- And that's what my mom  got at the house.
  At my mama's house, it's black  Jesus, my dead grandma,
  me at graduation,  and fucking Rod Stewart.
   [dark electronic music]
  Welcome to  "This Is Not Happening."
  I'm your host, Roy Wood Jr.
  We all have that special woman  in our life,
  the one we like to put up  on a pedestal.
  - Finger sandwiches, boys?
  - Aw, thank you, Mom.
  - Go on, little Roy,  make it rain.
  - Aww, skeet, skeet.  - There you go.
   ♪ ♪
  Now, make sure you separate  the ones from the fives.
  - I know, Ma, I know.
  - Such a gentleman.
  - Now I got to pick up  the money.
  Separate the bills.
  She the one that told me  to make it rain.
   - That's my boy.
  [cheers and applause]
  You know this man  from his work
  on "The Daily Show" with  Trevor Noah--Roy Wood Jr.!
  [cheers and applause]
  I love my mom.
  I love my mom,  but my mom hates everything.
  Like, whatever it is,  my mom has the gift,
  like most mothers,  to just find the flaw
  in whatever you think  is perfect.
  It doesn't matter what it is.
  It doesn't matter if it's food,
  television, whatever,  your outfit--
  she will break it down  and find the one thing wrong.
  I took my mom to see  the movie "Gravity."
  Sandra Bullock  and George Clooney,
  beautiful film.
  A woman lost up there in space,
  trying to figure out how  to get back down to Earth.
  I take my mom to see  this Oscar-winning masterpiece.
  We're walking out the theater.
  She boils it down  to one sentence:
  "It's just a movie about  a bitch flipping and crying."
  [laughter]
  I said, "What?
  "This movie is about  a beautiful internal struggle,
  "the desire to live when  all the odds are against you.
  That's what the film"--
  "No, it's just a bitch  flipping.
  "She crying.
  "Bitch wouldn't be flipping  if she'd stopped crying.
  "Stop crying,
  "and figure out  why you flipping
  "and then you stop flipping,  bitch.
  Stop flipping."
  That's what my mom does  to things.
  I'm not--like, she--  she hates everything.
  I can't even explain to you  how much she--
  I'm not even my mama's  favorite comedian.
  I'm not even in her top five.
  That's not even a lie.
  Like, I don't curse enough.
  That was her note to me  as a performer.
  You don't curse enough.
  You ain't no Katt Williams,
  I tell you that.
  My mom's Mount Rushmore  of comedy
  is Ron White, Katt Williams,
  Wanda Sykes,  and barely Chris Rock
  because he walks  too damn much.
  That's what she said.
  Why he got to walk  back and forth
  while he tell the joke?
  Can't he stand still?
  See, Ron White--  I like Ron White
  'cause he stands still  so you can hear the joke.
  He stands still  'cause he's drunk, Joyce.
  That's why he doesn't walk.
  She loves Rod Stewart though.
  Never heard her say a bad word  about Rod Stewart.
  My mama got a ton  of favorite musicians.
  She like all the Hall of Fame  black people,
  but there's something  about Rod Stewart.
  I don't know what it is.
  She loves that dude,  and when my mama die,
  that's what I'm playing  at her funeral.
  I'ma put a Amazon Echo next  to her casket, and...
  [laughter]
  "Alexa, play  Mama Funeral Mix."
  [as Rod Stewart]  ♪ If you think I'm sexy ♪
  ♪ Come on, sugar, tell me so ♪
  [laughter]
  This is like--and I don't mean  my mom likes Rod Stewart.
  She has all his albums.
  She loves Rod Stewart.
  She went to New York.
  Her and her girlfriends  every year,
  they go to New York,  and they go
  on this big  theater-hopping tour.
  They block out four days,  and they go watch, like,
  eight, nine Broadway musicals.
  One in the morning,  one in the evening.
  Some sort of  old lady Coachella,
  I don't know what they...
  You know--  like, you know how you barhop?
  Like, they do that,  but with theater shows
  in Times Square,
  so they're leaving  a show one night,
  and my mom calls me,  just, just--
  [hyperventilating]
  Just breathing into the phone.
  Which is scary, when you get  a call from a loved one,
  and all you hear is breathing.
  You don't know if it's  good news or a kidnapping.
  You don't know.
  I answer the phone.  I go, "Hello?"
  I just hear...
  [hyperventilating]
  "Roy, Roy, Roy..."
  I go, "Mama, what's going on?"
  "I took--I took a picture  with Rod.
  "I took a picture.
  "I took a picture--I took  a picture with Rod Stewart.
  "I met him--I met Rod Stewart,  and we talked about his career,
  "and he asked me about my job,  and he told me
  "about all of his projects  that's--I got to go.
