Doomed Redshirt: We're all going to die and you were going to miss it!
Vampire: SILENCE!!!!!
What I am performing here, while not
brain surgery per se,
requires concentration..
a delicate hand.. and above all..
SILEEEEENCE!
Doomed Redshirt: **CHOKING**
Lovely Redshirt: This is it!
New Guy: How can you be sure?
Lovely Redshirt: Errmmm...
**LIGHTNING**
New Guy: Right.
Let's go!
Vampire: Oh what an awful thing.
Heart failure does spoil the flavour
something awful.
Alas.
**Horrifying chainsaw noise**
Tim: By the eagle of light..
Bernie!
You're alive!
I never doubted you.
Vampire: YAHAAAAAA!!!!!!
Lovely Redshirt: **DEATH GURGLE**
Vampire: So, We meet at last.
The great Timothy Helsing,
the third of your name I believe.
This will be quite the epic battle!
Klaus von Primple, vampire
sired in.... Latvia, 46AD.
You're quite the dick'ed!
So I've heard.
Vampire: We fight!
How they say... Toro! Toro!
EEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRG!
YAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
Tim: It's so cheesy!
**SLAP**
**SLAP**
**SLAP**
Vampire: HAAAA! HAAAA! HAAAAA! HAAAA!
Vampire: Oooooohhh ho ho hoooooo!
**BASH**
Tim: You know, I hear vampires really SUCK!
**BASH**
Vampire: Wait, did you just do a pun?
**BASH**
You did! You did do a pun!
Tim: Yeah, and the STAKES are real high!
**BASH**
Vampire: Stop making a mockery of my lifestyle!
Tim: Ohhhhhh
You look a little BATTY to me!
Vampire: This is he weirdest battle I've ever had!
Tim: and I'm just trying to make my POINT!
Vampire: Uuuuhhhh! Oiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!
UH OOOH! OOOHH! OOH! OOH!!!!!!
UH UH UH UHHHHHHH?!
UH UH UH
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
UH AAAAAAAAAAAAAP AAAAAAAAAAAAAP AAAAAA!
Oigip oigip ouip
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
OUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!
Tim: Lo
and the sparrow of good flew victorious again.
Bernie!
Did I go epic again?
Tim: Oh I hate it when I go epic.
Braaaaaaaaaooooooow!
EPIC VOICE: In 2010...
Average chap Timothy Ronald Helsing
is told of his destiny..
to battle the creatures of the darkness
to uphold the light
and BE the epic.
AND THEN...
HE DIED.
Only to later regenerate into a leaner,
meaner version of himself.
Fresh out of the box, with a brand new attitude
Tim Helsing version 2 picks up the good work
defending the city against the night.
But something isn't quite right.
To make matters even more complicated
Tim Helsing the first (remember him?)
claws his way out of ruddy purgatory!
One night, during a routine monster hunt
Tim 2 collapses!
A short incantation reveals that our
new Tim brought a little someone over from the
other side when he regenerated.
A demon, named Mephistopheles!
A swift massacre and escape later..
Tim (now completely taken over by the demon)
vanishes, leaving the team fractured and alone.
They seek the help of demonologist and science
teacher, Sarah Campbell
and in the epic battle that followed
Mephistopheles jumped out of Tim's body and into
Tim's girlfriend Anna Mondragon
before hoofing it into the shadows.
Freshly exorcised and feeling like a bag of smashed crabs
Tim 2 quite the show.
Tim 1 stops answering phone calls
His sidekick Poncho moves to Tahiti to open
a beach bar
and Anna is nowhere to be found!
Richard Timmons, labrador enthusiast and creator
of the series, is fired
leaving new show runner Martin Rodgers
sitting firmly in the big seat.
It's the final season of the most epic, monstrous documentary
Martin Rodgers: York, a beautiful city
nestled comfortably in the north east of England.
Home to many a wonderful cupcakery and
independent wool shop and fine
sandstone architecture.
But don't be fooled.
