- She got into the van, and I had to go diarrhea right then,
so I went--I went into her house and had diarrhea
while she was sitting in my parents' car,
and... [laughter]
This is the reality.
[dark electronic music]
[bell dinging]
Oh. [chuckles]
Nicely done.
Yes.
Mmm.
Mmm!
[moaning]
[piglet whining]
♪ ♪
[fork clatters]
♪ ♪
[whining]
♪ ♪
[whining continues]
♪ ♪
Your mama's delicious.
[cheers and applause]
He is the host of the "Worst Birthday" podcast,
my man, Michael Kosta.
[cheers and applause]
I have a story about my first crush.
Who was your first crush?
Do you remember who your first crush was?
Cassie. Yeah, she was cute, dude.
I remember Cassie.
[laughter]
My first crush was Katie T.
I--I still remember her.
Short black hair.
I've always liked short hair on women.
I think it's cool when women do that.
You've got to have a pretty face, usually, but...
[laughter]
I like when, you know, a girl, like,
sees what all the other girls are doing and is like,
"No, I'm doing something different."
I like that. She had a great smile.
She had a great sense of adventure.
I know that, because that's what I wrote in my diary
in fourth grade.
She has a great-- I don't even know--
I still don't know what the fuck that means.
A great sense of adventure?
And she had a great laugh.
She had a booming laugh.
And now--I'm 37 years old.
I think about every woman I've ever been in love with.
They all had giant laughs.
I think really what I need is just somebody
who thinks I'm funny.
That's--or someone that can pretend that I'm funny,
and either way, I'm okay with that,
but I remember her laugh, and she would screw up my stomach.
I used to get diarrhea when she would look at me,
or she would twirl her hair, or smile at me.
I mean, now I know that that usually means,
you know, I like somebody,
if I get a little stomach thing.
But when you're ten, you're just like,
what is this? How come I have--
have to take a shit every time I see Katie?
[laughter]
And we would carpool.
And on Monday--Monday, Wednesday, Fridays,
we would pick up Katie, and on Tuesdays and Thursdays,
they would pick me up, and we would go to school together,
Angel Elementary School, and I remember one day
she was looking really cute, and we picked her up
in our red Chevy Lumina, and she got in--
she got into the van, and I had to go diarrhea right then,
so I went--I went into her house and had diarrhea
while she was sitting in my parents' car,
and... [laughter]
This is the reality.
She was just very sweet.
She was very nice.
I remember her mom was just a bigger Katie.
She had this big laugh, and she was very generous and kind.
She would drive 25 minutes to the Asian market,
and she would get these amazing wasabi peas
and sesame crackers, and Katie would always offer me
some of the sesame crackers, and one day she handed me
a whole bag, and I took one, and I handed it back.
She said, "No, this is from my mother and I.
This is--we just want you to have your own bag."
And why do I remember this?
This was--this was 27 years ago,
and it affected me so much.
I'm the youngest of four. Nothing was my own.
If you're from a big family, nothing is yours.
My winter jacket was, like, 23 years old by the time I got it.
There was other--six cousins and every sibling.
There was other things in the pockets when I got my jacket.
And I remember that she gave me my own bag of sesame crackers.
This is how--this is how sweet she was.
And... Saturdays, I played soccer.
Now, I'm a very competitive person.
I've been fortunate athletically.
I played professional tennis for four years.
I'm not telling you this to sound like an asshole.
I'm telling you this because it relates to the story.
Sports is something I was good at.
And Katie shows up to my soccer game with her mom.
Saturday morning. Here comes Katie.
Here comes her mom. This is--this is it.
Here's the girl I like,
and here's the thing I'm good at.
I scored six goals that day.
I scored one goal as a goalie, okay?
Now...
do you know how selfish you have to be
with the ball
to score as a goalie?
My father asked the coach to take me out of the game.
Dads ask the coach to put their son in the game.
But this was...you know,
I was trying to impress Katie, okay?
Now, in my house, my mom invented this thing
called the special plate, okay?
The special plate is a real plate
that you eat off of when you achieve something
or you have success.
This is not a fucking joke.
[laughter]
It's a plate. It has balloons on it.
It say, "Hip, hip, hooray.
We're proud of you for being in our family."
This is a real thing.
And when you score six goals, one as a goalie,
you get to eat off the special plate, okay?
If you got an A on your spelling test,
you got to eat off the special plate.
And, you know, it sounds great, but as you get older
and you experience therapy, you go,
"Oh, this was kind of fucked up."
This was all outcome-based.
This was all achievement and success-based, right?
And my dad used to just give himself
the special plate sometimes.
Like, "Oh, work was tough," special plate.
No, you can't just...
Anyways, I scored six, one as a goalie,
and...
did you guys hear that it was six, one as a goalie,
back here?
And--hold on. My mouth is dry.
Talking about Katie affects me physically.
[laughter]
So, Monday comes around, school,
and guess who doesn't give a shit
that I did six goals, one as a goalie?
Katie's not impressed.
Didn't even realize it, I don't think.
You know, and this baffles me.
I mean, as someone that's coming from a family
that's very focused on result and outcome,
it frustrated me, but now, you know, you understand it.
