven more of me, asshole.
Darling! Prepare to receive the flaming hand of fiery doom.
Marvelous! lt's a lightning party, and everyone's invited.
Might l suggest we get the hell out of here?
What about the spell?
No good. Drazuul moves before me.
He'd blast me unless l had a barricade or something.
Hide behind the mound of dead bards.
(Gary) l have to stand up to cast. l'm going to be a sitting duck.
(Leo) l've got your back.
(Joanna) What happened to Hand of Doom?
(Gary) He was expecting that.
(Gary) l used a Hold spell instead. That way we can question him.
(Lodge ) Well played, Gary!
Where is your master?
Sir Osric, can you bless this water?
This flask is now full of holy water.
Tell us what we want to know, or l'll give you a bath.
Your threat is empty.
A paladin cannot stand by while torture takes place.
My, what fine yet rustic architecture. l think l will examine it more closely.
Where is your master?
The paladin can always bless more water. Didn't we pass a lake on the way here?
The mines! You will find the entrance in the mines.
And how do we defeat him?
The book! His power is in the book.
But his is not the power to fear. Your real enemy is. . .
Thank you. You've been most helpful. One more thing.
Oh come on.
Enough. Enough. Enough.
Total waffle for the paladin!
l feel dirty.
You follow an overgrown wagon trail out of town.
The trail winds towards an ominous- looking mine in the foot of the mountains.
At the entrance to the mine, narrow stairs plunge far underground.
The initial hallway leads deep into the darkness.
The light from your torches seems to shy away from the dark.
All right, mark your spots.
Nodwick? You're still alive?
Nodwick? Who's Nodwick?
A henchman from our last campaign.
Really? Cool! Wait, how long has he been here?
ln game time? About two months.
You guys just left him here all alone?
Being dead, we had little choice.
There is no way he's still alive after eight weeks.
You left three months worth of provisions in that chest, along with everything else.
Everything else?
Our gear!
Nodwick, don't you recognize us? lt's me, Fastidian.
Why are you wearing a dress?
What? Oh yeah, right. Tag.
We've come to retrieve our goods. lt's us, your former masters.
Hang on a minute.
You're not my former masters.
You're completely different characters being played by the same players.
(Lodge ) Nodwick has no idea who your new characters are.
l've never seen you before in my life. Shove off.
Sorry to bother you, sir.
lt's us, Nodwick. Turk, Rennard. All of us.
Weren't you a man just a second ago?
l have another spell.
Wait. l'll charm him.
Well ... Given that my former masters are more than likely dead
l suppose you can have what's in the chest.
But l get to carry it.
Done and done.
That's it? You're giving in that easily?
You have to admit, that mandolin is quite persuasive.
Gary, you got that list of what all's in the trunk?
Right here.
We can plunder anything from the list. Right?
l suppose.
Spiked Codpiece.
Kneepads of Allure.
Unnatural Axe.
And now begins the killing.
Nodwick, wait here until we return.
l've heard that before.
Mort Kemnon.
More uninvited guests.
Your reign of terror ends here.
By the Light of Therin, you shall fall.
What good is the light of your goddess? She cannot help you here.
No. We're ...
Doomed, yes.
Go, web, go!
Face us, necromancer.
Face my bodyguards, mortals.
(Gary) Bodyguards?
(Leo) l don't remember any ... oh.
You can't use a lightsaber! lt's not even the right system.
l see no lightsaber.
That would be a copyright infringement.
l see a psionic spirit blade.
You do not have my permission to use that in my campaign.
Fine. Then you do not have my permission to use my old character.
You never asked if you could make him an NPC,
and l'm pretty sure you didn't ask Ropey or Dopey either.
You can use the stuff in the trunk, but that's it.
Turn!
Watch out for Rennard!
He'll backstab you! Just like that.
(Lodge ) Daphne takes thirty-nine damage.
(Joanna) Oh, God. l've only got six hit points!
Splendid.
Therin! Save me!
Let go of my mini!
Guenhwyvar, get off the table.
l believe l had an arm. Thank you.
l think that's everything.
l think you're missing a section of wall there.
Really?
No, l think that's everything.
Oh. My mistake.
Stupid cat.
Where has he gone?
There's a hidden door here.
Welcome to the temple of a true god.
l promise you, this will be our final confrontation.
Surely, you can do better.
As you wish.
(Lodge ) What the?
(Cass) lt's from the trunk.
(Joanna) The book. The book!
Destroy the grimoire!
Flynn is alone with the grimoire.
l stab it. Wait! l backstab it!
