OF COURSE, YESTERDAY, THE PRESIDENT NAMED HIS NEW PICK FOR
LABOR SECRETARY, FLORIDA LAWYER AND LATINO SMEAGOL, ALEXANDER
ACOSTA.
( LAUGHTER ) ACOSTA IS THE FIRST HISPANIC IN
TRUMP'S CABINET.
SO HE'S PROBABLY SAFE FROM DEPORTATION.
OF COURSE, THE ONLY REASON TRUMP HAD TO NOMINATE ACOSTA IN THE
FIRST PLACE IS HIS PREVIOUS PICK FOR LABOR SECRETARY DROPPED OUT
BECAUSE OPRAH.
AND SHE ISN'T THE ONLY CELEBRITY MAKING WAVES.
THERE'S ALSO ELECTRONIC ARTIST AND BABY IN GRADUATE SCHOOL,
MOBY.
HERE'S THE DEAL: MOBY CLAIMS TO HAVE SOURCES THAT CONFIRM TRUMP
IS "IN COLLUSION WITH THE RUSSIAN GOVERNMENT."
AND YOU KNOW YOU CAN TRUST MOBY, HE'S GOT CONNECTIONS IN THE
HIGHEST ECHELONS OF WASHINGTON'S VEGAN CAFES.
HE POSTED HIS FINDINGS TO INSTAGRAM AND FACEBOOK, THEN,
OF COURSE, REMIXED THEM AND SOLD THEM TO A MAZDA COMMERCIAL.
( LAUGHTER ) ACCORDING TO MOBY, TRUMP IS
"BEING BLACKMAILED BY THE RUSSIAN GOVERNMENT, NOT JUST FOR
BEING PEED ON BY RUSSIAN HOOKERS BUT FOR MUCH MORE NEFARIOUS
THINGS."
( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN IN THE
MUSIC INDUSTRY FOR TOO LONG WHEN BEING PEED ON BY HOOKERS STARTS
TO SOUND TAME.
( LAUGHTER ) MOBY ALSO CLAIMS TO KNOW THAT
TRUMP IS WORKING WITH THE RUSSIANS AND THAT HE WANTS TO
START A WAR WITH IRAN, ENDING WITH, "I'M WRITING THESE THINGS
SO THAT WHEN/IF THESE THINGS HAPPEN, THERE WILL BE A PUBLIC
RECORD BEFOREHAND."
AND IF YOU'RE WONDERING WHEN MOBY'S INSTAGRAM BECAME THE
PUBLIC RECORD, IT WAS SHORTLY AFTER TRUMP'S TWITTER FEED
BECAME THE LIBRARY OF CONGRESS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT INSIDER-TRUMP-KNOWLEDGE
DOES NOT STOP WITH MOBY.
FOR MONTHS, TOM ARNOLD HAS CLAIMED THAT HE HAS ALL THE
OUTTAKES FROM TRUMP SAYING THE "N" WORD ON "THE APPRENTICE."
"ALL THE OUTTAKES?" ( LAUGHTER )
HOW OFTEN DID TRUMP DROP THE N-BOMB ON THAT SHOW?
WAS "YOU'RE FIRED" NOT THE ORIGINAL CATCHPHRASE?
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, RANDOM CELEBS CLAIMING TO
HAVE DIRT ON THE PRESIDENT SEEMS CRAZY, UNTIL YOU REMEMBER THAT
THE PRESIDENT IS A RANDOM CELEB.
THINGS ARE SO WEIRD RIGHT NOW THAT MOBY AND TOM ARNOLD SEEM
LIKE MORE RELIABLE SOURCES THAN KELLYANNE CONWAY AND SEAN
SPICER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND I'LL TELL YOU, CELEBRITIES
ARE COMING UP ON THE OF THE WOODWORK WITH THEIR OWN TRUMP
SCOOPS.
JUST LOOK AT THESE TOTALLY REAL ACTUAL TWEETS THAT WE DEFINITELY
DID NOT JUST MAKE UP.
HERE'S ONE FROM COOLIO: "DONALD TRUMP IS PLANNING A
GROUND WAR WITH CHINA.
I HEARD IT FROM MY COUSIN, WHO DATED A CHINESE GIRL ONCE.
SHE WAS NICE.
HER NAME WAS HELEN."
( LAUGHTER ) OR THIS ONE FROM JONATHAN TAYLOR
THOMAS: "IT'S AN OPEN SECRET AMONG THOSE
IN THE KNOW THAT KELLYANNE CONWAY IS TRUMP'S MOST
TRUSTED ADVISER, ONLY BECAUSE HE BELIEVES SHE'S IVANKA FROM THE
FUTURE."
THAT'S BELIEVABLE.
I TOILGTLY BELIEVE THAT.
I TOTALLY BELIEVE THAT.
SO GILBERT GOTTFRIED HAS SOME INSIDE INFO:
"STEVE BANNON IS ACTUALLY THREE TODDLERS MAKING A HUMAN PYRAMID
INSIDE A TRENCHCOAT.
AND THE REASON HE'S SO MOODY IS THAT THEY TAKE TURNS ON WHO GETS
TO BE THE HEAD."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
JUST-- FINALLY, THERE'S THIS SHOCKING
REVELATION FROM CARTOON BABY TOMMY PICKLES:
"I KNOW THE REAL REASON DONALD TRUMP WON'T RELEASE HIS TAX
RETURNS.
HE DREW WIENERS ALL OVER 'EM."
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
THE LEGENDARY JULIE ANDREWS IS HERE!
STICK AROUND!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
Không có nhận xét nào:
Đăng nhận xét