LOUISE: Dad, why are you massaging
the turkey now?
Maybe it's tense. I'll make it some tea.
I'm doing a three-day salt rub.
I call it Father of the Brine. Huh?
Ha! Thank you.
It's special since we're having Teddy, Mort...
(barking) ...and your Aunt Gayle over.
I don't see why Gayle and her cats have
to stay with us all week.
She had to vacate her place because of the fire, Bob.
She put her dental dams in the dryer.
What are dental dams?
Nothing. Forget it.
Don't say it at school.
Didn't she used to only have one cat?
Ah, she adopted one last week.
And then she found one on her way over here.
She's a cat magnet. Oh, it was so sad.
He was just sitting...
on someone's porch, poor little guy.
Just sittin' there.
Just sitting there in the sun. Aah.
(sneezes) Ugh.
Ugh, cat hair.
Take one of the allergy pills I got you!
Well, Dad, I hope you're not allergic
to melody and rhythm and sexy lyrics,
'cause our guests are gonna love my Thanksgiving song!
Ugh.
Every year, I try and tell you guys
that no one really sings Thanksgiving songs.
You bite your tongue! Think about it.
Why aren't there any Thanksgiving carols?
I'm gonna write a classic and make a million dollars!
And then I'm gonna buy a car!
I believe in you, Gene.
I'll be in your... ¶ Song...!
Great, but you don't get any of the profits,
and I'm going to be very critical.
Ha! I love it!
(keyboard plays gentle tune) Well, good luck with your song.
And don't be offended if everyone's talking
about how great my turkey is while you're trying to sing.
Sounds like someone's afraid of being upstaged.
(meowing) You are.
You are. (sneezes)
Oh, God. Get out of here!
Bob, stop hitting my cats! And God bless you.
I'm not hitting them! I'm petting their rear legs.
TINA: Mom? Whoa!
I need your opinion on something.
Ooh, I love it!
Braveheart meets Coco Chanel!
I need to decide which color I'm wearing
when I sit at the adults' table on Thursday.
No, no lipstick, Tina.
You're-you're too young.
And you're sitting at the kids table
like you always do when we have guests.
Yup, we sit on the floor at the coffee table
and put our vegetables under the couch.
You should look under there.
It's fascinating now!
But I bought pantyhose!
And I've been working on Tina's talking points.
How's this one? (clears her throat)
"In this economy?"
Oh, provocative! That's it. I...
You know, I'm in charge of Thanksgiving.
Gene, Linda, no song.
What?!
Tina,
no adults table. Aw!
Louise, whatever you're planning, do not do it.
I need some peace and quiet.
I want to focus on the turkey.
Everyone, just go to bed.
Bob, it's 6:30.
I don't care! Just go to bed!
You love that turkey more than you love us!
That's right! I do!
I love turkeys!
Okay.
Now go!
(dog barking)
(grunting)
(birds singing)
(muttering)
(door squeaks open) What the...?
Oh, my God! No!
Lin! Lin! What? What happened? What happened? Wha...?
The turkey-- it's in the toilet!
What are you talkin' about? You had a bad dream.
Go back to sleep. This is not a dream. This is happening.
(Tina yells) Tina!
There was something in the toilet, and I sat on it.
It was cold, and now I don't know if I'll ever be able
to go to the bathroom again.
Oh, my God, the turkey's in the toilet!
Get off of there! (yowls)
What the cuss word?!
Who pooped that, and may I apprentice with you?
What is this, a pee-pee party?
You people are fun, all going at once!
Oh, God. Oh. Aah! Aah! ALL: Ugh!
Ugh! Get it out of their litter box!
Quick, Bob! They're vegetarians!
Oh, my God, I'm gonna barf. I'm gonna b...
Oh, my God, what is happening?!
Okay, so really? No one is going to confess?
Louise?
It wasn't me!
Louise?
It wasn't!
Fine. So, no one, including Louise,
wants to admit that they did this?
I'm giving you guys one more chance to confess,
and then I'm grounding everyone, including your mom and Gayle.
Bobby! No, it's fine with me.
I don't have any plans.
Bobby, it wasn't us. It was Louise. Come on.
Or, uh, maybe Gene.
(gasps) How dare you?!
I put food in the toilet the way God intended.
It had to be Louise.
Unbelievable. Does everyone think I did it?
(all voicing assent)
Well, then, I must be guilty.
That's how it works, right?
Yup. Perfect system.
Well, I have to go get another turkey.
Which means I can only do
a two-day brine,
which is not as good as a three day-brine!
But I'm not forgetting this.
I will figure out who did it.
Even though I'm pretty sure
we all still think it was Louise.
Make sure you save room at Thanksgiving
for the words you'll be eating!
Wait. Are you gonna throw that one out?
Yes, Gene, it was soaking in toilet water.
And rolled in cat feces.
Oh, God, I'm gonna barf again. No, no, no.
Lin, please! Oh, my God, I'm gonna barf!
Ugh! (retching)
GENE: Come on, Mom,
Gayle, focus!
We've only got two days left
to make a Thanksgiving song
that will be passed down for generations.
And a one, and a two.
Anyone mind if I turn on the news?
Aah! I'm okay.
You fell like a real lady.
Thank you, young man.
(clears throat) Hello, hi.
Hi. Hi, Gayle. You look great.
Louise, look at you.
Did you do your hair? No.
Love it. Gene. Hi.
What a nice shirt you're wearing.
Thank you. Excellent.
I just want to say that I've calmed down
from this morning, and in the spirit of the holidays,
whoever did this, I am granting you a full pardon.
Oh, I really thought that would work.
Seriously, who put the turkey in the toilet?!
(laughing): Oh, Dad. If I may.
I've taken the liberty of drawing up a little chart here.
Let's review our suspects.
Tina. She'd stop at nothing for some grownup stuffing.
Did her table envy drive her over the edge?
No.
Gene.
He thinks
there's only room for one bird at this table.
A song bird.
(gasps) Do-re-me?!
LOUISE: Or was it Gayle?
Dad went after her cats, she went after his turkey.
Classic revenge tale.
Classic.
LOUISE: Or maybe, maybe Linda.
Oh, sweet Linda.
A long-suffering wife stuck in a bad marriage.
Aw, poor thing! Lin!
What? I got caught up in the story. She's good.
And that leaves Louise,
who had no motive at all. Thank you. The end.
Thank you.
What an imagination on this one, huh? Kids. Mmm.
So, do you know who did it?
Oh. No. Uh-uh.
Then what's the point of all this?
Hold on. I just had an idea.
Was it you, Gayle?! Huh? Confess!
Damn it, Gayle! (screams)
Or you?! Confess! You're guilty as hell! (grunts)
Louise? What? Stop.
Why? This isn't working.
I guess I'll just never trust any of you again,
forever, for as long as I live.
Another great family meeting! Good night, everyone!
Good night! Good night, Bob!
Night, night! Good night, Dad!
Do you want my charts to take into your room for review?
No. Just go to bed then.
(grunting)
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