Good call.
You can't backstab it. You can't sneak attack an inanimate object.
Why not? lt's prone.
lt doesn't have a discernible anatomy.
lt's got a spine, doesn't it?
Bards suck.
That was unprecedented, Leo.
On the upside, though, you did give me a chance to finish casting my spell.
Which one?
Please.
(Cass) Whoa, whoa, whoa. He's not dead yet.
You think you have beaten me?
Pretty much. You did just explode.
Twice, actually.
You have only made him more powerful.
Can we please go to sleep now? l'm almost dead.
You can sleep when we're done here.
Seriously, l've got one hit point here.
Do you remember what Mort Kemnon said right before we killed him?
Blaaarrgh?
No. You have only made him more powerful. Who did he mean?
Death. Obviously. His god. The source of his power.
Why would Death become more powerful after we had killed his greatest servant?
l don't think we've met the final enemy.
Super! Can we go to bed now?
ln a minute, Bard Boy.
There's something we're missing. There's some connection we haven't made.
You are creating phantoms where there are none.
Our adventure has ended.
How do you mean?
We killed Mort Kemnon. We have the Mask. lt's Experience Points and waffles time.
Our reputation's endured. We have beaten this challenge.
Our reputation's endured. We have beaten this challenge.
lf we have beaten this challenge,
why are we still playing?
(Raise Dead on the Turkey <3 Gary)
You raised our dinner from the dead.
Apparently.
Total waffle.
l am morally obliged to destroy this monstrosity.
Get him, tiger.
What would the Hierophant say?
We would congratulate you on your victory.
Your Grace! We were not expecting you.
We forgive you.
The Mask of Death: you have obtained it?
Yes, Your Grace.
Then the land shall finally know peace.
Quickly now, hand it over so we may rush it to the cathedral.
What you ask is impossible, Your Grace.
We have sworn to return it to the King.
Aye, and he shall have it. Rest assured, we come with his blessing.
Now, hand over the Mask.
Your Grace, l cannot.
This is not the time for personal glory, Sir Osric.
You will hand over the Mask.
Your Grace has our answer.
This is treason!
You have been corrupted by the Mask!
l'm going to die.
Yeah, you are.
See you.
How you shame Therin by allying with darkness!
He who stumbles around in darkness with a stick is blink.
But he who sticks out in darkness is . . .
fluorescent.
Lose fifty experience.
lf you would worship Death, then do so at his side.
The Light of Therin is withdrawn from you.
Turn! l've lost my powers.
lt's still good.
lt is apparent in the aftermath of the battle that the Hierophant is your enemy.
l should have known that dude was evil.
l could have killed him when l had the chance.
See, that's why l kill so many NPCs. You never know.
At least we can resurrect Flynn.
Actually, no. The Staff is out of charges.
We must retrieve the Mask.
The longer we wait, the more time the Hierophant has to consolidate power.
lt will take us days to cross the mountains.
We haven't a moment to lose.
(Lodge ) You journey swiftly back into the King's lands.
(Lodge ) As you go, you notice signs of decay that were not there before.
You arrive to find the cathedral guarded by paladins.
They're going to be looking for us.
We'll need a distraction.
What?
Ho, peasant. What business brings you to Therin's temple?
Please, Father. My husband is dead.
Raise him with Therin's healing hand.
Your husband?
Yeah. l am so a woman.
Be that as it may, death is a natural thing.
We can't resurrect every yeoman who falls.
Not even if l make a donation to the church?
Therin's blessings be upon you.
Escort this lady to the infirmary.
Waaazaaaa!
Sorry, Bill.
That music. l've heard it before.
lt's the Hymn to Therin. lt calls forth the love of our goddess.
Alive? Good. lt's time.
Keep that water handy.
Grand Hierophant, we beg an audience!
Ah! Uninvited guests!
Give us the Mask!
And why would we do this?
lt must be destroyed!
My dear boy, why would l wish the Mask destroyed?
lt is evil! lt must be destroyed, for the glory of your goddess.
lt is for the glory of our goddess that we shall wear the mask.
How can you not understand?
Before the threat of Mort Kemnon, the people turned their backs on Therin.
They became complacent. Unholy.
By depriving them of their goddess, l have rekindled their faith.
Their fear of Death drives them into the saving light of Therin!
When the King finds out what you've done . . .
The King? The King would not understand.
Now l rule. As King, as Hierophant, and as Avatar of our goddess.
l brought peace to these unworthy lands.
l resurrected the glory of the Light.
And only l am deserving of the power of Therin!