  I'll call you back."  Click.
  [laughter]
  My mama met Rod Stewart,  took a picture with him,
  took the picture home,  put it on top of the fireplace.
  Like, I don't know  where you from,
  but down south,  that is the most sacred place
  for a picture to be put,  above the fire--
  he went straight  to above the fireplace.
  You supposed to earn  the fireplace.
  You supposed to work  your way up.
  You got to be  on the end table
  in the hallway  for a little while.
  You do good,  then you get promoted
  to the top of the piano,
  and you either die  or graduate from college,
  and you get  above the fireplace.
  And that's what my mom  got at the house.
  At my mama's house, it's black  Jesus, my dead grandma,
  me at graduation,  and fucking Rod Stewart.
  [laughter]
  And she loves Rod Stewart.
  I get home a couple weeks after  this whole shit went down,
  and I go and look  at the picture,
  and I start peeping some  discrepancies in the photo.
  First of all,  there's a knife and fork
  in the background.
  I go, "Where--where are you  in the theater that there's
  a knife and fork?"
  There's some red and white,  like, wallpaper,
  and I look closer.  I go, "Mama, you took
  this picture  at a TGI Friday's."
  And she said, "Yeah, that's  where I met Rod Stewart."
  I said, "Mama, I'm pretty sure  Rod Stewart ain't
  "swinging by TGI Friday's  to knock out
  "some fucking endless  appetizers.
  That's not how Rod Stewart  rolls."
  And I go, "Give me some more  details of the story.
  Tell me about  when you saw him."
  "Well, he walked in,  and he was walking around."
  I go, "Who was with him?"
  "Well, nobody."  "Well, then this definitely
  was not Rod Stewart!"
  You telling me Rod Stewart,  fucking billionaire musician
  is just in TGI Friday's  by himself
  just walking around...
  [as Rod Stewart]  ♪ If you like Jack Daniels ♪
  ♪ And you like some chicken ♪
  ♪ Come on, baby, eat it now ♪
  I'm like, "This is not  Rod Stewart, Mama."
  We argued back and forth  about this shit.
  "It is Rod Stewart."
  I go, "Mama, I really think
  "this was a Rod Stewart  impersonator.
  "I think you got tricked.
  "You're in Times Square.
  "It's a lot of people  dressing up like celebs,
  and they charge money  for you to take a photo."
  "Oh, he didn't charge me."
  I was like, "What?"
  Which made me even more upset,
  because now I know for sure  this person is crazy.
  Whoever this person is that's  impersonating Rod Stewart
  is doing it for free.
  This dude wakes up every day
  and puts on the Rod Stewart,
  puts on the mullet  and the sequined jacket
  and just walks through fucking  family restaurants,
  tricking people.
  What kind of sick bastard...
  I understand being  an impressionist,
  but do it for money.
  Do it 'cause you got a talent.
  But just to do it  so you can take selfies
  with 60-year-old women,  that's foul.
  That's some creepy-ass  behavior, man.
  Me and my mom, we still going  back and forth about it.
  "It is Rod Stewart.
  "Y'all just don't want to  acknowledge the fact
  "that I met Rod Stewart.
  Y'all jealous."
  So I laid down  the gauntlet,
  and I print up a picture  of Rod Stewart,
  the real Rod Stewart,  and I bring it
  into the kitchen,  and I lay it down
  on the counter next to  the TGI Friday's Rod Stewart.
  [laughter]
  I did. I laid the real  Rod Stewart here,
  and then next to him
  was the Jack Daniel's  chicken and shrimp Rod Stewart.
  And my mama looks  at the pictures,
  and she look, and she look...
  And then her face dropped.
  And...
  and...
  [laughter]
  You evil as fuck over there.
  [laughter]
  My mama is sad,  and you're laughing.
  [laughter]
  And I felt bad.
  Like, I legitimately felt  bad because the truth
  of the matter is  it didn't matter
  if it was Rod Stewart or not.
  She believed  it was Rod Stewart.
  The shit made her happy.  Let her have her moment.
  But I was so determined  to be right
  that, in the process,  I hurt my mom's feelings,
  and, thankfully,  it would be a couple years,
  but I got a shot  at redemption because
  I did some shows in London,  and my mom asked me, you know,
  "Hey, I've never been  to England.
  Can I roll with you?"
  And I was like, you know,  "Fuck it--
  you a good wingman.  Let's roll."
  [laughter]
  Shit, my mom cool as hell.
  I was like,  "Let's go to England."
  And we're in this department  store in London called Harrods.
  Harrods of London.
  It's one of the most  prestigious department stores.