That wasn't what her family was into.
Her mom would go adopt the dogs
and bring kids to the children's hospital.
This wasn't, like,
their big focus.
And I was bummed that she wasn't into it.
It was, you know, her loss, as I saw it.
And...now, science projects were coming up.
And this was--this was big,
because I sat next diagonally from Katie T.
in Mrs. Kelce's fourth grade.
Anyone else have Mrs. Kelce?
[light cheering, laughter]
Yeah. And...
Mrs. Kelce would pair you up
with your science project partner diagonally.
That's just how she always did it, okay?
It was no guarantee, but I felt like it was gonna happen,
so once I got paired with Katie,
we'd have ample time together, that's great.
Now, I had weird Josh Barter sitting to my right
and then annoying Lindsay was across from me, okay?
And Mrs. Kelce says,
"Someone has to make an announcement in class."
And Katie sheepishly walks
up to the front of the class and she says--
she starts to talk, but she can't talk.
She's crying. She's too sad.
And she runs to Mrs. Kelce, and Mrs. Kelce hugs her
and says, "Katie's mom is sick,
"and she's in the hospital,
and Katie's gonna be missing some school."
And it was very sad. And we were all sad.
And we made one of those giant cards
that you make, you know--
well, the Asian kid designs it,
and then everyone else kinda...signs it.
And we sent it off to Katie's mom.
And...so the next day,
Mrs. Kelce's assigning science projects,
but there's a wrinkle, okay?
Weird Josh Barter isn't there, okay?
Turns out he left.
Do you remember the kid that just left...
[laughter]
And nobody gave a shit?
There was--there was no cake.
There was no card.
And he was weird, Josh.
He--one time I looked in his backpack,
and there was, like, a shotgun shell in there,
and you're like...
So he's gone, so now what happens?
I--I should still be paired up with Katie T.,
but who's with annoying Lindsay, right?
Nobody.
So Mrs. Kelce starts pairing us off, okay?
And she's doing it diagonally, thank God.
So this is gonna get me some ample time with Katie T.
Maybe I can figure out the whole diarrhea thing.
And she gets to Katie,
and maybe it's 'cause Katie's mom is sick--
I don't know what it was-- but she says to Katie,
"Katie, you can pick who you wanna--
you wanna be with Lindsay, you wanna be with Michael."
You know, and I'm like, well, that's--that's...
you know, pretty bullshit, but...
[laughter]
But I'm still-- I'm still confident.
You know, I scored six goals, one as a goalie.
Like, why would she not-- why would she not pick me?
I'm from--I'm a Kosta. Kostas are winners.
That's how we've been--you know.
We'll eat off the special plate together.
And Katie--Katie is...
very happy that she gets to pick,
'caused nobody else get to pick.
And she picks... Lindsay.
She picks fuckin' Lindsay...
[laughter]
To be her science project partner.
Annoying...
short...
fat Lindsay, and you can't--
you could say that then.
This was 27 years ago, where you were allowed to fat shame,
so don't think of it from this year.
Put it through '89.
And I was--I was broken.
I mean, I...I can actually feel it right now.
And this is crazy to me, right,
but it--it hurt.
It--I felt vulnerable.
I didn't even know what that word meant, and I felt that.
I felt a loss.
I don't lose, you know.
I scored six, one as a goalie, and...
[laughter]
I didn't know what to do.
I'm ten also.
Don't forget that.
I'm ten, and I'm feeling rejected, and I'm feeling hurt.
And I took that pain
and I took that rejection
and I took that feeling that I did not like
and was uncomfortable with and I spoke.
And I said as loud as I could to her and everyone,
I said, "I hope your mom dies in the hospital."
[crowd oohs]
[laughter]
Now...
this...
now...
[laughter]
Now I know, but--but then,
this was the first of many times
where my mouth would get me in a lot of trouble.
Okay?
I mean, here I am at a strip club telling a story
to strangers, so...
And it was a terrible thing to say,
and as soon as I said it, Katie withered.
And she became a speck.
She--she started crying.
She had--I had never seen somebody so physically hurt.
And...
Mrs. Kelce sent her down to the nurse's office.
I was sent down to the principal's office.
I walked real slow down there.
You know, now it makes me think of when I tell my dog
to go into the cage, and he kind of, like....
[laughter]
You know, and we all remember walking down to
the principal's office, and even I at ten
remember thinking, like, "God, that was--that was dick."
You know?
And I sat in the principal's office,
and I saw Katie with the nurse, and she was broken.
I had--I had broken her.
I had taken my pain, and I had multiplied it by a thousand,
and I had dumped it on her,
and it-- it's worse than that.
Because three days later, Katie's mother dies
in the hospital. [crowd groans]
This is not a joke. This is not written.
This is real.
This is a real story.
And I have not spoken
to Katie since then.
I regret that I said that.
I've never apologized to her or her family.
And I realize it's a little self-indulgent
to put pain on someone
and then use it as a performance piece...
[laughter]
To advance my comedy career.
But that's not what this is.
I'm publicly here to say to Katie that I'm sorry,
and to her family, I'm sorry.
and I regret that I ever said that.
Thank you very much.
- Michael Kosta, everybody.
[cheers and applause]
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