Underneath that marshmallow of kindness, there lies
another world
a world kept out of mind and sight
by one man
one very sexy man.
Tim: My great great, great great, great great grandfather
always used to say...
"You can't fight a minotaur and be a weak man"
Wise words!
I mean, the rest of the sentence was lost over history
but it was actually
"Gary! What are you doing?
You can't fight a minotaur and walk away without
spilling your intestines out of your arsehole!"
Of course, Gary was turned inside out
and his torso was used as a fruit bowl
but the message is still strong.
Battling the creatures of the night
is a real and dangerous job
and should always be left to the professionals.
I
am Timothy Ronald Helsing the Third
and I
am a monster hunter.
You guys have been with me since the start
and with our new show director Martin Rodgers
we promise to bring you the most exciting and
exhilarating final season we can.
All the while, protecting the good people of this
fine and glorious city
Rodgers: It's a devastatingly grim Thursday afternoon
slightly overcast and very, very moist.
Tim Helsing is responding to a vampire sighting
on the outskirts of the city.
Tim: I suppose the real problem started when
vampires realised they could pop out whenever the
weather was a bit rubbish.
Until now, all my work had been done at night
but now it seems anything with a set of fangs
can pop out when it's a bit cloudy or they've slapped
on some factor 50!
You could be having tea with your Aunt Sandra and
BAM!!
She's pulled your eyes out 'yer anus and used it to
decorate her battenburg. Ha!
Anyway..
We're here.
Malcolm Eggs: Bloody 'ell.
Thanks for coming Mister Helsing.
It's very good of you to come.
He's got into them geese again, the little shit.
Tim: Don't worry sir, we'll have this sorted in no time.
Eggs: I wouldn't mind, but I only emailed him last month.
I tried to be reasonable, you know
we said he could have a couple cheap,
under the table like.
He says he likes how naughty it feels, you know.
To sneak onto a chap's land and
nibble on an innocent goose or three.
Oh, it breaks yer heart.
Tim: Is it this way?
Eggs: Aye.
Tim: Let's go.
Eggs: Bloody 'ell.
I'm so sad.
I'm so very, very sad.
Tim: Ohhhhhhh. God.
Jimmy: Ohhhhhhhhh.
OH!
Have you seen this Mister Helsing?
Someone's had a chew on all of these geese!
Tim: Come on Jimmy.
Come on, let's go.
Jimmy: OH! Oh, I need...
I need to poop.
Rodgers: Oh come on!
Jimmy: Oh, sorry.
Tim: Oh, go on.
Jimmy: Thanks Mister Helsing.
Tim: Yeah, I mean I usually use an iron fist, but with
Jimmy I think a set of woollen mittens might be right..
Tim: Oh, Jimmy!!
Tim: Oh, Jimmy come on.. You're behind the..
Ahhhh..
Tim: Ha. Result!
Tim: Jimmy!!
Rodgers: Is this great entertainment or what??
Abso-tively poso-f***ing-lutely!
Tim: Onwards Christian soldier!
Rodgers: S**t, what are we gonna do now?
He's out in the f***ing field!
Rodgers: Bernie... I've got an idea.
Tim: Yeah, I mean I think it's his pride that hurts the
most right now.
That and... maybe this.
It'll only take him a few months to grow it back I'm sure.
Rodgers: Errr.. I'm not sure that's how it works.
Tim: Sorry?
Rodgers: Vampires.
Tim: Really?
Rodgers: Yep.
Tim: Ahhh.
Hard luck mate!
Erm... Sorry!
**SPLAT**
Jimmy: Mister Helsing!
Uuuuuuuurp.
Bah.
**Squish**
Jimmy: Erm.. I think you just drove over my arm Mister Helsing.
We are going back for it, right?
Mister Helsing?
Tim?
Tim: So here we are, the third and final season!
And I want to let all those
monsters.. and creeps.. and things
that go bump in the night know..
I'm still here.
I'm more epic than ever.
And I will find them.
I AM READY
I AM TIM
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