  It's like nothing you--  there's nothing in America
  that even compares to it.
  I don't even know how  to put it into words.
  It's like, take the biggest  shopping center you know
  and on top of that,  put another shopping center
  and then on top of that,  put luxury goods,
  and on top of that,  put a pet store,
  and then on top of that,  put a grocery store.
  Like, you can get everything  in the store.
  It's just a prestigious  asshole, like, there's floors
  of this place where it's just  literally $20,000 dresses.
  That's every rack.  It's just $20,000 dresses.
  Like, you got off the elevator,  and you just like,
  "This is not my floor,"  then you step back on.
  You go, ding, ding.  [mimics elevator door closing]
  [laughter]
  Well, me and my mom got  a pastime that we do together.
  We go and we look at shit  we can't afford.
  So we on the expensive  dress floor,
  and my mom was looking  at all these gowns or whatever,
  and one of the sales associates  from Harrods comes over,
  talks to me and my mom.  She goes...
  [with British accent]  "Pardon me, we're gonna
  have to ask"--  first of all,
  my British accent is horrible,  okay?
  Accents ain't what I do,  all right?
  "Pardon me,  we're gonna have to ask you
  politely to leave."
  Yeah, so, at first, I thought  it was on some race shit.
  I'm like, "Whatchu mean,  white lady?"
  [laughter]
  "First show I did,  Oprah Winfrey liked that,
  "and now you're gonna--  you think I ain't got the money
  "to buy one of these dresses?
  "Bitch, I've been on  BET 'Comic View.'
  You know how much money I got?"
  Like...
  just making up credits,
  arguing with this lady.
  And she goes...  [with British accent]
  "No, no, no, no, you're welcome  to come back in a couple
  "of hours, yeah, but we have  a shopper who has reserved
  this entire floor to shop  with a little bit of privacy."
  [laughter]
  I go, "Who?  Who the fuck can afford
  to reserve  the $20,000 dress floor?"
  She goes, "Rod Stewart."
  [laughter]
  And I turn to my mom,
  and she heard it.
  And she had this look  on her face, and I can't--
  I don't even know how to  describe this look, but it's--
  when you see the toy  you really want for Christmas
  and you're trying to get  your mama to--
  [stammering]
  Like, that's how  my mama looked.
  Like Denzel before he cries  in movies.
  [whimpering]
  Fucking bottom lip.
  [stammering]
  I go, "I got you, Joyce.
  I got you."
  So I turn over.
  I see Rod Stewart approaching,
  and Rod Stewart looks exactly
  how you think he looks  in person:
  fucking amazing.
  He didn't even touch the floor.
  This nigga was floating.
  He was just floating through..
  [as Rod Stewart]  ♪ If you like my body ♪
  Like, I do, Rod.  I like your body.
  Like, I get it now.
  [laughter]
  He had his own breeze.
  You know how rich  you got to be
  to have a breeze  that precedes you?
  Nigga, I smelled Rod Stewart  before I saw him.
  It was...
  [laughter]
  Rod Stewart is 30 feet  off of me.
  His security detail is  10 feet ahead of him,
  and I'm trying to figure out
  how I'm gonna get through  these fucking dudes,
  and I try to get--get up  with one of 'em.
  And he goes, "No, mate."
  I ain't even  opened my mouth yet.
  Security dude says,  "No, mate."
  I go, "Listen, man."
  [sighs]
  [laughter]
  "I don't know how to explain  this to you,
  "but that's my mama over there.
  She's a huge fan."
  "I said no, mate.  Keep it moving, yeah?
  All right.  No worries."
  No, that's the trick shit  British people do.
  They say something fucked up  to you,
  then they say "no worries"  right behind it.
  And I'm like, "No, bitch.  Yes worries.
  Yes worries.  I have worries."
  [laughter]
  And it's getting a little testy  between me and this dude,
  so I already know the picture  ain't gonna happen,
  'cause I'm an asshole  at this point.
  And--and in Rod Stewart's  defense,
  this dude is in  full family mode.
  This is not the time  to disturb anybody
  while they're out shopping.
  The dude literally  reserved an entire floor
  so he could avoid  motherfuckers like me.
  So...  [laughter]
  I understand--I wasn't mad  at him, but we locked eyes
  for a second--  for a brief second.
  For three seconds,
  I was eye to eye with  the only thing my mother
  has never spoken  negatively about.
  [laughter]
  And I know I'm not getting  a picture,
  so I just said, "Hey, man, did  you ever eat at a TGI Friday's
  in Times Square?"
  [laughter]
  I told you that wasn't  Rod Stewart!
  I'm Roy Wood Jr.
  Thank you very much.
     
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