Now kneel before your new god!
You have betrayed your vows and your goddess.
She will not stand for this blasphemy. And neither will l.
Then join her in the world beyond.
(Leo) Now, how did that go? Ah, yes.
(singing) Praise be to thee, oh Therin, Goddess of the Light
(singing) Your radiance and mercy ... - Goddess?
(singing) ... guide us safely through the - Daphne! The Heart.
night. - Therin is trapped in the Heart.
(singing) lllumine our darkness and keep us
safe, we pray ...
(singing) ... that we may rise and worship you ... - l am your avatar!
(singing) ... oh keeper of the day. - The Light of Therin be upon you!
Rise, Daphne.
You have freed me from my prison, and have my thanks.
Of all your fellows, it was you who never strayed from the paths of Goodness and Law.
And so, as a reward, l shall grant you any one wish that you desire.
No way!
Limited, or unlimited?
She's a goddess, dude. Of course it's unlimited!
She could wish for anything.
Go for levels! You could be like twentieth level everything.
No, no! Gear! You could wish for everything in these books.
No, no, no! Don't think small!
Wish yourself immortal.
Have her make you a goddess as well.
l wish that you bring Sir Osric back to life.
As you wish.
That was awesome.
That's beautiful.
That is so freaking stupid.
l have seen stupid decisions before,
but that is the single most lame, retarded one ever.
You wasted an unlimited wish! On an NPC!
How about wishing for more wishes,
or advancing our levels, or giving us magical items?
How about wishing yourself immortal first and then resurrecting him yourself?
Good God, you could have had anything!
lt's what my character would have done.
You could have been a god!
l know Mormons who would kill for that!
What was the paladin to us?
He's not even a real character. We can always get more NPCs.
You wasted the greatest treasure in the game on nothing but a story decision.
l should have never brought you in.
You ruined my game. That is it!
Damn it, we're gamers!
Haven't you learned anything?
So. What happens next?
Rise, Flynn. You have my thanks.
You shall be my herald, and spread music and peace to all my people.
(Lodge ) Leo, gain a level of the Cantor prestige class.
Rise, Luster. You have my thanks.
l would have you enter my service, but
l cannot have an evil person sworn to me. - l'm not evil! l'm Chaotic Neutral!
Right?
You are evil, and a whore.
(Lodge ) Gary, you can't remember any of your spells.
What did you do to me?
l have burned away your wickedness, and made you whole again.
Game terms, please.
l replaced your levels of sorcerer with equal levels of cleric.
So l have to be good?
Yes.
Thanks?
Where is the monk?
He is gone. He disagreed with the wisdom of my decision.
Rise, Sir Osric. l dub thee Lord High Martial of my paladins.
Go forth, heroes, and spread my Light into the dark places of the world.
So l guess that means the campaign's over, doesn't it?
This one is, yeah.
l had a good time.
Me too. That was different.
But cool. Mostly cool.
l like the way you game.
Totally in agreement here.
Thanks. Thanks for coming out, guys.
See you.
Thank you, Lodge. Waffles?
Recognize.
Awesome.
Very cool.
And, of course, everybody gets promos.
Thank you.
Thank you.
l have one for Cass, since he was part of the campaign.
The story doesn't end here, does it?
Oh, no. Check it out.
l have a cool new villain lined up.
He's kind of a ninja swashbuckler.
The Shadow.
The Shadow.
The Shadow?
The Shadow???!
Hi, guys. What's up, Lodge?
Why don't you guys go on into the room? l'll be right there.
Congrats on being published.
l know that you worked really hard on it.
Thanks.
l had a look at it.
And it's actually pretty well balanced, to tell the truth.
l heard that you were starting a new campaign.
And, you know, l was thinking that, if you need another player to stop by. . .
Why the change of heart?
lf l win? Right? The story ends.
And l kind of want it to keep going.
Would you like to join the group, Cass?
l'm not doing anything else. Yeah.
Why don't you join the group, Cass?
l'll be in the back. l'll be in the back room.
l
l, uh,
l, uh,
l'm a dick.
Yes.
So. Where's this new adventure start?
Oh, it starts about where you guys left off.
You have saved the kingdom and restored the peace. Or have you?
l present to you Lord Osric of White Tower!
Sit! Arise. Speak!
The Mask of Death! lt's gone,
stolen by the Shadow!
lt must be recovered!
Who will risk their lives on this quest?
But you guys just got here!
Surely there is another hero in our kingdom that would prefer to go in their place
to certain death.
All right, it seems unlikely.
Good luck, then. Off you go!
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